These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

Ideas have bottlenecked in my brain. So much I want to say! Aish.

( I've been thinking over past friendships... )

I don't know why I wanted to write this... I felt the need to process my losses, I suppose. I think they have been heavy on my subconscious lately, which is why I have felt so terribly lonely. I feel like going out on the street with a sign that says, "be my friend?" Something, anything, I need love.

Actually, I think I know why all of this is so fresh. I'm wanting to commit my heart to another, and my heart is saying to me, "You know it's going to end in abandonment" and I struggle to believe that the joy is worth the pain. At the core, I believe that, but so much of me just cringes and says, "Please don't make me walk through the fire again." And part of me says that it is impossible to have a long-distance soulfriendship... while the other part says that I've done it twice before, it's difficult but not anywhere near impossible. I'll just have to get my hugs and such from Ben -- but that makes me want to cry because he doesn't enjoy cuddling and I don't want just sympathy cuddles, I want the kind I give, the kind that is given because you just can't help it, it's natural. Why can't I have a nearby friend? Somebody cuddly move here please. :-(

I've been thinking a lot about friendships... Allison and Rebecca and Kaylene and Ashley and Anika and Hannah and Kate and Aubrey... all running through my head. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to process... I'm feeling like giving up on some people (though I really don't think I am capable of that) -- not you who are currently part of my life, but...

Kaylene, whom I just... I don't know. She emailed me the day that Anika arrived on her visit, so I didn't really have a chance to think about it. She told me the very basic facts of her life now -- and she has obviously come so far! -- and I am happy for her, but my insecurity kicks in and says, "she doesn't want to rebuild anything, you never meant as much to her as she did to you, you were stupid to love her so much." And the other part of me says "love is never a waste, and the time you had with her is sacred and can never be taken away, and if you really want to reconnect, why the FUCK haven't you emailed her back?" And my other OTHER self, the one that makes decisions, is confused and says nothing.

Rebecca. My best friend for five years, my whole world, the one I would have suffered ANYTHING for, the one who I poured my soul into and trusted completely, the one who I thought I would be soul-bonded with forever... we never talk. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet, and I don't think she is going to. I totally understand that, since we aren't close or even friends really, but I thought that if she ever got married (which she insisted she wouldn't) I'd be her maid of honor (though even then I wondered if she'd choose elya over me). It hurts to be left out, even at this point. Especially since I asked her to be mine, purely out of honor for the friendship that we used to have (we weren't any closer 2 years ago than we are now, probably less, actually). I don't know what I want with her... I don't even know who she is now. For no good reason, I feel betrayed and hurt. And yes, it does bother me that (from what I have heard) she suggested that I stay with Ashley on Rebecca's wedding day (because for a while they planned on the same day, until Ashley moved hers). I suppose I don't really deserve to be treated any differently, but it still bothers me. I'm so disposable.

Allison is busybusybusy... I understand that she has to concentrate on organizing her life and plans for the future, but knowing that doesn't make me any less lonely... Anika is busybusybusy too, with school and husband and rebuilding self... Ashley's busy, Kate doesn't have internet, Aubrey's busy, Hannah lives an ocean away and is usually busy but made time for me this week ♥ ♥ ♥ thank you lovely ♥... There are so many wonderful people in my life but no one has time to invest in me. I take that back -- some of you DO invest in me and I love you so much for it, but I want more, I want conversations and (if physically possible) cuddles and outings. I'm so lonely.

I have been investing a LOT in Ben this week... I'd list it but then I'd feel stupid because it wouldn't look like a lot, but it WAS because it was stuff that I don't really like to do that means a lot to him. But he wants me to be excited about him, and I just can't, when he's all stressed and thus distant and scary-irritable. And I'm afraid that he's going to be all upset that I wrote that in here but I'm so tired of keeping it all to myself. Sometimes he's not perfect, dammit, and I ought to be able to admit that. He does try, and that is the important thing, but it doesn't always make me feel better. And I need more. I need understanding and sweet touches and I need him not to dump his worries on me. Share? yes; dump? no. There is a difference. And he says that one of his favorite things about me is that I don't go telling others about his mistakes, but I'm tired tired tired of that! I hate keeping secrets and it's either talk about only the strife that's my fault or don't talk about it at all and I'm tired of listing my faults and I'm tired of keeping silent about the thing that my life revolves around. And this is starting to get stream-of-consciousness and run-on so I should stop now before I write a million more words.

Anika came to visit, as I posted, and we had such a deep connection. Even though she was going through a terribly hard time (two of her most valued relationships in serious crisis), I was so happy she was visiting. I didn't resent the timing because I was so glad that for once I was able to be a real support for her -- it's hard to do that over distance.

We talked about deep friendships and being soulfriends, and she told me that she was interested in being soulfriends, but that she wasn't sure she could offer that to me right now. I heard her words, but somehow they didn't sink in. I guess I thought that I had changed her mind? Because we had a long talk establishing that she did WANT to, and my overeager self made the assumption that she just was. Really, I had done a lousy job of explaining what a soulfriend is (my word, so I get to define it), and so we parted with very different expectations.

Then she went back home, decided to end one of the relationships and really work on the other, and while being sad about the one ending, she was utterly delighted that the other had come back to life. She was SO happy.

I wasn't (obviously). I was relieved and happy for her, but fighting a deep depression that got worse as I looked at myself and my marriage. I've never been giddy in love. I don't know what it's like to be euphoric. I don't know what it's like to have a healthy sex life. I was a consensual virgin when I got married and as soon as I got married I started going through issues of sexual abuse, which just KILLED my desire. Sex has always been just a physical thing for me, which just devastates me. So I just try not to think about it, except when it can't be helped. I am deeply ashamed of how rarely I have sex -- or rather, how rarely I give Ben sex. Because I can't think of it as something for me. That's the main reason that I feel like I will never be good enough as a wife.

So I was depressed about my marriage, but at first still happy about Anika because I felt like I had finally found a soulfriend, so even though I was depressed I'd have someone to lean on besides Ben, someone to listen and care and be there for me no matter what. (I asked her permission to post about this) I missed her but I thought that missing her wouldn't hurt too much since she said she'd try to stay in touch better. I emailed her, commented a lot, called her... reaching out, unusual for me. Days went by and I started to worry, wonder, and feel hurt because she hadn't responded. I talked to Ben, who did his best to comfort me and say that she was just busy -- but that didn't make me feel any better because she wasn't too busy to email other people or post. Ben talked to her on Thursday and she called me late that night and talked to me, told me that she had been too busy, that she wanted to put a lot of thought into responses to me and that was why she hadn't sent any. And that made me feel a little better.

But then we exchanged some emails, 'cause she asked me to clarify what I meant by soulfriend, and came to the conclusion that she'd not ready for that. And after a bit I realized that I can't stop loving her anyway, so I decided to accept that and just live without it, still be her friend, still support her and give to her as best as I can. I can't focus on the faint possibility that we may become soulfriends in the future -- I'd feel betrayed that she'd not giving that now. Because I do not believe that it is impossible -- impossible to do very well, yes, but not out-and-out impossible.

I'm trying to adjust my feelings and thoughts accordingly... but it is so fucking hard. She's already THERE in my heart, and it hurts so badly to realize that I'm not there in hers -- that I may never be. I can't do a damn thing about it. I know I can't love her less. It may be unfair and stupid and ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost her. You can't lose what you never had? maybe, but I thought -- believed -- that I had it. And I am so disgusted with myself for falling like that again.

It is so hard to even type the words, but I was soulfriends with Kaylene. And when I offered soulfriendship to Kaylene, she jumped at the chance, was as excited as me, and really lived it -- for just a few months. Then a ton of shit happened in her life, she was in terrible pain, and she decided that being that open was too painful, so she left me (she moved for financial reasons but didn't keep in contact for other reasons). I don't begrudge her that, I understand, but it still hurts so badly. She left me. I don't think that will stop hurting until I either die, or become soulfriends with her again. I think that we will be close again, but I doubt that it will happen in this life. It still hurts so much -- I still mourn, though not nearly as often as I used to. It has been two years, after all.

Now I feel like I've lost another soulfriend -- and it's not as bad because it was only a few days, and I only thought (rather than knew) that I had it, but it still hurts so much. And it hurts differently, because with Kaylene I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that it was real and pure while it lasted, and this one was all in my head. And yet, looking back, I can see that neither Kaylene nor I were as open as Anika and I were during her visit... now I'm trying to turn to Ben (and he's been such a great husband lately) but it's not something he understands, since he's never suffered a loss like that.

Anika is worth any waiting. She's phenominal, incredible, amazing: certainly capable of that depth of friendship. She's just not ready. And I'll wait, even as I have waited for Allison.

But I'll keep looking, hoping, yearning for a soulfriend -- I can't squelch that desire without locking up all the most valuable parts of me. And if someone else comes along who is able and desiring to be soulfriends with me, I am not going to lock them out. I have room for more than one soulfriend in my heart, but I suspect that the first one to stay will be the most sacred to me.

A few weeks ago, Patricia told me that she had gotten back in touch with Kaylene. She knows how much I love Kaylene and so she didn't even think twice, she just said she'd pass Kaylene's contact info on to me... and then I sent Patricia an email asking if Kaylene had asked her to give the info to me or if Patricia had offered. Patricia then realized that she hadn't even asked Kaylene, she had just assumed that she'd want to pass it to me, but on thinking over it she decided that she needed to get Kaylene's permission, and Kaylene hasn't called or emailed her back since then. (I don't even know if Kaylene is aware that Patricia and I are in contact -- last time we talked was before Patricia became my counselor)

I have very mixed feelings... when I first heard it, I was nearly ecstatic. It seemed perfect because I had just been thinking about her that morning. I became close with Kaylene during the fall, and the combination of weather and driving in that area sparked all these memories. But even though timing seemed perfect in that way, I was unsure whether or not to make the first move. It's been over a year and a half since I've seen her. I know that we are meant to be friends again at some point in the future, but I have no clue what that point is. Right now I suppose it's been decided for me, since I don't have her info...

I'm not sure what I feel. Part of me is hoping that she is ready to be friends again, part of me is reluctant to re-connect. Part of me is afraid that she has regressed -- I do not want to meet a more-closed-off, harder Kaylene. She intimidated me already and I think I would run away if she seemed to have no softness for me. And there are so many glorious people in my life right now that it makes me reluctant to invest in yet another.

Yet, even in her 'worst' moments, Kaylene always inspired me. She was an incredible catalyst in my life -- when I think about it I feel so young, so small. In her strong points, she so eclipsed everyone I had met. Now I know more people like her, thanks to the beauty of livejournal, but I still don't think anyone could match her fearlessness. I wish you all could know her. I wish I could know her. I miss her. There is a chamber of my heart with her name on the door... and it no longer aches with emptiness, but no one else can ever fill it. One day... one day.

Friday the thirteenth -- and all those other traditionally 'bad luck' things -- are nearly always good for me. Today, well, today was mixed. I spent a lot of time thinking about changes I've made -- and changes I'm making soon.

Last night I talked with Ben about cutting my hair, and he said he understood my reasons and he would support me 100% -- but he said it would make him very sad if I shaved my head, and he asked me not to cut it shorter than 4 inches. I'm okay with that, I think. That's a radical enough change for me. I've never had my hair cut shorter than collarbone-length. I felt so loved -- he's always adored my long hair, yet he's happy to part with it if it will be a forward step in my healing. I have such an amazing man.

And I'm really looking forward to having curly hair again (the length is so heavy it pulls all the curl out). I told Ben it would be curly, and he said, "how curly?" and I pointed to the stubborn little corkscrew wisps that frame my face -- he got this odd grin on his face and said, "I think I would like that."

--------

I was thinking about Kaylene today... She's still a very important person in my life -- even though she hasn't been in contact with me for a good while now. ( the story )

I wonder if I had as much of an impact on her as she did on me. I hope so, not because I want her to need me, but because I want her to have been as stretched and enriched as I was by our friendship.

The other day at bellydancing I was just so fucking clumsy and inept that I wanted to quit. I was going to go through with it anyway ('cause I can't stand being a quitter), but I had given up hope on it being fun, given up hope on being good at it. I started watching the clock hoping for class to be over.... anyway, after class I changed and went back to get my mat, and Patricia (did I mention that my counselor is also my bellydance teacher? yeah, she was a professional belly dancer for years) stopped me and told me I was doing really well -- I gave her a 'yeah, right' look and she insisted that I was, that I had improved a lot. I thought to myself, "improving from worthless to lousy isn't what I had in mind." Then she asked if I was okay, and I shook my head, so she took me in the other room and asked what was wrong.

I told her that I was upset that I couldn't do it, and tried to explain how I felt. My core, my 'true self,' the person that I am that has no name I know, not Kristen, not Belenen, not even Lovelia -- the person that I was created to be, she is a dancer. She's incredible, when she dances it's felt in the spirit world. Her dancing is like praying, only more powerful... Or at least, that's what I think, that's what I hope. I can handle the idea that I am broken, and so that part of me does not work right now -- but the idea that that is not a part of me kills me. And that's my fear.

Now I know that some of my ineptitude is mere lack of training. But that's not all, I know it. There is something else holding me back -- either my body and my spirit aren't connecting right, or I simply suck at dancing. Both are incredibly painful -- but at least the first is fixable.

Patricia told me that I could come 30 minutes early and she'd work with me alone. !!! For free. And she hugged me and said she loved me.

I'm in danger of loving her, and I don't want to love her because I know I will get too attached and want to adopt her as my mother. I know I shouldn't, but my inner self doesn't give a shit about shouldn't. I never got to be a kid, I was a parent from the time I was 6 years old, and I want a parent, and I want to be a kid. Last session she tried to get me to let go and cry, she offered to hold me, and I knew it would help so much, but I couldn't. Because I would take it too much to heart.

--------

It was raining the other day, and I turned off all the lights and lay down on the floor with the front door open, watching the rain and wind and listening, breathing the soft little whirls of air... and I wished I had someone who would feel that with me, really feel it the way I was feeling it, live it. I know Kaylene would have, but I can't really imagine anyone else being able to. It made me miss her, but not in a painful way, just wistfully... I don't think anyone will ever fill the void she left in my life, and I don't want them to -- but I do want someone who can connect with me in some of the same places. Glisten, I miss you.

wow, lotta birthdays today.
Happy Birthday anar_anar's little sister!
Happy Birthday karmia!!! and
Happy Birthday to my mayana!!!

I know she probably won't read this, since she hasn't used her LJ for over a year and as far as I know she never checks in, but I had to say it, 'cause she's my girl. She's incredible. If you're curious, I just went and memoried all the posts I made with significant parts about her, so read here. (there were more than I remembered). I also emailed her (and mentioned that you also miss her, Eve). I wanted to get her a present, but that would have been pointless since I don't have her current address. :-( So I just did what I could, and prayed that God would make her day delightful.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

• Ben aka Dragon aka sciethen -- the best husband anybody could ever hope for.
  
• Del aka Allison aka jedibubbles -- my spunky, sprightly, outgoing artist friend, whom I met in high school over an Anne McCaffery book.
  
• Paula & Spencer -- a wonderful couple whom I lived with for a year -- they taught me what real family was.
  
• Ashley aka alariya -- a new close friend; I was aquainted with her for years and recently we have grown close, very sweet and generous.
  
• Rebecca -- my very cherished best friend for 4.5 years, reserved but intense; also Ben's sister.
  
• elya -- my friend who is a living embodiment of a ray of sunshine, incredibly kind and gentle; also Ben's twin.
  
• Kristy -- my very outgoing, flirty friend who lives in Florida; also Ben's cousin.
  
• Kaylene -- a deep friend of mine who was part of my life for only a few months, yet she inspired me and understood me like no one else ever has.
  
• Gabe -- my spiritually adopted little brother, an amazing person whom I adore and am so proud of. You know when he's around because he sings everywhere he goes.
  
• Kristen -- my bossy, blunt, outgoing friend -- she was a friend of mine from middle school, and we've recently become friends again.

( more in-depth descriptions, with photos )

You should all do this so I can get to know the people in your life! (don't worry about the long part with the pictures, but do the short part!)

describe me to a stranger if you haven't yet!


I decided about a year ago to invest trust in people without testing them for a long while first. Out of that decision came my relationship with Kaylene, which some may say wasn't worth it, since she disappeared from my life not long after we began our friendship. But it was the bravest thing I've done, and I learned so much about myself from it. I was a bit hurt when she decided that being that close was too scary and she backed off, but I actually didn't get offended -- 'cause I remember what it's like to not be able to trust. I healed very quickly, and now I simply look forward to when we are close again. I believe it will happen before I have kids, and they'll grow up calling her "Aunt Kaylene." ;-) She's such a brave, intense, loving spirit, and being sisters for three months was worth all the missing her afterwards. Though it was short, it was the most intimate friendship I've ever had. There was nothing hidden between us.

I must also mention my jedibubbles and Kristy -- but they live in FL and I rarely get to have contact with them. Del and I have committed to a lifelong friendship, and hopefully she can grow to trust me as much as I trust her -- but that will be a long road, because she's trusted too many people who proved themselves to be untrustworthy. Kristy and I have been in contact less than 30 times, but we have a bond that is so powerful that anytime we get together we can spill our souls fearlessly, without any awkwardness -- BOTH of us (usually it's just me that's so open)! We only recently hit the same level of maturity (she's a lot younger so she had some catching up to do) so our friendship is just starting to take off.

----------------------------------------------

Trust, and the honesty that comes out of it, is hard to find. I no longer have a hard time trusting, but unfortunately most people do... and that hurts. I know that I'd give nearly anything to help those I've chosen to love, but they have a hard time believing that I love them unconditionally, forever, for the sole reason that their spirits are beautiful to me. I suppose that makes sense -- not many people have learned the wild rollercoaster passion of giving your heart completely. I'm grateful to have learned it.

( She said: )

Oh happy happy me, I am not forgotten!!!

Maybe I will make a trip to see her soon -- that would be sososososo awesome. I miss her all the time.

on moving: three days of headaches from the stress. I have a very hard time when my possessions aren't all in one place, apparently -- probably because my brother and sister were both kleptos, and I got used to defending what was mine -- and I don't trust scatterbrained J. & E. with my stuff. And this room is suitable, but tinytinytiny... it's about 8ft by 8ft, maybe a few more inches -- so with a room half the size of the old one, and only one closet instead of two, it's been difficult to manuver everything into a decent look.

And I've been desperately trying to get in touch with Kaylene -- I have a very full hefty-bag of her clothes, and some jewelry and photos (which I know are important to her) that I have no place to store. (I don't even have space for my lamps, as much as I love them -- they're in the car until somebody decides they want to borrow them.) Right now her photos are stored carefully, but her clothes are in the trunk of my car. However, I ran into Lee and Patricia (her ex's parents, who she's fairly close to) tonight, and they said they heard from her a few weeks ago, so I feel a little more confident that I can get in touch with her now -- plus, for some reason today her home phone # worked. But she can't contact me right now 'cause I have no internet or phone (this post is backdated) so I'll have to try calling her again. Blah.

And my Momi lives right down the street! That makes me so happy. I would have already decided to get out of here if it hadn't been for the Wynnes... but they need me (and want me) and I want to help as much as I can. They are so wonderful. Thursday we went over to say "hi, we're officially your neighbors" and Spencer was just... delighted to see us. Not delighted in a bouncy happy way of course -- delighted in a quiet, pleased, light-hearted way. I think it has taken a lot of stress off of him that we're here -- 'cause Paula needs someone nearby, and Spencer has to take William to all of his track stuff (my little brother is going to be in the junior olympics, and he broke records in qualifying meets -- with a cut knee that needed stitches but got taped! I'm so proud of him!). So anyway, Spencer offered us dinner (he had made steak, baked potatoes and collards) and he knows I don't like steak, so he offered me some of his fried catfish -- he is such an awesome cook.
I can't explain how much it means to me that he knows my preferences and likes me for them... it just makes me feel so glad to be me. Like it's even a good thing that I have dislikes and don't hide them. I think what you dislike is as important as what you like in defining who you are. [It's cool that I love purple and silver -- but it is even more me that I hate orange and gold. (sorry Elanor -- I just do)] ... And if dislikes are just as important as likes, then it's denying a part of myself to hide my dislikes. But to get back to the point, Spencer appreciates my dislikes as much as my likes. I love love love that. Who else is that way.... probably just Ben and (previously) Rebecca. Maybe Kaylene...

will I ever stop missing her??? I'm so tired of it! Why can't I just think maybe we'll be friends in the future, when she's grown up some and put her out of my mind? I think I felt a little bit of what people must feel when they get divorced when I went through the garage looking for her stuff (so J. & E. wouldn't throw it away)... I picked up the bag of her clothes and almost cried, 'cause they all smelled like her, and it made me miss her so much, and wish she'd just... try. Our friendship was just so awesome, so exactly what I had wanted -- I wanted a friend who was passionate about everything, had definite opinions that didn't change no matter who was around -- and I wanted a friend who would be like me in that I could just ask "do you want a deep, close friendship with me?" and have her answer honestly, because honesty was more important to her than how I felt.... And yeah, I did ask that question, she did say yes, and we did instantly plunge in to the deepest relationship I've ever had (except with Ben). Now WHO, I ask you, WHO do you know that would take that question seriously and honestly, and not even consider it a little weird? and who'd have the guts to say yes, after I had laid out the boundaries (pure honesty and being committed to working out problems)? ..........so what happened? She had a lot of painful, stressful stuff happen to her in the space of a month, and decided that living deep hurt too much, so she pulled back into her shell. Then she moved back to her mom's for the sake of free rent, and we just lost contact. I don't blame her -- in her situation I probably would have done the same. If God hadn't shattered my shell, I'm sure I'd still pull into it every now and then. But oh, how I wish things could have been different... and yet I believe that everything happens for a reason, so most likely this is the way that she'll grow the most... sigh...


I visited Paula today... and the babygirl kicked for me! Paula says she doesn't kick for most people (including Gabe and June) but she did for me! Twice! Such an awesome feeling!!! I love this baby soooooooo much. I can't wait to meet her. She's a little warrior spirit, I can feel it. And coming from Paula and Spencer, she'll probably be gorgeous, with skin like milk chocolate and round limpid eyes like Paula... hopefully she gets Paula's nose -- Paula has one of the most gorgeous noses I've ever seen. And attractive noses are rare! (if you didn't know, I dissect people and notice things that most people don't bother to look at, like ears and noses. I think my ears are the most beautiful I've ever seen, though Allison's are cute too) (I vacillate on my own nose -- sometimes I like it, and sometimes I hate that my nostrils always show unless I have my head tilted down.) Enough rambling. I'm going to be driving Paula to the doctor's once a week, and probably visiting her once a day... and for some reason she wants me to organize the bookshelves downstairs in a room she never goes in. I suspect it's her "I'm independent, and thus can't need anybody (but I do)" excuse to have me around.

I wrote these to add to my people webpage... and decided to post them. I'm all lovey lately. ;-) Oh yeah, and my links page is up and running... so check it out and tell me if you have any awesome links that I've missed.

( ...some people I love -- Dragon, Angelina Jolie, Allison, Kaylene, Jedidiah... )

That's enough for now... heh.

WHEEE!!!!!!  I'm 21!!!

Yayness!  My Dragon got me the AWESOMEST presents: a CD player and speakers for my car (finished being installed, presets set, and official induction into the family today), an extremely expensive digital camera (which he gave up our "buy a computer" monies for), and a fantastic square silver clock (which is the most thoughtful of all -- I had told him about how I used to love to sleep with a clock under my pillow because I found the ticking very soothing, so he got me one to listen to).  I was just so excited about that camera, too -- it scarcely left my hand from 3:00 to 9:00.... YAY!

AND elya and Benjamin each bought me $20 gift certificates to Beadolla (an expensive specialty bead shop) and they drove me over to buy stuff, but it's a family-owned business and they were closed for some personal reason.  But what an awesome idea!  And the certificates were cool, too, in these artsy painted envelopes with little wooden bead closures.  I was blessed.  Yaya makes me happy!

And the Elder Snows (sounds like Ents names) bought me a 25$ Starbucks card!!!  YAY!  (and Ben helped me break it in)

AND I am so excited still about the CD Del is sending me!

I'm a little disappointed that Rebecca didn't even call... (I don't think -- we were out for a good bit of the evening, I'll ask John and Ellen if I missed any calls)

And apparently Kaylene came over on Tuesday to get some of her stuff (she's moving back in with her mom)... after I had called her and left a message on her cell telling her I'd be here every day this week except Tuesday.....  I hope she's not avoiding me.........  If so, why?  Does she think I'll be mad at her for moving out?  I'm not.  I'm not going to judge her no matter what she does.  I don't think she'll end up liking it, but she might!  And so what what I think?  It's what she thinks that matters when it comes to where she lives!!!  I do miss her though.  And I'm sad, because our relationship was so promising, and now it seems like I'm the only one interested in it.  I hope she's just been busy.

I CAN"T WAIT FOR ALLISON TO VISIT GA AGAIN!!!!  (and no not playing with Kristen this time!)

At Breakthough, I discovered that BT2J was not really what I needed, it was more "understanding where your problems are coming from so you can address them" when I need "fix the problems" type counseling. So okay. I'm glad to know that it wasn't my fault this wasn't having as profound an impact on me as it does on most. I already know my problems. It did give me the benefit of validating them, saying "you're right, that was a bad thing that is still hurting you." I want to go through Elijah House ASAP, but dunno when I'll have the money.

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Kaylene and I stayed up again of course, talking..... and talking. I confided my fear of mediocrity and she really encouraged me. As she was talking I could hear God, so I know what she said was right. She basically told me that I have the desire for a reason, and that God wants me to do something with what he's given me. She also said that she thinks I should persue dance first (before singing or writing) because it is something that I do have a little confidence in, and I'll pick it up pretty fast. She said God wants me to "get off my ass" and go for dance because it will help me learn to trust myself and take risks based on nothing but desire. She explained that her confidence in her voice was something she carved out of herself, and that is the only way to do it.

I believe her.

Finally I asked if she'd support me (actively, not just "that's nice" but actual interest and support) if I did. She said definately, just get off my ass and do it.

I love my Glisten. I needed that motivation.

Today I called in sick and mayana and I slept until 3:45. (Fifteen minutes before when I would have been off of work) Oh, I am so glad I did. My paycheck is going to be very very meager, true, but oh, it was so WONDERFUL to sleep in! And there is something very comforting about sleeping in the presence of someone you love. It feels safer than sleeping alone, I guess. That is one of the things I am most looking forward to about getting married; being able to cuddle every night! It won't be as exciting as sex, but I think it will be every bit as fulfilling.

Anyway, Josh and Ben called us at 3:43 and 3:50, respectively, and we finally got out of bed, got ready and went to meet with our new landlord! Yay! We signed agreement and payed our deposit, and now we won't have to deal with him anymore. I didn't like him very much; he despises youth and is just disagreeable.

But John and Ellen (who we are subleasing from) are just so awesome! They gave us a wedding gift -- with instructions to not open it until after the wedding, when we are alone. sciethen knew my curiosity wouldn't be able to handle that, so he wouldn't even let me hold it for very long. And I was about to open it, too. It was heavy, didn't rattle, and was just so ... tempting! And they love us already. They told us to pay the rent when we could this month, 'cause Ben hasn't gotten his workman's comp. check yet, and Kaylene hasn't been working very long. (my money is enough for the deposit but that's it)

Then I took Kaylene to work (we stopped at Starbucks for a "celebration" coffee) and went to church. After the service I talked to Pastor John about my image of God, how I can't see him as pleased with me (ever) and how I am so afraid that if I let him close he will criticise me. So PJ told me that I need a mentor, someone who has been through that and can help me tear down and rebuild my image of God, and he listed some names. I ended up asking Jeannette Jordan to be my mentor, as she is a woman who I've always had a strong love for, even though I don't know her. She was delighted, and we exchanged phone numbers. I'm so glad I finally got something real happening in that area. I'm also really glad that PJ read my life story, 'cause now he understands me so much more, and therefore gives me wonderful counsel.

The other thing was....... setting up a possible performance. I asked about singing "O come o come Emmanuel," 'cause that song fits my voice well, at least I think so. I'm scared to sing in front of mayana though, since she told me that I tighten my throat when I sing, and I can't not do it around her, and I'm sure it bugs her. And I want to do it right, dammit. It's awful, 'cause I want her opinion, but I know it'll be negative. (see how my image of God affects my image of everyone else?)

I want confidence in SOMETHING that I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also started packing. I need more boxes.

I had so much fun! Last night mayana spent the night at my house, and we stayed up until at least 5:30 talking. We lit lots of my candles and listened to music and just relaxed... I haven't had so much girl-fun in forever. We talked about allllll subjects, her present and past b/f, our new house, Ben, sex, photography, modeling, dancing... It was just so bonding. I'm so excited about moving in with John and Ellen and Ben and Kaylene. It's gonna be so fun.

Hi.

Okay. jedibubbles and