Ever since I made the post on my tribe, I've wanted to add more, explain more. I listed my 'tentmates' but the truth is, nearly everyone on my friends list is part of my tribe. I only have two kinds of people on my flist; those whom I have a connection with, and those whom I might have a connection with. And I think the ratio is about 80 to 8; nearly all of you are SO IMPORTANT to me.

I like to know where I stand with people and I like people to know where they stand with me. So, if you comment, I will tell you why you are an important part of my life, and whether I feel a connection or am still unsure.

I am truly so very very lucky to have this amazing tribe of incredible people! Thank you ♥ I love you!

ETA: I'm going to be doing these slowly, so please don't think I'm ignoring you. ;-)

Who is your tribe? not necessarily the people currently in your life, or the people you are related to, but the ones who have a permanent spot in your heart.

You are all my extended tribe ♥ I really feel everyone on my flist is an important part of my life. (and I am not just saying that, it is SO true!) And within that circle, the ones I feel I share a tent with on the journey of life are: ( here they are! )

When you tell me yours, please also add a word or two as to who they are (partner, friend, relative).

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These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Day before yesterday I was up for 29 hours, then I went to sleep for about 19 hours. My schedule is so insane because I have SO MUCH going on, emotionally. I haven't been able to catch up mentally, which is why I haven't been able to write about it in any real way. Now thanks to many many dreams last night, I feel emotionally caught up but there is a new development that makes me uncertain all over again, and I am waiting to see what happens before I pour it all out. Sorry for the crypticness, I think you'll understand when I finally make that megapost.

I've been communicating so much lately (phone, IM, email) -- more in the past two weeks than in the rest of this year combined. It feels really good, like a dam broke and all of this connection is flowing into and through me. So many possibilities, so much hope, so much newness.

I also seem to be changing shape; I think from a combination of using the HealthRider and just using so much emotional energy that my body is burning more fuel. The best thing is that I'm starting to feel muscles in my midsection, legs, and arms (on the inside, not the outside). I feel so much stronger, so fast! It feels good.

You know the amazing artist I posted about a while back, Willow Jenkinson? She is framing and sending me Devotion to the Matron as a gift! I loved it so much I wanted to buy it, but she offered it as a gift and I wasn't about to say no. The COLORS! The FACES! It's absolutely my favorite of her pieces so far. AND I GET TO OWN IT. THE ORIGINAL. It's going in my sanctuary ♥

I might be meeting Ava in two weeks. I'm trying not to get excited until the tickets are bought but -- I'm excited anyway, can't help it!

Also, I've been meaning to post about this for a long time -- I met Kimberley (darkpool), Jason (thesaj), and Aranatha (babythyme) at the end of February! Kimberley is one of my oldest LJ friends -- I 'met' her in April, 2004. About a year later I LJ-met Jason, and a year after that they got married, and about a year after that, Aranatha was born. (okay, enough timelining) They came into Atlanta for a conference and gave me the opportunity to finally meet them!

I was surprised on meeting Kimberley because her writing style can come across as formal and reserved, but in person she's SO bubbly! I know that if we lived close we'd spend a lot of time together. And I'd spend a lot of time babysitting too, because Aranatha is absolutely the most adorable child EVER. She was so HAPPY, smiling and cooing all the time! I could not stop grinning because she just radiated the most pure joy I've ever seen! I wanted to go move in with Kimberley and Jason and be their nanny, haha. And Jason was so outspoken and free -- I found it very interesting to listen to him rant about this and that, and rant along with him *giggles* Poor Nimajneb (my partner, I'm spelling his name that way nowadays for reasons I'll explain later) was a little overwhelmed by 1) new people 2) new places, and 3) loud conversation!

( the adventure of meeting them, and photos! )

Happy April 1st -- don't let anyone fool you today, heh. (don't think I've ever attempted an April Fool's joke, doubt I ever will -- even if I tried it would fail miserably because I can't lie worth a damn)

So. I was going to take more photos to go along with this, but I have been on a nocturnal schedule which makes taking photos difficult (am natural-light obsessed). I have some belated thank-yous for birthday gifts! In the order they arrived:

jenniology sent me an AMAZING painting of two Egyptian women/goddesses! One in green with a lotus circlet, and one in red with the sundisk and horns on her head (Isis or Hathor?). It's on papyrus! so I'm keeping it wrapped up until I get a good frame for it. Jenny, this is SUCH an amazing gift! Nothing thrills me more than being given original art, especially by the artist hirself! ♥ Thank you a million times! And thank you for the sweet card.

kmiotutsie gave me a stained glass star, which is... WOW so amazing! I have it hanging on the wall in my living room right now, but soon it is going in my sanctuary ♥ that I DO have photos of. ( five photos! ) & she also got me a crystal pendant which is really awesome because I had been craving one. I'm not sure what I want it for yet... not just for wearing, I might make it into a pendulum. Thank you so much Firekat! You rock! You know me so well. :D

cynosis sent me a wonderful mix CD with a long hand-written note! including the important parts of lyrics. I have only listened to a few songs so far but I am LOVING what I've heard. (holy crap, the song "Nara" is thrilling me down to my bones, wow, shivers) And the note means a LOT because I LOVE having samples of people's handwriting. It's like a little piece of you, a little expression of your individuality. Thank you Cynosis!

mme_furiosa sent me a postcard from Sri Lanka!!! How cool is that? It's from a Moken village, where a once nomadic people now lives. She chose it because she and I both have gypsy spirits ♥ Thanks Francesca!

In other news, I got a HealthRider for myself from craigslist for $35, haha! My parents had one when I was a teen, and I used to listen to music and use it and go into an absolute trance. It is FUN, no I'm totally not kidding. It is like a combination swing and see-saw and it totally brings out my little kid self! I love it! They should have named it the FunRider -- but then all the people who want to punish their bodies rather than enjoy them wouldn't have gotten it, heh. It's so fun! I'm really wishing I could take it to Glasgow with me so that I could share it with Hannah. Ben likes it too :D

(meme copied from rosefox8, thanks!) If you were able to spend one night with me, what 5 things would you want to do? Anything goes.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

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I've had such a full week! Sunday I went to church (*pats self on back for being awake at appropriate time*) and though the service didn't really give me anything, I went for energy healing afterwards and WOW, that was amazing. There were several healers, all of whom had different styles. One person did deep breathing with me, which was intense and so relaxing. She also cleansed my aura, which was the most surreal feeling -- she made plucking motions in the air around me and I could FEEL those things being removed, almost like the feeling when someone pulls a splinter out. More of a noticing of the space it leaves behind than actually feeling the thing itself. I was really curious as to whether she was actually seeing my aura and the bits that didn't belong, or just sensing, but I didn't think to ask afterwards because I was so overwhelmed. After she finished and passed on to another person, my right shoulder suddenly started hurting. The next healer came along and without me saying anything, touched the very spot that was hurting and held it for a minute, and then it stopped hurting. He had a different method, using two fingers of each hand to lightly touch random places on my body, like the inside of my elbows, my neck, my ankles. It felt very honoring, and his energy reminded me so much of Spencer. One more person worked on me, mostly by holding her hands in certain places about three inches out from my body. She passed one hand in front of my face and I thought it was a candle, it gave off so much heat! I opened my eyes, a little concerned at why they'd be putting flame so close to me, but it was her hand! I was really awed by that. After she did the radiating-energy-into-me thing, she stood behind me and swept her fingers over my forehead, around my ears, and under my chin, with a little flicking motion at the end. I cannot describe how amazingly relieving that felt! it was like a complete massage, each time.

Then Tuesday was my 'birthday' ( all the stuff I did! )

Thursday I got up early, which is miraculous in itself, and because of that I was able to get in contact with fionavere and meet her on her way through Atlanta! I drove into the city alone, which is a very big deal for me, and I didn't even get very nervous. I'm really happy about that, as it fulfilled several of my goals in one swoop -- getting more comfortable driving new places alone, making ATL more my city, and most importantly meeting an lj friend! Anyway, we had lunch/coffee together while her two little ones amused themselves (I was impressed at how well-behaved they were! and they got along so well) and the time just flew by as we talked about everything from spirituality to politics to education. The one thing I was not prepared for was how freaking gorgeous she is in person! She's a fellow curvygirls member so I've seen plenty of photos, but in person her self just shines through so much more -- she's beautiful in photos but utterly stunning in person. At the end of the lunch she invited me to come visit her in FL, which I definitely intend to do. Not sure when, but maybe as soon as April! There's just so many people I want to go visit and I don't have the funds for everyone, dammit.


me and Katie!

((for those coming in from LJ idol, not seeing the lj-cut -- at the bottom of this post is a nude image, so scroll carefully if you want to avoid it.))

I like that this topic came up this week, because it was just this weekend that I realized that LJ idol was changing my journaling style in a way I didn't like. I wasn't intentionally censoring, but I was writing for an audience instead of myself. Right now I'm wrestling with the desire to fancy up this entry, but I am determined to stop this trend, so I will smooth no rough edges and add no lace.

I've had my LJ since 2003 -- more than four years now. Over that time I've made an incredible journey thanks to my LJing ways. Not long after I started my LJ I decided that I wanted to be more open and honest, and that I wanted to use my journal as a way to reach that goal. I began to share my thoughts and feelings publicly, which was very difficult at first; but as I shared, I grew closer to my friends and they became more supportive, which made me able to share deeper levels of myself. The rare attack served to strengthen me, because I stood up for myself with the validation of my friends. In 'real' life I became more outgoing and confident, because I had learned that people respond positively to confident vulnerability and earnestness, and that the occasional negative reaction cannot possibly overwhelm all the positive reactions.

The more open and honest I become, the more I value transparency. It extends to every part of my life -- I dislike secrets, do not care for privacy, and cannot stand lies. I don't believe that there is a such thing as TMI because I don't think anything should be taboo to speak of. I do not like hiding in any way -- concealing makeup, figure-altering clothing (or indeed, any clothing at all), keeping quiet when my spirit demands that I speak up, acting strong when I am weak, etc. I want to be on the outside the same as I am on the inside. There have been times when I have been afraid to post something because I worried that my friends list might react negatively; I saw those topics as a challenge, and once I had gathered enough courage I posted them.

My outspokenness has caused issues in my face-to-face relationships, but the only thing that has caused a significant issue here on LJ is my love of nudity. I've lost a handful of friends over it, one which I really miss (the others not so much). I take nude self-portraits and model for art nudes, and I share the images online. I consider nudity natural and pure (though it has been fetishized by society); some do not share my opinion and consider it crass or even wicked. Others are comfortable with the idea of nude modeling, but are made uncomfortable by me posting the images in my journal and using nude icons. I have made the compromise of putting large nude photos under an lj-cut that is labeled with a warning, but I will not give up my nude icons. Icons are a person's image on LJ, and nudity as pure art is a very important part of who I am.

When I realize my actions are making someone uncomfortable, I consider changing. I weigh how important the issue is to me with how much it bothers the other person, and why. If it is not an important part of my being and that person is speaking for themselves, I am happy to change to accommodate a friend. However, if the issue concerns something that I consider a vital part of who I am, I will change it for no one. For instance, I will not lie for someone (except perhaps in a life and death situation). Also, if I consider the person to be speaking for society instead of speaking for themselves, I am not likely to change because I do not care about society. I don't have to worry much about that one because I don't really attract those who tend to speak for society; I attract those who, like me, enjoy having their mindsets upended.


( NWS for nudity of course -- a self-portrait from my latest series )

LJ idol topic 10: "Whose LJ is it anyway?" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))

Ben and I went out to our favorite Mexican restaurant this weekend and as usual the food was fantastic and the service was amazing. Even though they were very busy, the waiter kept up with us very well. And my mouth is watering thinking of the food! Somehow it tasted yummier than usual. Anyway, the greatest part was when we went to pay and the owner (I know his name but I can't remember it right now) told us that it was his treat, Merry Christmas! :D :D :D I thought that was so very wonderful! I was just absolutely beaming. (we made sure to tip anyway, of course) Yay for kind & generous people using Christmas as a reason to be even more kind and generous. ♥

and speaking of giving Christmas cheer, I finally have most of my presents wrapped but none of them are shipped and some of them haven't even gotten to ME yet (I like to buy online), so they're all going to be late. It's my way of extending the holidays. *snicker*

Also! A million belated thanks to roina_arwen for the delicious mint chocolate cookies -- you're quite the baker! -- and the lovely notebook! Many many thanks to little_ph0enix for
Daughters of Isis & Initiation -- I can't wait to read them! I've entered an Egypt phase, it seems, as I started (re)reading the Ramses series last week. Thanks for the fresh additions to my knowledge bank! And thanks to sunshinepill for the gorgeous polaroid -- now I have one of your originals. *glee* Don't worry, I will keep it even when you get famous and I could make a killing off of it. :D Thanks also to bluebl00d and bornbeautiful for the cards! You're all so wonderful to me I could just explode.

I've added quite a few newbies lately and I want to get a jumpstart on knowing y'all, (and I'd like the oldies who haven't done it to do it too!) so
( please answer me
these questions thirty-three )
(comments are screened, but will be unscreened unless you request otherwise)
(and if I unscreened you and you want it screened just lemme know)
unless you already have, in which case add these three (still comment at this link, but add as a reply to your own comment if you will):

8. what are you most passionate about?
9. what is your primary goal/purpose in life?
10. which of your qualities are you actively working to improve? Don't cop out and say all -- which ones are you focused on right now?

you can read all of my answers here.

I've had AMAZINGLY intricate dreams lately.

I was at a giant house with a bunch of kids (I was younger, maybe 11) including my brother and Sam (one of Ben's brothers). My brother was tormenting me so I went to hide in a strange little room, high upstairs (possibly the attic?) and I was alone for a while until Sam came along and started annoying me also! I closed the curtains of the windows to the hallway, and he responded by unlatching the room from the house. At first I was a little scared, but then I realized I was on the deck of an airship. It was just plain wooden boards underfoot, a wood banister all the way around, and a wheel that floated above the floor without any regard for gravity. The only other thing in sight was the servant-of-all-work, who told me that the airship chose its own captain and would obey no other. It sent the wheel to me, so I took it and began traveling around -- zooming over land and skimming rivers. As it was closing in on night, I pulled in to a hotel (!!) and hooked up my ship. (at this point I panned out a bit and saw that the airship looked like a regular house with a flat deck on top instead of a roof, and a slightly tilted bottom) The steward took me downstairs (despite the featureless deck?) and I was happy to discover that I had heaps of gold coins everywhere. Suddenly I realized this was a pirate ship, and that I would have to figure out some other way of getting money to run it because I wasn't going to steal. I had the idea of being a messenger/transporter/buyer for the ridiculously rich, and sent my steward to invite the local princess and her entourage for dinner. He came back with a cook and two FLUFFY kittens, and at first I was like, eh, I like non-fluffy cats, but I couldn't send them away so I kept them anyway (the airship conveniently had a small room just for them!). Shortly after that, the princess arrived, and we all sat down to a super fancy dinner (including the cook and steward because I'm no snob!). Then I woke up!

----

I was walking through a forest in gorgeously sunny weather (definitely in GA) and came upon this guy with absolutely perfect lips. I stared for a moment, utterly entranced, and then asked if I could kiss him. He looked at me a little oddly and asked why, and I laughed and said "because I want to!" He said okay, so I kissed him -- it went on forever and was a deliriously beautiful experience. I felt everything at once -- the intimacy of his mouth, the sweetness of sharing something so lovely, the warmth of the sun in the air and the earth, the friendliness and protection of the trees. I felt so much love and perfection in that moment. And even though I didn't recognize this guy, I felt like we had a history, had incredibly passionate, genuine love for each other.

Then the scene switched and I was in a cave, trying to find the guy. I finally did and was surprised that he didn't look how I remembered him -- I hadn't paid any attention to anything except his lips, so I don't know why I thought he looked different when I hadn't noticed his looks before, but he was definitely darker-skinned and possibly shorter, with different facial features. I wanted to kiss him again but these enemies arrived and put him in chains, and a dragon/magician turned me into a mermaid so that we couldn't be together (in that dreamworld humans and merpeople did not have compatible genitalia). I fell into a pool in the cave and watched as they took him away.

The scene switched again and I was human, mediating a dispute among neighboring countries. They were fighting over who could use the road that divided them, so I instructed them to set up small walls along each side of the road, and people could only use the road for traveling (not for living on?) -- to measure this, they had to be on a horse or in a carriage. Then I supervised as they began work, and some of my friends were there helping to build the road barriers. I can't remember exactly who, but I know there was a guy, a girl, and delicatexflower, and I think Ben was also there. I told them about the guy with the amazing lips and mentioned that I thought it was odd that it was a guy and not a girl, 'cause I didn't expect to fall for any guy other than Ben. (they kinda listened and nodded without really saying anything) Then I noticed several holes in the stone we were working on, and wasps swarmed out of the hole and landed all over me. I froze, hoping they wouldn't sting me, and floated in the air so as not to crush any and invoke their wrath. delicatexflower started picking them off, and I was afraid they'd sting her but then she told me that they weren't wasps at all -- they were spiders. I didn't believe her because I could feel their rotten little feet and threatening wings on me, but then she showed me one. She was pulling them off of me by grabbing their trail of thread and pulling it. They were actually pretty (black and red, but not black widows, with non-spindly, non-bulbous, non-hairy bodies), but they were layered between my clothes and skin so I just held still and let her get them off of me. I did take off the few I could see.

Haha, you guys see me very differently than I see myself! I was sure you'd all choose the first one, and it ended up being least popular. I think it's significant that kmiotutsie chose it though, because she's the only voter who's actually spent several days in a row with me ;-D and I apparently come across much more serious in my LJ than face-to-face. I laugh and grin a lot in real life. and rant and yell and make crazy faces. Maybe I should make a habit of posting videos more often. Anyway I made the two most popular choices into icons, shimmering and voltaic. ;-)

My posts have been monomaniacal lately, which is a bit irksome to me because when people come across it I feel they get the wrong idea about me. But sex (the act, sexual identity/ preference/ orientation, the social beliefs about it) seems to be the theme in my thoughts lately so it's the theme here. I suppose I'll just have to live with my monomaniacal LJ until the theme passes ;-)

On another note, I'm so freaking out of shape! I almost never get my heart rate up, never exert myself, and as a result I get out of breath so easily. And my muscles are weak, which annoys me greatly because I've always been strong. I really miss the feeling of confidence that comes with muscle strength. When I worked on the farm, I never got out of breath and never got tired (unless I did something REALLY exhausting like muck out the barn) -- I don't miss the drudgery and depression but I do miss my fitness! So I'm going to make that a current project -- for every thirty minutes of sitting I'm going to do some half-jumping-jacks (while holding my breasts, so they aren't REAL jumping jacks but I don't care to have my breasts fly off) to get my heart rate up (or maybe I'll get a jump rope and sports bra), and I'm going to sign up for Curves (now that we can afford it yay!) and go three times a week. And in a few months I'm going to start taking bellydance lessons again!

A few months ago I wrote this and never posted it, so here you go: ( my first experience with Unity Church (incl. first reiki experience), and current impressions ) Just being around people who are focused on spiritual growth is REALLY good for me.

Last Sunday I went to Unity again and the assistant pastor Bill spoke (because Nancy was out of town) about how to find happiness. One of the things he focused on was surrounding yourself with positive, growth-oriented people. I had noticed a girl who seemed close to my age sitting in the row in front of me, and had thought about giving her my contact info (since I thought I'd have to leave early but Bill is less verbose than Nancy), and his topic convinced me that I should. So I super-nervously spoke to her after the service (she had to offer her name because of course I forgot, and then I gave her the wrong name! agh!) and gave her my contact info, and she seemed open to the idea of being friends. And then I was very relieved that she actually contacted me AND added me on LJ (hi theindiequeen!) so I didn't put her off. And she lives decently close instead of HOURS away like everyone else! So hopefully we'll get to meet sometime this week. I am very proud of my own bravery! When I think back about how I used to be... just wow.

I am pretty desperate for friends in the area. I have so many AMAZING friends but you all live too damn far away! And I want to do stuff! The only friend I have close by is Ben, so when he is home I want to spend time with him, so I only do things that we both like -- which is pretty much go to coffee, go driving, or stay home. (every now and then he'll go to the used book store with me) And of course when he's at work he has the car, so I can't go out then. *sigh* I'm looking forward to getting a second car. Or a friend who lives nearby and likes similar things so that I can do stuff with them instead of by myself.

ALSO! Crafty friends, I want to commission a bright rainbow-colored ruffle-front or zip-up knit duster (like this or this or this, only in rainbow yarn) Are any of you available/able to do that sort of commission, or do you know anyone who is? As long as the prices are reasonable and the person is vouched for I'll be happy to pay half in advance (or if it is one of you, I'll pay it all in advance). I'd also be up for a thick rainbow fabric if the maker can find it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner Nimajneb, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

(I'm back!)

Happy Birthday Nea!!! and Happy belated Birthday Rorie! Oh-so-luckily, I recently found an artist I think you'd both like, who I am fairly sure you don't know of -- Noe Venable. ♥

( for you: 17 songs )

I want to go back and respond individually, but right now I just want to say thank you. I'm overwhelmed by how incredibly amazing you beautiful people are ♥ I was so touched and comforted to receive your sweet comments -- and so quickly! Thank you so much. *biiiiig group hug*

Ben and I went on a drive -- through the warm spattery rain at first and then under a gorgeous peachy-clean color-streaked sky (I took photos galore), and it helped a lot. The underlying issues are still there but they feel bearable now ♥

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- Nimajneb and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited Nimajneb and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

Right now, things are good with Hannah and I, but it has been a really hard battle -- it's like we have been tearing down walls that built themselves through distance and infrequent communication. We've had so many 'big conversations' this week -- really the same conversation, just digging into deeper levels each time. But the times between 'digging' are so magical, full of light and joy and laughter. We've taken so many insane videos *rolls eyes* (but because we are nudists most of them won't be hostable! ack!) and nearly 2,000 photos. (soon, my dears, sooooooon)

I've also been a terrible friend lately (including before Hannah got here), canceling plans with Kazi and Brian three times and canceling on SabR and Leslie too... I really feel dreadful about it. I abhor not keeping my word, and that's what I did... Kazi/Brian/SabR and I had a long chat about it a few nights ago and I think they're willing to forgive me but ugh, I can't get it out of my mind. And I hate that my various irrational fears have made it seem as if I don't want to see them, when I really deeply miss them. (and I wanted to meet Leslie) Also, FYI to LJ friends, please forgive my lack of commenting during the visit -- I'll still be reading but probably won't comment, and I may miss stuff. If there are any posts you'd especially like my input on, leave me the link and I will do my very best to respond as soon as possible.

I didn't realize how low on energy I am until this week -- things that would have been so easy for me are so hard now. Resting and connecting with Hannah helps, though, and I feel like my energy is slowly increasing.

because the icon and subject are depressed, but for the past day I've been happy:


(photo by Hannah)

life is beautiful ♥

so far we haven't kept many of our plans :-p but it's so delightfully nourishing just to be together. It's been so wonderful and exhausting (I had forgotten how we intensify each other!)... and the more we re-connect, the more magical everything becomes. *deep, contented sigh*

(have soooo many photos (and videos!) to post but must get Hannah & Ben's approval for ones with them. *makes faces*)