I went to south GA, where I spent my early childhood, and met Nea! We went exploring in the woods (bridges through swampy areas, dark like old forests are) and came upon a semi-deserted strip mall. As we walked down the street I noticed a flyer saying Missy Higgins was coming to town in about two weeks, and we excitedly discussed the possibility of Nea coming back to town for the concert (I think I was offering to pay, or knew of a way it wouldn't be too expensive). We moved on from the teeeeeeeeeeeeny town and came upon a lake/pond where about 20 of Nea's friends were (!?!). We all got in the water, me naked of course -- cops came around but I managed to escape notice by putting my arms on top of my (cartoonishly) buoyant breasts and submerging myself. Then the cops left and we all got out of the water and lounged on the bank in a large circle, talking. One of her friends joked about the difference between male and female (something not-body-related), which pissed me off since I don't believe in that shit, but I kept my mouth shut. THEN he made some 'joke' about having sex with her, and I turned to her and said, "You better kick his ass! ... unless he was talking to someone else," because I realized he didn't specify who he was talking to and there were two other girls sitting next to Nea. (this whole dream happened at night, but it must have been a full moon because it was easy to see)

( Hannah and I spend lovely time, she leaves and doesn't know why, I talk to her about being disassociative, encourage grieving )

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner Nimajneb, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

(I'm back!)

Happy Birthday Nea!!! and Happy belated Birthday Rorie! Oh-so-luckily, I recently found an artist I think you'd both like, who I am fairly sure you don't know of -- Noe Venable. ♥

( for you: 17 songs )

There's this meme that acid_burns and bluebl00d did, that goes like this: Comment and (if you want) I'll give you a letter. In your journal, list 10 of your favorite songs that begin with that letter. So I commented and Vee gave me 'R' "for radiant, as you are" (*beams*) and Nea gave me 'S' for strength. Sooo, this mix is entitled "Radiant Strength" though it's not necessarily themed accordingly. And I googled 'radiant strength,' found two images and compiled them for this:


Radiant Strength

(click for a zip of all 19 songs)

Raga bageshwari -- Deepika
Raks Zahra -- Cairo Trip Hop Underground
Repeat Defeat -- Invisible Ballet
Ring Around Her Finger -- Tonic
Rebellion (Lies) -- The Arcade Fire
Resist -- Kosheen
Reset -- MuteMath
Rest Easy -- John Reuben
Said The Sun To Shine -- Earthsuit
Stare At The Sun -- MuteMath
Surgery In the Sky -- Venus Hum
Scar -- Missy Higgins
Shame -- PJ Harvey
Swallow Me -- Esthero
Spring To Kingdom Come -- Flunk
Stay With Me -- Dolores O'Riordan
Somebody Else's Song -- Lifehouse
Secret -- The Benjamin Gate
Stripped -- Shiny Toy Guns

(it makes a surprisingly coherent journey!)

( more info & individual downloads )

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

Pandora has reawakened my love for music! bluebl00d and acid_burns got it started by introducing me to all kinds of new music, but that wasn't a daily thing of course -- now I can discover new music anytime I want. It's awesome -- just enter a song or artist and it creates a station based on that music, not by genre but by actual SOUND, OMG it's thrilling! Just a few days ago I discovered Neulander, and fell so in love that I had to buy the music immediately (instead of hunting through used CD stores & ebay like usual).

I used to be utterly ADDICTED to music; I never left the house without my walkman, and the first thing I did when I walked into my bedroom was turn on the radio. I knew all the groups on the three stations I listened to; my list of favorites ran into 40s; I could wax rhapsodic on genre or group; I knew all these esoteric groups no one else had ever heard of; I saved up at age 13-14 to buy a stereo that was about $150 -- a hell of a lot of money for someone who made 5$ an hour babysitting occasionally. The greatest thrill in my life was hearing a powerful song by a group I hadn't heard of. Music was my passion, my life -- my mother and father and friend. When I was hurting I turned to God and music together -- I would put on music and talk to God. I would listen to a CD on random and ask God to speak to me through a song... so many times a line would catch my attention, one that I'd heard a million times but had new meaning to me in that moment.

When The Benjamin Gate broke up I lost interest in music. I loved that band SO much and they were SO much a part of my life. I saw them 6 times in concert, three times in Georgia, once flying to Pennsylvania, once driving to Tennessee, and for their final show I (and three others) drove 13 hours ONE WAY to Texas. They gave me so much hope... if they hadn't come out with a new CD when I was living with my aunt and uncle I don't think I could have stood that time. When they broke up I went into mourning, I think. I didn't want to love any band the way I loved them... They WERE music to me, so when I buried my feelings for them, I buried my passion for all of music.

Now that passion is reawakening, stirring to life within me. I am wildly yearning to go to a concert and hear someone play who can make my soul scream in agreement. (I am definitely going to that Mutemath concert -- can't wait!) I think it is beautifully appropriate that Adie has just released her solo album (though I haven't heard it, 'cept for the few songs on her myspace). She's moving on as I am.

this took FOREVER. but I love it! I added part of it to my userinfo and the whole thing to my myspace. Yes I have a myspace, I use it for collecting new music, don't judge me, you!

adored favorites:
(absolutely MUST have, desert island necessity, would perish without! all current loves, listened to constantly)





( other favored music -- lots of images but all tiny )

Comment and tell me what (if any, heh) music you share my love for!