Aurilion's visit was rainbow-shatteringly, thunderstorm-resoundingly, forest-clappingly pixie-ecstatic! Oh God/dess, there really aren't words. I'm shaking now with the thrill of remembering it. Everything, EVERYTHING, was on fire with joyful pinwheels of color. *deeeeep sigh*



Just one photo for now, but ( not to worry, there are many more to come... )

I learned so much about Aurilion and fell so much more in love with zir! I learned that ze giggles even more than I do! And I saw zir tiger side -- I hadn't seen it before but wow, ze is fierce, and wild. (and as feline as I am) So creative, so full of faith, so full of joy. And as photogenic as ze is, ze is so much more beautiful in person, with zir glorious spirit shining through. Ze is SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. I could not stop gazing at zir -- every single aspect is so perfect, so stunning. And zir touches? God/dess, shiveringly delightful! So gentle and sweet -- I get the taste of honey and the scent of Bastet when I think of zir magic fingertips on my skin. And kisses... oh wow. (I will save that for another post, as it deserves its own)

The visit was only four days (three full days and two halves) but felt like an eternity and a flash. Every moment was so alive with meaning! I noticed after ze left that I was completely drained and exhausted (in a good way), which set me to thinking, and I realized that it was because of our heart-openness. I am very willing to open my heart and I am in the habit of opening it wide at any invitation, but my 'at rest' state is half-open. Aurilion is even more willing to open zir heart and so our mutual invitations kept both of our hearts wide-open the whole visit. I'm not used to having my heart wide-open for such a long stretch at a time, so by the end I was overwhelmed. (Aurilion was too, but not quite as much I don't think, as zir heart's 'at rest' state seems to be 3/4ths open, so it wasn't quite as much of a stretch) I'm amazed that ze can live so heart-open -- ze inspired me so much the whole visit! I've been in a resting-state from the intense growth of this experience, which is why I didn't post this sooner -- even though I was yearning to express it! I needed time to gather myself and process things.

I also realized that I have a rather unique way of processing things -- through dreams. Yes, I know that technically everyone does this, but for me it is a very active experience. I don't lucid-dream, but I actively meditate on and learn from my dreams. If I don't get enough dream-time (most of which occurs after 7 hours of sleep, for me) when in a period of growth, I start feeling confused and frustrated -- I need to dream. So I have spent a lot of time dreaming the past two days, and now I feel like I am taking all these new jewels of wisdom-love and setting them into the complex design that is my Self.

the wonderful thing about falling in love is that you learn everything about that person, and so quickly! and if it's true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes, and it brings out the best in you... it's almost as if you are falling in love with yourself.

Being in love... I feel in love with everyone, everything. It feels almost too much to bear to go out in public because everyone is so impossibly beautiful and wonderful it overwhelms me. I want to kneel at the feet of each person and honor their unutterably amazing, fascinating Self. It's like being hurried through a gallery of the most intricate, meaningful paintings, and only getting the merest glimpse of each one. I have felt this for always, but never so strongly. Never so fully.

Everyone is so important. Whenever I hear of someone dying, I feel a loss because most likely, that person's wisdom, their view, has been lost to all of us who are still here. The thing they had to teach us rests only in the minds of those who knew them, and soon fades. I want everyone's story! If our education consisted of learning others' life stories, how wise would we be? How much would we understand? That is the true wisdom, learning other people. If you learn even one person in a deep way, you learn more than you could ever know from all the objective facts.

Instead we hurry (or are hurried) through the gallery of life, taking perfunctory glimpses, and don't even consider that each painting is more than a splash of random color. (we concentrate on the walls and floor!) We don't even look at ourselves, thinking that we are just random splotches too. Most of the time we draw curtains over most of ourselves so that others can't see our 'splotchiness' -- and we rob others of the joy, the wisdom, the love that they could get from seeing our trueselves. And we measure everything by how it matches the little we know of our own colors, instead of exploring, delving into others and realizing how amazing it is that we all have so much intricacy, so much complexity that we could gaze and gaze forever and there would always be something we hadn't noticed before.

I want to cry out, don't hide! please don't hide from me, I want to honor you. I want to know absolutely everything about you. When I offer you the opportunity to gaze at my trueself, please don't flinch and hide yourself, open to me also. We are the same, perfect in our difference.

( I have a fanciful dream )

This is a big part of the reason LJ is so important to me. Here, people pull back the curtains -- some a little, some a lot -- and I can learn others. And I can explore myself, and save my discoveries so that others can see my intricacy as well. I want to offer people the chance to know me, because just like everyone else, deep knowledge of me brings wisdom. I am a facet of God/dess that no one else can ever show.

((for those coming in from LJ idol, not seeing the lj-cut -- at the bottom of this post is a nude image, so scroll carefully if you want to avoid it.))

I like that this topic came up this week, because it was just this weekend that I realized that LJ idol was changing my journaling style in a way I didn't like. I wasn't intentionally censoring, but I was writing for an audience instead of myself. Right now I'm wrestling with the desire to fancy up this entry, but I am determined to stop this trend, so I will smooth no rough edges and add no lace.

I've had my LJ since 2003 -- more than four years now. Over that time I've made an incredible journey thanks to my LJing ways. Not long after I started my LJ I decided that I wanted to be more open and honest, and that I wanted to use my journal as a way to reach that goal. I began to share my thoughts and feelings publicly, which was very difficult at first; but as I shared, I grew closer to my friends and they became more supportive, which made me able to share deeper levels of myself. The rare attack served to strengthen me, because I stood up for myself with the validation of my friends. In 'real' life I became more outgoing and confident, because I had learned that people respond positively to confident vulnerability and earnestness, and that the occasional negative reaction cannot possibly overwhelm all the positive reactions.

The more open and honest I become, the more I value transparency. It extends to every part of my life -- I dislike secrets, do not care for privacy, and cannot stand lies. I don't believe that there is a such thing as TMI because I don't think anything should be taboo to speak of. I do not like hiding in any way -- concealing makeup, figure-altering clothing (or indeed, any clothing at all), keeping quiet when my spirit demands that I speak up, acting strong when I am weak, etc. I want to be on the outside the same as I am on the inside. There have been times when I have been afraid to post something because I worried that my friends list might react negatively; I saw those topics as a challenge, and once I had gathered enough courage I posted them.

My outspokenness has caused issues in my face-to-face relationships, but the only thing that has caused a significant issue here on LJ is my love of nudity. I've lost a handful of friends over it, one which I really miss (the others not so much). I take nude self-portraits and model for art nudes, and I share the images online. I consider nudity natural and pure (though it has been fetishized by society); some do not share my opinion and consider it crass or even wicked. Others are comfortable with the idea of nude modeling, but are made uncomfortable by me posting the images in my journal and using nude icons. I have made the compromise of putting large nude photos under an lj-cut that is labeled with a warning, but I will not give up my nude icons. Icons are a person's image on LJ, and nudity as pure art is a very important part of who I am.

When I realize my actions are making someone uncomfortable, I consider changing. I weigh how important the issue is to me with how much it bothers the other person, and why. If it is not an important part of my being and that person is speaking for themselves, I am happy to change to accommodate a friend. However, if the issue concerns something that I consider a vital part of who I am, I will change it for no one. For instance, I will not lie for someone (except perhaps in a life and death situation). Also, if I consider the person to be speaking for society instead of speaking for themselves, I am not likely to change because I do not care about society. I don't have to worry much about that one because I don't really attract those who tend to speak for society; I attract those who, like me, enjoy having their mindsets upended.


( NWS for nudity of course -- a self-portrait from my latest series )

LJ idol topic 10: "Whose LJ is it anyway?" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))

Many people understand the concept of 'best friend' as the person who is closer to you than anyone else, or the person whom you love more than anyone else. I have a concept of 'best friends' that I call soulfriendship. It goes a step beyond most 'best friends' relationships in that it is a conscious commitment with specific qualities, and it is not restricted to only one person. It does take a LOT of energy and I can't imagine having very many of them, but I have had two at once so I know it is possible.

Recently one of my soulfriendships ended -- not in the usual way of intimate relationships (fighting and fury), but by recognising that we were not in the right place in our lives to continue such a deep relationship. I think it is a testament to the beauty of soulfriendship that it can end gracefully, without severing the connection. I am still recovering from the loss, but I learned so incredibly much through the experience. I have refined the old definition to this:

• Love & Affection.
  To me, these are different aspects that go hand in hand. Love is the recognition that the other person has incalculable worth, which can never change -- it is seeing the sacred self in someone, and feeling the bond that connects us all. Affection is a positive feeling that the other person creates in you (and vice versa) by doing/saying positive things for/to you. Love starts the relationship; affection fuels it. (my in-depth post on the topic)
  
• Commitment.
  I used to call this aspect 'permanence' but have since realized it is more complex than that. I believe that two healthy people can overcome any obstacle -- but sometimes we are wounded by things we cannot control, and all of our best efforts are not enough. So this aspect I now call 'commitment' -- meaning that both people will do their absolute best to overcome obstacles that keep them from maintaining the soulfriendship. Sometimes one or both will not be able to do enough, but they will try with every resource they have until they can do no more. Also included in this is willingness to forgive; in an intimate relationship you will be hurt, and for commitment to have meaning it has to survive that hurt through forgiveness.
  
• Trust.
  I define trust as willing to take the risk of hurting or being hurt. It's a faith that the relationship will survive failings on the part of either person. It's the other half of commitment: the belief that not only are YOU committed, but the other person is also; not only will YOU forgive, but the other person will also.
  
• Honesty.
  I define honesty as a refusal to deceive. Honesty is answering any question with the truth (the whole truth, and nothing but the truth), without trying to hide anything. You don't have to phrase things rudely to tell the truth, but even with the gentlest phrasing, the truth may offend or hurt. Still, I believe that the kind of hurt the truth may bring is like the sting of disinfectant on a wound -- it hurts but does not damage, and is ultimately healing.
  
• Openness.
  Openness is the other half of honesty; it is the willingness to share truth. To be open is to offer yourself, to place your truth into the hands of those willing to receive instead of waiting for them to ask. We are such complex creatures that no one could ever learn us fully by asking questions -- we have to share of our own volition.
  
• Inclusion. (communication and decision-making)
  There's no set time on how much or how often you communicate, but it needs to be frequent enough that both people have a good understanding of what is going on in the other person's life. On the important decisions in your life, include the other person -- they know you so well and care so much that their advice is very valuable. Consider how your decisions affect them; in an intimate relationship, what helps them helps you and vice versa.
  
• Desire to Grow.
  This is absolutely necessary in a soulfriendship, though non-committed friendships can do fine without it. In a soulfriendship you are constantly balancing yourself against the other, constantly giving and receiving -- in constant flux. If you do not change, you will end up out of step with the other person, a gap that will only increase with time. If you backtrack you will end out of step even faster -- so the only way to stay connected is for both people to be growing, or changing positively. There are many ways to do this; counseling (I firmly believe that every single person in this broken world needs at least some mentor-type guidance), self-education, art, giving help to others, spiritual exploration... the important thing is that this aspect is never-ceasing. Sometimes you will only have energy for a small amount of growth, and sometimes the best way to grow is through a period of deliberate hibernation (with a limited time span), but it must be a conscious goal for soulfriendship to flourish.
  
• Unselfishness.
  I define this as the willingness to sacrifice your time, energy, and other resources in order to help the other person. Going out of your way, doing unpleasant or difficult things for the sake of the other person. It should be balanced between your resources and the other person's need; draining yourself can harm you and the relationship, but every once in a long while, it is necessary to pour yourself out for the other person. Then at another time ze will do the same for you.

myself and my former soulfriend Hannah;
I feel this illustrates soulfriendship perfectly.

LJ idol topic 7: "My Best Friend" ((going with this one! will add voting link thursday))

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ... )
polyamorous: ( ... )
partnered: ( ... )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ... )
curvy body-positive: ( ... )
fiercely individualistic: ( ... )
feminist/equalist: ( ... )
nudist: ( ... )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ... )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

I've been reading a book that references the cynicism of adulthood in comparison to the open-mindedness of childhood, and it got me thinking...

Children know the right way to live -- with wide-open eyes, taking everything seriously, believing unreservedly, following what their hearts tell them. We as adults train ourselves out of that because we are afraid of being vulnerable. We were not taught that we were of infinite value, or that we deserve love -- we were wounded in our delicate, open youth and so we have learned that to be open is to be hurt. But that is the only way to truly live, to experience the depth of joy in life. There's a part of the Bible that tells of how these little children wanted to be near Jesus, and the disciples tried to send them away because "We're having grown-up talk right now, very important, and we have no time for you." Jesus scolded them and told them that unless they become as vulnerable and open as a child they would never be able to truly connect with divinity. Then he joyfully blessed the children. ( the non-paraphrased version )

Our world is fucked up and if we are open, we WILL be hurt. But also, being open and willing to give and receive without reservation is the only way we will ever heal our world. So we have to accept the pain and decide that it is worth it... only then will we be able to truly connect with each other and with God/dess (whatever we perceive her/him to be). Also, we need to recognize that children have the same worth as adults, and we need open minds and hearts to learn from them. We are all on the same journey, regardless of age.

- - - b e a u t y - - -
please watch the whole thing, it is so worth it
That video made me cry and cry with sheer joy that there are people who live so lovingly.
When Hannah comes to visit this time, she and I and lil sis are going to visit ♥

I've said some of this before but I think it deserves its own post.

I do not believe in talking about someone behind his/her back; I consider that very disrespectful. Everything I have written about any problems with any of my friends and everything I will write, I have ALREADY TOLD THEM FIRST and usually discussed it quite thoroughly. (except I can think of one case when I did not, with Kristen. It was a very minor issue (she thought I was boring and that bothered me), but nonetheless I should have discussed it with her first.) If I have an issue with someone, I keep it to myself until I discuss it with the primary person. After that, I feel free to discuss it with whomever I want, because it is part of my life and as such the story belongs to me. Usually at that point I have worked out the issue and I include the reconciliation in my telling of the story, but I don't consider the reconciliation necessary.

So if I don't have the guts to approach the primary person about an issue I have with them, I will not discuss it at all, unless and until I have confronted the primary person. If the primary person is not a friend of mine, I do not feel that I owe them the courtesy of telling her/him FIRST, but I do believe that I owe them the courtesy of not talking behind her/his back.

I think if 'Aye', talks about 'Bee' without telling Bee FIRST, or at least simultaneously, that is extremely disrespectful to Bee and deceitful of Aye. And if Aye talks about Bee behind her/his back, without ever telling Bee her/his words, that is a sure sign that Aye doesn't believe what s/he is saying, and therefore it is most likely untrue.

The one exception is if a friend says 'I need your advice on this, I want to approach so-n-so but am not sure how.' I think when you are coming at it from an angle of intending on talking to the person and working it out, and you're just trying to get advice on HOW to approach it, that is completely different. But it should still be with only a VERY few, very trusted people, and confrontation should definitely happen afterwards.

And flipping the coin, if one of my friends talks negatively about another behind her/his back, I will mention it to them. I will not say specifics (unless speaking to the two people I have no secrets from (my soulfriends, Nimajneb and Hannah)), but I will say, "so-n-so said something about you, but I do not believe it (and/or) I do not agree with them (and/or) I want to hear your side of the story." I think for me to keep it to myself would be a breach of trust with the person talked about. To listen to someone talk negatively about my friend behind her/his back, and do nothing -- that I will not do. (obviously if the person you're talking about is not a close friend of mine, I will not get involved in the matter because that is none of my business) And if this bothers you, go ahead and unfriend me, or if you say negatives about a friend of mine without telling them first, filter me out of it. I apologize for not making this clear earlier, but it's never been an issue until lately.

If the negative-talker doesn't want the person she's speaking of to know, she shouldn't make it known. Once knowledge is in my head, it is MY knowledge and MY responsibility as to what to do with it. I can't say, 'well I didn't create this piece of knowledge and therefore it isn't my responsibility.' Knowledge is owned not by the creator but by anyone who knows it. What I know is my responsibility. If I know someone is lying to my friend (and speaking behind someone's back IS a lie of omission) and I do not tell her, I am also guilty of a lie of omission.

Ben and I had an interesting conversation tonight... lately it seems like we clash so much, but it feels productive, like we're getting somewhere. Tonight especially, we had a deep conversation about sharing pain and judging, and it felt so cleansing.

I believe that being open is absolutely essential in any deep relationship, and that means sharing joys and pain, every emotion... and for most people sharing joys is easy enough but sharing pain is hard. Ben's been working toward being more open with me, and before tonight he had never realised that that meant, in large part, sharing pain. That had been especially hard for him because he had believed that stating that someone had hurt him was judging that person. I explained that judging is stamping someone with their actions. It's not judging to say, "so-n-so told me a lie and that hurt me" but it is judging to say, "so-n-so told me a lie, so they're a liar." The first is just stating a fact, the second is judging. But in his family, the response to anyone saying 'this hurt me' was to defend the action of the person who had done the hurtful thing. And yeah, they may have had good motives, but that is IRRELEVANT. If one does something that hurts another, it's WRONG, because it caused pain. And I believe that the best response to someone saying 'this hurt me' is to put yourself in their shoes, imagine how you'd feel, and tell them that you can see why it hurt, because if you had been in their situation you would have felt hurt in this way and that way, and then you say that you are sorry that they had to go through that and you give what comfort and love you can. You don't 'defend' the hurtful actions, because that makes the person in front of you feel that their pain is invalid, or worse, that their pain is entirely their own fault. It doesn't matter why -- that is a question that you ask AFTER the person has at least begun to heal.

This had created distance between Ben and I because he felt that he couldn't share pain with me because I would 'judge' the person by saying that their action was wrong, and I couldn't share my pain with him because he would invalidate it and make me feel like it was my fault. But we've worked through it, and we plan to trust each other with our pain... I already feel safer with him, I feel like we tore down this huge wall between us... I'm excited.

He also said that he's become so much more openminded lately that he'd be willing to let me put eyeliner and shadow on him (only not in public yet). *huge evil grin* I think he was influenced a bit by the other day, when I was watching an episode of Alias and I saw Michael Vartan in dark eye makeup and SHRIEKED at how hot he was. just OMG. and I gotta say, I'm proud of my husband for kicking out some mental-gender stereotypes. Ben is amazing, and he gets more and more amazing all the time.

Oh yeah, over my forced internet hiatus I rented seasons 1-4 of Alias. yeah. 88 episodes, no joke. And I can't wait for November 21st, for season 5! I haven't seen it mind you so don't spoiler it for me, you people who watch TV. I think we're gonna have to buy it, there's no way I could wait for it to go on MVP. I also bought The L Word season 3!!! on wednesday, and I'm trying to take it slow but I only have 4 eps left, WHY are there only 12? And most of it's already spoilered for me but I'm still enjoying it, and I like Helena's character more and more. maybe I'll blather on about that when I finish the season.

and I was very very good and took care of 30+ join requests for curvygirls but I still have another 20 or so to wade through. So much to catch up on!

I have been just... FIREY lately. It's like I had to restrain all of my fire for a while so that I could learn how to use it properly, and now I have learned enough to let it (mostly) free again. I think it is very important to be honest, but also very important to be compassionate, and balancing those two qualities can be difficult.

In this struggle for balance, I have learned the supreme importance of vagueness. If someone shows me, say, a painting that holds great importance to them and I find it utterly hideous, I don't have to describe in detail how just glancing at it makes me want to throw up on it just to make it more attractive. Instead, I can just scrunch up my face and say, "I don't really like it." Usually they don't ask for more detail because my facial expression is eloquent enough. So I am getting across how I truly feel, without saying something that would hurt (it might hurt just that I don't like it, but I'd rather unintentionally hurt someone than deliberately deceive them with a lie they would like). I think it's honest to give someone a watered-down version of your opinion, as long as it still gives them the correct basic impression.

I've been overly watered down for a good while, and I am now realizing that part of that was because I was afraid of offending certain people (although some of it was because of genuine good will). But it was a good discipline, and I'm glad I chose it -- and I'm glad I'm out now. I feel so incredibly strong: my inner cobra has re-awakened. People will always take offense, no matter how delicately you tread, and I am not the type to enjoy treading delicately. I quite enjoy stomping. *stomp stomp* But I shall try to reserve my stomping for lies, not the people who believe in them. It's often a hard line to draw, and I am sure I will fail many times. But I'm willing to err on both sides now, rather than only on the side of caution/compassion -- I'm also willing to err on the side of too-blunt.

Speaking of compassion, I think possibly the strongest measurement of compassion is how you respect other's pain. If you tell someone to 'suck it up,' you are invalidating their pain, when you have no idea what they are going through. Everyone is different, everyone has different sore points. Obviously if someone high-fives a healthy person, it's not going to bother them one bit. But if that person happens to have a hand with several broken bones, the pain will incapacitate them. So if someone cries because a stranger gave them a dirty look, that doesn't mean they are 'oversensitive' -- it means that they have so much other pain in their life that that one act just made it too much. I don't believe there is a such thing as 'oversensitive' as it relates to pain. If you feel something, you feel it, and you can't control it so obviously you can't feel 'wrongly' or 'too much.' (however, I do think people can be oversensitive as relates to offense, because offense IS something you control and choose) I used to be the type of person who would think "omg, I can't believe you're upset over that" because I used to stifle all of my own feelings so I expected others to do likewise, and if they didn't then they were 'weak' or 'oversensitive.' I am so. fucking. glad. that I am no longer that person. I am unashamed of my own pain -- even to the point of shedding tears in public -- and because of that, I can respect other people's pain.

( this song has very deep meaning to me and I think it fits this entry, so: here is 'Feel' by Michelle Tumes )

I've been thinking a lot lately about the difference between openness and honesty. I used to think they were synonymous, but more and more I realize how completely different they are.

• Honesty is answering truthfully when asked a question, without trying to hide or deceive.
• Openness is offering truths without having to be asked. It doesn't mean you go around telling everything to everyone, but that you share freely with those who show interest.

Obviously you must be honest to be open, because if you are dishonest, you do not share truth, whether freely or begrudgingly. But you do not have to be open to be honest.

For a long time I worked on simply being honest -- it's harder than it seems. It's so easy to offer small lies or vague statements which serve to mask your true self -- hard to steel yourself to answering honestly when society expects pretty lies to uncomfortable truth. Being honest means people will consider you rude, crass, impolite. That stranger doesn't want to hear the truth when they say 'how are you' -- but 'fine' is one of the most common lies in the English language. Refraining from uttering that lie is a battle.

But I know many people who are honest -- I try to avoid people who aren't at least on the path to honesty. Openness is another thing entirely; I know very few who are even moderately open. Honesty is passive: openness is active. Open people seek to share, and to listen to others share.

Openness is a far harder battle, because rejection costs so much more with openness than it does with honesty. Honesty is about refusing to wear a mask -- openness is about exposing your inner self. Openness is about being vulnerable, offering not just your thoughts but also your feelings and beliefs. Openness is asking for help when you need it; sharing intensely painful or joyful experiences; sharing your emotions; sharing that which is sacred to you.

Also, honesty is simply telling what you know: openness requires learning who you truly are, looking deep into yourself in order to share what you find there.

Openness is a VERY painful journey, but oh, so worth it. An open person has little to fear from close relationships -- they have no secrets, they know they are loved for who they are. And people have little to fear from an open person, because they know where they stand with that person, and they can trust that person not to harbor hidden resentments or dislikes. They can relax, because they don't have to wonder if the other person secretly hates them, but is 'being nice' and hiding it.

I firmly believe that true freedom can only be found in true openness.

I have so much to say about Anika's visit... but what's really on my mind right now is something inspired by her but not about her.

I have been growing less and less interested in LJing, even thinking of dumping it entirely, and didn't realize why. It was becoming another shell, another way of being 'perfect' -- too much about what other people would want to read and no longer about me being myself. Too much about methods and rituals -- organizing how I would post, how I would comment, and then hating the methods and so avoiding the whole thing entirely. I have a war within myself between my old, method-bound, organize-and-follow-directions self, and my true self, who prefers to live by instinct, following the callings within and ignoring the pressure from without. Sometimes I get confused as to which is the true self.

Being around Anika, my soul-twin, and seeing how she lives, moves, believes, reacts, taught me a lot about myself. We are both passionately honest, but neither of us is completely open. I'm not as open as I thought I was, and she's not as open as I thought she was. I had completely repressed my intense, overwhelming desire for a 'soulfriend' -- a relationship so much deeper than friendship as most people understand it -- to the point that I had forgotten about it. That means that I haven't even been truly open with myself for long while. I have been locking away my emotions because I haven't had a safe person to share them with -- my marriage has been rocky, and it only hurts more to share my feelings with someone who loves but does not understand. Anika is my soul-twin, she understands me so well. Even as insecure as I have felt this week, not wanting to burden her since she is already hurting, and not sure how much of me she wants to know, I have felt safe enough to open up several dusty locked trunks inside. In one of them I rediscovered my desire to know myself, despite the pain that inevitably comes along with that.

In another I found my desire to be my true self -- that messy, organic, magical, primitive, wild self. I'm not inherently a neat, thoughtful person. I can be, but it's not one of my stronger qualities. My true self is impulsive, mercurial, changeable, unpredictable -- with all the crap that comes along with that. I can make people feel left out or forgotten or overlooked, because I AM so impulsive. And I've been trying to be this person who is steady and dependable -- it's just not me! I am the kind of person who will walk over burning coals if I know that you need it, but I am not the type to watch everyone I love and figure out for them if they need me. I have to be told, usually. Which requires a sacrifice on the other person's part -- they have to be vulnerable enough to say, "I need you to __________." And it's okay for me to be the kind of person that I am. I will slowly grow better at discerning needs, but I will never be as good as people who are born with that gift. And that's okay -- but I didn't realize that until I looked at Anika and saw a person with many of the same gifts (and lacks!), and saw how incredibly perfect she is just as she is. We weren't meant to be steady and dependable and predictable -- we have other gifts.

What this means in LJ-land is that I am deleting the ton of posts in my "temp" bookmark folder, and I will comment as I feel the impulse. I will post when I feel the impulse, rather than carefully filling every box in my calendar with a post every day. This will probably mean that sometimes your friends-page will be spammed with my posts -- and I refuse to lj-cut text, because I like to read my journal without having to flip between pages. Selfish? Perhaps. But it is important to me and I am not willing to sacrifice it. I may also de-add some people whose journals I tend to skim, because with my lack of commenting I want to be able to promise people who are on my list that I read their every word. And I won't respond to every single comment in my journal, but only those that I feel the desire to (or that ask a question, of course).

I firmly believe in being open about one's pain. If you are hurting, then the quickest route to healing is to admit your pain, face it, look for the root, and seek out healing. Burying it or minimizing it will only make the healing process more tedious. It bothers me when people say, "I feel like I don't have a right to talk about my pain because others hurt worse." By that logic, only the most hurting person on earth would be allowed to express her/his pain, and no one would ever know who that was -- so everyone would have to deny, minimize, ignore their pain.

Also, one person's pain is simply not comparable to another person's -- even if the situation is exactly the same, it will affect people in different ways because we are all so different. If someone walked up to me and cussed me out, insulting my looks, my intelligence, my morality, it wouldn't wound me deeply, simply because that is not a weak point for me. But if it happened to someone who was extremely sensitive about their looks or intelligence or morality, it would be devastating. The exact same action would inflict far more pain on one person than another. And all situations are that way! We can never never never understand another person fully, because we have not lived their life and we do not have their exact personality, so we can never make assumptions about how painful something may be. No one ever has a right to say, "my pain is greater than yours," or even "so-n-so's pain is greater than yours." Some wounds are by nature more destructive than others, true -- sexual abuse creates more lasting devastation than an insult, for instance -- but that does not invalidate the 'lesser' pain. Both people are deserving of equal sympathy and support. One person may need more than another, but they are worth the same, and neither should ignore her/his own pain to focus on another's. Heal yourself first so that you can see clearly to help others heal.

All of that said, there is a difference between expressing pain and merely complaining -- the difference is that expressing pain deals with a wound, whereas complaining deals with something that is not really hurtful, but instead offensive/irritating. So many times I have been irritated with a customer (where the only thing that was hurt was my pride) and SO tempted to come home and blast her/him in my journal, (and I have yeilded sometimes!) but I really believe that to do so would merely add negativity to negativity. Pain may be negative, but if your goal is healing or growth, pain is also positive. Offense/irritation are never positive, and dwelling on them simply feeds the negativity. It's the difference between picking at a scab (useless and destructive) and getting surgery (painful but productive).

This is a response to a question someone asked me a long while ago in some community:
If you can be completely open, can you also be trusting?

I think to be completely open is to be trusting -- they go hand in hand. If you can't trust someone, can you bring yourself to be completely open with them? And if you can't be open with someone, do you trust them at all?

I consider my openness to be a product of my trust in God -- that 'all things work together for the good of those who love him', not in people I know and the random strangers that happen by my journal. I've been burned a few times because of my openness, and it hurt, but living in truth more than makes up for it. I trust God to heal me and to make me strong enough to brush off naysayers. And learning to be open and honest has made me stronger than ever before -- it's a wonderful freedom to not worry about your mask slipping.

Some might say that isn't really trusting people, just God. To argue, I have to give my definition of trust. I believe that trust means sharing your heart with someone. Trust means allowing someone to matter to you -- being vulnerable to their humanness. Trust is saying, "I am giving you a piece of my heart -- you have complete freedom to do what you wish with it. I hope that you will keep it safe and exchange a piece of your heart to fill the space it left in mine -- but that is your choice." Trust is not a one-size-fits-all unit; you must use wisdom in deciding how large a part of your heart you wish to share. If you are continually giving away your heart to people who give nothing back, you will suffer. But if you give small pieces to test, and then give larger pieces when you know that they will respond equally (or nearly equally), you will grow. Sometimes you will give a large piece to someone who gives nothing back -- but you can rebuild what is lost, through love and time and other people's generous gifts. The amazing thing that I have found about giving your heart is that if you give it to the right people who reciprocate your gift, both of your hearts will grow. There is something magical about sharing a bond like that.

Openness is a certain kind of trust. It's a trust that gives very small pieces of your heart to people who show interest. It gets easier and easier as you go along, because though you give out tiny pieces of your heart (which feel large at the beginning), people do tend to give back -- and then you expand. As your heart grows, you feel the tiny gifts less and less, and the rewards feel more and more sweet.

The other day I was on break and Shamaila asked me why I had left work for several months, only to come back. I told her that it was a complicated story and asked if she was sure she wanted to hear it. She said yes, so I told her about the abuse and the healing process. Because I have been open for so long, that was really easy for me to do. A year or two ago, it would have felt like I was tearing my heart in half and giving half away -- but now, it felt like such a small gift, so easy, so simple. And I know she appreciated it. She said something that could easily have been hurtful -- "Well, at least it wasn't your dad, that would have made it so much worse" -- but I heard that she was trying to be comforting and understanding, I felt her intent, so it didn't hurt me. It was such a victim thing to say though, that I wonder and worry about her. She has all of the symptoms... I hope that if she has been wounded in that way and wants healing, that my sharing will make it easier for her to seek it.

feeling vulnerable... like I haven't for a long while. Probably it was a mistake to ask for the negatives right now when I'm not really up to taking them. Plus, I recently had several face-to-face-known people be critical of me when I was being myself (and not asking for criticism), and I haven't really recovered from that yet.

I feel terrible. And misunderstood. And like I don't want to share my growing process because people will think ill of me for being broken. And I'm trying not to think ill of them for thinking less of me than I deserve. We all see through dark wavy glass -- none of us really have a clear view of each other, though some work to see more clearly than others.

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And I'm irritated with some people (not you guys) for thinking that they have the right to criticize me just because I exist and they think ill of me. Keep it to yourself unless I ask. I don't go around criticizing you, though goodness knows I could because in a lot of ways I am wiser, but that is exactly the reason I refrain. I know that no one ever learns from criticism unless they are ready for it -- and if they are ready for it they will ask.

Also, not all criticism has value. If you don't know much about science, your criticism of the way a chemist mixes his stuff is nearly worthless. In the same way, if you don't know much about being open, your criticism of someone else's methods of openness are nearly worthless. (I say 'nearly' because I don't believe that any human opinion is totally worthless) A person's opinion (and criticism) should be weighed against her/his experience.

---Those who know less about the subject than you -- there might be a bit of truth in what they say, but don't take them too seriously. Even if you know more, don't criticize unless they ask.
---Those who are your equals -- consider, but remember that your opinion carries the same weight as theirs, so don't let them overwhelm you. Have respect and don't criticize unless they ask.
---Those who are your superiors -- keep your mouth shut and watch them, unless they ask for your opinion. I've never had somone who was superior to me in an area criticize me in that area unless I asked their opinion -- so I tend to think that if they do criticize you without you asking, they are probably not superior, and just think they are. And of course, realize that people who are your superiors in one area may be your peers or inferiors in another area, and treat each person and situation accordingly.

And you know what? I just realized I've been totally wrong, rude, selfish, and inconsiderate with you, Anika. (as I said, I know that no one ever learns from criticism unless they are ready for it -- and if they are ready for it they will ask) I am very sorry. I didn't think of what I said as criticism, but I was suggesting you change your behavior, which is a type of criticism. My aim was to support you and encourage you to be strong, but I think I failed miserably. If you don't read this I will apologise to you later, and I will certainly be more careful from now on.

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I am wounded but not weak.

When I said that my day (saturday) was life-changing, I meant it, I wasn't being flippant. Okay, long day, lots of spirit changes -- first at counseling, then bellydancing, then church.

At counseling, Patricia and I started by picking apart the dream that I had after the last session, about three different houses, the open, breezy, beautiful one where I was naked and open and utterly content in my hispanic family; the house I lived in with my parents where ALL the memories pretend to be, even if they happened at a different time; and the skeleton of a house with an evil foundation. ( ... ) She explained that not all the parts of me want what I want. Some parts hate the fact that I didn't die (and still want to die), some parts hate God, some parts refuse to enjoy life, etc. And she said that God has given me authority over all parts of me, and I need to take authority and use it. So she gave me a thing to say, not a prayer or a mantra but similar, where I take authority over all parts of me and command the parts that don't know God to be silent and not interfere in my life. It's not a permanent solution, just something to keep me from warring against myself until I am one person. I said it, you know, but I didn't expect much of a result.

We also talked about my wish for parents ( ... )

Then I went to bellydancing, and oh-my-gosh. There was such a huge difference in my body's ability to connect with my spirit/mind. I mean, last time was horrible, I could see and comprehend but could not do. And part of it was this time I gave myself permission to fail, permission to not do it perfectly the first time -- but the huge difference was because of taking authority over myself. There was part of me that interfered with everything I did, and that part was forced to be quiet and stop blocking my dance. This time I danced in the in-between times, totally not caring if I was doing it wrong or if the other girls were looking. My body, my spirit, was so much more free, so much more alive.

And after that I went to church, and PJ gave an awesome sermon -- my favorite part was when he validated my feelings and current goal in life -- transparency. He said, point-blank, that transparency is something we should all strive for. That privacy is not something we should strive to protect. I was so excited, I clapped and cheered (no, I ain't kidding -- in my church nobody turns and looks at you funny if you do stuff like that). I think I was the only one thrilled with that declaration, though. Even the other "high I's" (extroverted hyper personality type) just kinda took it in -- but then I wasn't really paying attention to everyone else, so maybe some others were excited too. I'm so sick of the religious mindset that we're all supposed to hide most of ourselves and only share the 10% that we think others will consider 'worthy.' I'm delighted with PJ for saying otherwise.

I am strong, I am beautiful, I am true.