I've been meaning to share this since I took it in early January! It's not my favorite shoot (still getting used to using the timer, and don't have much space!) but I like it a good bit.

( nudity )

Jack Gescheidt

I discovered this nearly a year ago, I think from googling 'tree spirit' -- I'm awed and thrilled by this project. Nudes in nature are the epitome of beauty to me (especially when the nudes are various colors, ages, sexes, sizes and shapes), and wise old trees touch my heart in a way nothing else can. The trees he's found to photograph are... absolutely incredible. I hope to fly into San Francisco and be a part of a shoot either this year or next, to meet these trees if for nothing else.

I would love to create a project like this, with all color (he uses mostly black & white) and more of a variety in races, and a combination of the far-away and close-up shots. *sigh* one day...



( nudity, but the people are very small in the photos so maaaybe worksafe? )

Willow Jenkinson

Her medium is colored pencils, fine liner, and permanent marker -- and she does things with it that I never imagined were possible! Seeing her artwork makes me feel as if I am peering into someone's dream; everything is so intense and meaningful. The colors are delicious and the linework bold. She has such a distinctive style! She did some Mucha-style pieces (which I have included in this post) and managed to be clearly Mucha-esque while still being distinctively herself. I love her abstracted hands and the way she blends images so that often you don't notice one aspect until you look closer (such as the raven here or here) Most of all I love her symbolism and her unique deity exploration, especially with Egyptian aspects.

Her art reminds me of the way mine would be if I drew freely.



( not work safe -- nudity )

((for those coming in from LJ idol, not seeing the lj-cut -- at the bottom of this post is a nude image, so scroll carefully if you want to avoid it.))

I like that this topic came up this week, because it was just this weekend that I realized that LJ idol was changing my journaling style in a way I didn't like. I wasn't intentionally censoring, but I was writing for an audience instead of myself. Right now I'm wrestling with the desire to fancy up this entry, but I am determined to stop this trend, so I will smooth no rough edges and add no lace.

I've had my LJ since 2003 -- more than four years now. Over that time I've made an incredible journey thanks to my LJing ways. Not long after I started my LJ I decided that I wanted to be more open and honest, and that I wanted to use my journal as a way to reach that goal. I began to share my thoughts and feelings publicly, which was very difficult at first; but as I shared, I grew closer to my friends and they became more supportive, which made me able to share deeper levels of myself. The rare attack served to strengthen me, because I stood up for myself with the validation of my friends. In 'real' life I became more outgoing and confident, because I had learned that people respond positively to confident vulnerability and earnestness, and that the occasional negative reaction cannot possibly overwhelm all the positive reactions.

The more open and honest I become, the more I value transparency. It extends to every part of my life -- I dislike secrets, do not care for privacy, and cannot stand lies. I don't believe that there is a such thing as TMI because I don't think anything should be taboo to speak of. I do not like hiding in any way -- concealing makeup, figure-altering clothing (or indeed, any clothing at all), keeping quiet when my spirit demands that I speak up, acting strong when I am weak, etc. I want to be on the outside the same as I am on the inside. There have been times when I have been afraid to post something because I worried that my friends list might react negatively; I saw those topics as a challenge, and once I had gathered enough courage I posted them.

My outspokenness has caused issues in my face-to-face relationships, but the only thing that has caused a significant issue here on LJ is my love of nudity. I've lost a handful of friends over it, one which I really miss (the others not so much). I take nude self-portraits and model for art nudes, and I share the images online. I consider nudity natural and pure (though it has been fetishized by society); some do not share my opinion and consider it crass or even wicked. Others are comfortable with the idea of nude modeling, but are made uncomfortable by me posting the images in my journal and using nude icons. I have made the compromise of putting large nude photos under an lj-cut that is labeled with a warning, but I will not give up my nude icons. Icons are a person's image on LJ, and nudity as pure art is a very important part of who I am.

When I realize my actions are making someone uncomfortable, I consider changing. I weigh how important the issue is to me with how much it bothers the other person, and why. If it is not an important part of my being and that person is speaking for themselves, I am happy to change to accommodate a friend. However, if the issue concerns something that I consider a vital part of who I am, I will change it for no one. For instance, I will not lie for someone (except perhaps in a life and death situation). Also, if I consider the person to be speaking for society instead of speaking for themselves, I am not likely to change because I do not care about society. I don't have to worry much about that one because I don't really attract those who tend to speak for society; I attract those who, like me, enjoy having their mindsets upended.


( NWS for nudity of course -- a self-portrait from my latest series )

LJ idol topic 10: "Whose LJ is it anyway?" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))

Steven Perry

His other photography is great, but Steven's self-portraits just -- render me speechless and staring. I think many of us are afraid to show our complexity, because we feel that one side of us might somehow taint or invalidate the other side, or because we want to belong to a community; Steven faces that fear and laughs in its face. He shares every aspect of himself with utter rawness and honesty, and his photos SHOUT their meaning, flood you with emotion in response. Fear, love, anger, tenderness, depression, joy, self-assurance, self-hate -- showing true emotion is just the beginning. Every photo has a story to tell you and truths to give, both personal and universal.

Steven also explores what it means to live in a male body. Many nude male artists pose to hide the penis, as if it is something inherently more shameful than the rest of the body -- Steven doesn't (and he's gotten a lot of attacking from the community for it but he's not backing down). He doesn't allow himself to be restricted by the expectations most people have of a person living in a male body -- whether that be pose styles, body decorations, or whatever. Possibly more than anyone else, he has taught me what it means to be simply human, regardless of body shape.

These deserve to be seen full-size, & the artist comments he includes are often enlightening, so
I urge you to click to enlarge -- for the nudes, you will have to have a deviantart account and be signed in.



( NWS for nudity of course )

oro-elui

This woman is a brilliant photographer, photo-editor, and self-portraitist. I've chosen to feature her this week because she just got her first 'real' camera and most of the photos I am featuring were taken on a camera phone. Admittedly I don't know anything about camera phones and it might be quite nice, but nevertheless it would have many limitations and yet she produced such amazing art with it. I am thrilled to the bones that I get to watch her grow even more as an artist, using her new instrument!

I've featured a still life, an animal shot, earth landscapes, body landscapes, portraits, and nude self-portraits. The most I could narrow it down was 27 images! I am amazed by her range; her landscapes have as much life and meaning as her self-portraits. The concepts, the originality, the ingenuity -- she blows me away almost every time she uploads something new. It's one of my life goals to meet her. ♥

Please understand that you have not truly seen these until you have seen them full-size!
Click to enlarge -- on deviantart she permits the download of the original size.
For the nudes, you will have to have a deviantart account and be signed in.



( NWS for nudity of course )

Many people understand the concept of 'best friend' as the person who is closer to you than anyone else, or the person whom you love more than anyone else. I have a concept of 'best friends' that I call soulfriendship. It goes a step beyond most 'best friends' relationships in that it is a conscious commitment with specific qualities, and it is not restricted to only one person. It does take a LOT of energy and I can't imagine having very many of them, but I have had two at once so I know it is possible.

Recently one of my soulfriendships ended -- not in the usual way of intimate relationships (fighting and fury), but by recognising that we were not in the right place in our lives to continue such a deep relationship. I think it is a testament to the beauty of soulfriendship that it can end gracefully, without severing the connection. I am still recovering from the loss, but I learned so incredibly much through the experience. I have refined the old definition to this:

• Love & Affection.
  To me, these are different aspects that go hand in hand. Love is the recognition that the other person has incalculable worth, which can never change -- it is seeing the sacred self in someone, and feeling the bond that connects us all. Affection is a positive feeling that the other person creates in you (and vice versa) by doing/saying positive things for/to you. Love starts the relationship; affection fuels it. (my in-depth post on the topic)
  
• Commitment.
  I used to call this aspect 'permanence' but have since realized it is more complex than that. I believe that two healthy people can overcome any obstacle -- but sometimes we are wounded by things we cannot control, and all of our best efforts are not enough. So this aspect I now call 'commitment' -- meaning that both people will do their absolute best to overcome obstacles that keep them from maintaining the soulfriendship. Sometimes one or both will not be able to do enough, but they will try with every resource they have until they can do no more. Also included in this is willingness to forgive; in an intimate relationship you will be hurt, and for commitment to have meaning it has to survive that hurt through forgiveness.
  
• Trust.
  I define trust as willing to take the risk of hurting or being hurt. It's a faith that the relationship will survive failings on the part of either person. It's the other half of commitment: the belief that not only are YOU committed, but the other person is also; not only will YOU forgive, but the other person will also.
  
• Honesty.
  I define honesty as a refusal to deceive. Honesty is answering any question with the truth (the whole truth, and nothing but the truth), without trying to hide anything. You don't have to phrase things rudely to tell the truth, but even with the gentlest phrasing, the truth may offend or hurt. Still, I believe that the kind of hurt the truth may bring is like the sting of disinfectant on a wound -- it hurts but does not damage, and is ultimately healing.
  
• Openness.
  Openness is the other half of honesty; it is the willingness to share truth. To be open is to offer yourself, to place your truth into the hands of those willing to receive instead of waiting for them to ask. We are such complex creatures that no one could ever learn us fully by asking questions -- we have to share of our own volition.
  
• Inclusion. (communication and decision-making)
  There's no set time on how much or how often you communicate, but it needs to be frequent enough that both people have a good understanding of what is going on in the other person's life. On the important decisions in your life, include the other person -- they know you so well and care so much that their advice is very valuable. Consider how your decisions affect them; in an intimate relationship, what helps them helps you and vice versa.
  
• Desire to Grow.
  This is absolutely necessary in a soulfriendship, though non-committed friendships can do fine without it. In a soulfriendship you are constantly balancing yourself against the other, constantly giving and receiving -- in constant flux. If you do not change, you will end up out of step with the other person, a gap that will only increase with time. If you backtrack you will end out of step even faster -- so the only way to stay connected is for both people to be growing, or changing positively. There are many ways to do this; counseling (I firmly believe that every single person in this broken world needs at least some mentor-type guidance), self-education, art, giving help to others, spiritual exploration... the important thing is that this aspect is never-ceasing. Sometimes you will only have energy for a small amount of growth, and sometimes the best way to grow is through a period of deliberate hibernation (with a limited time span), but it must be a conscious goal for soulfriendship to flourish.
  
• Unselfishness.
  I define this as the willingness to sacrifice your time, energy, and other resources in order to help the other person. Going out of your way, doing unpleasant or difficult things for the sake of the other person. It should be balanced between your resources and the other person's need; draining yourself can harm you and the relationship, but every once in a long while, it is necessary to pour yourself out for the other person. Then at another time ze will do the same for you.

myself and my former soulfriend Hannah;
I feel this illustrates soulfriendship perfectly.

LJ idol topic 7: "My Best Friend" ((going with this one! will add voting link thursday))

(from this meme -- if you want, feel free to go there and ask me 2 questions)

12. (from notashamed) If you could have any kind of super power, what would it be and why? This can be anything, not just the typical super powers (flying, etc)

dayum, I dunno! I think it would probably be to see the spirit world with my physical eyes. Then I could see wounds in people's spirits and know better how to help them, and I could see my prayers in action, and I would SEE the effects of my actions and be better able to avoid hurting people, and be more confident in the things that I found to be helpful. I imagine it would be scary a lot of times though...

13. (from notashamed) If you could only read one book for the rest of your life, which would it be and why?

heh, I'd have to say the Bible. If I could only read one thing, I would want it to be something I could learn from no matter how many times I read it, and I have found the Bible to be that way (I've read it cover-to-cover three times, and read certain books (within it) many times). I don't believe the Bible to be infallible -- because for one thing, NOWHERE does the Bible say that! It simply says that it's all good for learning from. And that means learning the WHY behind things, not just the WHAT. For instance, when Paul in the NT says for women to cover their heads in church, that was never intended to be a permanent thing -- it was a concession to the times. It's seen as negative now, but it was progressive for the times because before then, women weren't even allowed in the temple. So yeah, learn from the WHY, not the WHAT. Plus, it's very long, lots to read. ;-)

14. (from daghdha) What personal needs do you feel you fulfill by showing nude photographs of yourself to others? Would those needs be fulfilled if no one but you saw those photographs? Why or why not?

Hm. I suppose the need to be honest. It's a big part of my life and something I deeply believe in (nudity as purity and beauty as uniqueness), so if I were to keep it secret, that would be dishonest in my opinion. Being honest and open with all people is something very important to me. If someone shows interest (and I believe that they either believe or are open to a belief of nudity as purity & beauty as uniqueness) then I will share. Like Angelina said, "I would like to be open with the public. I would like to not keep secrets or be careful when I talk. I don't want to have to plan things. I want to be outspoken. I want to say my opinions and I hope they're taken in the right way. I don't want to stop being free. And I won't."

15. (from daghdha) Do you consider sexuality to be something that one is born with or something that can evolve over time depending on how willing the individual is to explore his or her identity as a sexual being?

heh, future post, thoughts on that are still being developed in my head. Daunting topic, since I have a pretty unusual way of seeing that.

16. (from legein) What's your bedtime routine?

take out contacts, wash face, brush teeth, take off socks and shoes (since I'm pretty much always naked at home), and climb in bed!

17. (from legein) If you could eliminate two physical objects from existence, what would they be?

a certain book which I will not name because I do not care to talk about it (please respect that), and projectile weapons. I don't say all weapons because there are sometimes reasons for physically harming someone, but I think if you are going to do that, you need to look your victim in the eye, get their blood on you, be stained with their fear, feel the harm you have done, know the reality of it. I think the worst thing projectile weapons have done is made death and violence easy, impersonal, irresponsible.

desperation
(I didn't take that photo, found it on google and edited it)

Wildfires have been burning in Georgia for 6+ weeks now, burning 600,000 acres. :-( Even though it's happening pretty far from here, a few days ago I could see and smell the smoke. It makes me want to cry, thinking of the wounding of the land -- I love this state like a person, and it hurts that she's in trouble. (and I can't bear to even think of the trees) Today I felt moisture in the air for the first time in a LONG time (and I didn't sweat buckets like I have been) -- it felt so good, and I was certain it was going to rain but it didn't. I wanted to dance naked outside! I feel so frustrated that I have no place to do that. and I wish I had a tribe to do a rain dance with. Maybe I should call up Rebecca and get her to sing 'Flood' -- that always used to work. But she's in NM now, don't want them to get the rain. And according to weather.com, we're not actually due rain for another week. It doesn't help that we are in extreme drought... "Extreme drought conditions are defined as those expected once in 50 years, based on many indicators." I want to help, and can't. :-(

I've been more connected to the earth lately (lousy timing!) -- I started going outside once a day to lay on the (drying up :-() moss next to our door. I've ignored it in the past because it's not really a 'yard,' just a teeny bit of ground before the parking lot, but after trying it the first time and feeling so amazingly refreshed and revitalized, I realize that earth is earth, even if it is surrounded by concrete. And staring up at the sky and branches of the few trees around, I feel so... full. I wish I could give back.

first, isn't my icon just completely utterly beyond adorable? :D :D :D

Thursday we did a nude photoshoot! I dragged several of the lamps into the bedroom and set up my tripod and made my first attempt at artistic nudes of someone else! Very exciting. I wish I had used a different backdrop, because after looking at them full-screen, I realize that that one is just wayyyyy too busy. But I still got some shots that I think are incredible. I really want to get actual lighting equipment and a studio... I'm so glad she agreed to model for me! :D Thanks Kat! ♥

( one implied nude, probably work safe )

After the shoot I went out to get my hair cut. I was all excited because I just KNEW that the cut I had in mind was going to look absolutely fantastic on me. So I went in, waited around for the lady I wanted, and then when she finally came up, I showed her what I wanted (found a pic in a book) and she palmed me off on the lady who had given me a completely shitty haircut last time. But I thought, hey, maybe I just didn't explain it well last time, and how can she go wrong with a photo of what I want right in front of her? >:-( She lopped ALL MY HAIR OFF, about 3-4 inches shorter than the photo, and brought the cowlick of doom back to life! I was so furious I couldn't speak, could hardly think. Which is why I didn't think to refuse to pay, which is what I should have done. At least I didn't tip her. I seriously think she hated me (because I made her re-cut it last time, and then made it clear that I did NOT want her this time) and gave me a bad cut on purpose. Evil, evil lady. ( a photo of the cut )

But except for the horridly stubborn cowlick (which I have to pin down because no mere glopping of gel will work), I've decided to like the cut now. The bangs at least are okay, and I like my dykey look, heh. I forgive you, evil haircutting lady. Go and commit hair-sins no more.

That night we went to the coffeehouse -- sadly there were people on my green couch (both times we went!) and so we sat in the front. I totally forget what we talked about, but I remember it was very interesting! ( coffeehouse photos )

Then Saturday we went to the Renaissance festival!!! yay! I loooooove going, I love the magical feel of it all and especially the beautiful glass exhibits ♥ I found a Ma'at figurine that was of much higher quality than any I have found, so I just had to have it for my sanctuary. I loved that stall and wish I had taken photos of the amazing goddess statues and mermaids and Egyptian figurines, all wonderful. ( Ma'at figurine photos )

We watched an acrobatic show, which was fantastic -- and I looooved watching the woman especially, she was so amazingly fit and curvy! They were quite funny and seemed to be having a blast.( RenFest acrobats! )

and I had to take a million glass photos...
( art glass is magic )

and had to also take photos of beautiful Kat! in the lovely little alleyway we found. ( pics of Kat! and Ben taking photos of Kat, and us with our faces in the painted board )


and then I found the MOST AMAZING SKIRT EVER and Ben saw the look on my face and declared that we had to buy it. :D I changed into it before the receipt even printed! I love it so so so so so so so so soooooooooooooooooooo MUCH OMG LOVE!!!!!

( pics of Kat and me in my AMAZING SKIRT!!! )

Kat gave me an AMAZING purse which is totally perfect for carrying my camera about in! It is EXACTLY the right size, EXACTLY the right shade, and it is even padded for extra protection! camera, cell, keys, and cards all fit nicely. I've never been so excited about a purse! it couldn't be more perfect if I designed it. The strap is even the perfect length! Unfortunately it doesn't photograph correctly -- it comes out as blue when it is quite violet.

And to wrap up the day, we went to my favorite mexican restaurant because after all, it was Cinco de Mayo! (as if I need an excuse to go there) Sadly, the waiter (a really great guy who often serves us) was quite set on doing his job and stopped us sharing the margarita because Kat didn't have her ID, but we snuck her half of it anyway. ( photos from therrrrrreeee )

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

Last week my mom convinced my dad to drive down and give me the Jeep that they bought 'for me' five years ago. I'm still kinda in shock -- this is the first time in my life that my parents have come through for me in a time of need. Part of me is still waiting for them to somehow take it back... mostly I'm bewildered. I want to feel grateful, and I am grateful that my mom spoke for me and that my dad went to all the trouble to bring it down, but I'm not actually grateful for the vehicle. Maybe because they said it was mine five years ago and it didn't become fact until now? Maybe because they've never given me anything without strings attached and I am waiting to find the strings? I'm embarrassed of my apparent lack of thankfulness, but that's the way it is.

BUT I am very glad to have Arroskotos back in my life. ♥ Ze is a wonderful vehicle, and was a comfort to me during one of the hardest parts of my life. 'Arroskotos' means 'Bright Shadow,' and I named hir that because ze was an unfulfilled promise -- I had the (always chaperoned) joy of driving hir, but at the same time, the knowledge that ze wasn't truly mine. And now ze is! it's very hard for me to accept.

My dad spent the entire day with me. ( surreal )

I've gotten as shutter-happy as Hannah, practically. Nowadays when I'm going someplace, my first thought is, "hmm, what could I take photos of there?" *giggles* Which is why I need a smaller, hardier camera than Spyder, something I can slip in a very small bag with wallet and keys. (I don't actually use a purse, because I wouldn't be comfortable sticking Spyder in there anyway, and I don't need one for wallet and keys) On to the photos!



( photos of Arroskotos, Sylvia, and mr. stray cat )

tomorrow I go hang out with Kazi, Brian, and John, and
in FIVE FREAKING DAYS I get to meet kmiotutsie for the first time!!!

I don't do 'resolutions.' That's just a fancy word for 'rules' and I'm not into imposing rules on myself. I think the reason so many 'resolutions' fail is that it is human nature to hate being boxed in with rules, self-imposed or not.

but goals? hell yeah I have goals. Things I want to do this year:

• become more of my true self
  
• learn more love and compassion
  
• grow closer to God/dess ♥
  
• learn to listen to my spirit and FOLLOW MY INSTINCTS!!!
  
• further develop my soulfriendships with Nimajneb and Hannah
  
• be more active in changing the world: leave 'you are beautiful' notes, smile more at people, strike up conversation with more strangers, flaunt my body hair, wear curvy-pride shirts and figure-hugging outfits.
  
• create more; making jewelry, painting, drawing, modeling, photographing (! and add a deliberate 'flaw' to remind me that 'flaws' are beautiful!)
  
• post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, without worrying that I am going to flood my friends page and my favorite post of the bunch will be ignored. I know that isn't true, and if it is, it's not a good enough reason.
  
• spend more time and effort communicating with my lovely friends; commenting back, commenting on their posts, IMing, and calling. Not any ritual amount, but following instincts instead of being so O-C about doing it 'in order.'
  
• go to Glasgow and meet clown_frog and maybe kashlamar! and of course spend a lot of delighted time with my beautiful soulfriend shioneh!!!
  
• have shioneh and die_fiend come down, hopefully during RenFest season!!! and hopefully have my firekat (kmiotutsie) come down too! *dreams* This must happen. *is firm with the universe, shakes finger for emphasis*
  
• spend more time with sabr and malignlibra
  
• meet more of my lj friends! there are a ton I want to meet, we'll see who I actually manage to make plans with. ;-) at the very least, I must meet kmiotutsie and sunshinepill.
  
• find at least a handful of new amazing people to mutually adore. (and hopefully some who are Aquarius!)
  
• set firm plans for International Women's Day next year (post to come about that!)
  
• dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.
  
• get at least one tattoo!
  
• find more of my meaningful rings.
  
• dye my hair purple, like I have ALWAYS WANTED.
  
• help my little sister get the courage to do what she needs to do.
  
• tell my parents I'm 'bisexual' and be officially disowned (after I figure out whether or not they will keep me from talking to little sis, she is more important than me getting the satisfaction of never having to talk to my dad again)
  
• go skinnydipping at least once!
  
• go to at least one concert!
  
• have at least three photoshoots.
  
• do at least three self-portrait shoots (hopefully a lot more, but I gotta get some better lighting)
  
• Self-educate: read 88 books this year; keep a running list of them, and post an update every eight books, with a SHORT summary.

  0 / 88 (0.0%)

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

I have a very selfish request. Something about phone post code breaks my friends page, and then to see beyond that post I have to (temporarily) take you off of my default f-list. I don't mind that, except that sometimes I forget, and I'm like, what the hell happened to _____, she hasn't posted in like two weeks! only to realize that you have. So, if you're feeling generous and you happen to remember, could you put phone posts under an lj-cut? I'm keeping you all either way, just thought I'd ask.

Also, sometimes I will be using artistic nude icons -- it will probably be rare, but I find them very expressive and I'm not willing to restrict myself to only using them in comments. So if you check LJ at work, then you'll either have to: risk it (they are only 100x100px and I won't be using them often), or take me off your default view and only look at my journal at home, or take me off your list altogether. I hope you'll do one of the first two, but if you feel that I am being unreasonable or you simply don't want to go to all that hassle and so you say goodbye, I won't hold any hard feelings. I will still put full-size artistic nudes under a cut with a warning, because I don't find that restrictive at all.

yes I realise the irony of the two subjects, but they apply to different people.

I had the greatest day last Tuesday. First, Ben and I went to meet Bruce Garlick to discuss a future shoot -- at a coffeeshop. And Bruce insisted on treating us (well, me -- Ben didn't want anything), so right away I liked him a lot. We talked for a while about his photographic style and what I would want from a shoot -- he's very different from the others I have worked with. He shoots as if taking stills from a film: sets up the scene, gives a character, a story, and then just takes photos as the 'scene' develops. I am so excited about working with him! I have to share some of his work to explain:

( not work safe! nudity )

He also wants to help me in my current theme-project: Body Love. I have been developing ideas in my head, but if anyone has suggestions, feel free to give them to me. I think I am going to do a lot of imitation-classic-paintings, posing like Renoir's, Zorn's, Ruben's models... I need to get more specific ideas though, so if you have ANY ideas on glorifying voluptuousness, celebrating curves, tell me.

After that, I got an urge to stop by the thriftstore, and surprisingly enough Ben was positive about the idea -- he was reading the Fair Tax book by Boortz, so he had entertainment. I went in and found !!! a magazine with a DOVE GIRLS SPREAD and another magazine with THREE of the nike body-positive ads!!! Then I remembered that I had prayed to find a Dove Girls ad (in something other than the Weight Watchers mag, because ugh) -- yay God remembered even though I forgot! aaaaaaaaand, I GOT MY ADS without contributing to the EVIL self-esteem-poison industry!!!! hahahahahaha, they got NO MONIES from me. I am seriously SO pleased about that. ;-D Of course I don't like the mixed message of the Dove ads, but really, I am so delighted to see various body types that I don't care. And I had only seen small, low-res images of the women before -- in the actual ad, I could see that they really DO have very varied body types! Top-heavy, bottom-heavy, slender all over, curvy all over -- so awesome to see! And I am in love with the black woman's belly. just wow. I need a scanner so that I can show the photos to all of you and curvygirls.

And then this guy walked up to me and just struck up a conversation -- quite an interesting guy. We ended up sitting on the floor and talking for about two hours about the interconnectedness of all things, politics, vegetarianism, music, humanity, the future of our world culture -- it was SO amazing. I could tell that he was a little too interested in stamping my mind with his ideas, but since I am now confident enough to handle that, I was able to gain some wisdom from him without feeling squelched. And he was very intelligent -- rarely do I meet a person that makes me feel that he is more intelligent than I. I know part of it was a conscious effort to appear intelligent (I know that shell, I used to wear it!), but he really was brilliant. And like all brilliant people, very intense. I felt sharpened by the experience.

And I was flattered when he asked if my clothing was a reculturization. ;-) I was wearing a headscarf, coin earrings, my black "conform and be dull" top, a long black skirt -- and mismatching socks with tennis shoes. I told him no, I just wear whatever I like -- but I do have a strong connection with gypsy culture. That sparked a thread of conversation on culture, my favorite topic.

I love love LOVE that that happened. I feel like that is what my life is supposed to be like -- me going out and making true connections with the aware people of the world. I am so thrilled that I am secure enough to have a real conversation with a stranger -- and a GUY -- who is MORE intelligent than I! We exchanged email addys. I don't know if I'll contact him or not, but I am pleased that I have the choice.

comments enabled, feel free! I'm feeling much more relaxed about that now.

( the question )

The response:
I have indeed thought about all of that. To me, it boils down to this: if I thought it was wrong, I should obviously keep it to myself. And if I really think it is right and beautiful, then why would I hide it? I know that I am not responsible for anyone's choices except mine, and if a man sees a nude photo of me he has a choice -- to lust or to see the beauty of the human body. And I am not responsible for which choice he makes. Some will argue that a man 'can't help' but lust when he sees a photo of a nude woman, but that's a lie. There is always a choice. The Bible says that there is always a way out of temptation.

There is a lie that is very prevalant nowadays -- the lie that men can't control their sexual impulses. Some use this as an excuse for porn and some even take it as far as to use it as an excuse for rape. A man is in charge of his reactions, and if he is weak then he is responsible for not allowing himself the temptation. That is one of the reasons that there is a warning when opening my photography page -- it allows men who know they are weak in the area of lust to stay away from temptation.

I believe my art is pure and beautiful and godly, and I refuse to hide it merely because it could possibly be misused.

My eviltwin spent the night after the hair-cutting ceremony, and the next day we got up late and sat around in the living room talking. She brought up the subject of my nude modeling in her blunt way, "So why did you decide to do that?" waving her hand at my photo album. Thanks to an LJ friend questioning me a few days ago, I actually had my thoughts organized and was able to explain my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I told her that I posed the first time because I was curious; I wanted to see what it was like. After that experience, I continued because it changed me, helped me to see my own beauty and recognize that how God made me was art in itself. She was surprised to hear that I had always thought of myself as unattractive and plain.

She amazed me with her openmindedness. She listened and considered what I had to say and didn't contradict me or try to change my opinion once! I did not expect that at all. After I had explained, she said that she had been praying about it and she felt like God said there was something about it she was missing, something that she didn't understand, so she asked me for the answer. She said that she felt that there were some people who would not be able to grasp the meaning and the art behind it, such as her parents, but she understood. I really think she did.

I expected to have to defend myself, and instead I received understanding. I am so impressed with how Kristen has matured and is thinking for herself more, even when it comes to disagreeing with what her parents might think! She's amazing. I don't know if I'd have been able to stretch that rapidly if I were in her shoes. I'm so glad that we're rekindling our friendship now and not a year ago -- only now are we really ready for each other. I'm so excited to watch her grow and mature and I am eager for the future of our friendship.