These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

I miss:

-- the girl who glowed with such a sweetness that she made my fierceness feel like it had a purpose, protecting her.

-- the girl who listened to my every hurt and loved me unconditionally. Who hugged me even though she hated touching or being touched, because she knew I needed it. Who shared sacred parts of herself, and taught me so much in the process. Who taught me that God/dess is not a bundle of rules, but a person, a being made of love.

-- the girl who inspired me with her intensity, who celebrated her strangeness. Who filled my life with light just by being herself. Who intimidated me with her brilliance, and coaxed me out of my fear of self-expression by finding the brilliance in me. Who shared my excitement over my creations, no matter how undeveloped or unskilled. (night before last I dreamed that she came to me and said she wanted to be friends again ♥)

-- the family who taught me what family is, who accepted and loved me for who I was, right at that moment. Who encouraged me in selling my jewelry, believing in me and even offering help. Who understood that I had been taught lies and lovingly guided me out of my subconscious prejudice, without judging me.

-- the girl who showed me that I was not alone in the way I sense trees, who unintentionally validated something so important to me.

-- the group who let me see a created family, dissimilar people who banded together to create their own culture, rooted in love. Who accepted me as I am, and didn't make me feel like an outsider despite the lack of history I had with them (quite a feat!).

-- the girl who made me feel connected, loved in a way I had never been.

...Missing You by Jem...
I'll always be thankful for the time we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories just make me fall apart

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

A few weeks ago I rearranged our bedroom, turning it from a place I hated to a place I love! Ben is much happier too -- now it feels like we have two rooms instead of only the living room. I created a photo-tour of my bedroom, because a video would require clothing due to the mirrors. And this is easier!

( photo-tour of my bedroom )

And now I shriek with joy because OMG PRESENTS!!!! From Kate (clown_frog) and Firekat (kmiotutsie)!!! Kate sent me a glitter bar (YAY!!!! glitter-wearing is so magical ♥), giant purple bath-fizzy ball, HENNA kit (can't wait to try it!), a bunch of stick-on wooden ladybugs (ladybugs always remind me of my childhood, I remember seeing a family of them in the bark of a tree and being absolutely delighted), cinnamon votives (that REALLY SMELL LIKE CINNAMON OMG, and strong too!!! I am going to use them in my sanctuary ♥ ♥ ♥), and best of all, a clear violet glass perfume vial. It is so incredibly delicate and wonder-of-all-wonders, made it here perfectly intact! All the way from Scotland! And that is magic from God/dess if I have ever seen it.

( the delicate violet-tinted vial! )

And from Firekat!!! A Mercedes Lackey book (a staple of fantasy reading, whom I've never tried!), Inga Muscio's Cunt (borrowed and read most of it, now yay I can finish it! plus who wouldn't want Cunt on her shelf?), a GORGEOUS mini-journal with handmade paper and a vivid-violet & burgandy cover, three lovely deep purple agate slices, and... a violet and emerald translucent glass gazing ball!!! also completely undamaged! I am soooooo loved!!! Firekat said she prayed that it would get here safely, and it's perfect. ♥ I'm awed!

( the violet & emerald glass ball! )

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

I don't remember the order these were in...

I was in a strange steel & glass building, and I was naked (which is normal for me so might not have the usual connotation). I was upset about something, staring outside into the dark (it was night). Ashley saw me, came up behind me and grabbed me, one hand on my side and the other on my breast, and started rubbing and squeezing me. I was freaked out and yelped, "what are you doing? Stop that!" but she said, "No, you need comfort so I am going to do this" and I said, "That doesn't help, stop!" but she would not listen -- she seemed angry and held on to me despite my frantic tries to get away. She said something like, "Since this is the way you want it, this is the way you're going to get it." Finally we were locked at a standstill where she couldn't rub me but I couldn't get away, and Mike (Ashley's boyfriend (I think)) came up to us. He reached out and ran his hand over my hair, and we were both shocked, Ashley let go and stepped back, and I just looked at him, completely astonished by his compassion and tenderness. Then he ran his hand over my hair again and I grabbed the front of his shirt with my hands and buried my face in his chest and cried so hard I woke myself up.

another scene... I was in the woods with some girl, slim but not resembling anyone I know, and we were in danger, we were escaping something. She fell into a hole and landed on a ledge not too far below the forest floor, but next to her the hole got hundreds of miles deep. So I tried to carefully get myself to where I could reach her without falling in or having us both fall. When I finally grabbed her hand I realized she had been in quicksand and it had sucked half of her down, and she hadn't said anything, maybe because she thought it would unnerve me and make me fall. But I was able to pull her out, and pull us both back up to the forest floor.

In the last one I was with Ben's family & we were all outside around a campfire at night, far away from civilization. Dana was there also, but other than that it was just the family... as I watched them interact and set up, I thought to myself that they would never be good nomads because they wouldn't be able to fit more than 2 to 3 hours of travel in per day, with the way that they linger. (there were wagons and horses, I think this was supposedly back in time) I don't really know what that meant. I ended up having conversation with Rebecca and Dana, and Dana showed Rebecca some of her tools (she was a fortuneteller of some sort). I expected Rebecca to react with shock and horror but she reacted with interest, poring through them and playing with them. One was a tube of some kind of magical tea or something, and I poured it into hot water and drank it, tiny bits at a time. The rest of the dream is fuzzy, but I remember preparing tea for a lot of people, using normal-sized mugs to teeny mugs, and being so disappointed that no one bothered with the teeny mugs, they wanted the large ones instead.

(I'll probably keep screening comments on all posts that mention ashley or lily until the matter is resolved.)

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

at least the phone works! I do sincerely thank God for that; Ben and I are both so stressed, him mostly for logical reasons and me mostly for emotional reasons.

Thank you, loves, thank you SO MUCH, those responded to that last post and thank you to those who didn't respond but managed to wade through the whole loooooong thing. I desperately needed that encouragement and just love.

I did have a talk with Rebecca on Saturday but it didn't go as I had hoped. She basically said that she wanted to be friends again, but had no idea how much she was willing/able to offer as far as time and emotional investment. She is of the opinion that relationships should just 'happen' which is something I strongly disagree with as I believe in living in continual, conscious awareness of choice. I don't think that everything needs to be laid out beforehand but I do think that two people should enter a relationship with very similar goals or it won't work. For instance, if one wants a deep, close friendship and the other wants a fun acquaintance, both are going to be disappointed. But back to the point -- she didn't know what she wanted, but she knew she couldn't make any sort of committment or goal right now. She said she wouldn't start an LJ and probably wouldn't email, but might write, miiiiiiiight call. (all of which reminded me of the last time we tried a long-distance relationship) So I ended up telling her that I was just going to let her make the next move, hugged her, and left. It was somewhat painful, because I had strange hopes that I remember living with when we were friends. Wondering if she cared as much as I did, if she thought about me like I thought about her, if she even really desired to be my friend or just went along with the flow of things. In the end, I do not understand what draws me to her, because I don't even know her. (that bothers me so much) I do know that I am not willing to ever again invest in a relationship unless I know that the other person is offering me the same thing I'm offering them. There are too many amazing people in this world, too many people who will be delighted to receive my energy and will give it back joyfully and equally.

She has such an incredible spirit that it blinds me completely to everything else about her -- such as her actual thoughts and motives and passions and philosophies on life. She's really the only person whom I simply cannot understand. Maybe that's why I am so drawn to her -- curiosity. I think it's deeper than that though. If I could show her spirit to you you would be awed, even the most cynical one reading this. And I was so hopeful on Friday because she seemed so much more open than she ever has been -- she didn't seem that way on Saturday though. I just wish I could know what she's like, and how much of herself she would share with me. I have no idea why my heart has flung the doors wide open for her, when I don't feel like I have extra energy for a new friendship, but it ain't listenin' to reason.

what an emotionally battering day.

My used-to-be-best-friend and sister-in-law Rebecca got married this morning. She was planning on next year, but about a month ago decided to go ahead and do it now. I didn't post about it because I shoved it firmly out of my mind -- but obviously I couldn't ignore the reality of it today. Fortunately Hannah just 'happened' to call me yesterday on my lunch, and we talked the entire hour, and I processed a little of my feelings about Rebecca getting married. I hadn't even thought about it until then -- all I knew was that it made me uncomfortable. I thank GOD we had that talk, because if we hadn't, I might well have suppressed all my feelings and eeshk, but I am sorry for the incoherence, I'll try to sum up.

( the history of Rebecca and I, simplified )

We used to daydream about how we'd grow up and buy a house out in the middle of the woods, with a clearing nearby that we could go and dance in at night, and we'd just live together and be happy hermits. I recently realized that a part of me still hoped for that -- even now, after years of separation.

I now realize why Rebecca looked so miserable in my wedding pictures. At the time I didn't get it, because we'd already been split up for years at that point, but today I felt the same way she did -- like my heart was being ripped out. In a completely platonic but very deep way, I love her, and don't want to share, don't want her to choose someone over me. I feel like we were married and separated for a long time, but I always expected us to eventually get back together and now she's divorced me to marry someone else. Even though I did it first and it's completely illogical, that is exactly how I feel. And she's moving to New Mexico this weekend. It all feels so terribly final, terribly terribly.

So I went to the wedding to escape familial strife, though I expected heartbreak. I was relieved to find that she didn't have any bridesmaids (it was a very informal outdoor wedding) because it would have just been too much to have two people chosen over me, and I had been depressed that she didn't ask me, sure that she had asked elya. It took me like two hours after the ceremony to find a moment and the courage to ask her to talk to me, but I finally did, and she and I walked away from the crowd. I can't even metaphorize my feelings then, not properly. How do you say to the love of (a chunk of) your life, "Don't leave me!" when she already has? and my mind protested the whole way that this is so stupid and selfish, but my heart and spirit and soul screamed so loudly that I didn't even hear it. So I just poured out my heart, and she listened compassionately -- my God, how could I have forgotten her ability to listen? She makes other listeners seem like they are sticking their fingers in their ears (with very few exceptions). I wanted to just ... I don't even know. Fall to my knees and beg forgiveness for not understanding? Not trying harder? ( . )

I feel such heartbreak at losing Rebecca. She was my best friend. She never ever judged me; I felt completely safe with her. I don't understand how a person can be that completely accepting/understanding... and at that point in my life, when I was judged constantly/cruelly by everyone else, that was such a gift from God. I don't even know her now; that hurts the most. How can I not know her? How is that even possible? But I don't know the first thing about the now-Rebecca, and then-Rebecca was shed a long time ago, but I am still in love with her spirit. How could I not realize that?

She listened to me stutterstumblesob and hugged me a few times and agreed that I was feeling the way she did at my wedding. She said she wanted to be friends again, that she thought that it just hadn't been the right time for us to get back together because she had been so caught up in her life and I'd been caught up in mine, but that she was willing to try now. She said she'd write a lot of letters (which my untrusting inner self crossed her arms and quirked a brow at) because she was, after all, going to a place where she knew no one but her husband. She was so calm and composed, which confused and disappointed me a little -- I didn't want to upset her, but I wanted more of an emotional reaction, I think. I asked if she was just very happy or had a wall of polite kindness up (or something to that effect) and she said she was just happy, there was no wall, and I looked into her eyes and felt such desperation at not even knowing her enough to know the difference. She said something about having never stopped loving me, and I just couldn't talk, but I wanted to scream, because I couldn't believe her and I wanted to, needed to. Finally I had to go, and I asked if there was any chance she'd have time to talk tomorrow. She said that she had to get her stuff moved, but she would try to do that in the morning, and I could come over sometime after noon and she would talk with me for as long as I wanted (my heart did a flip) as long as she got stuff done, and she could do stuff while we talked. My heart is in knots, I have a constant lump in my throat, my eyes are red, my lips are puffy, I am so nervous and scared. What if I don't like the new her? What if she isn't the unjudgemental person she used to be? And the real issue -- what if she doesn't like the new me? I feel so sure she won't, I'm terrified. What if Trevor gets mad that I'm taking up her time? What if she changes her mind about spending time with me and cancels?

Worst of all, what if it just flops and fails like all the other times we tried to renew our friendship?

the rest of the day... I had to work and they wouldn'twouldn't let me go so I could spend time with everyone else, finally did when I had 2.5 hours left to work but it left me a guiltynervous wreck crying with fury and disappointment at the lack of care; Ben went swimming with the phone so don't try to call me (hopefully it'll work when it dries); the movie we were going to go to with the whole family was sold out; and I have been unable to calm down. I'm shakey, inside and out. But for all the pain, something about crying today felt so right, like washing out a wound. . . . tomorrow's the full moon.

Ideas have bottlenecked in my brain. So much I want to say! Aish.

( I've been thinking over past friendships... )

I don't know why I wanted to write this... I felt the need to process my losses, I suppose. I think they have been heavy on my subconscious lately, which is why I have felt so terribly lonely. I feel like going out on the street with a sign that says, "be my friend?" Something, anything, I need love.

Actually, I think I know why all of this is so fresh. I'm wanting to commit my heart to another, and my heart is saying to me, "You know it's going to end in abandonment" and I struggle to believe that the joy is worth the pain. At the core, I believe that, but so much of me just cringes and says, "Please don't make me walk through the fire again." And part of me says that it is impossible to have a long-distance soulfriendship... while the other part says that I've done it twice before, it's difficult but not anywhere near impossible. I'll just have to get my hugs and such from Ben -- but that makes me want to cry because he doesn't enjoy cuddling and I don't want just sympathy cuddles, I want the kind I give, the kind that is given because you just can't help it, it's natural. Why can't I have a nearby friend? Somebody cuddly move here please. :-(

I've been thinking a lot about friendships... Allison and Rebecca and Kaylene and Ashley and Anika and Hannah and Kate and Aubrey... all running through my head. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to process... I'm feeling like giving up on some people (though I really don't think I am capable of that) -- not you who are currently part of my life, but...

Kaylene, whom I just... I don't know. She emailed me the day that Anika arrived on her visit, so I didn't really have a chance to think about it. She told me the very basic facts of her life now -- and she has obviously come so far! -- and I am happy for her, but my insecurity kicks in and says, "she doesn't want to rebuild anything, you never meant as much to her as she did to you, you were stupid to love her so much." And the other part of me says "love is never a waste, and the time you had with her is sacred and can never be taken away, and if you really want to reconnect, why the FUCK haven't you emailed her back?" And my other OTHER self, the one that makes decisions, is confused and says nothing.

Rebecca. My best friend for five years, my whole world, the one I would have suffered ANYTHING for, the one who I poured my soul into and trusted completely, the one who I thought I would be soul-bonded with forever... we never talk. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet, and I don't think she is going to. I totally understand that, since we aren't close or even friends really, but I thought that if she ever got married (which she insisted she wouldn't) I'd be her maid of honor (though even then I wondered if she'd choose elya over me). It hurts to be left out, even at this point. Especially since I asked her to be mine, purely out of honor for the friendship that we used to have (we weren't any closer 2 years ago than we are now, probably less, actually). I don't know what I want with her... I don't even know who she is now. For no good reason, I feel betrayed and hurt. And yes, it does bother me that (from what I have heard) she suggested that I stay with Ashley on Rebecca's wedding day (because for a while they planned on the same day, until Ashley moved hers). I suppose I don't really deserve to be treated any differently, but it still bothers me. I'm so disposable.

Allison is busybusybusy... I understand that she has to concentrate on organizing her life and plans for the future, but knowing that doesn't make me any less lonely... Anika is busybusybusy too, with school and husband and rebuilding self... Ashley's busy, Kate doesn't have internet, Aubrey's busy, Hannah lives an ocean away and is usually busy but made time for me this week ♥ ♥ ♥ thank you lovely ♥... There are so many wonderful people in my life but no one has time to invest in me. I take that back -- some of you DO invest in me and I love you so much for it, but I want more, I want conversations and (if physically possible) cuddles and outings. I'm so lonely.

I have been investing a LOT in Ben this week... I'd list it but then I'd feel stupid because it wouldn't look like a lot, but it WAS because it was stuff that I don't really like to do that means a lot to him. But he wants me to be excited about him, and I just can't, when he's all stressed and thus distant and scary-irritable. And I'm afraid that he's going to be all upset that I wrote that in here but I'm so tired of keeping it all to myself. Sometimes he's not perfect, dammit, and I ought to be able to admit that. He does try, and that is the important thing, but it doesn't always make me feel better. And I need more. I need understanding and sweet touches and I need him not to dump his worries on me. Share? yes; dump? no. There is a difference. And he says that one of his favorite things about me is that I don't go telling others about his mistakes, but I'm tired tired tired of that! I hate keeping secrets and it's either talk about only the strife that's my fault or don't talk about it at all and I'm tired of listing my faults and I'm tired of keeping silent about the thing that my life revolves around. And this is starting to get stream-of-consciousness and run-on so I should stop now before I write a million more words.

aaaaaiiiiiieeee! You guys are the BEST FRIENDS anyone could EVER hope to have!!!!!! Thank you all x 80million for your delightful birthday wishes, emails, and shout-outs! (I am such a sucker for shout-outs. Srsly. (and yes, I pronounce 'seriously' without any vowels))

For my birthday, I got up ridiculously late. Despite the fact that he was very tired, Ben drove me to the used book store, where I used some of my credit, and the thrift store, where I found some awesome things: a rennaisance-style metal tankard, a headscarf, a round glass bottle, a miniature white ceramic urn, and a rough square glass jar, which declared to me that it was meant to house my crystals. I took it seriously. (and I got a few more things and STILL only spent $6)

Then we went over to Ben's parents' house, where elya made me a spice cake (the only kind of cake I like), Ms. K made meatloaf (which I used to hate until I tried hers, which is yum), AND guacamole (to eat with salsa & tortilla chips)!!! There is nothing better than fresh guac, I tell ya. And Ms K bought my favorite creamer (international delight cinnamon hazelnut) and starbucks coffee -- she made a pot for while I was there and gave me the rest of the bag as part of my birthday present. I was so blessed by all the thoughtfulness. ♥

Rebecca gave me PURPLE fluffy socks with a foot-scrub-lotion (which I am very excited about, 'cause I am plotting to get Ben to use it on me -- I looooove foot massages). elya gave me cherry-pomegranate juice (mmm YUM), a birthday balloon with a very pretty DRAGONFLY on it, incense sticks (oooh, ahhh) and a lavender tape dispenser. ;-) I love presents that show that the person knows me well. And Ms K gave me money to use at the used book store ;-) and a blockbuster gift card, and of course the coffee, and cinnamon candies. They all put so much thought into it, I loved it.

Thank you shioneh, frenetik, jedibubbles, beautymess, scream_baby, invisibleglue, maladroitkat, darkpool, eternitywaiting, alariya, phrankenstyne, kmiotutsie, 12thknight, and aslan_fan for your wonderful words. ;-) You all blessed me so much. And thank you Nisha and Ashley for calling also -- Nisha, it was so great to hear you! You have such an adorable accent! You guys just blow me away. ♥

So! I have no photos of the visit (sorry to disappoint! but we did reschedule for March) for several reasons -- most importantly, we procrastinated and then Anika and I synched up cycle-wise and spent most of the last day in serious discomfort (how's that for fast synching?) -- but I'm going to try to put some of my favorite moments into words. (and Anika, you better not take the easy way out again and just link to my post! I want to read YOUR perspective)

( monday -- Anika arrives )

( tuesday -- mexican with Ashley, talk on homosexuality )

( wednesday -- Rebecca is awesome )

Thursday I had to work again, which was kinda a good thing because Anika needed some alone time. That night we watched Foxfire, which I can never see without crying -- and I just broke down. Like I mentioned, Anika's presence brought up my repressed desires for a soulfriend, and watching Foxfire just intensified that exponentially. So I cried and cried and went completely incoherent and then finally composed myself enough to express to Anika what I wanted. I told her that I don't necessarily want her to be willing to throw her life away for me, I just want to know if she has experienced that desire, that incredibly deep burning desire for TRUE friendship, the kind that says, "hmm -- my dreams, or sharing more life with my friend? eh, I can get new dreams, or pursue them later." Because no one has ever so much as admitted to having that desire. The first time I posted about it, someone on my friends list (no longer around) took me to task for desiring it, saying that soulfriends as I define them do not exist and that I should stop being so sentimental and be satisfied with lesser connections. To that, I now say with confidence: Bullshit. Just because you choose to live less intensely does not mean that my intensity is silly or wrong or crazy or a waste. I found what I was looking for -- Anika has also wanted that. I am not alone in my passion for deep connections.

Anika expressed that she had been going through so much that she didn't know much of who she was or what she wanted, so she felt like she couldn't give me what I wanted. I told her that it doesn't matter to me what she is like right now, I want to know who she is at core. She said she didn't know who that was -- but I told her that her desires, what she has yearned after in her brightest moments, is to be her core self; and she had told me that she had had the desire to be soulfriends. That's enough for me, I said -- I am willing to wait and support and love you through the transformation, because I know it will happen. I could almost see it beginning, like a shell cracking, light glowing through the cracks.

( friday -- crystal shop, dinner with the guys, chick flick with Ben )

( saturday -- agony and yumminess )

Later Ashley went home to sleep so that she could be alert enough to take Anika to the airport (she's a morning person). Ben and Anika and I stayed up all night, spending most of it talking on the couch, Ben sitting at one end and Anika and I laying lengthwise with my head on her belly. I loooooooooved talking, and I loooooooooooooooooved being so close to my soul-twin and my lover. I am such a physical touch person. That memory is so sweet; thinking on it makes me feel honey. Honey, the emotion.

At about 4am Anika got a call and went into the bedroom to talk and Ben took a nap on the couch, so I just waited around for 6am... wishing that Anika didn't have to leave. But eventually we went to Ashley's, switched into her car, and headed to the airport. Anika and I had hit that point where EVERYTHING is funny, so we giggled like crazy the whole way to the airport (including the inevitable wrong way detour). I love her laugh, but I ADORE her giggle. It's just so bubbly, so anika! We arrived at the airport and Ben and Ashley said goodbye at the car... I walked Anika to the security checkpoint, and tried for several minutes to say goodbye. It was just so HARD! We held hands all the way there, and we'd let go to hug, then hold hands and say I love you... drift into silence staring into each others' eyes, then hug again... (I am certain that the security lady thought we were lesbians. She kept peering over suspiciously, like we were going to do something crazy) Finally I told her that she had to walk away first, 'cause she was the one leaving, and after one last hug she walked away. I watched until she turned around, then waved and turned to walk away too.

This is my Christmas thank-you post. ♥ I have SO. MANY. beautiful people in my life. I am the most blessed person ever, really. I need to look at my blessings more often because DAYUM!

Oh how much I love you. If I could bottle my love it would easily replace electricity all over the world for a day. When I really think about it, I get filled with so much energy that it makes me want to SCREAM! just to let it out. I need more outlets for my love, really. You all live too damn far away for me to be able to pour into your lives. I think maybe I should start visiting the local nursing home... My family always did that at Christmas time, and I totally forgot this year. That was probably my favorite thing about my family... and the last time I did it I felt God so close. And now I am actually confident enough to believe that they really would want me to visit, which means that I could even do it without the excuse of Christmas. hmm.

I have no idea of the order that these arrived in, so I'm going to go randomly through them:
Thank you wallbrat and 12thknight for the paidaccount gifts!
Thank you darling boobiequeen for the photo that I've been wanting for over a year! It's on my wall, and you can see proof in the photos further down in this post. ;-)
aubkabob, dahling, thank you ever so for the card, it made me giggle in true Aubka fashion. ;-D
camilleyun, you are so incredibly utterly kind, I loooooved getting your PURPLE christmas card with such sweet words. Thank you thank you -- I am so glad I get to know you better.
eternitywaiting, OMFG yo, you are AMAZINK! I was worried when I got the package, because I suspected it was jewelry and I don't usually like to get jewelry as presents 'cause I am teh jewelry snob artist -- but I should have known. eeeeeeeee PURPLE eeeeeeeeeeeeee DRAGONFLY!!!!! You wonderful wonderful lovely darling! And I loved it already, but then I realized that the shards in the wings are DICHROIC GLASS. Dichroic glass is to Bel what candy is to a 3-year-old -- !!! Thank you! *many kisses*
( photos of the necklace/earrings )
valynn!!! You just stunned me with your generosity and especially with including Ben! He was feeling left out with all of my friends sending me stuff while he got no mail, and your lovely thoughtful gift card really made him happy. ThankyouX80million!!!
darkpool, wow. You made me feel SO LOVED!!!!! Everything was so perfect and so suited me! I love the bottles, they went straight into my sanctuary, along with the candle holders. And the book will DEFINITELY come in handy, yay! and the note that came along with it just made everything 10 times as meaningful. I love that you got me the bookmark because you relate me with vibrancy. ♥ You blew me away. AND THE GYPSY KEYRING!!! wow. I think you hit just about every love of mine. ♥
( a photo of darkpool's presents )
maladroitkat, do you know how many times I picked up that book and almost bought it? At least four times! I suppose it was meant to be a gift from you to me, and I love it, thank you thank you! And the second book, OMG, gypsies AND egypt AND a deep theme???? I SO can't WAIT to read it!!! thank you!!!
( a photo of m-kat's presents )