These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Friday I spent the day with SabR -- so much fun! We went shopping in downtown Athens and I looked at a lot of glass art, but the really lovely pieces were just too expensive and the decently priced stuff was nice but not in any of my colors. :-p So at the Native American store I picked up a green jasper egg (which had an amazing forest energy) and an opalite star for my altar, and a small thing for one of my Aquarian friends' birthday. ;-)

The strangest thing happened there -- Ashley just happened to come into the shop at the same time that we were there! For those of you who haven't been on my flist long, Ashley and SabR have negative history and pretty much hate each other. When Ashley called me over, I made awkward conversation with her (the tension between them was palpable) and then told her that I was there with SabR, which ended the conversation. I've never experienced that before and I would not care to experience it again! And it makes me wish humans were a little less civilized because I would much prefer open fighting to polite hatred. I'm not the sort of person who tries to break up a fight between adults (or equally matched children) because while it may not be the best way to resolve conflict, it's better than the alternative, in my mind. The police might not agree, heh.

Anyway, after that was over we went to see The Tree That Owns Itself (which is actually the scion of the original tree) and were disappointed at how young it was. (but I want to go back and see it again in the summer) The Magnolia across the street was HUGE and amazing, so we took more photos of that.

SabR took me to one of her favorite Mexican restaurants, which I liked (to my surprise, as I am very picky) and then we went back to her place and watched Prince of Egypt (which she had never seen! wtf!) and Knocked Up, which wasn't as bad as I had expected from everything people had said. ( ranting about the movie ) Oh, and Paul Rudd was BRILLIANT in that film. He's one of the handful of actors I wish I could meet.



( photos of SabR, me, trees, and Athens )

wow. I got WAY behind in my commenting lately. I finally got caught up with most of it today, except for the screened-comment posts. Those comments mean SO MUCH to me, so I really hope you don't feel ignored by me not commenting back -- there's just so much emotion there I am not sure I'll be able to. But every comment meant a lot to me ♥ thank you. You give me strength when I need it most. I'm really amazed at the amount of love and understanding you've given. *hugs kisses cuddles*

I feel like I've pushed past a block; I've actually been communicating! with responding to comments and IMing. (I still have a bunch of emails to respond too though, I don't know what it is about email but I always procrastinate!) SabR emailed me last week ♥ and then talked with me, and a few days ago I talked with Kazi for the first time in a long time. There's still a lot of distance there, but communication is open again which is really wonderful. And then today I had the serendipity to check my email at the exact moment that Meliae was on, and we chatted for a while, a strange combination of text chat and soundless video (because I couldn't find my mic). That was really sweet ♥ no one has ever been able to read me like she does! It takes me aback every time (and makes me wonder if that is how other people feel when I read them). I hate that she lives an ocean away, but I'm glad we're back in contact.

Lately I was thinking about all the LJ friends I've dreamed of:

( friends who've showed up in my dreams! )

If you've ever dreamed of me, tell me about it here! :D

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner Nimajneb, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

I miss:

-- the girl who glowed with such a sweetness that she made my fierceness feel like it had a purpose, protecting her.

-- the girl who listened to my every hurt and loved me unconditionally. Who hugged me even though she hated touching or being touched, because she knew I needed it. Who shared sacred parts of herself, and taught me so much in the process. Who taught me that God/dess is not a bundle of rules, but a person, a being made of love.

-- the girl who inspired me with her intensity, who celebrated her strangeness. Who filled my life with light just by being herself. Who intimidated me with her brilliance, and coaxed me out of my fear of self-expression by finding the brilliance in me. Who shared my excitement over my creations, no matter how undeveloped or unskilled. (night before last I dreamed that she came to me and said she wanted to be friends again ♥)

-- the family who taught me what family is, who accepted and loved me for who I was, right at that moment. Who encouraged me in selling my jewelry, believing in me and even offering help. Who understood that I had been taught lies and lovingly guided me out of my subconscious prejudice, without judging me.

-- the girl who showed me that I was not alone in the way I sense trees, who unintentionally validated something so important to me.

-- the group who let me see a created family, dissimilar people who banded together to create their own culture, rooted in love. Who accepted me as I am, and didn't make me feel like an outsider despite the lack of history I had with them (quite a feat!).

-- the girl who made me feel connected, loved in a way I had never been.

...Missing You by Jem...
I'll always be thankful for the time we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories just make me fall apart

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- Nimajneb and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited Nimajneb and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

Life has been stressssss-FUL lately. Mainly financial stuff... Ben and I were counting on him being promoted into management now, and it didn't happen. Two less-qualified people were promoted over him, a black man and a white woman, and he feels sure it was because of political reasons (race/sex quotas). (He knows the two people: their history, temperament, and qualifications) He spoke with his manager and his manager gave the impression that he agreed. Ben was pretty irritated about it... but I feel that sometimes injustice is the only way to make up for injustice. I would probably be more upset if it was ME who got left behind, because I'd feel hurt that my managers didn't make it happen for me, but as it is, I'm okay with it. I am definitely feeling the pinch of this, and it's not right -- but I feel it is necessary. This one time, those two people may have been favored, but usually, they will have to deal with a hell of a lot more oppression and discrimination than Ben (and myself, as his dependent) will. It shouldn't have happened, especially not to Ben because he was absolutely the best person for the position, but if it tips the scales a little bit more toward equality, I think it's a necessary wrong. Dunno how long my stance on that would hold if it happened over and over though, heh.

I am upset over not having money though. I have a veryvery late birthday present for 'Kenzie that has been sitting here and I haven't had the money to send it off, and then Hannah, Kate, Meliae's birthdays went by and I couldn't get anything :-( And then there is the stress of bills hanging over our heads, and the car desperately needs repair... and I need to spend time with Hannah, not want, NEED. I'm not willing to go back to Wal-Mart, and with sharing one car that we can't drive any more than absolutely necessary, getting a job elsewhere is not realistic. We're hoping that Ben gets this other position that just opened up, but he hasn't been interviewed yet so that is up in the air. He said he'd enjoy that one a lot more than the other so we're reeeeeeeeeeally hoping... otherwise we have to scrape by until April when the next management opening comes up. So please pray or send positive energy his way about that, it would make our lives so incredibly much better.

The financial stuff has the effect of leaving me housebound, which is a rather depressing thing for me, especially since I REALLY want to spend time with SabR and Kazi... but I've had positivity come into my life in the form of my friends. Last week my monitor turned very greenish (thank you Murphy), and I told Kazi about it, who told Brian, who drove allllll the way over to give me his extra monitor AND look at my car. I was so happy that he went out of his way for me like that. AND I got my birthday present from Kate!!! I will save describing it for when I have photos but lemme tell you, I am just THRILLED!!!

( ashley/lily stuff )

I've been in a constant whirl of emotion for the past few weeks... I feel a little insane, sometimes a lot insane. I feel like I am living on fast-forward, everything intense, complex, compact, exponentialized. SO. MUCH. is new! Three brand-new face-to-face friendships with people I feel a deep connection with, plus two more people who are connected to them, new places, new languages (in the sense that every person communicates differently), rapidly deepening relationships with long-distance friends, just... wow. everything! And I've been having intense flashes of insecurity, because I care so much about these new friendships and I am afraid that I will make a mistake and lose my chance, and they may not have the strength/desire to give me a second chance. And because I have never attempted to befriend an already-formed group -- it's a daunting task, so many eyes watching. I feel like if I lose one, I lose them all (which may not be completely true but I think it is partially true).

You know when you fall in love, and it's SO thrilling but so scary, and the slightest negative thing sends you spiraling into a depression thinking that all the wonderfulness was just a dream? (am I the only one that was like that? hmm...) Well that's very much like what I'm living, except it's platonic and it's more than one person! It's scary and painful, but in a growing way, and I welcome it.

ALSO. good news! my mom FINALLY moved down with my lil sis and now they live a mere hour and a half away. Which is great because my lil sis is safer and I get to see her more, but not great because they're living with Aunt Mary. I've lived with her and all I'm gonna say is I KNOW that that is like, and I am not happy that my lil sis is having to deal with that. But she's a strong spirit, and I know she can handle it, and it is much better than being around her dad.

And Sunday! Miss K, Ben's mom, had a lunch 'party' for me, with cheese-stuffed tomato-sauced pasta shells (she asked what I wanted and I said 'anything with cheese and tomato!'), and my mom and lil sis came over. I'm a little weirded out by my mom because I don't know her anymore, and I was VERY VERY WEIRDED OUT by the fact that my ten-years-younger sister is considerably taller than me! so freaking strange! I felt intimidated! I meant to get photos but forgot, next time perhaps. She showed me her drawings and I was impressed, partly because there is so much feeling to them, and partly because she is so free -- when I used to draw I wouldn't even attempt an angle if I didn't think I could get it right, and she just goes for it. (I hope she's learning as much from me as I am from her, heh) She's finally mature enough that I can see similarities between us. We have no physical similarities -- she's tall, golden-skinned, blonde, looks like her dad (we do have the same biological father, but I don't consider him my dad), and I'm short, pale, dark-haired, look most like one of my mom's sisters -- but we have the same indomitable streak, and we have a similar... warmth, is the closest word I can find. We give off a similar frequency.

I haven't been able to get in contact with Hannah lately, I'm worried :-( I hate hate hate that there is a whole fucking ocean keeping us apart -- it's so very wrong, I need to be there for her. She is constantly on my mind. ♥ I miss you I miss you I miss you... Don't ever think that anyone could take your place, don't ever think that I could forget you even for a second. You're as essential to me as water and air... and I love you from every tiny corner of my heart.

...Did I Imagine You? by Dot Allison...
Where in the world are you tonight?
I'm waiting for you // Just take my hand
I'll carry you through

On my birthday, Ben took me to the used book store and I got awesome new music, and then SabR and Kazi showed up at the house (I was sooooooo happy because Kazi wasn't feeling well and I was afraid she wasn't going to be able to come but she did!) and after they tortured my poor horny cat for a bit we went out to the mall (blech!) to try to find a snow leopard poster (because I wanted to get one as a birthday present to myself) but had no luck. So we went back home, picked up Ben, and went to O'Charlie's (I had never been). SabR and Kazi love the cheese potato soup there -- they said it was the perfect 'dog slobber' consistency, which made me glad I didn't order it! (but eventually they got me to try it and it was pretty yum) Then we headed over to Ben's parents' house for desert -- they made spice cake for me! :D after yum desert and coffee we got into SabR's car (Vince) and headed out on the 2 hour drive to her house... ending in an insane race down a windy dirt road. >:-[ I was hanging on to the 'oh shit' bar, heh. When we finally got there we checked our respective LJs (HA! I LOVE having friends who understand the appeal of LJ!) and piled into SabR's full-size bed (three adults and a dog!) We cruised youtube for a bit (while I stroked Kazi's hair) before going to sleep. Apparently I banged into the wall all night, but I felt fine!

Next morning SabR scorched me a bagel (and then made a non-burned one) and we went out to this awesome little coffeeshop that sold used books and paintings by a local artist (which were awesome and I am kicking myself for not having my camera!), then headed to her grandparents' ranch. We got stopped by an evil santa who snarled at us for not seeing the sign that he had propped on the wrong side of the road, and debated whether or not to just drive on and make him jump out of the way... but we were good and settled for tearing out when he turned the sign around to 'slow.' Then I got to meet the horses! Jiddan, Hawk, Shetan, and Scarlette. It had been years since I'd been around horses and I was just in awe -- they are such incredible animals. So powerful and so gentle. Scarlette especially -- I just wanted to sit with her for hours and pet her and meditate.

Then John (Kazi's boyfriend) arrived and we all went out for lunch at their favorite mexican restaurant, but afterward Kazi felt really sick and left with John to go home :-( So SabR and I went back to the ranch and she saddled up Hawk for me and put a bareback pad on Shetan for her (so freaking cool, I want to be good enough to be comfortable without a saddle!) and we went riding! I think the last time I had been was about 10 years ago -- holy crap, I'm old! I can say 'it's been a decade since I did such-n-such' :-o anyway, I was very very nervous and rusty, so we just walked the horses and talked... there is nothing like riding a horse. NOTHING can compare, it's so free, so wild! (yes, even walking, heh) I wish I could do it more often... hm, maybe I should look into getting lessons again.

Then SabR drove me all those miles home, and hung out at the house for a bit before making the long drive back. She's so freaking generous, doing all that driving (and she refused to let me help pay for gas, but next time I will for sure). I so loved spending so much time with her and Kazi ♥ Thanks so much for spending time with me on my birthday, girls!

I didn't take any photos on my actual birthday, but I have these from a few weeks ago when Kazi & SabR & Brad came over, so I will share them now!


Kazi & SabR ♥ Bel!

( many photos, much movement-blurriness (which I like! I only dislike unfocused blur, movement blur shows life) )

Thank you to Kate, first person to tell me happy birthday! I loved the text message, it made me feel so special. Thank you to Kimberley, for the Christmas/birthday present of chai tea and awesome book! I have already had a few cups ;-) And thank you to Hannah-love for trying to call me, sorry it didn't work but hey, I'm one of those people that honestly believes it is the thought that counts. And thank you to Brian for calling to wish me happy birthday, that made me absolutely beam. And thank you to firekat for calling in a tizzy over getting the date wrong, hee hee, and I am very happy to be able to anticipate your present! yay mail! And thank you to Kate and Hannah also, I sooooo can't wait for your packages to arrive. And thanks to Meliae and Sidhe and Kevloid and Aulii for the birthday messages!!! I grinned sooooo much reading them! *blows kisses to all of you* ((if you did something and I didn't mention it, please comment and tell me because I don't want to stay forgetting it!))

I had the most beautiful evening last Saturday. ♥ Ben and I went to have dinner with Kazi (malignlibra), SabR (sabr), Brian (zodiacbw), Brad (racedriver95), and John (no LJ!) -- Brian made (delicious) lasagna for us at his house.

I don't know if I can do justice to the feeling I had among them. I felt home, in a way I have never felt before. I loved the Wynnes with all my heart, but I was extremely insecure when I lived with them and could not fully believe in their love or acceptance, and even though they never treated me as such, technically I was their servant -- I wasn't around purely for the pleasure of my company. The Wynnes gave me my first taste of family, but I experienced a full banquet of it Saturday night. Even on walking in, I felt comfortable (in a brand new environment with people I'd only seen a few times and two new people also), and as the night went on I felt it more and more. I felt safe, connected.

I'm still reflecting on why I felt so at ease and accepted among - strangers! Perhaps it's because none of the group loves lightly, there is no wishy-washy maybeness. If they choose to trust, they do so in a deep way. I could be wrong since they're still new to me (the guys anyway), but I don't think I am.

I felt an instant connection when I met Brian -- my spirit recognized his, and I loved him immediately. ♥ My spirit said he was one of the most open people I have ever met, which made no sense to my mind because outwardly he seems very reserved and private -- but my spirit would brook no argument. (I'm still trying to figure out what that means) We didn't talk at all, that I can remember (except that I complimented his cooking and he thanked me), but I felt such a connection. Loving someone so strongly, so quickly, is kinda scary, kinda thrilling, very confusing. At one point we thought Kazi was upset and SabR darted to the room she was, I started to follow and then hesitated and said, 'should I go?' and then looked at Brian for an answer. He looked in my eyes a moment and then kinda half-smiled and jerked his head toward the room and said, "c'mon," and we went to the room (it turned out that Kazi wasn't actually upset). In that small action I felt like he had looked into my soul to see if I really cared about Kazi and wanted to comfort her, saw that I did, and chose to include me. I felt like he understood me, believed in me, and trusted me -- just like that. Later I was talking with SabR and he was listening so intently (it made me feel so valued) -- I haven't actually had the guts to talk to him about all this because I'm afraid that it's all one sided *eek* but I really want to know if he was interested because he knows Kazi and SabR love me, or because he felt the same connection. ((I sent this post to him before posting to see if he was okay with me posting it, he said he was (but I scared him a bit, *eek*)))

Later we all watched Playing By Heart -- I thought it was just going to be myself and SabR and Kazi, but the guys were all interested! I sat between SabR and Kazi on the couch, with Brad and John on the floor in front of them, and I invited Brian to sit in front of me (I knew Ben would rather stretch his eons-long legs out on the recliner). He leaned his head against my leg as we watched the movie, which made me feel completely included. I was so incredibly happy, watching my favorite movie of all time while cuddling with such a close-knit group of people that I felt truly safe with.

ALSO! My birthday is in two days! and I get to spend the night with SabR and Kazi and then meet SabR's magical horse, Scarlette!

ugh. Yesterday I had a looooooooooooooong talk with SabR and Kazi. First we discussed the recent 'drama': ( cut for irrelevance ) and then we moved on to sacred topics, talking of spiritual things, and after much reassurance, much encouragement, I opened up about something I'd never told anyone (except Hannah) before. It broke something loose in me, and I've been dealing with a FLOOD of emotion since, mostly depression and pain. I don't understand it, haven't found the root of it, but OH my heart aches. If I start thinking about it I weep. What I don't get is that when I talked to Hannah about it I didn't have this reaction, maybe because my heart wasn't ready to really open the door yet? Whatever it is, it's made me WAY FUCKING DEPRESSED all morning, and I finally sent Kazi and SabR an email about it because they had seen I was hurt afterwards and were worried that it was their fault. I sobbed through the whole email and had to keep blinking hard in order to see the screen, but I think it helped. Then SabR IMed me and was so understanding, and I feel much stronger now. Still very fragile though. It's going to take more processing before I can share it here, but I definitely plan to.

And my girls TOTALLY lifted my spirits by adding pro-belenen to their interests lists!!! LOL!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! and I totally have it because I'm very pro-me, muahahaha!

prepare yourself for possible flooding as I attempt to be less control-freakish about spacing out my posts, and I'm feelin' verbose, oh yeah.

I spent Thursday with sabr; such a fantastic day! We went to my favorite little trinket-store, where I didn't find anything for Hannah's birthday (*pout*) but I DID find two awesome little flip-top pewter urns to add to my collection of weird little treasures. I felt a little funny some of the time, because I tend to be singleminded when shopping and I was worried that I was making sabr feel ignored, but we talked here and there about random things, and overall I was surprisingly comfortable. See, I've met her once before, but that was with other people around, so this was the first time I'd spent one-on-one time with her and I was very nervous beforehand.

Then we went to the mall and wandered around a while, looking for a store that sold all kinds of figurines, especially fantasy creatures -- but the owners had retired and closed the store, very disappointing. We walked around arm in arm for a while -- I'm a hand-holding person and she's not, so she suggested arm-in-arm. I had expected it to be stiff and uncomfortable because the only person I've ever walked arm-in-arm with is almost a foot taller than me (heh), heh, but it was actually very comfortable and cozy. ♥ (I'm such a cuddle person; touch means a lot to me. I'm longing to go to a cuddle party (fuckin' lucky Londoners and Alabamans!) I tell you what, if I can come visit Hannah and Kate by the 11th, we are SO going to that party on the 11th. *dreams*)

anyway, we next went to the famous green couch, and I was shocked and appalled that she didn't know what I meant when I referred to it! :-O But then she remembered. ;-) We had an incredible, almost-4-hour-long conversation (that couch is magic, I tell ya) about all kinds of things, mainly old relationships and our metamorphoses from the selves we used to be to the selves we are now. I feel so much more comfortable with her now: after the breakup with Ashley I had felt very strange and alienated from sabr, since she's also friends with Ashley, but after quite a few IM conversations and emails, I had begun feeling more confident in our relationship. That conversation at the coffeehouse just made everything slip into place. I'll admit it still weirds me out when I think about it, but I think it is quite possible for me to build my relationship with sabr in spite of it, and that's a lovely thing.

I don't do 'resolutions.' That's just a fancy word for 'rules' and I'm not into imposing rules on myself. I think the reason so many 'resolutions' fail is that it is human nature to hate being boxed in with rules, self-imposed or not.

but goals? hell yeah I have goals. Things I want to do this year:

• become more of my true self
  
• learn more love and compassion
  
• grow closer to God/dess ♥
  
• learn to listen to my spirit and FOLLOW MY INSTINCTS!!!
  
• further develop my soulfriendships with Nimajneb and Hannah
  
• be more active in changing the world: leave 'you are beautiful' notes, smile more at people, strike up conversation with more strangers, flaunt my body hair, wear curvy-pride shirts and figure-hugging outfits.
  
• create more; making jewelry, painting, drawing, modeling, photographing (! and add a deliberate 'flaw' to remind me that 'flaws' are beautiful!)
  
• post WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, without worrying that I am going to flood my friends page and my favorite post of the bunch will be ignored. I know that isn't true, and if it is, it's not a good enough reason.
  
• spend more time and effort communicating with my lovely friends; commenting back, commenting on their posts, IMing, and calling. Not any ritual amount, but following instincts instead of being so O-C about doing it 'in order.'
  
• go to Glasgow and meet clown_frog and maybe kashlamar! and of course spend a lot of delighted time with my beautiful soulfriend shioneh!!!
  
• have shioneh and die_fiend come down, hopefully during RenFest season!!! and hopefully have my firekat (kmiotutsie) come down too! *dreams* This must happen. *is firm with the universe, shakes finger for emphasis*
  
• spend more time with sabr and malignlibra
  
• meet more of my lj friends! there are a ton I want to meet, we'll see who I actually manage to make plans with. ;-) at the very least, I must meet kmiotutsie and sunshinepill.
  
• find at least a handful of new amazing people to mutually adore. (and hopefully some who are Aquarius!)
  
• set firm plans for International Women's Day next year (post to come about that!)
  
• dance more, maybe start taking bellydancing classes again.
  
• get at least one tattoo!
  
• find more of my meaningful rings.
  
• dye my hair purple, like I have ALWAYS WANTED.
  
• help my little sister get the courage to do what she needs to do.
  
• tell my parents I'm 'bisexual' and be officially disowned (after I figure out whether or not they will keep me from talking to little sis, she is more important than me getting the satisfaction of never having to talk to my dad again)
  
• go skinnydipping at least once!
  
• go to at least one concert!
  
• have at least three photoshoots.
  
• do at least three self-portrait shoots (hopefully a lot more, but I gotta get some better lighting)
  
• Self-educate: read 88 books this year; keep a running list of them, and post an update every eight books, with a SHORT summary.

  0 / 88 (0.0%)

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing