( I have this 'crowd blindness' ) so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

in response to dragonwine's long-ago asked question: "What is your personal view on gender in a sociological sense? Do you think gender, like sexuality, is fluid or not?"

I don't think it's fluid because I don't believe it exists. I think the physical sex characteristics of a body are irrelevant to the qualities, behaviors, attractions, etc., of the person living inside it.

I don't believe there is a such thing as a masculine or feminine quality (except as pertains to the body itself). Strong, weak, stoic, emotional, callous, sensitive, aggressive, submissive, repressed, expressive -- all of these are HUMAN qualities. And I find it extremely offensive when someone stereotypes them as masculine or feminine. The most commonly stereotyped quality, in my opinion, is compassion. (sometimes called 'sensitivity' or 'being pussy') The ability to feel someone else's feelings and understand their experience through that. It is stereotyped as a 'feminine' quality to the point where a person who is supposedly very wise and enlightened said that "the female is the source of genuine human compassion." I find that so. fucking. sickening! So men can't have compassion? what are they, monsters who care about no one else, doomed to selfishness forever because they made the mistake of being born into a male body? Or perhaps they are beggars, who can only come about compassion by being given it by a female. And what does this say about being female? that we are to be the source of all humans, while men give nothing? ARGH. Showing emotion is a part of compassion. Crying is often an expression of compassion for yourself or someone else, and this behavior is stereotyped as feminine. I could go on and on about every one of the qualities that is commonly stereotyped as being somehow related to genitalia. And then again, about behaviors/dress. With the exception of bras, there is no real reason for any difference in clothing due to sex. And then again, about attractions. Hello, it is not genitals that are attracted to genitals, it is a person who is attracted to a person.

This is why I am bisexual/queer. People generally come in two sexes, with the rare variation, and I am attracted to the spirit within a person. I find female, male, intersexed, and transsexual people equally attractive in the same way that I find slim and thick people equally attractive. Beauty is variety.

ETA: for a more structured explanation, read the userinfo of abolishgender. I agree with it completely.

ETA #2: in this post, by 'gender' I mean social/cultural categories, (stereotyped qualities, behaviors, dress, attractions), not physical sex characteristics (genitals, reproductive organs, hormones).

I'm polyamorous. For me, this means that I am open to multiple committed relationships, and I am open to sexual experiences (with my partners and with others) for the sake of the growth and connection that they offer.

Updated from my first post on polyamory: I believe healthy sex is a human-to-human experience of emotional and spiritual intimacy, a temporary blending into one being. I believe that every time you have sex with someone, there is a spiritual exchange -- you get a tiny piece of their spirit, and they get a tiny part of yours. The more you have sex with them, the more you exchange, and it builds the bonds between you.

For me to have sex with a person, I need the following:

mutual love & respect

I believe sex is a sacred act and needs the presence of love so that both partners are treated with full respect and honor. I see love and respect as inextricably connected. Respect recognizes oneself and the other person as having infinite worth, neither having more or less -- and I think when you see people that way you cannot help but love them.

mutual connection

This isn't easily definable, but roughly explained it is a sense that you are part of one another, bonded in some ethereal way. Both I and the other person would have to feel/recognise/believe in this.

similar view of sex

Both seeing sex as not only as a physical thing but also an instrument to increase growth and connection. And seeing sex as a co-creating project where both parties give and receive, both are active. Seeing sex as something that is not done TO someone, it is done WITH someone. I also don't think I could have sex with someone who wanted to include pain, restraints, objectifying, or any sort of command, as I don't find those things respectful. (I like wrestling/passionate pursuit -- just not anything that imitates force or coercion)

honesty & openness

honesty: telling the truth, refraining from lying or deceiving. and openness: sharing truth freely, without prompting.

the agreement of my partner(s)

( fairly self-explanatory but I explain anyway )

I used to see sex as something that needed the frame of a partnership, because I felt that sex was such an intense vulnerability that it needed the safety of mutual history, mutual goals, shared life that is not easily untangled. But now, I see sex as an opportunity for so much growth in love that it is worth the risk of being broken. And I feel like I have survived having my heart broken so many times that I can survive it again, and like all the times before, the brokenness will not be more than the joy and growth. If a broken heart is the payment for experiences of love-joy-connection, I am willing to pay.

So, sex is never casual to me, but I no longer feel that I need a lifelong commitment to explore it with someone. I see sex as the most spiritual act we can perform with our bodies -- I see it like prayer. It's magic -- it has the power to transform. And like prayer, sex that is done hastily without much thought does not have much creative power. But sex done with loving, conscious choice is possibly the most powerful thing in this realm of existence.

Thank you for contacting us about this matter. We became aware of an issue which involved the most popular interests list over this past weekend. The list has been restored to the proper format today.

We apologize, and this will not happen again. It was never the intention to insult anyone or to make a judgment on the content of these interests.

Marta
LiveJournal.com

hurray! :D thanks so much to everyone who sent them a note. I checked it and it's true. ;-) Still waiting for explanation, but a response is good.

SUP has censored several interests including BISEXUALITY and faeries from their list of most popular interests. Stewardess writes:

"Using the wayback machine, I was able to compare Livejournal popular interests from May, 2007, with those of today. In order of size, these are the interests 6A/SUP has disappeared from the daily popular interests report:

Sex, Boys, Girls, Fanfiction, Yaoi, Hardcore, Porn, Bondage, Faeries, Pain, Depression, and Bisexuality.

I confirmed the interest faeries leads to GLBT links, along with a sprinkling of Spenser study groups, pagans, and collectors of winged dolls. Since Wicca was not censored from the most popular interests, it's clear who 6A/SUP is going after."

Help me do something about this. Click here and enter in this text (edit the last paragraph to suit you):

I just discovered that SUP has removed these interests: "Sex, Boys, Girls, Fanfiction, Yaoi, Hardcore, Porn, Bondage, Faeries, Pain, Depression, Bisexuality" from LJ's daily popular interests report, and I am outraged by this censorship. I want LJ to reflect its users, not the prejudices of its owners. I have seen a large number of my friends moving to another journaling site, with more threatening to do the same, and I think that LJ needs to pay attention to this before it loses a large chunk of its paying customers.

I am a _______ (plus, paid, permanent, basic, early adopter) account holder, and if I left, you would be losing the revenue I bring in by ________ (viewing ads, paying yearly, inviting new people to join LJ).

of course, you can also just write your own text. and re-post this! I want to see it FLOOD my flist because I want LJ to at least take NOTICE, which it doesn't seem to be doing. And if you think of anything else we can do to make it known, please let me know and I will take part!

ETA: If no one speaks up about this, they assume that no one cares, and the next time a censorship issue comes up, they are far more likely to act in favor of it because they don't see any negative consequences. If, instead, they face outrage at this, they are less likely to censor in the future.

LJ fixed it!

Twice recently I've dreamed about Foreman (after marathoning my way through House M.D.). In the first dream, I was a mocha-skinned Goddess (literally, in the reality of the dream I was superhuman) in a jungle-y area (wtf?) -- it was apparently my temple and he was there to worship. I think he sang for me, or recited poetry in my honor? he was much thicker than in real life, wearing only a blue loincloth that draped down to the floor (I'm embarrassed at recounting this, it seems so dreadfully stereotyped). The thing I noticed most was the cellulite on his butt and the back of his thighs, and I thought it was very intriguing and sexy how he was both muscular and plush. It's been a while so I don't remember much else, but he was very seductive and I was very appreciative. ;-)

The second dream I had of him was very short and simple -- I was alone and scared in a dark parking lot, and then I saw him he held his arms out to me. I ran over to him and he gave me the most amazing, enveloping hug -- he lifted me off of the ground, but it wasn't rib-crushing like it would have been in real life. It lasted a long time and was sooooo wonderful.

( confronting my mom about her ED )

( abstract sex-representation, unsatisfying )

... the post you've all been waiting for! ;-)

When sexually cheating on a partner is a repeated behavior, I have sympathy only for the one cheated on, as I see the cheater as a liar. But the one-time-slip-up kind of cheating? Part of me finds it horrible and destructive and selfish, but a large part of me feels intense sympathy for the cheater. Maybe this is because I've had so many dreams about 'accidentally' cheating on Ben, because (in dream reality) I forgot I was with him. I know this isn't logical in real life, but my subconscious says that there is a kind of insanity, a kind of drug-rush, that can happen in almost the same way. Like a person dying of thirst might kill someone for water, no matter how much of a pacifist they might be. Don't get me wrong -- I still think it is a horrible thing to do, and not permissible or excusable in any way -- I just... feel for both parties. Especially when the cheater genuinely loved the person they cheated on.

( I used to be absolutely petrified that I would accidentally cheat on Ben... )

Some people have the mistaken concept that polyamory means cheating when nobody is allowed to get mad about it. Not so! Cheating breaks a polyamorous relationship just as it breaks a monogamous one. Cheating is promising a person something and then not giving it; in monogamy, it means telling a person that you won't share sex with anyone else, and then doing it anyway and turning your promise into a lie. Cheating hurts because it breaks trust, because it is the biggest lie you can tell. Cheating is breaking the rules, whichever those are. Monogamy and polyamory have different rules, and make different promises. It is just as possible to cheat in a polyamorous relationship! For instance, Ben and I have the promise that we will get the other person's approval before embarking on any romantic relationship, because we trust each other to have the wisdom and generosity to help us choose the right people. If we were to have an additional romantic relationship WITHOUT getting approval from the other, that would be breaking the rules of our relationship and cheating.

Some believe that cheating hurts because an individual only has 100 points of love they can give at a time, and if they give to two people then each person only gets 50 instead of 100 -- less than they deserve, less than they can live on. But love doesn't work like that! It's not measurable or divisible. When you give love back and forth it increases on both sides, it doesn't stay the same amount -- that's the magic of it. And your heart doesn't have role-slots to be filled by specific people -- you can love more than one person with your WHOLE heart. Sometimes one person might be drained or hurting and not have a lot of love to give, but that is true of a monogamous or polyamorous relationship, with one difference: in a polyamorous relationship, the hurting one has more than one lover to pour into them and help them get back on their feet. A person does have limits, but some people have a limit of several partners rather than one.

Because this post is kinda all over the place, have some links to help clarify: a site that answers common questions about / reactions to polyamory & why I am polyamorous.

If a relationship involves sex, it is considered natural and healthy to expect it to be deep and intense; you're expected to mourn and be heartbroken if it ends. But if the relationship does NOT involve sex, people think it is unnatural -- even unethical, or 'wrong' -- for it to be deep and intense, and it is somehow proof of the 'unnaturalness' of it that one is heartbroken when it ends. In our disconnected world, people are afraid of intimate connections. People cannot imagine intimacy without sex, because intimacy is so scary that they won't attempt it without the physical high of sex.

I have had several relationships which I call soulfriendships. A short definition of a soulfriendship would be: a committed friendship where both are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of their lives, support each other, and continually help each other to grow. ((you can read a more in-depth description here, but be aware that I need to update it)) You could also see it as a platonic marriage/partnership.

Recently a soulfriendship of mine ended, and I began to mourn the loss of it in my journal. Most of those who commented to me offered comfort, but one person took the opportunity to tell me that "I think you are putting unrealistic expectations on yourself and others by expecting your relationships to be that deep all the time. Perhaps if you allowed nature to take its course and appreciated the natural waxing and waning of all things, you wouldn't feel so devestate and depressed after the loss or lessening of a connection." I think the person had good intentions, but what struck me about the comment was that it suggested that it was wrong to expect depth in my friendships. I do not know the person, but this is not the first time I have been faced with this attitude; people get downright hostile with me about it. Those same people would not say "you can't expect it to be forever, because humans don't work like that" about a romantic/sexual relationship -- even if it may be true! Many people get married with the expectation that they will continue in that relationship 'until death do us part' but I have found few to believe that such a commitment can be made without sex or laws to hold it together.

Does love require sex in order to be deep? I believe it doesn't.

I'm tired of my friendships being viewed as lesser because they don't include sex. I loved Hannah every bit as much as I loved my partner Ben -- I loved them both with all of my heart. And she loved me as much as she loved her partner Nick. We didn't rank each other lower because we weren't lovers.

I do not expect too much. I do not expect soulfriendship with anyone unless we have thoroughly discussed it and decided to embark on it together -- just like two people in a marriage/partnership discuss it and choose it together. Of all of my other friends, I have no set expectations. I 'let them flow.' But just like a romantic relationship, friendship changes when you add commitment to it. It is a different kind of relationship -- more intense. And just like I wouldn't swear off romantic relationships because one ended, I'm not going to swear off soulfriendship. I know what it's like; I know what incredible benefits it gives, the love and growth and learning. I fully intend to keep on having soulfriendships, whether they are with lovers or not.

LJ idol topic 5: "Sexual Ethics" ((if you got something from this, please vote for me!))

something I realized when watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila (which I'm officially no longer ashamed of watching):

Right now, being bisexual, lesbian, or gay is a 'controversial issue' -- and while it isn't a good thing for it to STAY that way, I think it can be a good thing that it is that way. It's a catalyst for change. As a person discovers that they have feelings for the same sex, they realize that the way they have always thought may not be the best way to think. And this thought-shift also happens in their family and friends as they come out to them. Some people are going to be close-minded and resist the change, but for others, this radical shift in thinking not only gives them a whole new point of view, it teaches them how to create MORE thought-shifts. (it would be better, of course, if our parents/society taught us from the very beginning to embrace shifts in thinking, but...)

When you believe something as an integral part of your reality and then that changes, any change after that is easier, because you've been there. This part of your perceived reality changed and you survived it -- hopefully thrived though it! -- so you don't see reality as rigid and unchangeable. You see that you don't know everything; even that what which you are certain is true now, you may disbelieve tomorrow. I think this is really important for understanding one another. I can consider other people's truths to be as real as mine because I know that I might believe the way they do in the future, or I may have believed that way in the past.

And thanks to good_news_net, I learned that it was "this day in 1955, [when] seamstress Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a Montgomery, Ala. bus to a white man and was arrested for violating the city's racial segregation laws." Thank you Rosa for confronting discrimination and becoming a catalyst for change ♥

Until I was in high school (age 16 or 17), I didn't even know there was a such thing as romantic love for your own sex. I'm so not kidding! I was... I can't say 'sheltered' -- more like 'incarcerated.' We only had contact with kids in Christian school, homeschool, and church. We did not have TV (one thing I do agree with my parents on) and only watched movies that were purchased from a Christian film company (don't agree on). My parents had complete control over what we were exposed to.

And yet. I remember very clearly having strong crushes for both sexes, and some strong enough that I would call them love. I wouldn't have thought of them that way at the time because I had no context for it, but so it was.

( crushes: Stevie, Marcus, Brandy, nameless girl )

( love: Sylvia )

Love: I met Rachel at a homeschooling co-op when I was about 14, and I idolized her. She was everything I had always wanted to be -- beautiful, intelligent, a talented artist, an advanced ballet dancer, a very skilled musician, very friendly and confident and popular and spiritual. I would cry myself to sleep at night (many, many nights) because she was so important to me and I didn't mean anything to her (that I could tell, anyway). I desperately wanted to be the most important girl in her life (I loathed her best friend even though she was nice enough). I would have given anything for her. Then we went to camp with our youth group and she acted in a way that I thought was horrible, and I hated her for wrecking the falsely perfect image I had of her. (I wasn't very kind or forgiving as a child) I think a big part of the reason I hated her so much was because I had such strong feelings for her, and once I deemed her unworthy of love I had to send those feelings in another direction. Now looking back, I really regret having judged her. I had a dream about her two years ago that really changed my perspective, and I tried to get back in touch but couldn't. I hope she's doing okay, wherever she is.

Love: I met Josh at Camp on the Rock (a Christian youth camp) when I was about 15, I think. He told his testimony (the story of his life, for you who are not as acquainted with christianese) and I was so incredibly moved that just before the week ended, I took him aside and told him how much I was blown away, and cried in front of him (me, who was terrified of showing emotion in front of people, terrified of talking to strangers, and especially terrified of guys). He thanked me humbly and hugged me. I prayed for him every single night for the next full year. That is some serious dedication! I think I may have forgotten twice, but I made up for it by sometimes praying multiple times a day. The next year, we were in the same group again (I think the only people in the camp who were in the same group both years, and I'm certain it was because I prayed for it the whole ride there) but I was put off by the change in him. Instead of humble and vulnerable, he was cocky and swaggering. I probably would have hated him for it, but several times I sensed a wistfulness, and I knew that wasn't the way he wanted to act, but that he felt he had to put up that front for some reason. Also, at one point we put on a skit, and he was one of two guys who put on dresses, makeup, and high heels (I can't remember what the skit was, heh) and I was VERY impressed by that. It takes a certain kind of guy to do that! and it wasn't some flouncy sexless dress either -- it was a knee-length formfitting sheath dress! I thought he was incredibly sexy. He is the only 'bulky muscled' guy I have ever been attracted to.

I've always been prone to falling in love or dancing on the edge of it. I'm a little in love with three girls and two guys (not including my partner) at the moment but don't think I'll be posting about that. *blushes*

Words and actions are like clothing; we can express ourselves with them, but they cannot describe the person we are. They can hint, they can shout, but they cannot sum us up. People are simply too complex, and too much of us exists in a place where no one can see actions or hear words. The only label that has any worth is our self-label: the words we choose to dress ourselves in. And even those have no worth until we explain our own meaning for them.

On that note, here are the words I wear: spiritual, creative, honest, open, compassionate, bisexual, polyamorous, partnered, nuevo-gypsy, Georgian, curvy body-positive, fiercely individualistic, feminist/equalist, genderfree female-bodied person. (in no particular order) And my definitions:

spiritual: I don't adhere to any one religion, but believe in whatever resonates with me. The main belief systems I draw from are ancient Egyptian concepts (including aspects of Kemetic Orthodoxy), Native American animism, Christianity, and Buddhism (I don't know much about it but I really love Hotei). I worship God/dess, and have a relationship with several of hir personalities, of Christian and Kemetic names. Ultimately I believe God/dess is love, that the physical world is a metaphor for the spiritual world, and that we chose to come to earth to learn how to love more. I believe everything is connected, all things have a spirit and a name, and there is no such thing as a coincidence.

creative: I am one who creates. I do my best to create love in myself and others, and to pour myself out in my creations: my writing, photography, modeling, beadweaving, painting, dancing, singing -- whatever way I can. I believe that every act of creation ripples out and changes the world (as does destruction, but that in a negative way). Even if no one ever sees my art, I feel I have changed the world simply by creating it (though I think it has even more power when shared).

honest: I do my best to never lie. I think 'little white lies' are like 'little white maggots' that infest connectedness and ruin it. Even one 'little white maggot' in a bowl of soup is going to make you not want to eat it -- I feel the same way about lies. If you can't trust me on something small, how can you trust me with your heart? also, little white maggotlies are usually born from insecurity in the relationship, or lack of willingness to work out all issues. 'I don't want to offend her' or 'I don't want conflict.' Conflict is the best source of growth. I say brrrrring it oooooooon.

open: I will share myself with my friends without prompting, and I will share myself with strangers upon them showing the interest to know. I think every time one person shares themselves with another, that creates more of a connection and ripples out to affect the whole world. To me, honesty is giving truth when it is asked for (passive), and openness is offering your truth (active).

compassionate: My most intense passion in life is to learn, in order to grow, and to grow, in order to love - more deeply, more freely, more openly. I believe love is my purpose for being. The more I love people, the easier it gets, because I come to understand them more, and when you truly understand a person, it's the easiest and most natural thing in the world to love them. I believe that at core we are all amazing, glorious spirits of incalculable worth. We all have a level of brokenness that keeps our spirits from being able to shine as they were meant to, but every act of love ripples out a wave of healing.

bisexual: ( ... )
polyamorous: ( ... )
partnered: ( ... )
nuevo-gypsy, Georgian: ( ... )
curvy body-positive: ( ... )
fiercely individualistic: ( ... )
feminist/equalist: ( ... )
nudist: ( ... )
genderfree female-bodied person: ( ... )

LJ idol topic 0: introduction/open topic (no voting this round!)

I don't believe in TMI, but of course if this is too personal for you, feel free to skip. ;-)
( poll about the ways in which you have sex )

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

When I first 'came out,' I self-labeled as queer for two reasons. (the larger reason is something I'll discuss in another post, 'cause it's loooooong) The smaller reason was that 'bisexual' seemed too limiting, seemed to lend itself to assumptions that would be untrue. My feelings about labels have changed since then.

Labels are useful. I never understood hating them -- they're just adjectives, they don't actually define you. They're great as a jumping-off point for understanding, which is their purpose. They only become a problem when people stop there -- when people don't go further, ask more questions and discover what that label means to the specific person using it. Because labels have no real meaning until explained. To one person, lesbian means "have only ever been attracted to women, only ever slept with women, and only will ever sleep with women." To another, it simply means "woman who only wants to sleep with women from here on out" and to yet another, it means "more attracted to women than men." I knew a woman who was married to a man, had never had sex with women and intended to only have sex with her husband for the rest of her life, but she identified as lesbian. If I knew nothing of her life and heard that she identified as lesbian, I might make assumptions that would be quite wrong -- which is why one should always ask more questions after hearing someone's self-label.

So that is why I have decided to identify as 'bisexual' -- yes, people may make assumptions, but that is their failing, not mine. I want to label myself as bisexual because that seems the most honest category for me, and because I want to help change the erroneous view many have of bisexuals. I am also queer, but to me that is a broader category meaning "not straight," and it simply doesn't say enough for me to be satisfied.

I would love if you'd please respond to this post with your sexual/relational self-label and what it means to you. Comments are screened but will be unscreened unless you ask for them to stay screened.

"Bisexuality is real" -- a statement I've seen with an accompanying colorbar in quite a few profiles. But many people don't believe that -- or, more to the point, don't believe that bisexuality is a stable and legitimate sexual preference. It is seen as transitory/false/fickle, because we live in an exclusionist society that declares that all people must be either/or -- gay OR straight (bad or good!). This means, for the many people who are not 100% same-sex or opposite-sex oriented, whichever feelings are: a) less strong or b) less socially acceptable (by whatever culture you're in) are therefore considered illegitimate, not real. People 'experiment' with the same sex in college and then after graduating settle into heterosexual life, but instead of allowing for the possibility that those people are bisexuals with stronger opposite-sex than same-sex feelings (or a desire to stay in the closet), they are categorized as straight. Their feelings and experiences are considered illegitimate, unreal, meaningless, because they MUST fit into one category or the other, based on whom they are currently/most recently in a relationship with. I think many people explore their bisexuality in college ((18% of college men say they've kissed another man, and 20% of college women say they've kissed another woman)) because it is (more) socially acceptable then, but later leave it behind to fit into a monosexual lifestyle because they feel they must choose one or the other.

One thing I keep seeing in tv/films which INFURIATES me is this: person discovers they have sexual/romantic feelings for the same sex, and immediately ASSUMES that they are gay, completely illegitimatizing their feelings for the opposite sex!!! (now if they mentioned a lack of feeling for the opposite sex, that would make sense, but that's never part of it!) THEY ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE!!! This assumption is extremely discriminatory, either/or, us/them, exclusionist. Feelings for one sex simply mean you have feelings for that sex, they do NOT mean all feelings for the other sex are therefore invalid and fake. And the assumption always goes the same way -- one drop of queerness makes you gay! Straight has to be pure, untainted. Sounds a little prejudiced, doesn't it? but it is an assumption made across the board, by all sexualities. Assuming people are either gay or straight is just as bad as assuming that all people are straight.

It's not just in the media either -- I've seen so many people say "I've discovered I have feelings for the same sex... I think I'm gay." (because bisexual is not an option? doesn't exist?) or "I would love to be [with women], but I love the cock too much." (I'm so not kidding, that is nearly a direct quote -- what she actually said was 'gay.' (also, hello? dildos?)) Liking penis and liking vulva are NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. (It's fine to like exclusively one or the other, of course, but liking both is ALSO a possibility)

Bisexuality is considered politically unimportant by some, because bisexuals blend into whichever monosexual group they fit into with their current lover -- they aren't visible. However, this is the very reason they are of utmost importance. Bisexuals bridge the gap between straight and gay -- they bring to awareness that we are all the same, we are all just people. Bisexuality makes many people uncomfortably aware of the fact that there is no strict dividing line between gay and straight -- you can be both at once. There aren't purebloods and mudbloods -- bisexuality throws out the either/or, throws out the rationale for us/them mentality. How can you discriminate if you don't know who's who? Heterosexism is essentially based on appearances, and since bisexuality makes appearances completely irrelevant, heterosexism relies on the belief that bisexuality doesn't exist.

If a heterosexist person sees two girls kissing, ze is disapproving, but if ze sees a girl and guy kissing, ze is approving. However, if that person believed in bisexuality, ze would not be able to dis/approve based on simple appearances, because that opposite-sex couple could easily both be queers. (Or, for that matter, one of the same-sex couple could actually be a 'feminine' guy and therefore marginally 'approvable') If ze was the boss of a man who had been happily married to a woman for 20 years and had four kids, ze could not assume he was straight (if ze believed in bisexuality). Or if ze had sex with someone of the opposite sex, ze could not assume that that person was straight, and knowing that the person you're sleeping with could be queer makes it a hell of a lot harder to discriminate against queers. Also, if ze believed in bisexuality and ever had ANY feelings for the same sex, ze could not dismiss those feelings as illegitimate or unimportant, and could not so easily discriminate against others who act upon those feelings.

Until bisexuality is recognized as a stable and legitimate sexual preference, discrimination against all sexualities will continue. There are other factors of course, but I believe this is a major factor.

I've made my own colorbar: feel free to use if you wish.

Bisexuality is a stable and legitimate sexual orientation.

<center><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="50%"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="#E545C8" width="10%"> </td><td bgcolor="#B727EE" width="20%"> </td><td bgcolor="#6F00FF" width="40%"> </td><td bgcolor="#6933FF" width="20%"> </td><td bgcolor="#3B3BFF" width="10%"> </td></tr><tr><td colspan="5" align="center"><a href="http://belenen.livejournal.com/348769.html">Bisexuality is a stable and legitimate sexual orientation.</a></td></tr></tbody></table></center>

queer + sci-fi/fantasy = glee! OMFG, wanna go SOOOOOOOOOOO bad!!! Seriously, I'm so excited about this. SOMEBODY is going to go with me! I'll have to see who I can convince. Anyone want to fly into town for it? :D omg so exciting!

"Year in Review: What Was Good and Bad for Queers in Books, Films, Comics"
"The De-Gaying—and Re-Gaying—of Heroes"
The OUTer Film Festival
"The Effects of New Technologies on Literature"
"Queer Exploitation in Film"
"Lesbians in Red Shirts: Is the Lesbian Mortality Rate in SF/F/H Too High?"
"Lit vs. Tellie: Why Genre TV Lags So Far Behind Genre Literature in Portraying Queers"
"Literature as Activism"
"Bi-Sectionality: Crossing Genres in Writing "
"History of Queer SF/F Literature"

I'm sure I won't be able to go all four days, but I definitely want to go Friday for the film festival, if nothing else. ;-)

also: this project is so beautifully inspiring! Opening your heart & home to strangers! I can't wait to have a larger place so I can get involved.

and randomly: BPAL swapping.

(from this meme)

7. (from blood_4_deniro) I know you don't subscribe to society's rigid beauty standards they have on women. but I know that most people have certain characteristics they find attractive, most of us also have preferences for certain types of looks. so... I was wondering do you have your own set of beauty standards for men and/or women?

Well this is a complicated question, and I love it! I don't consider myself to have a standard, but some would say I do, because I find all different looks equally attractive, but certain ones catch my eye more. My belief on beauty is that it is found in variety, and each person is their own ideal. I'm attracted to EVERYTHING (with one exception -- bulky muscular white men. It's connected to a trigger, and I'll leave it at that). On men, I like sharp-featured, craggy-faced, bleached blonde, dark, redheaded... On women, I like wide or narrow hips, large or small breasts, round-bellied, flat-bellied... On either, pierced, tattooed, plain, long hair, short hair, curly or straight hair, shaved head, tall, short, slender, thick, pale, dark... any combination of anything is attractive to me. But I do prefer people who look especially unique. I like figures with contrasts (called 'disproportionate' by the unenlightened), like small busts and wide hips or vice versa. I like any unusual features. And there are certain features I am initially drawn to most. On a man, slim but muscular, tall, dark skin, long dark hair, facial hair but no mustache. (essentially, Nimajneb) On a woman, shaved head or short dark hair, full breasts, wide hips, rounded belly, thick thighs, and muscular calves (and not body-shaved!). But the thing is, those aren't my ideal because if you showed me a woman that fit that description exactly, I would still find others to be just as attractive. There's this artist on dA with very narrow hips, a slim belly, slender legs, small breasts, and shaved parts, and I think she's just as gorgeous. She just wouldn't catch my attention as fast if I walked by both women in a store. The features that catch my eye the quickest are: on a woman: wide sensual hips, on a man: slender gracefulness, in faces: green or blue hazel eyes, very thick or arching eyebrows, full lips, and dark hair. The only things I find unattractive are fake tans, heavy boring makeup ('goth' or 'actress' type), non-expressive or body-hiding clothing, a way of moving/facial expression that betrays a lack of interest in life, or muscles that obviously take more than 3 hours a week to maintain (especially ab muscles -- don't like washboards on either sex).

Also, I think that the internal self shines through, and I think that that is the thing that attracts me most. Sometimes a person will catch my eye, and I'll watch them for a second and lose interest because I either can't get a feel for their inner self, or I don't like the feel I get. Other times a person will catch my eye and I will be absolutely enamored to the point of wanting to follow them around, and they don't have any of the features that usually draw me. And once in a good while someone will catch my eye with a feature and keep it with their inner self, like Nimajneb. ;-)

*note: my aesthetic attraction has nothing to do with my sexual/romantic attraction. possible post on that at a later date...

and now I turn the question on my flist: do you have your own set of beauty standards for men/women? if so, what are they?

Self-education update: I got way behind on posting my list, but I've spent the last couple of days catching up on my brief ratings and reviews so I could share with you.

For the newbies and the short of memory: I call this self-education, because I read to expand my mind (and enjoy myself). Some are fiction, some aren't -- but every book is a collection of thoughts from someone else, and by comparing/contrasting my way of thinking with the ways presented in the book, I can broaden my views. My brain also runs differently when reading -- I can't explain it but it makes my ways of thinking more organized somehow. It's like mental stretching, I suppose -- it makes me more mentally limber.

( how I star them: )

1. The Merlin Effect by T. A. Barron (YA sci-fi) ( ... )
2. The Girls Next Door: Into the Heart of Lesbian America by Lindsy Van Gelder & Pamela Robin Brandt (non-fiction) ( ... )
3. The Magic and the Healing by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy)
4. Under the Healing Sign by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy)
5. The Healing of Crossroads by Nick O'Donohoe (YA fantasy) ( ... )
6. Mara, Daughter of the Nile by Eloise Jarvis McGraw (historical fiction) ( ... )
7. Ramses: The Son of Light by Christian Jacq (historical fiction) ( ... )
8. Keeping You a Secret by Julie Anne Peters (YA fiction) ( ... )
9. Just Another Kid by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
10. Beautiful Child by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
11. Twilight Children by Torey Hayden (non-fiction) ( ... )
12. Closer To The Light by Melvin Morse, M.D. (non-fiction) ( ... )
13. Mystic and Rider by Sharon Shinn (fantasy) ( ... )
14. The Canopy by Angela Hunt (christian fiction) ( ... )
15. The Glass Harmonica by Louise Marley (sci-fi/historical fic) ( ... )
16. Cat Talk by Carole Wilbourn (non-fiction) ( ... )
17. The O'Connors: Roses and Rain & Shadows in the Mist by Karen Young (contemp. romance) ( ... )
18. Between Lovers by Eric Jerome Dickey (contemp. romance) ( ... )
19. Acorna's Quest by Anne McCaffery & Margaret Ball (sci-fi) ( ... )
20. Acorna's People by Anne McCaffery & Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (sci-fi) ( ... )
21. The Godmother by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (sci-fi/fantasy) ( ... )
22. Song of Sorcery by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (fantasy) ( ... )
23. The Harem of Aman Akbar by Elizabeth Ann Scarborough (fantasy) ( ... )
24. Lord of the Two Lands by Judith Tarr (historical fiction) ( ... )
25. The Search for Fierra by Stephen Lawhead (sci-fi) ( ... )
26. A Woman Like That : Lesbian and Bisexual Writers Tell Their Coming Out Stories by Joan Larkin (non-fiction) ( ... )
27. The Thirteenth House by Sharon Shinn (fantasy) ( ... )
28. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling (fantasy) (