These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajn aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- lover, spirit-twin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- deep friend.
lil sis -- younger sister.
Kate aka clown_frog -- close friend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- close friend, spirit-kin.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajn's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

I miss:

-- the girl who glowed with such a sweetness that she made my fierceness feel like it had a purpose, protecting her.

-- the girl who listened to my every hurt and loved me unconditionally. Who hugged me even though she hated touching or being touched, because she knew I needed it. Who shared sacred parts of herself, and taught me so much in the process. Who taught me that God/dess is not a bundle of rules, but a person, a being made of love.

-- the girl who inspired me with her intensity, who celebrated her strangeness. Who filled my life with light just by being herself. Who intimidated me with her brilliance, and coaxed me out of my fear of self-expression by finding the brilliance in me. Who shared my excitement over my creations, no matter how undeveloped or unskilled. (night before last I dreamed that she came to me and said she wanted to be friends again ♥)

-- the family who taught me what family is, who accepted and loved me for who I was, right at that moment. Who encouraged me in selling my jewelry, believing in me and even offering help. Who understood that I had been taught lies and lovingly guided me out of my subconscious prejudice, without judging me.

-- the girl who showed me that I was not alone in the way I sense trees, who unintentionally validated something so important to me.

-- the group who let me see a created family, dissimilar people who banded together to create their own culture, rooted in love. Who accepted me as I am, and didn't make me feel like an outsider despite the lack of history I had with them (quite a feat!).

-- the girl who made me feel connected, loved in a way I had never been.

...Missing You by Jem...
I'll always be thankful for the time we had
We were blessed, I should celebrate
but I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories just make me fall apart

But I, yes I, miss you
and it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
want you by my side

These are the characters in the story of my life:

Nimajneb aka frenetik -- husband and soulfriend.
Hannah aka shioneh -- spirit-twin and soulfriend.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- deep friend
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend
Firekat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend
'Kenzy aka sunshinepill -- deep friend
lil sis -- younger sister.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- close friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- close friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
Nimajneb's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

heh, been working on this for DAYS. You should all do it! it's oddly cleansing. ;-) and I'm curious about the people in your lives; I believe you can understand a person much more when you know of the people who live in her/his heart ♥

Our church has a very unique structure, designed to keep the 'small-church family' feel, even as we grow. We have one service on Friday evening, two on Saturday evening, two Sunday morning and one Sunday night -- and our pastor preaches the same sermon all six services. He takes every fifth weekend off to keep from burn-out (and that week we have a guest speaker). Anyway, we really believe in making connections, and part of that means having home groups -- basically, a small group of people that meet every two weeks or so to talk and bond and support each other. Ben and I have been trying to find one, but they all seemed to be so much older. (I think the younger ones tend to be less committed)

We finally visited one, and I loved it. Everyone was so cheerful and energetic and loud! Ben wasn't quite as thrilled as I was about the loudness -- but with me, it reminded me so much of being in Paula and Spencer's house -- when you have a group, you gotta pretty much shout to get heard, and everyone talks over each other and nobody gets offended! Oh my gosh I love that, I lovelovelove it. You'll have three conversations going on at once, and then everyone will listen to one person for a minute, and then it splits into several conversations again. It's just so free!

And it was quite a mixed group -- a single mom, three couples with kids, one couple with a new baby, and then us and another newlywed older couple who were also trying out the group for the first time. Everyone except Ben, myself, and the couple with the new baby was black. I really clicked with Veronica and Najla, though I'm a little intimidated by Najla 'cause she's SO bold. And she has teenage kids, so I feel like we probably have little in common. But I'm pretty sure we're going to stay in this group, it felt like family immediately. Especially with the oldest woman -- she was the one who invited us in the first place, and she's very motherly. It made me so happy to FINALLY find a group I'd actually want to bond with.

And afterwards we walked to the front and saw the Wynnes! My heart did a backflip and I ran up and hugged Paula, who was happy to see me. She had a baby on her hip, but even though the baby looked a lot like Spencer I couldn't recognize her as Risa! She's a year old now, and I've only seen her a handful of times. Spencer handed me his phone and told me to put my number in, so I did, but while I was doing that Paula left to change Risa's diaper, and I didn't even greet her... Still, I was just so happy to see them! I asked about William and Spencer said that he won the National Championship in track, doing hurdles -- I don't remember specifically what, but apparently he's assured scholarships now. I'm so proud of my little brother. ;-)

As we were walking away, I thought to myself, 'hey, maybe I actually won't cry this time, I just feel happy.' Then of course I realized that I didn't even say hi to Risa when I desperately want to hold her... and I started crying. Why is there still so much pain in my heart over that? I really don't understand it... It just hurts so much to not be a part of their lives. So much, still, a year later... it doesn't hurt any less, I just think about them less... I miss them so much. When will I be able to let them go? I thought I had gotten better.

I was spending time with Spencer and Paula, and I was upset about something, I cried to them and they comforted me, very generous and loving... then later in the dream I was taking care of their toddler son (which they don't have in real life), and as I checked on him I noticed that rain was dripping in through the roof. It broke the fan and dripped off of the light globe, and poured enough water to really soak the bed. So I ran to tell them, but they got very angry with me for freaking out about it, and treated me as if I was stupid and should have just ignored it.

I went to the Wynnes and talked to Paula and June about matresses and whether Risa should call people Miss Firstname or Dr. Lastname. I said Miss Firstname, but they both disagreed with me and thought I was stupid for suggesting it. Then Paula went to work while June was babysitting Risa, and I thought I might as well leave. But Risa realized her mom was gone and ran over to me and hugged me, asking me where her mom was. I said her mom was at work, but she'd be back. Risa liked me much more than June, and since she wanted me to stay, I did, and played with Risa for a while. Risa's nickname was Kristina, and for some reason I couldn't remember her real name.

The group counseling thing I go to is held at my church, and while I was there this week I saw Gabe! My wonderful little brother. Aside from Ben, he's the only real family I've ever had. My biological family never really bonded with me, and even though I kinda adopted Paula and Spencer, they never adopted me the same way. But with Gabe, we couldn't be any more brother and sister if we were actually blood related. I drove him to and from school for months and then taught him to drive, and all those mornings and afternoons we talked about everything.

I saw Gabe and my heart LEPT! I was so excited and happy just to see him! We talked just a little bit about his college and such (he was away for school but he's back for the summer), but we couldn't talk for long because I had to go to small group. I wonder how much he has changed this year... he's always been very mature in spiritual issues but very much a kid in practical issues, because he was the only child of a single mom for a long time -- I imagine that being sorta on his own for a year has grown him up a lot.

I never realized just how important he is to me until that moment -- I was so overwhelmed with joy just to see him, my darling little brother. Wow. I don't think I'd be that happy even if Kaylene showed up at my door.

He's an amazing person. When I lived with his family, a few times he did something to hurt me (through carelessness), and when I approached him about it, he was very humble, apologized, and really worked on changing. One time he did something that made me look irresponsible in front of Spencer (can't remember what) and I was so upset I just avoided him for the day because I didn't want to yell at him. Before I even got a chance to tell him that what he had done bothered me, he taped a note to my bedroom door -- and in that note he explained how he realized he had wronged me, and he apologized -- and he was SIXTEEN at the time. I was blown away by his maturity (and of course I forgave him). But here's the impressive part -- he remembered that and was more responsible afterwards. So you understand why I adore him!

( a photo of both of us -- not a flattering angle for me, but I love it anyway )

I don't feel black enough. And that makes me feel stiff and boring and inadequate. And I know it all has to do with my dream of being part of Paula and Spencer's family. That stupid fucking dream just won't DIE. DAMN YOU! I want to carve out my idiotic heart and slice it into tiny pieces. STOP HURTING ME stop hurting me stop hurting me stop hurting me stop hurting me stop, please. Why can't I get over this? And I wonder... if I was black or if I just had more 'black culture,' would Paula trust me more? Would she call me like she calls Danica? Would I be part of their lives? Paula wanted to be Danica's 'spiritual mother' -- but with me, she freaked out and got very cold when I confessed that I wanted that from her... and Danica's white too. But something's different about her, something that makes her 'fit.' Danica's an incredible person, but am I not too? What's wrong with me? I know I lack, show me where and I will work on it I promise!

Please don't tell me that I'm fine the way I am or that my culture is fine and I shouldn't try to be something I'm not... I know I'm fucked up and I know I have racism and I KNOW that and I'm trying to get over it, really I am. But white culture is incredibly boring, stiff, colorless, dull, lying, for the most part. There are wonderful subcultures, I know... but.

I love Paula and Spencer and my brother and William and my babygirl so very much but I try hard never to think about them because it always, always makes me cry. I'm writing this entry blind with tears. I wish I wish I could just LET IT GO.

so, I've been lousy at comments lately, sorry. I'll try to go back and respond some tomorrow...

Friday was my last day at work, but I don't feel like I've actually quit yet... Yvonne asked why I was quitting, and I explained, and she told me that she was also abused as a child... (this is everywhere, a widespread devestating disease that no one ever talks about. WHY?) She was very kind, she stayed and talked to me for a while until I got a steady flow of customers again. She also has been totally healed, she was able to sit through a thanksgiving dinner with her abuser (a relative) without fear or anxiety or anger... I have even more hope now that I know two people have been totally healed.

I had counseling Saturday, it was very very stressful. I don't feel like it was progress, but at the same time I do -- I was more open than before, I almost felt trusting enough to tell her about my modeling and my journal -- I feel sure she would approve, but that 5% doubt is enough to make me want to keep it from her. She's no 'religious' person, just someone who loves and follows God, but everybody has their hangups and her opinion matters a lot to me, to use drastic understatement, so I'm afraid to tell her. I feel like God thinks that both my modeling and my journal are fascinating and wonderful, but again, I have slight doubt, and I'm afraid to ask him, afraid to ask anyone who represents his voice in my life.

I think my heart is slowly pulling away from Paula and Spencer. ( ... )

And of course, we talked about forgiving my dad. She told me that a wound that deep is too much for us to forgive on our own, that I have to let God do it through me, with me... it's too much for me to understand, right now. She said it is simple, just that simple, a one-time decision, but hard to do. I want to forgive him, just so I can be free from all the pain my unforgiveness is causing me, but at the same time I don't want to forgive him, because in many ways he thinks he's just fine and I don't want to support that belief in any way... I'm very bitter when it comes to him, I've faced that and it's true. I don't like being bitter and untrusting when it comes to authority figures. But she forgave her perpetrator, and I'm 99.99% sure that my dad never touched me in any impure way (he was always very careful and cautious about NOT doing so), so don't I have it easy in comparison? I'm not even forgiving my abusers yet, whoever they are. Why is it SO HARD to forgive him? I think partly because I don't feel like my pain has been validated, I feel like I can't forgive something if I'm not even sure if it's wrong or not, and of course my parents would tell me that I'm overreacting and that I'm imagining things. But I want to get it over with. Yet I want someone to say, "that's terrible, I understand why you are so hurt, that was wrong." There are so many many things... mostly just how he treated me like less than a human. And told me repeatedly that my feelings and thoughts didn't matter, "I don't care how you feel" -- that exact phrase, many times. And now he wonders why I don't want to talk to him.

"Where do I take this pain of mine
I run, but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout

So tear me open, but beware
The there's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me, 'till I'm clean...."

I wish I had the guts to give Spencer the link to my journal (Paula's not an option because she's almost completely computer illiterate, and never gets online). But his opinion is the second most important opinion in my heart... and I'm so afraid. Afraid that he won't understand or won't approve, or will be freaked out by just how much I love him and Paula and Gabe and William and my babygirl. Mostly the latter, I think, since everyone seems to think that I love them because I have the ulterior motive of being able to 'prove' that I'm not racist (which I don't believe, by the way, I know I still have subconscious prejudices that I need to get over, and there is a lot about the black american culture that I just don't know). I've never actually talked about race with Spencer, though I have with Paula and Gabe, and he has joked about it around me.

Damn, I'm crying. I didn't think I felt so strongly about this.

They don't know I do artistic nude modeling either, and even though I think Spencer might understand, he might not... and he might tell Paula, who has very VERY particular ideas about what is Proper and what is Not. And she gets to decide how involved in their family I am, so if she decides I'd be a bad influence on Risa, it's bye-bye Kristen. (now I'm just feeling sorry for myself)

But I hate this. I hate not knowing if they'd accept me for who I really am, and they're the only mentor types besides my Uncle Bob who've ever come close. Especially Spencer. I know I was a crazy thing when I first moved in with them, probably really obvious in how scared of Spencer I was (due to people telling me all my life that black men were extra-sexual and I'd better be very careful)... but I never felt anything less than approved of by Spencer (except that one time when I told him I'd take out the garbage and I forgot; oh my gosh I felt so irresponsible and lazy, and you better believe that stuck in my mind). So what if he learns who I really am, all my facets, and... thinks ill of me. Or just disapproves. And that tenuous connection I have with the family I love so desperately is shattered.

I miss them so much... so so sossosososososoooooooo much. I try not to think about them, because when I do, this is what happens. I turn into a little fountain of tears and pain, so much aching for inclusion in their lives. I miss my little brother Gabe! I miss our long talks; he's so wise for his inexperience (the momma's boy that he's always been). I miss Paula. Once we fell asleep holding hands... now we never talk, 'cause she's busy and she's not one to reach out and I know (because she told me so) that all she wants is a casual friendship, where we smile at each other if we meet, hang out once or twice a year, that sort of thing. So where do I get the motivation to reach to HER? And William, well, he intimidates me because I don't understand him. He lives in a completely different world -- he's a 15-year-old black teenage boy, I'm a 22-year-old married white woman. We don't know what to say to each other and half of the time I think he disdains me -- because his older sister and mother (not Paula) kinda do. They're rather anti-white, from what I've gathered. Maybe just separatist. Whatever. Nonetheless, I love him and am so proud of him. He's going to win a gold in the junior olympics this year, I know it (he's a very talented and dedicated runner). And even though he tries so hard to hide it, he's incredibly loving. I saw it when Paula was pregnant with Risa, and I saw it when he held babygirl. She was the completion of the Paula/Spencer family, the blending of genes that finally welded the family. imissmylittlesister.......... She's so small, so very young, and yet she has such a grip on my heart... I feel like I helped carry her. In a way, I did -- for the three months before she was born I visited Paula nearly every day, helping her because she was on bedrest. One of my favorite memories is when Paula's grandmother said to me, "That's your baby" -- about Risa. Paula was startled and maybe a little offended; she said, "What?" and then her grandmother amended her statement -- "That's your baby too." I felt so grateful to Grandma Tiny for saying that, and it resonated as truth. She's spiritkin to me -- that whole family is and always will be, regardless of how they feel about me.

I had to fight myself to keep this open... 'cause there are people I know irl (who have popped into my lj from time to time) who I don't especially want to share all this with. Openness beat fear.

(mental_coercion made ( this ) for me from an artwork by Meilin Wong)
I'm 22! One of my favorite numbers times my very favorite! (which makes this a favored number, of course) This year will be teh fuckin' awesomest.

So YAY! I opened eternitywaiting's present, which was all wrapped in lovely purple and lavendar tissue, and here it is (it's hanging on my wall above my beading table, against a cloth that is hanging from the ceiling) -------->
Nik (hurry up and rename yourself before I get used to that name!), you are wonderfully talented and so thoughtful! I'm amazingly blessed and touched by all the effort you went to for me. Effort and Bel-ness are the most important aspects of a present, and you nailed 'em both!

and I'm still going to be watching the mail impatiently and happily for misemifein2's present. I'm so freakin' lucky.

Ben and I are ridiculously broke right now, so we're waiting to celebrate on Friday -- it'll be after payday and it's my next day off.

So did anybody rent "Playing By Heart"??? (It's not too late! I'm not officially celebrating until Friday!)

I got some 'happy birthday' wishes from the oddest sources! Walmart had a little "happy birthday" note on the screen when I clocked in, and even weirder, our property managers left a card on the door saying happy birthday. It's not like we ever talk to them or anything -- but it was certainly a nice gesture. And then I had to tell elya (Ben's twin, my friend and in-law) that it was my birthday 'cause she forgot! (she had given me a lovely present early though, telling me that she just knew she'd forget the actual day) Then she told other people, and Lanie gave me a hug, which I considered a present. Physical touch really means a lot to me, and Lanie (one of the CSMs (the people who tell me what to do)) is such a darling. It makes me happy whenever I see her because she's so cheerful and alive.

-----

Oh yeah! And last night Ben and I went to the Saturday 5pm service at church, and saw Paula and Spencer. They gave me the presents that they had gotten me for Christmas (we really don't see them very often, sadly); a photo of Risa in a purple beaded frame, and these (the purple for me, the blue for Ben) (read the writing, it's hilarious!):
(hee hee!) Paula learned so much about me over those months I spent with her -- last year she got me a navy blue (with GOLD trim!) windbreaker and pants! I hate navy blue, gold, and the icky staticy feeling of those pants -- they went straight to donation. This year, purple + coffee = awesomegiftsquared. Kisses for Paula, and note to self: pray that she'll learn to trust. Even if it never benefits me, she deserves/needs that ability.

I went with Spencer to get Risa from the nursery after church, and babygirl recognised my voice! Spencer took her from the lady and she turned and reached for me! It could just be coincidence, but I don't think so. She heard my voice practically as much as Paula and Spencer's voices during her last three months in the womb. So I held my little sister for the second time (the first time that didn't include jealous stares), and we are so spiritkin, I know so much about her without knowing her mind at all. I think we must have known each other in heaven, and I bet we were close friends there. I don't want to miss out on her toddlerhood though, and I'm so afraid that I will.

Spencer was planning on bringing my W2s (JoAnns had my address from when I lived with them) but he forgot them, so I asked what they were doing tomorrow (thinking of picking them up) and he said they were having a superbowl party -- and I don't remember the exact phraseology, but Ben got the impression that we were invited and I got the opposite impression. Anyway I had to work until seven... and we didn't have the money for the gas to drive all the way over there and back, so even though I really wanted to go after work, we decided not to. I'm sad about it now, because I hate missing out on time with them, and I'm afraid they'll feel snubbed and not invite us next time, and I REALLY hate missing out on being at their house in a festive atmosphere. They throw the best parties, and not just because of the food and big screen tv, either -- there's just a feeling of lightheartedness that I've never felt elsewhere. And I never feel as at home as I do at their house. And I just really really miss them.

Spencer thought my birthday was in March, which makes me wonder if he was planning on sending me a card or something. Just the idea makes me teary. And I think the purple frame was his idea -- he seems to love the idea that I love Risa. He always wants me to hold her, it seems, and I know the photo at least was his idea. Maybe he senses babygirl's and my spirit-kinship, maybe it's his way of being grateful for helping Paula through the pregancy.... and maybe it's because he knew that I desperately wanted him to want Risa. Or it could possibly be that he in a sense feels like I 'gave' Risa to them, because I told Paula (a year before she got pregnant) that she was going to have a baby girl before too long. (they had her after they had given up and begun to plan a hysterectomy for Paula) Whatever it is, I like it, because it keeps me from feeling replaced -- oh yeah, that's probably the whole reason he does it, the analytical man that he is.

--------

Belenen: 2
Ben: 1
Very, very, very good game. (of course, I'm always happy when I come out on top. I must win.)

These are the characters in the story of my life:

• Ben aka Dragon aka sciethen -- the best husband anybody could ever hope for.
  
• Del aka Allison aka jedibubbles -- my spunky, sprightly, outgoing artist friend, whom I met in high school over an Anne McCaffery book.
  
• Paula & Spencer -- a wonderful couple whom I lived with for a year -- they taught me what real family was.
  
• Ashley aka alariya -- a new close friend; I was aquainted with her for years and recently we have grown close, very sweet and generous.
  
• Rebecca -- my very cherished best friend for 4.5 years, reserved but intense; also Ben's sister.
  
• elya -- my friend who is a living embodiment of a ray of sunshine, incredibly kind and gentle; also Ben's twin.
  
• Kristy -- my very outgoing, flirty friend who lives in Florida; also Ben's cousin.
  
• Kaylene -- a deep friend of mine who was part of my life for only a few months, yet she inspired me and understood me like no one else ever has.
  
• Gabe -- my spiritually adopted little brother, an amazing person whom I adore and am so proud of. You know when he's around because he sings everywhere he goes.
  
• Kristen -- my bossy, blunt, outgoing friend -- she was a friend of mine from middle school, and we've recently become friends again.

( more in-depth descriptions, with photos )

You should all do this so I can get to know the people in your life! (don't worry about the long part with the pictures, but do the short part!)

I was in my bioparents bedroom in the woodstock house (as if it was a flashback) and I was sitting on the bed talking with Paula, when Spencer walked in and mentioned that he missed me. I just kind of smiled and nodded, wondering if he meant it. He left the room for a moment and then came back in, looked me directly in the eyes and said firmly, "I miss you," in such a way that I couldn't doubt it. I started crying, because I was overwhelmed with the fact that he sincerely cared about me and desired my company. Then he hugged me and said stuff that made me feel loved (I can't remember what) and I felt like I really had a Daddy and I was protected and loved.

I wonder where that dream came from... I wan't thinking about the Wynnes the night before or even for the past two days. Maybe Spencer does miss me and that was God telling me so (I often have prophetic dreams) or maybe Spencer was a metaphor for God in the dream...

The other day I dreamed that Ben and I went to visit the Wynnes, and Spencer was so happy to see us that he showed it (he's a very reserved person, usually). That dream made me even more anxious to visit them (Sheridan's tire blew the other day, so right now we are using the doughnut and can't drive very far)... but then last night I dreamed that we went to visit them and Spencer was very unhappy that we were there -- he was taciturn and wouldn't answer me when I asked what was up. So now I am scared to visit them. I know, I know, they're just dreams -- but my dreams have always affected me powerfully, probably due in part to the fact that they are often prophetic.

And ever since I got Hya (my betta fish) I keep having dreams about fish out of water. For some reason, the fish (sometimes a betta fish but usually some exotic-looking unreal breed) is out of water, because it's container broke or it jumped out or whatever, and I'm trying to get it back in water before it dies. Often, after I get the fish into the water, I'm able to breathe water myself and am small enough to join the fish. But in the latest fish-out-of-water dream, the fish died, because I didn't realize it needed salt water until too late. I've had this dream, in completely different forms, over fifteen times. Obviously it has some kind of relevance, but I haven't been able to interpret it. When I wake, it always leaves me feeling like I've forgotten something important -- all day, I feel like I'm forgetting something that is terribly urgent.

I had such a lovely dream about Paula and Spencer (and June and baby Risa) but I can't remember most of it. All I can really remember is that I went to visit them and Paula was delighted to see me! She had a colossal bag of gifts for me, and as soon as she saw me she ran and brought it, and poured it all out in her haste to show it to me. And the best part was -- they were actually gifts that I would like! See, I don't care how much the gift cost or how wonderful everyone else thinks it is; what really matters to me is that the gift suits my personality or style or hobbies. (and the last time Paula gave me a gift it was so anti-me that it was kinda funny -- I'm glad I yielded to her insistance that I not open it in front of her, 'cause my face would have said it all) And also in the dream, Spencer somehow made it irrefutable that he loves me. I don't remember if he actually said the words or not, but whatever he did made all my doubt disappear.

--------

Oh yes, and I forgot to post this when it happened, but the last time Ben and I visited them, Spencer held Risa, waved her little hand at me and said to her, "Say 'hi sis!'" When he said that I could feel Paula's surprise, though I didn't look at her. I wanted to hold Risa so badly and I think he woke her up for that very purpose -- but I was sick, and I didn't want to contaminate her.

But when he said that, my heart skipped a beat. I didn't feel utterly delighted, 'cause Spencer may think of me as a daughter, but Paula doesn't, and she's the deciding factor in how close I'm allowed to be to the family. Still, it made me feel warm and accepted. (and made me wonder if Spencer had ever come across my journal and read the entry where I complained that I didn't want to be Risa's 'aunt,' I wanted to be her sister)

I went to visit Paula and babygirl, but couldn't bring myself to ask for anything. My arms ached with desire to hold this magnificent little spirit, but I didn't want to hear Paula make up excuses to say no. She has a million at her disposal; but none that honestly matter enough to keep me from holding her for five minutes or even ONE. It hurts, it hurts... And I'll never tell Paula, but Risa is far more like me than like her -- this baby is such a kindred spirit with me. I understand her, even at four days old. I can't see auras -- but hers must be a beautiful flickering rich red. I understand Paula's greediness, but it saps my spirit, all the same. I get that tearing feeling, where you feel like ripping your body open to match your soul -- oh.

And while I was there, Jessie came over. June (Paula's mom) and Jessie and I were sitting around Paula and Risa, just talking. There was a lull in the conversation, and June said something in Spanish (which they all speak, being Panamanian). When Paula began to translate for my sake, June said, "No, no, no, no -- that was just for Jessie." She laughed and smiled at Jessie, who looked a little uncomfortable (she's a gentle person). A few minutes later the conversation went on. I reined my feelings in tightly, 'cause I felt like crying but fvck if I'd let June (or Paula, who would defend her) see. I can't help it that my skin's not dark, I don't speak Spanish, and I wasn't born in their culture. She very effectively walled me out with that action; it would have been more honest to say, "Get the fvck out of here, you don't belong and you're not welcome." I don't know if this little situation translates as prejudice for the rest of you -- but it sliced through my heart. I love June, I'd sacrifice for her -- but she has a grudge against me, while Jessie, who has done far less for Paula and happens to be a black Panamanian, can do no wrong. It felt like prejudice, and if that is what minorities feel, my heart bleeds more for them. I hate all prejudice, all "us and them" mentalities; but when it's someone that you thought cared about you, it feels like... how do you express it? You suddenly realize that even if they care, it's weak caring -- they'd trade you for a stranger of their own kind at any opportunity. It's betrayal, and fighting would do no good. There's no way to express it! It makes me feel defeated and thrown away, like my spirit isn't enough to redeem my skin and my mind. Doesn't it matter at all that I love your skin and your culture and want to learn your language? My heart was yours for the plucking and you plucked it all right -- took a bite and dropped it, 'cause it wasn't the taste you were used to.

I don't feel that Paula is the same way -- but she didn't stand up for me, not even to look bothered by what her mom did. And she had to feel my hurt! Jessie felt it and she doesn't know me! (And in the back of my mind, it bothers me that when Paula and I were talking about my kids-to-be, she said she hoped they had Ben's skin -- he's part Seminole. ...even though I also like Ben's skin better, I don't want to be told that mine is ugly.)


At least I know that Spencer and Gabe trust me. They both share their hearts with me, and they accept me, pale skin, white culture, and all. If Spencer has any prejudice against me, it's that I'm not into sports (he's a coach). ;-)

Tuesday -- Ben woke me before he left, with a note he'd found under the windshield wiper of the car. It reads,
"4:46 pm
Aug 29, 2004
6lb 12oz
Rm 433"

That's it. Since this was proof that babygirl WAS born on Sunday and nobody bothered to think about me, I cried. Not until Ben left, though, 'cause I didn't want him to have a lousy day worrying about me. Then I fell asleep and dreamed about the Wynnes, about Paula wiping something acidic on my face as punishment for picking up Risa without asking.

I've spent the last two months taking care of Paula, I've told her that I wanted to be there when Risa was born, I told her that I wanted to be the first non-family to hold Risa (to which she replied, "That would be kinda hard," meaning that she didn't want it to happen. What Paula wants concerning this baby will happen, and she knows that) ... and yet nobody bothers to leave a note or drop by (our house is on their way out of the neighborhood, for goodness sakes). I'm very hurt. Helen's already been there (and held Risa, dammit!!!) and maybe Danica, 'cause I saw her on Sunday, which means she was in town (she lives in Tennesee). There just plain isn't any spare room in their hearts for me. How much I wish I could be in Danica's place! She's the one Paula wanted to spiritually adopt and then wanted to name her baby after -- and she's white too.

I suspect that Paula didn't want me to be there and chose the method of not informing me so that I wouldn't be there. I know Paula; if she had wanted me to be there she would have moved heaven and earth to get me there -- at least on MONDAY. She didn't even ask June to leave a note (and they took separate cars, if those few seconds would have been critical).

I don't know. I've tried what I could to show them that I'm trustworthy, but Paula still doesn't want to let me into her heart -- and maybe Spencer feels the same way. WHYWHYWHYWHY??? Just throw me a damn bone, okay? Otherwise I'm trapped in this, "I'm tired of being left out -- but I don't want to just drop them" thing that is so painful... Oh wait, they did throw me a bone. If you could call it that, it's more like a piece of gristle; this note informing me clinically that Risa has been born. Y'd think he could spare a few nonessential words. Does this sound stupid to you? Am I overreacting? Does my constant giving all that I could not merit being informed that they were going to the hospital? Or that they were there? They informed HELEN, who calls once a week, but not me.

FVCK.

Monday -- walk to the Wynne's house at 2:00, because Paula had planned a visit to the hospital then (she was 1 cm dialated on Friday). Still noone's home, no note. I left a note on the door, saying, "I came by and no one was here, so I just let the dogs out and back in. Hope everything is wonderful! --Kristen" Drove by later to see no cars and the note still on the door.

Sunday -- go by the Wynnes' house several times, but no one's there and there's no note. I'm a little upset, but I'm not jumping to conclusions yet. They could just be out having fun.

From 9:30am until 4:30pm I drove Paula around... then spent some fun time drinking coffee and laughing with Paula and Spencer and June... over Paula and June's respective cheating in school (they were clever!). The difference is, June mostly got out of trouble, and Paula didn't. Paula can't keep anything to herself -- when she played "hide 'n' seek" she gave herself away with giggles. I just love that. Her personality is so fun; I think I like being around people like her partly just 'cause it's entertaining!

Anyway, we took Sylvia in because we were seeing some of the same pre-new-fuel-filter symptoms, and they discovered the problem was how the throttle was adjusted, so they readjusted it free of charge. I laughed --"Tolja so!" at Ben, 'cause he didn't like them at first. The mechanic is a woman, which I just think is so freaking awesome! partly 'cause that isn't a socially acceptable career for a woman and she's doing it anyway, and partly 'cause I kinda want to do the same thing (but only kinda 'cause it's not creative enough for me). And I just plain like her spirit; she's very honest and NOT condescending to me like most mechanics I've met. So we'll be going there again. (Kennesaw Tire Company, if you were curious)

And then we realized that we need gas money and I had to go borrow from Paula and Spencer -- ugh. He gave me 600 fucking dollars recently, and I go asking for more money -- we've been sooooooo irresponsible lately, eating out way too much... we've also had to buy car stuff but still -- I'm pretty convinced he was a little disappointed in me, 'cause he knows I go to Starbucks a lot... man I have been so bad lately. I need to go back to buying a set amount on the Starbucks card every month. And then when he left the room Paula told me, "That's not a loan" -- while watching to be sure Spencer was out of the room. *covers face in embarrassment* But I'm definitely paying it back, 'cause you just don't go asking for a loan and then not pay it back, regardless of what they say.


I am just such a physical touch person. I realized that when I went to jedibubbles' house tonight and randomly hugged her like seven times -- and that was me greatly restraining myself! (she's my favorite girl right now) I didn't realize 'til afterwards that might be sensory overload for her -- not everyone is a touch sponge like me. I was just so happy to see her, and so aware that she was going to be out of physical touch range for a good while (she's going to FL for the semester. *pout*). I'm gonna miss her! But we'll stay in touch this time or I'll fly down there, dammit!

I've always wanted a friend that I could hold hands with, but the only one I was close enough to do that with hated physical touch, except violence. (not terrible violence, just minor limb bruises -- 'playful' wrestling) And nowdays there's always the "avoiding looking homosexual" thing. And Ben -- well -- he's not much for PDA. I want to have sex by the highway -- he wants to close the blinds on the windows that face the backyard. (I'm workin' on him though...)