Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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Christmas / having no sanctuary hurts

This Christmas was both fun and not.

The fun part: we went to Ben's parents' house, opened presents (I'll post about those later), ate yummy food, played games, and talked.
The painful part: a close friend of the family died two days ago, so everyone had death in their minds... and I ended up talking to Miss Kathleen a lot about my recent issues with rape. She didn't know about it at all, but it just kinda fell out of my mouth, and I wasn't uncomfortable at all talking about it... but then I realized that she didn't understand what I was saying. You know how you can sometimes tell that the person just isn't getting your meaning, even though they aren't far off? And we ended up talking a lot about my family, 'cause Miss K and my mom used to be best friends so Miss K always wants to know how they're doing....

So it ended up being depressing because I was thinking about rape and how I grew up essentially without parents... not cheery topics. I so wanted today to be happy... at least it was partly happy, and Ben had a lovely day (the boys got an X-box for Christmas, so the four of them played for like 4 hours).

When I was a teenager and I felt like this, I'd go down to my bedroom (which was the only finished part of the basement), lock my doors, turn on the strand of tiny lights that I had tacked to my ceiling, turn off the big lights, and lay on my bed listening to music and petting my cat, and maybe crying my fucking eyes out. ((wow, it soothed me just to write that description)) Now, I don't really have a sanctuary, the flat is mine and Ben's and the bedroom is soullessly undecorated, so I don't like being in there. It really bothers me not to have a place to run and hide... it hurts not to have a sanctuary.


If it's a choice between being with Kristy or going to church tomorrow, I'm choosing Kristy. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by ignoring you so much, God, but Kristy's a damn sight easier to hear than you are, and she gives me hugs. Besides, she's my heart-sister and I nearly never get to see her.

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