Belenen (belenen) wrote,
Belenen
belenen

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so dead lately... / faith

"Why have belenen's entries been so meaning-little lately?" you ask yourself mournfully.

I reply (because of course I can read your mind), "I've been very locked-up lately, because it hurts so much to try. It hurts to be myself, because that reminds me that I can't be myself. My sexuality is pretty much shot to hell and that kills me; my faith is in tatters from the same cause; and I have a very hard time receiving affection for the same reason."

Ben can be so loving and it just doesn't get through, unless he's extremely loving and persistant over a short period of time -- which isn't his style, and I'm just working this out now so I haven't told him, so basically I feel unloved. And I hate it! Because things that really do mean a lot to me I just can't feel -- from friends too, not just Ben. That makes no sense at all, but it's the best way to put it.

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And I'm really hammering on my set of beliefs lately, unsure if they are correct. So much of what we are taught in church has absolutely nothing to do with God... and yet the Bible doesn't lay everything out easily, you have to search for the truth that matches your question. Why? because God wants a relationship, so he wants you to ask him, and I have just not been very trusting of him lately. I don't want to approach him because I know he must be disappointed that I have been ignoring him, and I am afraid of disappointing him. So I cover my eyes and think he can't see me.

And the other things I wonder about constantly... like I want to and almost do believe that a relationship with God does not require knowledge of/belief in the actual gospel (that Jesus became sin, died, and rose again so we could live through him) because there are verses that suggest that, especially in Psalms. But then there are verses that suggest otherwise, so I can't quite throw my faith into that belief. So I'm left half-believing and wondering intensely.

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My hopeful thing is (and this takes me from hopelessly frustrated to hopefully frustrated) -- I'm going to start counseling again on Thursday with a new counselor, a woman who's been through everything I have.
Tags: deities
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