Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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faith versus trust

I'm not sure if I gave the right impression with my last post... I'm not doubting my faith. I'm having a hard time trusting God, which is very different. Like I believe that God exists and that he is who he is, but I'm having a hard time trusting him DESPITE the fact that I know he has nothing but love and compassion for me and desire for me to reach to him and grow. It's a soul versus spirit thing.

Thank you all for your responses, by the way, especially thesaj; you really encouraged me. I didn't expect that to happen but it did -- sometimes words have more power coming from someone other than your ownself.

And I know that God has a completely different view on my life -- he sees me as I was, am, and will be, and he sees all events as growing experiences, not necessarily right or wrong (unless they are against the 10, of course). He doesn't condemn me for not living to my potential (which is the thing I feel most displeased with myself about right now). He has given me so much power and I'm wasting it -- not singing, not dancing, not praying, not worshipping. For whatever reason, that makes me feel helpless. Like because I'm wasting it now, I will just continue to waste it forever.

Also I feel somewhat helpless because I can't pick what church service I go to, so I usually have to end up going to the one whose worship bores me. It is very hard for me to open up my soul and offer praise when they sing the same short songs over and over and over and over and over. 30 minutes of worship, and we sing like four songs. We ought to at least sing seven... and we need some battle songs, not all nicey-nice stuff. We're in a war here, boost my fucking morale, okay??? Sing "Days of Elijah" once in a while, or "Awesome God" -- something we can shout to! But -- yay! This Saturday I get to go to the 5:00 service! Where they have awesome stomping worship! (and I get to see Paula and Spencer and Risa too!)
Tags: deities

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