July 2018
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faith versus trust


I'm not sure if I gave the right impression with my last post... I'm not doubting my faith. I'm having a hard time trusting God, which is very different. Like I believe that God exists and that he is who he is, but I'm having a hard time trusting him DESPITE the fact that I know he has nothing but love and compassion for me and desire for me to reach to him and grow. It's a soul versus spirit thing.

Thank you all for your responses, by the way, especially thesaj; you really encouraged me. I didn't expect that to happen but it did -- sometimes words have more power coming from someone other than your ownself.

And I know that God has a completely different view on my life -- he sees me as I was, am, and will be, and he sees all events as growing experiences, not necessarily right or wrong (unless they are against the 10, of course). He doesn't condemn me for not living to my potential (which is the thing I feel most displeased with myself about right now). He has given me so much power and I'm wasting it -- not singing, not dancing, not praying, not worshipping. For whatever reason, that makes me feel helpless. Like because I'm wasting it now, I will just continue to waste it forever.

Also I feel somewhat helpless because I can't pick what church service I go to, so I usually have to end up going to the one whose worship bores me. It is very hard for me to open up my soul and offer praise when they sing the same short songs over and over and over and over and over. 30 minutes of worship, and we sing like four songs. We ought to at least sing seven... and we need some battle songs, not all nicey-nice stuff. We're in a war here, boost my fucking morale, okay??? Sing "Days of Elijah" once in a while, or "Awesome God" -- something we can shout to! But -- yay! This Saturday I get to go to the 5:00 service! Where they have awesome stomping worship! (and I get to see Paula and Spencer and Risa too!)

feelings: determined
sounds: "Days of Elijah" in my head
connecting:

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Comments
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
I'm glad you're feeling better....honestly, I usually avoid offering pearls of wisdom on religious subjects because I just don't feel I can ever understand where a person is coming from on such topics. Religion is so subjective, I have a hard time finding the defining lines in people's faith (which can be particularly difficult when it comes to the many many MANY forms of Christianity out there.) I hope you never misconstrue my silence on such subjects as not caring, because you always have my best thoughts and wishes. :-)
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Thank you, and it is quite understandable.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
There's a reason I usually comment with something as stupid and flaky as *huggles*: I don't know how to say anything I want to say to any of this online without it sounding totally stupid, condescending, and trite.

So, all I can say, at the risk of just sounding callous, which isn't at all how I mean it, is "Welcome to the club, babe."

"Boost my fucking morale..." oh, how well I identify with THAT...most people's idea of worship is so fucking boring.
giggling
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
Hey, I'm the president of this damn club. ;-)
stiletto
scourge ══╣stiletto╠══
but I'm having a hard time trusting him DESPITE the fact that I know he has nothing but love and compassion for me and desire for me to reach to him and grow. It's a soul versus spirit thing.

Sadly, i know this feeling well. I've read it many times thru the years about 'everything to him in prayer', but honestly, I don't like to 'bother' God with small day to day things. He better than anyone knows what things you can handle (you shall not be tested beyond your measure) and what things you can't. So, to me, unless something is towering over me, seemingly overwhelming....I rarely pray about things. It says that "to him that has much (faith), much shall be given....and to he that has not, from him such as he has shall be taken away". Showing that you can do much with what you have, you stand to increase it greatly.....whereas doing nothing with what you have, even that shall be taken from you. I envision it (for me) that I must be able to handle somethings myself with seemingly giving up and just asking God to deal with it. I don't imagine its like that for everyone...just the rules i go by for me.

I once spent a good deal of time in the company of a lady in Hong Kong (although she was British)...and she made the statement that she couldn't believe in a non-interventionalist God (or rather, that she couldn't believe that God was non-interventionalist, not that he didn't exist). I suppose that it comes back to "you can feel the wind, but you can't see it. " or along that line of thinking.

In short, I guess what I'm poking around at is....If you didn't stumble and fall, you wouldn't really know what it is to be able to walk. If you just walked from the first time you tried it...it would just be the 'way things were'. But you know the difference now between stubling / falling and walking because you've done both. Perhaps this is just a time to remind you that you have learned how to walk. 8)

I know i'm prolly sounding alot like mindless babble....I have clear ideas in my head, they just sometimes translate to words poorly. *hugs* All manner of things will be well.
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
I understand how you can feel that way... but personally I've never worried that I might bother him with my prayers. I can feel his pleasure that I'm giving him my attention (unless all I'm doing is saying "Hi God, I want this, thanks, amen").

The most important reason that I pray is because I know it brings us closer. I yearn for the day when we will be able to easily have conversation -- and even though I've had bits and pieces of that, I don't think I'll be able to get it again until I am healed enough to start trusting him.

One of my favorite verses is "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." What that verse says to me is -- if I commit myself to look to him for guidance, then regardless of whether or not I get a clear answer, the decision I make will be the right one. Checking with him is a small price to pay to make all right decisions.... yet I forget that all the time and either don't pray, or do pray and yet worry. So that's the second reason that I (unless I'm emotionally tangled like now) pray.

....but right now, I can't trust him because, simply put, I'm in a lot of pain that he didn't prevent, and he's omnipotent, so I feel he could have, even though I know that goes against the rules that he set for this world.
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I loved your walking metaphor... and honestly, I think the problem was that I was in a wheelchair all my life and never used my legs, amd now that I'm learning to use them, they're so atrophied that it's incredibly painful to even try, and I can't even go one step without falling. I need to hold his hand, but I'm afraid to, 'cause last time I did, I got jerked away and slammed on the ground, and that hurt worse than mere falling.

(wow I took that metaphor and ran with it -- did you understand it?)
individuality ══╣╠══
I know this is completely out of place, but I was wondering and couldn't seem to find the answer on your info or site.. but what do you do for a living?
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Heh heh... well, I actually cashier at Wal-mart to make money... but for a living I make jewelry and model (just don't make enough money at those to justify not having a day job).
thesaj ══╣╠══
Thank you all for your responses, by the way, especially thesaj; you really encouraged me. I didn't expect that to happen but it did -- sometimes words have more power coming from someone other than your ownself.
[[[awwww..... (((((((HUGS)))))))) sometimes our ears listen better than our heart.]]]


"Also I feel somewhat helpless because I can't pick what church service I go to,"
[[[That's cause so few meet our needs. I used to go to one for worship, another for teaching and still a third for fellowship. If there is no one church in your region to meet all your needs. Than attend two. After all....we're the Church of Christ not the Church of Paul, Barnabas, Luther, or Method. "Who was this guy named Method anyways?" *lol* ;) ]]]
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Well, my (interdenominational) church is by far the best (that I've ever visited), and we have the second best worship I've ever tasted (the best was in an tiny all-black church); but we have 6 services (same sermon, different worship leaders) and some have better worship than others. Actually, pretty much all services have better worship than the Sunday 6:00, maybe because everyone's tired and dull by then.

When I can, I'll go to a different service -- but sadly, the Sunday night one seems to work best for my supervisor. :-(
shespoke ══╣╠══
i hope getting the wrong impression on your post didn't offend you too much.

on another note, i wish that i coud find a church service that inspired me more. going to one and feeling bored really makes me just leave feeling empty inside.
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
oh, no, I wasn't offended at all, don't worry.

Yeah, I love my church so much but the worship in that particular service just doesn't reach me. (my church has 6 services every weekend, 1 friday, 2 saturday, 3 sunday) But Pastor John's sermons make it worth going anyway.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.