Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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previous & current soul friendships / forgiving / yay! birthday packages!

I feel incredibly ambivalent about yesterday's post. The first group of responses really surprised me -- I didn't think people would get offended by it, as some seemed to be. The second half made me happy.

Just to clarify -- there is only one person in my life right now that I am ready to offer soul-friendship to, and I'm not sure if she is or not yet, and she's not someone I know purely through LJ. So if you felt that I wanted you to make that kind of commitment to me right now, don't worry, I'm not asking. I don't feel that I have bonded with any of you sufficiently to offer that yet. I think I'd have to meet you in person first, just because I'd need that solidity.

Soul friendships can end, because they are a process for most people, and sometimes one person gets so uncomfortable with that process that they end it, through withdrawing or storming out.

I have had them before, and yes, with each one I asked them to.

My best friend (for years, but no longer) and I had that when I was merely 15... it ended after four years because I discovered that she'd been wearing a mask, unbeknownst to both of us; she wasn't comfortable being nakedly honest with herself and me, which made me no longer comfortable being that with her. Before then though, she was the only person who had never ever judged me, and I will always remember that. That friendship taught me so much... I'm forever grateful to God for setting it up and to Rebecca for living it with me and loving me.

Ben and I began our soul-friendship three years ago. Because his love is so incredible, he stuck through the process (which I had begun to learn with Rebecca and finished learning with Ben), and I think he is now one of the rare ones who is able to give soul-friendship. He's much more cautious than I though. My soul-friendship with Ben taught me to forgive -- not because he did anything really bad, but just because I had never forgiven the right way before. I'd always forgiven begrudgingly, with a string still attached so I could snatch up the grievance if I needed ammo in a fight. I realized I didn't want to do that with Ben, I didn't want to store things in my heart that did nothing but hurt me and him. So I tried forgiving freely, and lo and behold, it demolished a little of my pride and left me vulnerable, but it felt SO damn good, and it wasn't really that hard. When you trust someone, it isn't that hard to forgive them because you don't need to be able to inflict guilt on them. You can just let it go.

I had it for a few short months with my beloved Kaylene -- you have no idea how much I love that girl. The process of trusting, plus a ton of horribly stressful life happenings, caused her to slip out of my life. Yes, it hurt like hell when she left, but since I had learned how to forgive, and because I knew that she left out of fear, not lack of love, I didn't hold a grudge against her. That amazes me really, because it would have demolished me a few years ago and I'd have hated her and never wanted to see her again... now though, I treasure those months when she was my spirit-sister, and I look forward to the time (that I firmly believe will come) when she will be ready. She's such an incredible person, so passionate and just fascinatingly beautiful on the inside. Oh, and when I asked her (I was so nervous I felt like I was asking her to marry me), she said yes, and that she had been considering asking me that but hadn't had the guts. (haha, I just realized that makes me more gutsy than Kaylene! (in one way, anyhow) I'm impressed!)


On a completely unrelated note, my present from clown_frog came in the mail today!!!!!!!! YAY!!! And she wrapped it all pretty in purple, starred paper. (stars are my favorite shape, btw, and I dot my i's with them) It's a geode with a nearly-vivid-violet layer and lavender sparkly crystals on the inside... I'm putting it on my beading desk right in the middle, for inspiration. Thank you, wonderful girl!

And yesterday I got my Massive Attack cd "100th Window" (a present from Ben) in the mail; I've been listening to it nearly non-stop. Last night I set up candles in the bathroom and took a long, long shower, washing my hair and dancing in the water to the sounds of acid jazz. There's nothing sexier than that -- I felt so me (yet tenuously so; the door was locked).
Tags: allison, b - ex-partner, ex-in-laws, giving, kate, lj friends, rebecca, soulfriendship

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