Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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wishing I could stop hiding altogether.... (spencer/paula)

I wish I had the guts to give Spencer the link to my journal (Paula's not an option because she's almost completely computer illiterate, and never gets online). But his opinion is the second most important opinion in my heart... and I'm so afraid. Afraid that he won't understand or won't approve, or will be freaked out by just how much I love him and Paula and Gabe and William and my babygirl. Mostly the latter, I think, since everyone seems to think that I love them because I have the ulterior motive of being able to 'prove' that I'm not racist (which I don't believe, by the way, I know I still have subconscious prejudices that I need to get over, and there is a lot about the black american culture that I just don't know). I've never actually talked about race with Spencer, though I have with Paula and Gabe, and he has joked about it around me.

Damn, I'm crying. I didn't think I felt so strongly about this.

They don't know I do artistic nude modeling either, and even though I think Spencer might understand, he might not... and he might tell Paula, who has very VERY particular ideas about what is Proper and what is Not. And she gets to decide how involved in their family I am, so if she decides I'd be a bad influence on Risa, it's bye-bye Kristen. (now I'm just feeling sorry for myself)

But I hate this. I hate not knowing if they'd accept me for who I really am, and they're the only mentor types besides my Uncle Bob who've ever come close. Especially Spencer. I know I was a crazy thing when I first moved in with them, probably really obvious in how scared of Spencer I was (due to people telling me all my life that black men were extra-sexual and I'd better be very careful)... but I never felt anything less than approved of by Spencer (except that one time when I told him I'd take out the garbage and I forgot; oh my gosh I felt so irresponsible and lazy, and you better believe that stuck in my mind). So what if he learns who I really am, all my facets, and... thinks ill of me. Or just disapproves. And that tenuous connection I have with the family I love so desperately is shattered.

I miss them so much... so so sossosososososoooooooo much. I try not to think about them, because when I do, this is what happens. I turn into a little fountain of tears and pain, so much aching for inclusion in their lives. I miss my little brother Gabe! I miss our long talks; he's so wise for his inexperience (the momma's boy that he's always been). I miss Paula. Once we fell asleep holding hands... now we never talk, 'cause she's busy and she's not one to reach out and I know (because she told me so) that all she wants is a casual friendship, where we smile at each other if we meet, hang out once or twice a year, that sort of thing. So where do I get the motivation to reach to HER? And William, well, he intimidates me because I don't understand him. He lives in a completely different world -- he's a 15-year-old black teenage boy, I'm a 22-year-old married white woman. We don't know what to say to each other and half of the time I think he disdains me -- because his older sister and mother (not Paula) kinda do. They're rather anti-white, from what I've gathered. Maybe just separatist. Whatever. Nonetheless, I love him and am so proud of him. He's going to win a gold in the junior olympics this year, I know it (he's a very talented and dedicated runner). And even though he tries so hard to hide it, he's incredibly loving. I saw it when Paula was pregnant with Risa, and I saw it when he held babygirl. She was the completion of the Paula/Spencer family, the blending of genes that finally welded the family. imissmylittlesister.......... She's so small, so very young, and yet she has such a grip on my heart... I feel like I helped carry her. In a way, I did -- for the three months before she was born I visited Paula nearly every day, helping her because she was on bedrest. One of my favorite memories is when Paula's grandmother said to me, "That's your baby" -- about Risa. Paula was startled and maybe a little offended; she said, "What?" and then her grandmother amended her statement -- "That's your baby too." I felt so grateful to Grandma Tiny for saying that, and it resonated as truth. She's spiritkin to me -- that whole family is and always will be, regardless of how they feel about me.

I had to fight myself to keep this open... 'cause there are people I know irl (who have popped into my lj from time to time) who I don't especially want to share all this with. Openness beat fear.
Tags: clothesfree, race, wynnes

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