November 2017
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wishing I could stop hiding altogether.... (spencer/paula)


I wish I had the guts to give Spencer the link to my journal (Paula's not an option because she's almost completely computer illiterate, and never gets online). But his opinion is the second most important opinion in my heart... and I'm so afraid. Afraid that he won't understand or won't approve, or will be freaked out by just how much I love him and Paula and Gabe and William and my babygirl. Mostly the latter, I think, since everyone seems to think that I love them because I have the ulterior motive of being able to 'prove' that I'm not racist (which I don't believe, by the way, I know I still have subconscious prejudices that I need to get over, and there is a lot about the black american culture that I just don't know). I've never actually talked about race with Spencer, though I have with Paula and Gabe, and he has joked about it around me.

Damn, I'm crying. I didn't think I felt so strongly about this.

They don't know I do artistic nude modeling either, and even though I think Spencer might understand, he might not... and he might tell Paula, who has very VERY particular ideas about what is Proper and what is Not. And she gets to decide how involved in their family I am, so if she decides I'd be a bad influence on Risa, it's bye-bye Kristen. (now I'm just feeling sorry for myself)

But I hate this. I hate not knowing if they'd accept me for who I really am, and they're the only mentor types besides my Uncle Bob who've ever come close. Especially Spencer. I know I was a crazy thing when I first moved in with them, probably really obvious in how scared of Spencer I was (due to people telling me all my life that black men were extra-sexual and I'd better be very careful)... but I never felt anything less than approved of by Spencer (except that one time when I told him I'd take out the garbage and I forgot; oh my gosh I felt so irresponsible and lazy, and you better believe that stuck in my mind). So what if he learns who I really am, all my facets, and... thinks ill of me. Or just disapproves. And that tenuous connection I have with the family I love so desperately is shattered.

I miss them so much... so so sossosososososoooooooo much. I try not to think about them, because when I do, this is what happens. I turn into a little fountain of tears and pain, so much aching for inclusion in their lives. I miss my little brother Gabe! I miss our long talks; he's so wise for his inexperience (the momma's boy that he's always been). I miss Paula. Once we fell asleep holding hands... now we never talk, 'cause she's busy and she's not one to reach out and I know (because she told me so) that all she wants is a casual friendship, where we smile at each other if we meet, hang out once or twice a year, that sort of thing. So where do I get the motivation to reach to HER? And William, well, he intimidates me because I don't understand him. He lives in a completely different world -- he's a 15-year-old black teenage boy, I'm a 22-year-old married white woman. We don't know what to say to each other and half of the time I think he disdains me -- because his older sister and mother (not Paula) kinda do. They're rather anti-white, from what I've gathered. Maybe just separatist. Whatever. Nonetheless, I love him and am so proud of him. He's going to win a gold in the junior olympics this year, I know it (he's a very talented and dedicated runner). And even though he tries so hard to hide it, he's incredibly loving. I saw it when Paula was pregnant with Risa, and I saw it when he held babygirl. She was the completion of the Paula/Spencer family, the blending of genes that finally welded the family. imissmylittlesister.......... She's so small, so very young, and yet she has such a grip on my heart... I feel like I helped carry her. In a way, I did -- for the three months before she was born I visited Paula nearly every day, helping her because she was on bedrest. One of my favorite memories is when Paula's grandmother said to me, "That's your baby" -- about Risa. Paula was startled and maybe a little offended; she said, "What?" and then her grandmother amended her statement -- "That's your baby too." I felt so grateful to Grandma Tiny for saying that, and it resonated as truth. She's spiritkin to me -- that whole family is and always will be, regardless of how they feel about me.

I had to fight myself to keep this open... 'cause there are people I know irl (who have popped into my lj from time to time) who I don't especially want to share all this with. Openness beat fear.

feelings: aching
sounds: Massive Attack: "Small Time Shot Away"
connecting: , ,

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Comments
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
I suppose that what you might want to think about is: would showing my journal improve the relationship? Or is it more likely to have a bad effect, and would that be worth it?

Obviously paula and spencer mean a lot to you ("a lot" doesn't sound strong enough even). Which is why you want them to see all your sides, know everything about you. You just need to think about whether they would want that, or whether them knowing some of these things would damage your relationship.

I suppose I mean something like, you can know someone's character, you can know what they are like and what they would do, and maybe those things aren't what you would do, you disaprove of some of them. So you put that knowledge to the back of your mind maybe, and love them anyway, because you know they are a good person (even though you suspect that they would do things that you would disaprove of). But then if they went up to you and told you everything, all that they did, you might retreat, you might have to. Even though you can accept it as a part of them, sort of subliminally, you wouldn't want it said. When I say you, I don't mean you specifically, but the general kind of you.

Because you haven't shown your journal, or told them about your modelling, does not mean they don't know you, what you are like, and love you. Perhaps it would be better not to show them, if you think they would find these things strange when spoken of (the love) or disapprove of anything.

I know my dad loves me a lot, as a parent, but I still would feel awkward and retreat if he actually said much about it. I do, when he does tell me. Maybe it's like that?

I think you know all that anyway though, but you still want to be completely open, even though it might not be a good idea, and might not be possible. Which is why it is so upsetting. Different people love in different ways though, that's how it is. Just about everyone (maybe absolutely everyone) has fixed lines that can't be crossed, cut off points, most relationships need some kind of shuffling and... I've forgotten the word..., whatsit, to sort work out where the lines have to be, how much can be given on both sides. Think maybe the best friendships are between people who have very similar cut-off points, so neither one has to hold back. I don't know if I'm making any sense here at all, I can't find any of the right words to explain it.

belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I think you know all that anyway though, but you still want to be completely open, even though it might not be a good idea, and might not be possible. Which is why it is so upsetting.
How is it that you always read me so well? I love that.

Think maybe the best friendships are between people who have very similar cut-off points, so neither one has to hold back.

Absolutely, I completely agree (and that's why I've been searching for someone with a matching cut-off point, if I do in fact have one (don't think so)).
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.