November 2017
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wishing I could stop hiding altogether.... (spencer/paula)


I wish I had the guts to give Spencer the link to my journal (Paula's not an option because she's almost completely computer illiterate, and never gets online). But his opinion is the second most important opinion in my heart... and I'm so afraid. Afraid that he won't understand or won't approve, or will be freaked out by just how much I love him and Paula and Gabe and William and my babygirl. Mostly the latter, I think, since everyone seems to think that I love them because I have the ulterior motive of being able to 'prove' that I'm not racist (which I don't believe, by the way, I know I still have subconscious prejudices that I need to get over, and there is a lot about the black american culture that I just don't know). I've never actually talked about race with Spencer, though I have with Paula and Gabe, and he has joked about it around me.

Damn, I'm crying. I didn't think I felt so strongly about this.

They don't know I do artistic nude modeling either, and even though I think Spencer might understand, he might not... and he might tell Paula, who has very VERY particular ideas about what is Proper and what is Not. And she gets to decide how involved in their family I am, so if she decides I'd be a bad influence on Risa, it's bye-bye Kristen. (now I'm just feeling sorry for myself)

But I hate this. I hate not knowing if they'd accept me for who I really am, and they're the only mentor types besides my Uncle Bob who've ever come close. Especially Spencer. I know I was a crazy thing when I first moved in with them, probably really obvious in how scared of Spencer I was (due to people telling me all my life that black men were extra-sexual and I'd better be very careful)... but I never felt anything less than approved of by Spencer (except that one time when I told him I'd take out the garbage and I forgot; oh my gosh I felt so irresponsible and lazy, and you better believe that stuck in my mind). So what if he learns who I really am, all my facets, and... thinks ill of me. Or just disapproves. And that tenuous connection I have with the family I love so desperately is shattered.

I miss them so much... so so sossosososososoooooooo much. I try not to think about them, because when I do, this is what happens. I turn into a little fountain of tears and pain, so much aching for inclusion in their lives. I miss my little brother Gabe! I miss our long talks; he's so wise for his inexperience (the momma's boy that he's always been). I miss Paula. Once we fell asleep holding hands... now we never talk, 'cause she's busy and she's not one to reach out and I know (because she told me so) that all she wants is a casual friendship, where we smile at each other if we meet, hang out once or twice a year, that sort of thing. So where do I get the motivation to reach to HER? And William, well, he intimidates me because I don't understand him. He lives in a completely different world -- he's a 15-year-old black teenage boy, I'm a 22-year-old married white woman. We don't know what to say to each other and half of the time I think he disdains me -- because his older sister and mother (not Paula) kinda do. They're rather anti-white, from what I've gathered. Maybe just separatist. Whatever. Nonetheless, I love him and am so proud of him. He's going to win a gold in the junior olympics this year, I know it (he's a very talented and dedicated runner). And even though he tries so hard to hide it, he's incredibly loving. I saw it when Paula was pregnant with Risa, and I saw it when he held babygirl. She was the completion of the Paula/Spencer family, the blending of genes that finally welded the family. imissmylittlesister.......... She's so small, so very young, and yet she has such a grip on my heart... I feel like I helped carry her. In a way, I did -- for the three months before she was born I visited Paula nearly every day, helping her because she was on bedrest. One of my favorite memories is when Paula's grandmother said to me, "That's your baby" -- about Risa. Paula was startled and maybe a little offended; she said, "What?" and then her grandmother amended her statement -- "That's your baby too." I felt so grateful to Grandma Tiny for saying that, and it resonated as truth. She's spiritkin to me -- that whole family is and always will be, regardless of how they feel about me.

I had to fight myself to keep this open... 'cause there are people I know irl (who have popped into my lj from time to time) who I don't especially want to share all this with. Openness beat fear.

feelings: aching
sounds: Massive Attack: "Small Time Shot Away"
connecting: , ,

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Comments
thesaj ══╣╠══
It's really sad...

Because I remember growing up in the early 80's and the only thing I thought about black people was "eewww...their hair is greasy...don't touch their hair" and that was cause it was that whole greased style at the time.

But I remember being taught basketball from a young black man. I remember growing up with police academy . We had Worf. It was like race was not really important. And to those who it was...they were just screwed up.

Now there is all this anger and revenge. Everything MLK worked for has been lost since the 90's. And blame and anger is once again directed solely based on the color of one's skin.

It is so sad...

I've been called names, beaten up, attacked, forced to move my seat on a city bus, all for the color of my skin. Why? Because I am white-skinned.
Now, it didn't matter that I'm of immigrant descent. Or that my great-grandfather came over during WWI...long after slavery. Nor did it matter that like many african-americans, us italian-americans were often refused jobs, not allowed to eat in various restaurants, etc. That when it came time to build projects and reperations decades ago....it my ancestors land that was taken away, stolen, for such causes. But I am accused by people who were never victims for the abuse done to their ancestors supposedly by my ancestors who were not even around to conduct the abuse.

I've watched as a van full of blacks pulled up alongside a young asian student and harassed and threatened to beat him up. Simply...because he was asian. I've watched blacks make some of the most uncouth and cruel racial comments I've ever heard to asian workers in Chinese Take-Outs. Not even caring that many of those workers are in fact slaves. I've watched asian immigrants be restricted from buying a building for their new business by the black political community.

I am left wondering....what the asian community has ever done to the black or hispanic communities, except excell in an environment that supposedly has great prejudice to the other minorities for their skin-color and language....while having the problems of both the hispanics (language) and african-americans (skin coloring). Is that a reason to show abuse? Or proof that success can be had.

Now...I could, and rightly so, hold judgment on all of these issues. But...I choose not too. I choose not to hold onto the hate. But I reached a point some years ago in which I will no longer tolerate the panderings of the black rights(racism) movement. I am and do greatly support the civil rights and equality for all movement. I will fight tooth and nail, even die, so that you can be respected as a human being regardless of race.

- The Saj*

*The views expressed in this post do not necessarily represent the views of the owner of this journal nor the poster.




eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
I know exactly what you're talking about....

I don't speak with much of my family, but those that I DO are my Filipino family. My uncle was an immigrant back before the civil rights movement, and he's told me all the stories...people seem to forget that those rules of segregation were for COLORED people, not just BLACK people. I don't like when a group takes on an entire instance and claims it as theirs alone, when it belongs to many more people than they ever give credit to. I hate seeing young black people who haven't experienced prejudice first-hand (not to say they won't or can't, just that they HAVEN'T) speaking of the prejudice against them, while not allowing non-blacks who actually LIVED THROUGH IT (like my uncle) to say the same thing.

A key difference, though, is that my uncle fought back against the prejudices and made a success of himself. He chose to not let racism taint his heart, and in fact ended up marrying a white woman. He still doesn't believe in afirmative action or anything of the like, though he believes in EQUALITY.

This whole subject hits close to home for me, because it's directly affected my life. My husband was going to be a Baltimore City police officer, but they have an affirmative action rule: since the city is 85% black, the police force must be, too. Regardless of the fact that he's a city resident (and I have been my whole life, by the way) he wasn't the right skin color to join the force. No more whities allowed.

I don't like that our country is trying to swing so drastically in the other direction. All it does is breed more hatred...elevating ANYONE never does any good, the goal should be to make us all equals. :-/
thesaj ══╣╠══
I would very much enjoy encountering your uncle...seems like a strong man.

"the breeding of hatred allows the elites to conduct their behaviors and go unnoticed by giving them the ability to point to race, it prevents us from working together by placing a wedge of hatred between what could be mutual understanding"

on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.