Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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I'm loved! (birthday presents) / incoherent wondering about Ashy

Well, Rebecca called me this morning and made me get my cozy self out of bed and put clothes on (well, she said I didn't have to, but it was cold) so that she could come over... and bring me presents!

PURPLE (and dragonfly!) presents! (this is going to be such a good year, I think) A lavender basket, a awesome pale violet clear glass vase, 2 bags of assorted purple beads (including some vivid violet ones!), a dragonfly bobbly (one of those that you stick in a plant), silver dragonfly beads, iridescent dragonfly stickers, and a violet umbrella (extra awesome because I owned no umbrella)!

She also brought a present from Miss K (a crystal candleholder that looks like a very sharp abstracted lily) and a present 'from the whole family' (a gift certificate to Borders and an offer to take me shopping for new shoes ('cause my current ones are so old and near-dead)). Yay! I felt loved (but confused because I thought they were faithful to B&N, forsaking all others, hee hee).

Then BEN got me presents! He went to get Sylvia's new tag, so she's legal, and then we proceeded to drive her all over the place. We were going to this store that sells used jeans and khakis (need work pants) but they were closed, so we went to Ross, and I got work clothes (and the pants look so sexy on me!), a swirly-colored-textured top, a top with vivid violet on it, and.... here's the amazing part -- two skirts that look fantastic on me and are comfortable! (with such short legs, I usually don't look good in skirts unless they're naughty (uncomfortable) or floor-length (impossible to find)) I might very well post photos later. And today was actually a good day to try on clothes -- I felt sexy-pretty instead of depressed, 'cause my tummy's pretty today.

Then we went to El Ranchero and had a lovely dinner (left a very large tip because Ben was feeling so wealthy, and the service was good), talking about things other than WOW or weaponry, for the most part.

Dropped by the Coffeehouse, had UNBELIEVABLY yummy coffee (I want that cinnamon syrup they put in mine)...

Went to Wal-mart for a 'shopping spree' (Ben declared that I did not spend enough money. "This isn't over" he said)... I bought lots of little things, so I won't list 'em all -- I'll just tell you that I got the Friends Season 6 DVD set and a pair of vivid violet hairsticks!

You'd think I'd be purpled out, but I'm so not.


Oh yeah, and then alariya called me back and we talked on the phone for about two hours... She's the one I'm considering being soulfriends with right now. I'm very tangled in spirit about it right now, not in a bad way, just in an incoherent way. I do know that she's wonderful and I love her... but it's so hard for me to believe that she loves me. I get so caught up in 'why?' that I can't think. I just keep on and on in twisted knotted circles, thinking wow!-NO! but maybe... but it can't be... but do I even want this? Do I have the strength to pour myself out again? I had no idea that I might not be ready to love like that with a new person. I've known of her for years but never known her, so she seems new to me. I really only know snippets about her. WHY?dammit! What does she see in me?

I'd want to be friends with me -- but I'm a weirdo, I like very unusual and passionate people. Why the hell isn't she scared of me? It scares me, yes, scares me that she admires me. I want to believe it so badly, but my self is screaming no one's ever chased you down -- and aren't you supposed to flee like a startled cat when someone adores you? It's all I know, to fear (or disbelieve) intense love.

Can't believe I'm reacting this way. Guess I'm not as unique as I thought... I'm disappointed in myself.
Tags: ashe, b - ex-partner, ex-in-laws, rebecca, soulfriendship

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