Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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call from biorents -- now I'm pissy and determined.

I plan to go back and post about yesterday, because it was awesome, but right now I'm too upset... and I have to get up early.

My bioparents called. First my mom was upset because I never call them, and then when I tried to honestly and gently explain why, she got very upset and defensive and told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Then my dad got on the phone and was just incredibly cold and proud... and last time I talked to him he was so humble and even willing to change. Apparently he recently had an encouraging experience, which he took to mean that he's good enough the way he is and he doesn't need to change or make up for the way he's acted in the past. It was such a drastic change that I got rather upset. I didn't understand why he had changed until I checked my email later and read about the experience he'd had and put two and two together.

Y'know what? I'm not pussyfooting around the issues for their sake anymore. Just because they are going through a hard time doesn't mean I should pretend to be all happy-with-them when I'm very not. And you know what? I am not going to start a relationship with them (except Bethany and maybe --maybe Seth) until they start making an effort to change rather than just letting their circumstances have an effect on them. Yes, they've changed for the better (although now that some of the heat is off they seem to be changing back) but that can't be credited to them because they didn't want it, fought it all the way, and it doesn't seem to have had a lasting impact on them.

Yes. Effort to change. All they want me for right now is to make them feel good, and I ain't gonna do it. Next time they call, I will answer the phone, and I will tell them that I don't want to talk to them, and if they ask why, I will give a blunt answer. No more of this cowardly, passive-agressive avoidance and half-truths. When they want to know who I am (and accept me the way I am) and they want to admit that they were wrong (without provisos) and they want grow and learn (from me, yes, but more importantly counselors and God), then maybe we can start fresh. They insist on thinking that they have a good thing to built on, and thair foundation is shit and straw. They do not understand what makes good parents, and I'm not going to try to explain it to them. I've tried and it's pointless -- they have to be humble enough to admit that they might not have done it right, and then they have to seek the information themselves. I can't help them (except maybe by removing my slim bit of presence).

Also they're toxic to me and contact with them eats at my growth. I can't handle them until I'm a lot more healed than now.

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