May 2018
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ashley love / ben love / the destructive anger

I woke up so emotionally sick that my body was reacting -- I felt like I had to throw up and I could barely move, I had so little energy. Ben told me to call in sick, so I did (nervously, I always feel like they're going to yell at me), and he took care of me, cuddled me in bed and made me dinner, watched Friends with me... and then Ashley called, found out I felt ill and came right over to take care of me (no I didn't ask, and she didn't even offer, she just told me she was going to do it). She held me and petted my hair and we talked... I don't remember what about (I was really out of it). Then she decided to make dinner for us, and sent Ben to the store to get the stuff.

By the time she started dinner, she had snuggled me for over an hour, and given my weak spirit so much strength. I was laying on her legs for most of the time, and when I finally sat up, I felt about 20 pounds lighter. She has such a gift, her touch is so encouraging. Just the fact that I have an unashamed cuddle-buddy is so encouraging.

And she spoke my love language for sure when she dropped everything and came over just to love on me. Going out of your way for me is the thing that makes me feel the most loved (which is why I love to go out of my way for my friends). Physical touch is second. She gives me both, and in plenty.


Ben and I have been ironing our relationship a lot lately... the other day he got angry and acted destructive, and this time actually against something important to me (no, he didn't hit me or anything like that, it wasn't something that would upset everybody) and it made him realize that he really is very destructive when he's angry. He usually controls it, but this time he didn't, and he saw what I had seen all along. But it broke something in him to have been malicious like that, and he prayed, and he changed. I didn't think that it affected everyday life, but I have seen a difference in his spirit since then. He's much more open.

We also talked about the ways we show love... and we've both been guilty of showing love only in our own love language. He thought he was making me feel loved by complimenting me, watching friends/movies together, putting away his jacket (being a little neater), etc. And although that stuff is great, it fills like 15% of my needed-love quota. He feels loved when I just spend time in the same room, because he's a quality activities person -- proximity is a display of love. (he also feels loved when I do something for him or sincerely compliment him) But he was showing me love his way, and since his needed-love quota was pretty full, he assumed mine was. It wasn't, but I didn't really know that until Ashy started pouring tons of physical-touch and going-out-of-your-way love on me. So I finally realized that and expressed it to Ben, and he changed again; altered his way of thinking about going out of his way for me, and offered a commitment to pet me for at least five minutes every day.

He petted me today, stroking my hair, and he looked really honestly happy to do it. We stared into each other's eyes a lot, and I realized for the millionth time how amazingly beautiful he is.


A few years ago I noticed that I get depressed March and most of April... and then the day before March I'm emotionally/spiritually sick. Not a good start. It might not happen this year though. I can hope. I have no clue why that is... though it might simply be that I can't stand cold, and the longer it's not warm, the unhappier I get.

feelings: stronger
sounds: Fono: "Burn"
connecting: ,

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jedibubbles ══╣╠══
Sweetie, you might have Seasonal Depression (I think that's the technical term). I'm serious, it's an actual condition. Lots of people's bodies react poorly to the shorter daylight hours of Nov-April. (I'm mildly afflicted, generally around October when it first gets cold, dark, and nasty.)

Doctors recommend sun lamps, aka tanning, which is of course out of the question for those pale of melanin, so I just try to open my shades and let in a little sun on the clearest days.

Sorry I forgot to call back the other night; Dwyer and co left really late and I think that my body--apparently battling against the germs that I have now succumbed to--wanted contact with nothing more than my pillow and mattress.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
t'at's ok. I understand the whole needing-sleep thing. ;-)

yeah, I was wondering about the seasonal thing -- it might be the problem, and it might be that the weather is a subconscious trigger. Hoepfully I'll find out and get rid of this before next year!
mabels ══╣╠══
I hope youre feeling better today. Im glad you had such a wonderful friend to take care of you! Sounds like things with Ben are straightening out...its a very good thing you guys can communicate your feelings.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Thank you. I know, isn't it wonderful? I have the best male human God ever created (in my not-so-humble opinion).
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
i hope this march isn't too bad for you-- i know where you're at. i am so ready to put away my sweaters and start complaining because it's too hot. always better too hot than too cold!

in ref to jedibubbles comment:
the term is seasonal affective disorder (SAD) but usually people who suffer from this disorder get miserable closer to the beginning of the cold seasons and it lasts til it's warm. you could have some variation of it-- i'm not an expert by any means ;-) but i don't think SAD generally restrains it's effects until march. not sure though!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
damn right! I'd far rather be sweating than shivering!

And I suspect that SAD is not the problem; it could also be my subconscious connecting the weather with bad memories... I plan to bring that up at my next counseling session. Whatever the case, I feel pretty confident that it'll be gone by next year.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
o good. best of luck!!
thesaj ══╣╠══

Just some thoughts, I found that VitaminWater's "stress" drink has helped me through depression cycles on several occaisions. It's got a lot of vitamin B' I did some research and found that they suspect vitamin B6 might help with depression.

I am thinking that you should try going outside on a very bright day (get lots of sunlight) and either buy a few vitamin waters or take some B vitamins (particularly B6).

Sometimes we are NOT as insane as we think we feel...
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
hmmm... yes, I should look into some vitamins. I know I don't eat enough healthy food. :-( ah, the perils of being poor and hating cooking.
thesaj ══╣╠══
being poor usually results in healthier's the hate cooking.

although, I have just discovered fish. i used to hate fish. but for the last two years i've been finally liking it. it's pretty easy to cook.

i got nice cod loins and just ground up some wheat thins (added cayenne pepper, and a few other spices) and fried it up.


inode_finder ══╣╠══
heal fast
hope you are better...
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: heal fast
thank you. It was a lot better the next day, and after that I haven't been feeling depressed. So far so good!
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
I'm glad he made the effort for you. :-)
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
*corny alert* I'm glad you're glad. ;-)
angeleyes831 ══╣╠══
I hope you are feeling better. I hate feeling ill and down. I think the information you have gotten on SAD is good, the best thing you can do is get a sun lamp. It will make you feel tons better. I think it says a lot Ben is willing to learn and change to better himself for you, it shows the strength of this love and commitment to your relationship. Keep in mind that goes both ways though...and I have to say mmmm, gotta love those pettings
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
Keep in mind that goes both ways though.
Oh, I do -- the difference between us is that I usually pry him for ways I can make him happier, and he kinda assumes things are good until I talk to him about something. I think we've changed about the same amount, though. He's become more open, I've become less antagonistic and rude. Before Ben, I didn't realize that stating my opinion without qualifiers can make some people feel like I think their opinion is worthless, and I didn't realize how much I yell and am mean when I'm angry. Now I'm more careful, and glad of it.
shespoke ══╣╠══
I feel so weak when I'm depressed as well. I think my body physically knows that I'm not mentally feeling well and kinda shuts down also. On the flip side, when I'm happy, even if I'm technically sick, I feel like my body can take more. There must be a real connection between the mind and body.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
There must be a real connection between the mind and body.
Oh, I absolutely believe that.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.