I used to be ashamed to cry. I'm still kinda ashamed to admit it here, in front of other people. I feel like it's weak, like I'm going to be judged as a wimp who can't handle life. But that is a LIE taught to me by people who didn't want to deal with the guilt and discomfort of me being unhappy; they wanted me to stifle my feelings so that they could feel like everything was fine. Crying is just as natural as laughter, dammit, and it is necessary for processing pain. I refuse to believe that it's weak; I choose to believe that it is a honest expression and worthy of as much honor as any other display of emotion. (of course, crying for reasons other than strong emotion is different)
Ashley and Kevin (a maybe-to-be-catholic and a born-catholic) went to my (very non-denominational) church today , but we were late and missed worship, and then there was a guest speaker, so they didn't even get to hear PJ preach. I was disappointed, but they agreed to come again next week, yay. ;-) Then we went to my favorite mexican restaurant and then to my favorite coffeeshop ('cause Ashley loves to make me happy -- all her idea) and then came back and -- played Boggle. And not just any Boggle, Deluxe Boggle with 25 letter cubes. And Ashley beat me, dammit, I'm used to winning. It was fun and I've decided that Kevin is worthy of Ashley -- he's very thoughtful and attentive and he makes her happy.
She dressed up (for me, she said) and looked beautiful -- I took pictures and I'm going to make her at least one red-headed icon.
While at church, I had Spencer and Paula pray for me about this counseling stuff, and they both prayed passionately, and I felt their love. It was healing for me, I rested in it and felt stronger. And I feel sure that Spencer (at least, probably Paula too, but she's very busy and kinda forgetful) will continue to pray for me, and that is encouraging. Oh, and one of those little things that delights me -- I hugged Paula when I saw her today, and she said, "Hey! I missed you last week!" and I knew that she was referring to when I tried to catch her attention but she was preoccupied -- Spencer saw though, and he must have told her.
PS. WHERE THE HELL DID anar_anar GO?
PPS. If you haven't, please fill out my would-you-listen-to-an-entire-mix-CD-of-m