April 2018
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As Ben would say, shitz0rs (or something like that, whatevah)


I feel like a two-week-old dirty diaper.

Ben and I have decided that I will quit working for a time, despite the fact that I really like my job, like my co-workers, like having extra money, and am due for a raise in about a week. There are just things that are more important -- becoming a healthy human being is one of those. But I am so torn... I need to do this, but I don't want to. And yes, I need to do it now.

So I meant to talk to Polly about it today, but she wasn't there, so I'll have to try to do it tomorrow. I'm still going to get my social security thing fixed on thursday, because it needs to get done... this is so upsetting. Why? We aren't in a financial bind for once, thanks to Ben's bonus and the tax refund we just got (which is a sign that makes me a little more convinced that this is the right thing to do)... it's just my whole fear-of-being-useless thing. And there's helplessness in not making money. And all the questions I'm bound to get. Because I don't think you can understand this unless you've gone through it. Apparently I have also decided not to use complete sentences anymore. Anyway.

What if I'm making a huge mistake? But what's so huge about quitting a small-pay part-time job anyway?

please don't advise me not to quit, a lot of thinking and praying has gone into this decision and I'm second-guessing it enough already.
Also, thank you so much for your encouragement, Jason, Kyra, Peter, Sarah Anne, and Kate. It meant a lot to me, I will respond later.

feelings: distressed
sounds: Cake: "You Turn The Screws"

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Comments
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
strong
belenen ══╣strong╠══
Thank you. and God is awesome. and I will learn to trust him.
shaybe ══╣╠══
i think its a good idea.... i have had to face things like that...like whether i can afford schhol right now... sometimes the hardest path is the one God has for you.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
sometimes the hardest path is the one God has for you

SO true! Thank you. *hugs*
kevloid ══╣╠══
I think you should. if you need the time and you can afford losing the income, why not? it's not like another part-time job won't come along - you might even get this one back when you're ready.
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
thanks for the vote of confidence. ;-)
kevloid ══╣╠══
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
*snuggle*

I am glad that you came to this decision, Bel. You'll be happier about this in the long run... and it shows trust to that you are willing to let Ben and God take complete care of you.

I love you.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I love you too, thank you for the support.
shespoke ══╣╠══
Since you know it's the right thing to do - DO IT.
A lot of things in life, we tend to put off, and I kinda understand a little bit about the dangers of putting off therapy.
I sometimes literally have to force myself to make appointments and even worse to keep them.
An example for me, would be how I decided to give up my weekend job. Yes, it's extra money, I liked the people, and I was due for a promotion.
But I had no time for myself, people around me, and it was my constant excuse as to why I wasn't going to therapy.
You're doing the right thing, and I for one, support you.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you. ♥

And I'm glad you took the initiative to give up your job too. ;-)
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
I know what you mean....

This winter, I decided that it was more important that, since I'm a full-time student, I keep my head clear for school and not over-stress myself. Last winter I tried to balance the school and full-time work thing, but it was right after we got married, and it's just so hard to never see your new husband. Plus, I already have a job set in stone for 6 months out of the year that usually goes way beyond full-time into severe over-time. Not getting a job this winter was hard, because Robert's still not making much money, and we needed it. But it helped keep me a little more sane, and allowed me to get through school (which I ended up dropping out of last winter because I was so stressed). You have to balance your priorities, and you're the only one who knows which ones are important.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Thank you. ;-)
thesaj ══╣╠══
People called me crazy when I quit my job over 5 yrs ago. I was a comp sci programmer at a dead end job and felt it was time to do so. (I had different reasons than you do.) But I did it...

For 6 months I continued school full time and then went job hunting. I got a new job and nearly doubled my income within a year's time. The result, the entire MIS department of my old job went "huh...if he can do that with no experience and we've got 10 yrs experience....*poof*....they all left too" *lol*

I share this, just to say sometimes radical actions that seem crazy to the world around us....are actually best for us.

I have a question, is there anything you've like doing or wanted to do. I mean a hobby. Crochet(sp?), model railroads, a flower garden....perhaps, during this time off (especially considering Spring is on the way), perhaps you should plant yourself a small flower garden. Pick flowers you'd like and tend them and help them grow. Perhaps you and the flowers could grow together. Maybe a garden is too much...maybe even just a flower box or two?

Just some thoughts...
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
sometimes radical actions that seem crazy to the world around us....are actually best for us.

Very true, and something I need to remind myself all the time.

Hobbies to do during my time off? Besides crying and praying, I plan to make a good bit of jewelry and try selling it on ebay (I've been telling myself that I'd try it for forever, and this time I'm gonna bite the bullet!). I'm also taking bellydancing and practicing during the week... and I'll read too. I just bought some new used books that I haven't read yet.

As for gardening, I am not a gardener... My parents always made me help them plant -- trees, flowers, vegetables. I didn't like it, to use a giant understatement. I do want to own and raise a cedar tree, but we haven't bought one yet. I keep forgetting.
thesaj ══╣╠══
faetal ══╣╠══
working on yourself is one of the most important jobs!
If you would like "work" while you're taking time off, why not sell the gorgeous earings you make? you could sell them online!, at craft shows, comission shops!
sheepish
aubkabob ══╣sheepish╠══
yay, it makes me so happy to see mah beautiful roommate in here :)
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
Full body
duchesse20 ══╣Full body╠══
Well, I'm not here to judge or to change your mind. The only thing I can say is you know what needs to be done for yourself. If you feel that quitting your job will help, then go for it! Take the time you need to fix whatever needs to be fixed in yourself or your life. ;)
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you!
darkpool ══╣╠══
I think it's a good idea, also, as long as you give your two weeks notice (which I'm sure you will) Walmart will most likely hire you back when you feel you can/ want to work again.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Thanks, and you're right. ;-)
aubkabob ══╣╠══
i'll support you in anything that you choose to do, wholeheartedly. i've known you long enough... well, maybe "long enough" isn't the correct terminology, mayhaps "deep enough"? to know that you don't do anything without great thought and spiritual insight.

i've always been big on signs (which is why i live here in vancouver instead of phoenix now... all signs..), so if that's what you're reading in the signs around you, by all means.. :)
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
Thank you, my friend. You make my heart melt. *hugggg*
kouhaataru ══╣╠══
Actually I wanted to say that I can acutely understand your problem since I've been through similar things. Well I've only had one job and it was 3 years ago or so now. But I am still quite a wreck and back then it was even worse. At least now my physical health is finally looking up which is what I've been focusing on. I do think that when I had a job it was a good experience for me, even if I never want to work retail again... well with six tattoos (soon to be eight) and the hair that I have (including my beard) I'm pretty unlikely to get that kind of retail job again anyway.

Also I think that if you feel it's something you need to do, it's not that big of a deal. I mean... as you said it's a small paying part-time job. You should be able to get another one sometime. I imagine that working at this point was a good experience for you, but if you need to focus on other things, and you have the oppurtunity to do that then you need to take it because you never know if you'll get it again.

I recently (as in at about 2:30 am MST today) decided that in life one must balance the contradictions in order to do well. So in other words the most important thing in your life is to achieve balance. Everything else will be difficult. And I've known for some time, because of something really arbitrary, that in one's actions timing is the most important thing. Well you could say it is in everything. So, in other words if you feel that this is the right time to achieve balance then of course that's what you have to do...

Should I have read the other comments first? Well sorry I didn't since I'm busy but I wanted to say that. I have to work through some issues right now myself and I was given the right support when I needed it so I felt like I had to try and do the same. I think that's one of the few things that I know from the bible that I actually follow. "Do unto others" or whatever.

later
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Thank you, reading your comment was encouraging. ;-)
sunshinepill ══╣╠══
I.. really really understand what you're going through as far as needing time to sort things out for yourself. i think i'm on my third month...and you can get seriously ansty, but you find out a lot of things about yourself.

good luck and lots of love.

*hugs*
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
*hugs tightly back*

Thank you, and you know I'm sending love and prayers your way too.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
Hi, I added you to my friends list and I left a message in the guestbook of your website. Beautiful site, BTW. I'd love it if you added me back but it's totally up to you.
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
I'll check out your journal for sure. ;-) Thank you!
angeleyes831 ══╣╠══
I support ya'lls decision, obviously there is a lot going on and as hard as it is to believe, God will provide for you doing His will. I hope this helps...just remember... Everything will be ok in the end. If it is not ok, it is not the end.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.