July 2018
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dancing passion / Patricia / missing Kaylene in a wistful way


The other day at bellydancing I was just so fucking clumsy and inept that I wanted to quit. I was going to go through with it anyway ('cause I can't stand being a quitter), but I had given up hope on it being fun, given up hope on being good at it. I started watching the clock hoping for class to be over.... anyway, after class I changed and went back to get my mat, and Patricia (did I mention that my counselor is also my bellydance teacher? yeah, she was a professional belly dancer for years) stopped me and told me I was doing really well -- I gave her a 'yeah, right' look and she insisted that I was, that I had improved a lot. I thought to myself, "improving from worthless to lousy isn't what I had in mind." Then she asked if I was okay, and I shook my head, so she took me in the other room and asked what was wrong.

I told her that I was upset that I couldn't do it, and tried to explain how I felt. My core, my 'true self,' the person that I am that has no name I know, the person that I was created to be, she is a dancer. She's incredible, when she dances it's felt in the spirit world. Her dancing is like praying, only more powerful... Or at least, that's what I think, that's what I hope. I can handle the idea that I am broken, and so that part of me does not work right now -- but the idea that that is not a part of me kills me. And that's my fear.

Now I know that some of my ineptitude is mere lack of training. But that's not all, I know it. There is something else holding me back -- either my body and my spirit aren't connecting right, or I simply suck at dancing. Both are incredibly painful -- but at least the first is fixable.

Patricia told me that I could come 30 minutes early and she'd work with me alone. !!! For free. And she hugged me and said she loved me.

I'm in danger of loving her, and I don't want to love her because I know I will get too attached and want to adopt her as my mother. I know I shouldn't, but my inner self doesn't give a shit about shouldn't. I never got to be a kid, I was a parent from the time I was 6 years old, and I want a parent, and I want to be a kid. Last session she tried to get me to let go and cry, she offered to hold me, and I knew it would help so much, but I couldn't. Because I would take it too much to heart.

--------

It was raining the other day, and I turned off all the lights and lay down on the floor with the front door open, watching the rain and wind and listening, breathing the soft little whirls of air... and I wished I had someone who would feel that with me, really feel it the way I was feeling it, live it. I know Kaylene would have, but I can't really imagine anyone else being able to. It made me miss her, but not in a painful way, just wistfully... I don't think anyone will ever fill the void she left in my life, and I don't want them to -- but I do want someone who can connect with me in some of the same places. Glisten, I miss you.

feelings: wistful
sounds: Portishead: "All Mine"
connecting: , , , ,

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Comments
unicorn
aubkabob ══╣unicorn╠══
egads, woman, we have SO got to meet. reading about you and the rain brought me to tears, seriously. no one around me gets weather, the emotions behind it. there is just so much emotional spirit behind wind and rain, specifically.

i get drenched all the time on the way to work, and people look at me as if i'm insane because i don't even slightly go through the effort of finding my umbrella, nor buying a new one. such a device would just seperate me from something that gives me such spiritual bliss.

and if that isn't exactly what you were talking about... *coughs and shuffles feet*.. it was still a fantastic emotional visual. thank you.

------------

to hear you talk about dancing and how your response is to dancing, is EXACTLY how i feel about myself and music. i know it's IN there, it's what i need to do, to be, what i'm meant to become.. yet i almost FEAR it, because when i pick up my guitar, i can't make it do what i want to, i can't get the emotions i'm feeling out in vocal form... as much as i know that practice will help it...
ethereal
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
On rain: we have similar feelings but not the same; I only like certain kinds of rain. If it's cloudy-gloomy or cold, rain depresses me... but sunlit rain or gentle nourishing rain makes me feel like flying. If I lived in a rainy tropical area, I'd never feel down -- unless I had to wear clothes. Fucking clothes.

Come play for me and I will dance. ;-)
aubkabob ══╣╠══
you've SO got a deal there!
shespoke ══╣╠══
Your therapist sounds amazing and like she really cares. Mine is so wonderful too. One time I really really needed her and she stayed late just to see me. I was so touched. We need more people like our therapists in that field. Because I hear of some therapists that really hurt more than help their clients. :(
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I'm glad you got a lovely one too. ;-)
evileve ══╣╠══
Something has kept me from calling her. I feel like she still needs quite a bit of growing up to do, and stuff to learn before she us ready for women like us to love her.
I don't think she will ever realize the impact that she had on us.
beautiful
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
I'm glad you understand.
pookerd ══╣╠══
Duckie, as far as the dancing goes, give it time, instant success only happens with lottery tickets. It took me 5 years of training to finally be a kick ass horse rider in the show arena. If it is something that you truly want then it will happen all in good time.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks. ;-)
abstractfish ══╣╠══
<3 "breathing the soft little whirls of air"

garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
darkpool ══╣╠══
Learning to dance, or play a sport, or play an instrument takes a long time. Don't worry if you can't do it all yet. In karate everybody sucks when they're a white belt, by the time they're a black belt, a lot fewer of them suck. But that takes at least three years.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks, I appreciate that.
anar_anar ══╣╠══
Bel my dear, I know how much it means to you, but I really do have to tell you that the MAJORITY of it is from the lack of training. You have to understand that it's not something easily picked up or just learned after a few weeks of lessons, you know? People that do know how to do this type of dance have either taken years of lessons or have grown up learning how to dance. Middle Eastern dancing is so different from any type of "American" dancing I've ever seen... Middle Eastern dancing isn't just crap made up as you go along, I mean, there are definite DANCES and MOVES, things you have to remember, funky ways you have to force your body to move... nobody is a real natural... EVERYONE has to work at it... so don't worry about it, and also, don't PUSH yourself... I can't remember ever getting really frustrated when I'd mess up while I was dancing... because of the mindset we have when we dance... it's not a competition or something we HAVE to know... it's just something that... is a part of hte culture. It doesn't matter if you mess up or you have a bad night, it's all for fun... so just have FUN with it, if you mess up that's okay, if you suck that's okay too, it'll all get better soon, don't worry about it.
artistic
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
thank you so much. Your opinion means a lot, 'cause obviously you know what you're talking about.

And yeah, I think my perfectionism is rearing it's ugly orange head again. I need to destroy that evil monster.
anar_anar ══╣╠══
And yeah, I think my perfectionism is rearing it's ugly orange head again. I need to destroy that evil monster.

It's an issue lots of people deal with, some struggle more than others, some have it worse than others... one step at a time my lady... It's been so amazing to watch you bloom and to still be following you in your process.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.