April 2018
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counseling -- trust, paula and spencer, forgiveness

so, I've been lousy at comments lately, sorry. I'll try to go back and respond some tomorrow...

Friday was my last day at work, but I don't feel like I've actually quit yet... Yvonne asked why I was quitting, and I explained, and she told me that she was also abused as a child... (this is everywhere, a widespread devestating disease that no one ever talks about. WHY?) She was very kind, she stayed and talked to me for a while until I got a steady flow of customers again. She also has been totally healed, she was able to sit through a thanksgiving dinner with her abuser (a relative) without fear or anxiety or anger... I have even more hope now that I know two people have been totally healed.

I had counseling Saturday, it was very very stressful. I don't feel like it was progress, but at the same time I do -- I was more open than before, I almost felt trusting enough to tell her about my modeling and my journal -- I feel sure she would approve, but that 5% doubt is enough to make me want to keep it from her. She's no 'religious' person, just someone who loves and follows God, but everybody has their hangups and her opinion matters a lot to me, to use drastic understatement, so I'm afraid to tell her. I feel like God thinks that both my modeling and my journal are fascinating and wonderful, but again, I have slight doubt, and I'm afraid to ask him, afraid to ask anyone who represents his voice in my life.

I think my heart is slowly pulling away from Paula and Spencer. It hurts to admit, but it is more than likely that they were just being kind, not trying to treat me like a daughter. And I'm trying to come to terms with that, trying to rearrange my feelings and ideas of them into a less distorted view... and thinking that they were just being nice, well, it makes it different. Not that they gave me less of a gift, just that the gift they gave was more temporary than I had thought. My baby Risa will always be in my heart, though... she's my spirit-kin. I can't explain the way I feel about her.

And of course, we talked about forgiving my dad. She told me that a wound that deep is too much for us to forgive on our own, that I have to let God do it through me, with me... it's too much for me to understand, right now. She said it is simple, just that simple, a one-time decision, but hard to do. I want to forgive him, just so I can be free from all the pain my unforgiveness is causing me, but at the same time I don't want to forgive him, because in many ways he thinks he's just fine and I don't want to support that belief in any way... I'm very bitter when it comes to him, I've faced that and it's true. I don't like being bitter and untrusting when it comes to authority figures. But she forgave her perpetrator, and I'm 99.99% sure that my dad never touched me in any impure way (he was always very careful and cautious about NOT doing so), so don't I have it easy in comparison? I'm not even forgiving my abusers yet, whoever they are. Why is it SO HARD to forgive him? I think partly because I don't feel like my pain has been validated, I feel like I can't forgive something if I'm not even sure if it's wrong or not, and of course my parents would tell me that I'm overreacting and that I'm imagining things. But I want to get it over with. Yet I want someone to say, "that's terrible, I understand why you are so hurt, that was wrong." There are so many many things... mostly just how he treated me like less than a human. And told me repeatedly that my feelings and thoughts didn't matter, "I don't care how you feel" -- that exact phrase, many times. And now he wonders why I don't want to talk to him.

"Where do I take this pain of mine
I run, but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout

So tear me open, but beware
The there's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me, 'till I'm clean....

feelings: crushed
sounds: Metallica: "Until It Sleeps"
connecting: , ,

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sidheblessed ══╣╠══
That's good that Yvonne was so nice and willing to listen to you. It's wonderful that's she's healed so well too!

I reckon your counsellor would approve. And rememebr - any counsellor that judges you isn't worth it!
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you! it was very encouraging.

I think she would approve too, and even if she didn't approve she wouldn't judge me... but I have never had good experiences with showing my 'unusual' side to older Christians, so I hestitate. Fear of being burned, you know?
shespoke ══╣╠══
I know what you mean about having that 5% of you decide for all of you not to tell someone something for fear of judgement. :/ I admire you for continuing on with your counseling. I'm sure if you keep working through this one day you will be one of those completely healed people as well. <3
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs* I think so too, even though sometimes it seems eons away...
x_forqet_me_not ══╣╠══
I think any wound can heal. When i first went to counseling i was afraid of being judged about everything. I didnt want to be open. But after i was, she could actually help me, she knew me. She didnt judge, she helped me to fix things and to look at things different. Now i love going to talk to her because i know w/e i say she wont judge me and tell me how horrible i am. I dont have to hide things with her or be afraid. Shes probably the only person in my life that i was just say things too.

i dont really know why i just said all that... sry for blabbling.

I hope things get better ♥
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
honestly, I feel certain that even if she didn't approve she wouldn't judge me... but I haven't had any good experiences with showing my 'unusual' sides to older people whom I respect, so I'm afraid to trust her... But I think in time I'll get over that enough, and I think it will REALLY help me heal when I do.
goleafs87 ══╣╠══
it's great that you have someone some wonderful and caring in your life. I know wounds take a long time to heal but given enough time and enough love any wound can heal. Just stick to those that love you and want to help you, it also sounds like you have a pretty deep faith in God as well which will go a long way in the healing
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you. I'm really appreciating your comments.
12thknight ══╣╠══
ah, I'll take a different tack...

I do think that some things are unforgivable. I do think that some hate is good. Not much, but some - depending on what we hate.

I hate what my father did to my mother and the rest of us. Some of us crumpled mentally and physically, and some of us weathered the blows, but I will not stand here and tell you any of it made me stronger. It made me cautious to have children of my own because I feared the seeds of the monster were in my DNA. It made me abstain from alcohol when I know normal people can enjoy wine in moderation. It made most of my siblings dependent on antidepressants just to be able to live.

I will not play the game of hating the sin but loving the sinner. We are the sum of the choices we make, and every choice is a conscious one, even if it is learned behavior from another. I hate what that man did beyond his grave and wherever he landed. Forgiveness? No. What he did was unforgivable - the choices he made, and the man he failed to be because of them.

I know that flies in the face of everything you want to do here, but...you know, I don't know that the object of life is to forgive this man and move on. I think sometimes it's okay to learn from his mistakes, cut him off and move on, too.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
The problem is, I can't move on until I let go of my anger and bitterness, which is tied up in my unforgiveness. I've tried but it just doesn't work. I want to be happy and free and not keep carrying this anger and pain that wells up in me. I could just shove it down, but it would still be hurting me, and I would not be able to be healed.

I think I need to be able to differentiate between forgiveness and acceptance. They seem like the same thing to me, but really, forgiveness is letting go of your right to get paid back; not accepting what they did as okay, but giving up on revenge. I can't seem to get them sorted out just now.
duchesse20 ══╣╠══
Well, I think forgiveness comes with time. And you haven't felt it yet, but you will. Take your time and don't feel pressured to get there now because someone tells you too!

Hang in there and give your all on those councelling sessions. You'll eventually feel what you've been wanting to feel for so long! ;)
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
thank you for the encouragement. ;-) You seem like such a wonderful person, and I really appreciate all your sweet comments.
duchesse20 ══╣╠══
Well, Thank you very much! ;) It's also a pleasure! I always try to see the positive out of things. **Try** I said. ;)
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
please remind me to tell you something 'in person'.
darkpool ══╣╠══
In a way I'm struggling with a lot of the same stuff with my mother. How am I supposed to treat her? Can you forgive without repentance. Maybe You should pray that your father would repent so that you can fogive him. Is youre father a Christian?
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
He is a Christian.

My counselor actually asked me what I thought forgiveness was, and I didn't have a good answer. She told me that, simply put, it means letting go of your right to get paid back. That's a lot harder than it sounds.
invisibleglue ══╣╠══
Hi, I found you through a friend's lj and you seem pretty interesting so I've added you, I hope you don't mind.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I never mind when people add me, it's a public journal. I'll check out your journal too. ;-)
invisibleglue ══╣beetori╠══
Sorry, I just read the entry. It seems unappropriate to have put that friend me comment there. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
oh, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.