I've been wanting a mentor, someone who has been through what I've been through, is healed, and can help me like a friend (Patricia is great, but I can't call her up anytime and talk to her).
After church, they had a prayer time, where home group leaders go to the front of the church and anyone who needs prayer can go pray with them. I felt like I needed it, and as I was sitting there I noticed one lady who was praying for someone. I knew I needed to pray with her, God told my spirit that as clearly as anything. I didn't expect anything, but I went up front and waited for her to finish praying with the other girl (even though there were others on the prayer team who weren't busy). Then I told her that I was hurting because I was sexually abused as a child, and we talked a little, and she asked if I had forgiven them. I said no, even though I know I need to, and she said that yes, I need to, because I'm only hurting myself. I told her I didn't feel like I could, but she said the same thing Patricia said, that it's a choice you make. A choice you make and then walk in every day.
Finally I decided that well, I'm not sure if it will work, but I will do it. And so I said, out loud,
"I forgive Mark (my father) for not protecting me, for not being there for me, for not seeking out my heart, for not being gentle with me...
I forgive Patty (my mother) for not allowing me to be a child, for not standing up for me...
I forgive those who abused me sexually, for treating me like less than a human..."
(I know I left out things, hopefully Patricia and I will cover all of it more thoroughly next session)
and then she said to me, "and now forgive yourself,"
and it made perfect sense but I said, "What for?" and she told me "for holding on to all this bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, and hurting yourself."
Oh, that was so hard, so much harder than the others. I think I have secretly hated myself.
I started crying for real (rather than the tearful overflow that I had been doing since we started talking), and said,
"I forgive myself for holding on to all these things that have hurt me,
I forgive myself for treating me like I was unworthy, ugly, less than human,
I forgive myself for telling me that I am all kinds of evil, for beating me up everyday.
I am a child of God and I am beautiful and incredible and worthy of God loving me, worthy of him taking care of me, worthy of him adoring me." (I wish I could remember the exact words, they welled up out of me so purely that I know they were the very expression of my spirit)
Then she hugged me and told me to walk in that everyday, and not pick up that bitterness again, and she said, 'let me give you my number, so you can call me if you need to.' I looked at her like, "whaa?" and said, "Are you... are you for real?" and she said, "Yes! I mean it, c'mon," and led me over to her purse for a pen. I followed in a bit of a daze. She gave me her home phone, cell phone, work phone, personal email, and work email, and then told me that I can call her anytime (she said that at least four times, and wrote it on the card). I told her that I've been wanting a mentor, that I had prayed about it two days ago, and she was happy about that. She hugged me and I left.
The only thing that makes me feel iffy is that she has a very forceful personality, and is not the type of personality that I usually turn to when I'm hurting. I'd be afraid that she'd just tell me 'you're doing this wrong, and this wrong, etc.' but I don't think she would, I don't know. If it gets really bad though, I will call her.
I wonder if the forgiveness will stick. Now I know, I realize, that I have forgiven my father in the past -- I just picked my wounds back up again. This time, I will be strong enough not to do that. I'm much more alive than I have ever been.
and then we went over to Ben's 'rents house so he could play computer with his brothers (his dad is a comp. programmer, so they have three computers (or is it four?) that are just for gaming and homework (mostly gaming)) and so I could watch 'Calendar Girls' with Miss K (Ben's mom) and Rebecca and elya (who spells her name with a lowercase e). It was a cute movie... quite good at showing the different reactions people have to nude photography.
Afterward, Rebecca showed me an emerald ring, told me that Trevor gave it to her, and then said, "When he proposed." I was flabbergasted for a full ten minutes. What the fuckin fuckity fuck? I never even knew they were officially courting, though I did suspect as much from all the backrubbing and hair-petting.
And that made me really sad. Not so much because she might get engaged (she hasn't given him an answer yet) but because I missed it all. I missed all the 'ooo, boyfriend' stuff. (When Rebecca and I were friends, she had no interest in romance whatsoever, she was almost asexual.) Then I thought that I might not even be a bridesmaid, that elya would probably be her maid of honor, and I teared up a little. Our friendship was like a marriage -- our breakup was a divorce. Then Miss K came in and started talking to me, and I was already emotional from the forgiving everybody thing and the Rebecca thing, so I just talked and talked about how I've been feeling lately, how I can't get to sleep when I want to and once I'm asleep I want to sleep forever, all that kind of thing.
Then I remembered that I hadn't seen the dress Rebecca made for RenFest, and I asked her to show it to me... we went downstairs and she showed it to me, and we started talking -- how it ended... She has always thought it ended when Ben and I got together, I think it ended six months before that, when I moved to PA... anyway, she said she knew I was hurt and she was sorry, and this time I could tell she meant it, I could tell she understood why I hurt and was really sorry. I told her I forgave her, and that I was sorry for hurting her, because I knew I had, though I never meant to... she crumpled, and I asked her if I could hug her (seriously, she's always been VERY anti-touch) and she nodded so I held her, she explained to me what hurt her, and I understood, and I asked her forgiveness, and she forgave me...
and for the first time in almost four years, we were comfortable with each other. I told her that I had seen her with Trevor and started falling in love with her again, and at first I had thought it was jealousy -- 'she's mine, I want her back' -- but then I realized that it was because she was becoming more herself. She agreed that she had been growing, becoming more herself... and she told me how her life was in the last few years, how much she hurt, and how she was just now starting to heal from all that (I'd explain, but she's a private sort of person).
I asked if she wanted to have a friendship with me again, and she said yes but a conditional yes. She's not sure what she can do, and she's a slow, cautious type, unlike me. She has a very busy life and isn't sure she can fit me in in a way that will make me happy. And she has a very good point. I would want a lot of her time, though I'm sure I could be happy with somewhat less than I want. More importantly though, I would want her to adore me like I adore her. I don't want a friend that I utterly adore who doesn't adore me but just likes me a lot.
I told her that I have two kinds of friendship -- level 1, where I will be there for you and do anything you need (or want badly), but I don't allow you to be there for me, and level 2, where I absolutely adore you, would do anything for you, want to be a deep part of your life, and anything you offer to me I will happily take, because I trust that you want to give it. She said her way of friendship is like a staircase, with many different levels. I'm ready to promote her to level 2 immediately, but she just doesn't work the same way...
So, she said she would pray about it, and we just might be friends again. I'm praying that if God tells her this is the right time to be realfriends again, that I will be able to handle any hesitancy she might have about being close or expressing love. I wanted to hold her hand so badly while we talked, but I was too shy to ask. And we haven't decided yet, so I didn't want to go too far too fast. At the very least, we have forgiven each other and that is a relief from a pain I didn't know I was still carrying.
And that isn't all that happened that night, an earthshaking change happened between Ben and I that resulted in wild sex, but good grief this entry is long enough already. I'll post about it later.
P.S. I'm pouting at you who didn't look at my earrings and fill out my poll. (but I'm very happy with all who did or will as soon as they get a chance!)