May 2018
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breaking soul ties / bellydancing / out with Del and Joe

Saturday was exhausting... I'm still recovering from it. I got up early, went to counseling, then to bellydance, then came home and had sex, then went to church, and then went out with Del and Joe... And amazingly, I didn't lose energy until about 1 am.

So, this time at counseling, we realized that I had never broken soul ties with my perpetrators. I should explain that. I believe that every time you have sexual activity with someone, there is at least a small amount of transference, and a bond of some sort is formed. And that happens regardless of how meaningless the sex is... So basically, parts of my soul were wandering around with those people who molested/raped/whatevered me. So we prayed over it, and she took authority and broke the soul ties, and then prayed that God would gather those parts of me and bring them back to make me whole. I immediately felt lighter. It amazes me that we didn't do that a long time ago... it's such a basic step. I'm very glad that I'm no longer connected with those people, I feel like those connections had held me back many times... It was a short session, only 45 minutes or so (instead of the usual 90-120 minutes), but she felt God saying that was the point of the session, so we wrapped it up.

Before we left, I showed her my jewelry site on the computer in the office, and she oohed and ahhed, but she was at least as impressed with my html skills as my jewelry -- I wasn't sure whether to be flattered or miffed. ;-) (I chose to be flattered.)

She usually gives me a ride to bellydancing, but since it was a short session, she decided to go get lunch, and she asked if she could get me something -- she bought me lunch and a starbucks frapp, yummmmy. I always feel guilty though, accepting gifts like that. I wish I could just believe that the person offering is doing it sincerely, and accept it with ease.

On our way there, I asked Patricia how she got into dancing, and she told me that she had loved dancing ever since she was a little kid and she saw her first dancer -- a stripper at a burlesque show. The way she told that story convinced me that she would not have a problem with nude modeling and would quite likely be supportive. I didn't have the opportunity to talk to her about it yet, but I have definitely decided to.


Bellydancing was fun as usual -- this time we have three newbies for a class of five, which is more fun than last time. Also, I'm not the clumsiest anymore, yay! But good grief! I don't know what it was, but that hour and a half was more of a workout than any of the other classes I went to. The next day I ached all over all day, in places that didn't even feel used last time.

There was a lady who came for the class after mine who was wearing long dangly earrings -- so I told her she should check out my site, 'cause I make earrings like that (and I showed her the ones I was wearing). She was enthusiastic, and said that I should bring my jewelry by the shop where she works, because she's one of the buyers and she might be able to work something out with me. Yay!


I'm not going to get too explicit -- I just have to say that I can tell I'm healing. Sex just keeps getting better and better and better... oh, and Friday night we tried out some new positions. Ben has a new favorite, but it's not too thrilling to me -- we'll have to try it again and see if he can manage to balance with his hands free for my grape clusters.


We had to walk out on PJ so we could get to the restaurant on time to meet Del (jedibubbles) and Joe (nikare), but it was all good. We had quite an lovely evening -- Ben and Joe talked about gamer stuff and Del and I had more intellectual conversation about costuming and various other things... And Del gave me my (very late, but I don't care) birthday present, a gorgeous journal she bound herself with eleven vivid violet ribbons -- ah, how well she knows me!!! I shall have to get a photo of it and post it. And she put a waistband in my crimson skirt, so now I can wear it without it slipping slowly off of my hips -- yay! I may commission her to make me a corset -- but that depends on how much time she has. I told her to go into fashion design 'cause she lights up whenever she talks about it, and she's extremely talented. Fortunately for me, I'm interested in all the aspects of costuming.

feelings: exhausted
sounds: Christina Aguilera: "I'm Okay"
connecting: , , , , , ,

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(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you... and I'm sorry that you're hurting over Andrew. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help... *hugs*
juansrx ══╣*glm1╠══
Well, you don´t have to know it, but, some people knows me like the "kyo kusanagi" of html...

Ah!, by the way, Happy Birthday!!


belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: hmm...
haha, thank you.
carodus ══╣╠══
It's good to see you back :) I'm happy for you that you've worked through some more of your emotional/spiritual and physical trauma. Patricia does sound very supportive :)

I have the same 'problems' with gifts -- i think - I know - it's because a huge section of my personality is my independence. I love to be generous to my friends -- but I find it hard to accept generosity in return. I think its because I have trust issues - lol.

Some of my Italian trip photos are going to be displayed and sold in a restaurant!!! Can you believe it!!!!!

As said before -- I'm glad you are back -- I missed being part of your 'online' life :)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
mm, trust issues, yeah, that sounds about right! Me too.

Congrats on the photos! that's awesome! I haven't gotten around to commenting much yet, but I'll come around your journal soon!

and thank you. ;-) it's lovely to hear that I've been missed.
shespoke ══╣╠══
I think there's something sacred about sex even if it does happen with the wrong person or in the wrong way. Perhaps that is why as much as I don't like Elijah, I don't hate him. We "shared" something, and I would like to think better of it than what it actually was.

When it comes to gifts, I feel so guilty about accepting. Once, a priest told me a good metaphor about it that helped me. "Remember when the wise men came with gifts for Jesus? You didn't see Mary and Joseph trying to not accept them. Allow people to be good to you." I don't know if that helps any, but it but things in perspective for me.

I'm glad that you're healing more and more. It sounds like you have a wonderful counseler who is helping you so much. Congratulations on making it this far.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I would like to think better of it than what it actually was.
I know what you mean -- in some of my old memories I had actually imagined that the molester looked like my Ken doll because that made it more romantic, and I couldn't deal with the ugly reality. Nowadays I am grossed out by muscular blonde men -- go figure!

That's a good point about the wise mens' gifts, thanks for sharing. ;-)

Thank you for encouaging me. ;-)
abstractfish ══╣╠══
have you always been religious? or did you find religion when you wanted to be healed?
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
I don't consider myself religious, because I don't agree with a lot of stuff that 'religion' teaches -- I am a follower of Jesus, though. I dedicated my life to him when I was four, and then actually started a relationship with him when I was 15. So I suppose you could say that I've always been interested in God.

He's been the catalyst for all my healing, that's for sure.
wandrlost ══╣╠══
i guess a couple of things...

first, i'm glad the conversation went well. i had a feeling that talking about your modelling would give you a better sense of what you wanted to tell her. and it did. congrats.

and, second... i'm a white male. privledge comes along with my race and my sex. so, i seldom offer advice on rape -- well, perhaps to men during take back the night marches (that they are not invited to).

but i am also a person who thrives on social justice, and i get angry sometimes. and sad sometimes... about how badly a person can be treated.

so, pardon my position of priviledge and just let me say that no one can make you feel anything. the agency for your feelings comes from you. and yes, fucking assholes can put you in a position where you feel loss, shame, disgust, but these are your thoughts. they may have dragged you to those thoughts and emotions and pain, but they did not create them. and that is where your power exists over them. for what you build, you have the power to break down. and you have found a way to reclaim the agency, the power, the ownership of your thoughts and emotions. and that must be very empowering indeed.

bravo to your work in councilling. and i am happy that you have reclaimed you.
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
What you say about thoughts and emotions and pain is very true -- in part. I believe that others can cause you pain, regardless of your will, but then you have a choice -- to either live in pain and shame, or to reject those feelings. To live in bitter pain, or to walk in the freedom of forgiveness.

So basically, I think people CAN make you feel things -- but then you choose whether to continue in those feelings or to change them.
wandrlost ══╣╠══
i think there is a certain amount of philosophical hair splitting that can happen here, but, i'm REALLT tired today and so, that isn't going to happen.

all that is important is that what youfeel now, is more whole, more positive, more you.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
I'm SO SO SO SO SOOOOOOOO glad you like it!

And HERE're some not-so-great pictures; what is it with digital cameras capturing violet as indigo?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
did you take those on your back porch?

This reminds me, I need to take photos of your earrings. ;-)
izzard_uk ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
Re: "...try it again and see if he can manage to balance with his hands free for my grape clusters."
hee hee. It's a Song of Solomon metaphor. ;-)
invisibleglue ══╣bliss╠══
It's cool that you do belly dancing!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I think so too! ;-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.