April 2018
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I'm definitely going to cut my hair


I have decided it -- my hair is going to be cut shorter than it has ever been before. What I really want is to go down to about 2 inches long, but I still have to work with Ben on this whole thing... Just for comparison, right now my hair is over three feet long.

Why? I have quite a few reasons. First, I want to make a clean break from the past. I want a physical marker that I can set to say, "I have changed, I am no longer the shell of a person that I used to be." Also, I never decided to grow my hair out, I just procrastinated until people started mentioning how long it was, and then it felt like I had spent too much time growing it out to cut it. It's quite a large part of my identity -- for a long time I've been "the girl with the really long hair" -- and I don't like having a part of my identity be something that just happened to me. And I don't want to go my whole life with long hair -- I want to at least see what it's like to have short hair. Right now, my hair is starting to feel like a chain or a noose, and the idea of cutting it gives me a feeling of freedom -- a beautiful feeling, almost like flying. I love this feeling of certainty that is growing in me.

But before I cut it, I want some good photos of me with my hair down, outside in the sunshine. I love seeing those photos of other long-haired people, and I don't have a single one. Depending on my impatience, those may be taken by Ben or they may be taken by my favorite photographer, storeyphoto.

And I want a sort of ceremony -- I want Allison to ponytail it and braid it into 21 braids, then cut the braids off at the ponytail, so that I can keep them (and maybe have someone make them into a hairpiece) and then afterwards I'd either let her snip at it or I'd go to a salon and have them tailor it up. And I want Allison to do it because I know she's a perfectionist and she'd make those braids perfect. ;-) Maybe I'll have Ashley and Rebecca and elya and Kristen come watch, and we'll listen to Massive Attack and burn candles and sip sparkling cider (elya's a teetotaler). It will be the ribbon-cutting ceremony for my journey into authenticity.

feelings: determined
sounds: Massive Attack: "Special Cases"
connecting:

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Comments
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shespoke ══╣╠══
You might also think of donating your hair to Locks of Love. They would need a donation of ten inches or more and then they use the hair to make wigs for kids who are suffering from cancer and don't have any hair or the money to have a wig fashioned for them.

I think it's definitely a good idea though, to get it cut. It'll be very symbolic and help symbolize the change in your life. Be prepared to feel a bit light headed when you first get it done and then shower. It's weird not to have that much weight on your head at first.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I've heard from many fellow long-hairs that Locks of Love isn't trustworthy... and I want to keep my hair because it means something to me.

The most I've had cut off before was 10 inches, and I felt like I was floating -- I can't imagine what two and a half feet would do!
mabels ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
paperwings21 ══╣╠══
Physical change always make me feel like I am getting a fresh start when it comes with changes in life.

I hope everything goes well.
:)
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you. ;-)
sheepish
aubkabob ══╣sheepish╠══
oh, how I would love to be there for the ceremony! Know that if/when you do it, that I will be, in spirit! I could sing a song!

I think it's a wonderful idea, and it's something that I also did after moving here, after my life took such a drastic turn from what it had been, and as i was turning into who I am today.

I've been thinking lately how different I am now from then. Actually, I think you and I met at the PRECISE perfect time. I don't think we would have clicked NEARLY as much back in my aubreystar days!

*hugs*

Cutting long hair off is so terrifying, I'm sure moreso for you, with your massive locks, than it was for me. But GEEZ, the feeling of FREEDOM afterwards.

In reading something I read that you had posted somewhere else, I had seriously thought about shaving my head for quite awhile.. maybe not BALD, but certainly very very short.
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
aww... maybe you COULD be here for the ceremony. You are going to come visit alariya and I sometime, right? I'm not cutting my hair until after my next photoshoot (on May 29th) so maybe you could come down? Anyway it means a lot that you want to be here.

I think we met at the perfect moment too. ;-)

I want to shave my hair... but Ben would be very very sad. And I mean that literally.
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
boobiequeen ══╣╠══
One of the most rewarding steps I've ever taken in the way of self improvement was cutting my hair.

My ex, the only one I've ever had, dumped me the day before my high school graduation. I had debated with him just one or two days before that about getting my hair cut. He insisted I let it grow.

I woke up the morning of graduation...blasted "He Wasn't Man Enough For Me" as high as my speakers could handle, and I drove myself out to the mall and cut it all off. I never felt so...rebellious before. Granted, it wouldn't seem like a huge step to some people...but the events leading to it made it feel like I was breaking away.

A high school breakup is trivial...but it was my graduation day...the only reason I can bear to even think about that day without fuming or crying is because I went against what he thought was attractive. My hair has grown back since then...and I love my hair now...but I don't think I would feel the same if I had let it keep growing from that summer. It just...had to go.

You will be in my thoughts throughout this process, and I look forward to witnessing your growth. You will be stunning in so many ways.
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I believe that no action is trivial... especially if it makes a difference in your life. Thanks for sharing. ;-)

And thanks for the support/encouragement. *hugs*
talkingpotato ══╣╠══
I think that is so cool that you are saving your hair, I think you are going to look beautiful with short hair and it's great for a change. So fun and flirty :-)
aubkabob ══╣╠══
yay, i'm so excited to see you here, too, thusly 2 of my favoritest people in the entire internets are entwined! woo!
talkingpotato ══╣╠══
aubkabob ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
kouhaataru ══╣╠══
hmm... Well it's your life so you'll do what you want to do and I really can't say whether cutting it or not would be better one way or the other.

However I am inclined to give my own experience with cutting ALL my hair off. There have been two times over the past few years when I didn't cut my hair (or moreso my beard) for a while and then I suddenly just shaved it ALL off. I had my reasons for that... similar enough to you I think. I had never done it before though I'd had my hair very short numerous times and I just felt like having a new beginning of sorts. In particular when I did it recently (it couldn't have been more than a month ago) it was a sort of death and rebirth kind of thing. Although let me tell you that this time I REALLY regret doing it since I have recently been going for a sort of "end to the spiral" thing but then I realized that by just shaving everything off again I was just restarting the cycle.

I was going to say "maybe it's a bit different for you and you won't regret it" but actually, I'm not sure that it is much different. You think that it's a change a beginning of something new, it feels like that, but maybe all that's happened is you've come full circle and are about to start another rotation.

Well that sounds a bit extreme and I admit that I've been a bit preoccupied so I am not aware of the events in your life in general which must have lead you to this choice but... I think I understand the feelings behind it even if I can't put words to them. And something is telling me "it's not the right choice".

hmm... well it's hard to explain. Something I've noticed about you that's similar to me is that you constantly battle with identity, trying to find the real you, always perceiving yourself and preparing yourself for the perceptions of others before anyone gets a chance, trying to become comfortable with the parts of you that can't change, exaggerating those parts, striving to change the parts of you that can change even if there's no reason to. hmph well I think I went a bit too far describing myself, and perhaps I'm wrong but don't you do some of those things?

Something that comes to mind that's worth mentioning is "we are all stones in the river of life, as it washes over us, pushes us along, knocks us into other things, slowly it shapes us into the people that we become". Have you ever heard something like that before? I don't remember the original so I improvised. I say that because you said (my interpretation) "I never decided to grow my hair out. I don't like being defined by something that just happened I want to define myself". Hmm... actually I was thinking it's sort of a control issue, you want more control over yourself, your life and so on and other things are vague, harder to change. But you can always chop your hair off, that's your decision, you're the one in control there. hmm...

Well I said too much already so the only other thing I'll say is that 2 inches is way too short. My beard used to be longer than that. It would be better to kind of incrementally cut your hair by a few inches just to make sure it's not too short, space it out over as much time as possible so that you don't regret it. At the shortest I don't think you should go under oh.... I want to say 6 inches but maybe 4. Or do something like cut it down to six then go to a hair stylist and have them even it out, cut and style it.

Well whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck in your constant battle with identity. I would almost pray... ah what the hell I went ahead and let out a "dear god please protect her" even though I don't know if from me prayers are any more than thoughts.
strong
belenen ══╣strong╠══
Thanks for sharing your thoughts -- you gave me a new perspective.

I think that it is different for me, because I am in the process of removing things from my life -- pulling out splinters, some large and some small. I have made huge spiritual changes over the past few months -- I am a different person. I couldn't go through that again, because those wounds are being permanently healed. So it isn't a cycle for me -- or actually, it is, but this is a cycle that I don't think will be repeated. I am being reborn as the person I was always meant to be, and I don't forsee needing to do that again, because now I know how to deal with pains as they happen, and they won't plant themselves in me and warp me.

You mentioned control, and contrasted it with how life shapes you. I have been a person who sat still and reacted as things were thrown at her -- I did not seek bandages for my wounds, I did not move out of the reach of those throwing things, I was paralyzed and could not defend myself. Now, I am seeking healing, I have moved out of reach of the thrown objects, and if one manages to get far enough, I have a shield (clumsy but getting stronger everyday) to protect myself with. But I don't think I am seeking after too much control -- I'm not trying to make people stop throwing things. I can't control what life throws at me and I know that -- but I can control how I react. In a lot of ways I am merely the product of what life has thrown at me -- and that is what I seek to change. I want everything I do to be intentional; I never want to do something merely because it is the socially acceptable thing. I want to choose how I react to life.

Ben agrees with the 4-6 inches at the shortest, so that's what I'll probably do. ;-)

Thank you so much for that prayer, it meant a lot to me.
sky_falls_down ══╣╠══
i'm so excited for you!

after 5th grade, my hair was down past my waste, and i cut it up to my shoulders. after 8th grade, i cut it to about 1/2 inch. i loved it. since then, it's been many different lengths. i've always wanted to cut it that short again, but the process of growing it back out just takes soooo long and i get tired of one hair style after a while, so i couldn't keep it that short for too long.

i hope that you enjoy your short hair and i'm sure that you will look absolutely gorgeous with it!
caffeinated
belenen ══╣caffeinated╠══
yay! and thank you!
carodus ══╣╠══
I have to admit - I go through periods of time with long hair and shorter hair (although not quite as short as you are suggesting). When I decide to cut my hair shorter it is always spur of the moment -- I never plan it out. I think this is because I like to be spontaneous :)

I would say that I love the feel of my hair long -- but there is definitely a sense of freedom that comes with cutting your hair -- just be aware that this feeling doesn't usually last too long. At times I've regretted my impulse to cut my hair short.

Maybe cutting it to chin length would be a nice compromise???!!!
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I like to be spontaneous too -- but I know if I just went and let someone lop it off, I'd regret it because I wouldn't be able to keep my hair. So I'm planning it out carefully so that I will be sure to not regret it.

I think it will end up being layered, with the shortest hair at the top of my ears and the longest hair an inch above my shoulders. ;-)
hikeonwheels ══╣╠══
Why don't you just cut it to like shoulder length first of all and then if you still want to go all the way then you can. I just think it's a bit drastic to cut the lot off all in one go.

Either way, I hope you are happy with the outcome
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
drastic is the way I want to go. ;-)
evileve ══╣╠══
WOW!! Big step!!! I think it'll look great. I suggest that you go to a high scale salon and pay some one really well to get a great final do after the ceremony.
caffeinated
belenen ══╣caffeinated╠══
thank you!
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
no... I want to keep my hair because it means something to me.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
Ye gods! She's going SHORT! And for a good reason! WHOO! ^_^

And you want me to do WHAT?! *is terrified, as all her hair experience is with wigs* Sweetcakes, I'd be totally honored to lop the ponytail!

But I don't think going to 2 measly inches right away would be a good idea--curly hair shrinks ALOT. You'll look like a Chia Pet! Mine's actually cut shoulder length, but curls up to chin length, and you really need an extra couple of inches available all over to get a good style ('cuz, you know, heads are round and stuff--I screwed up a cheap wig that way once).

So I vote to lop the tail off at about chin length and then have someone reliable give you a curly mop. (When do you want to do this? I could see about an appointment with my gal for the "cleanup"; she's like family, and I'd trust her with my life [I mean, I already trust her with my HAIR].)

Once you chop it off, you can never go back--in fact, I keep wanting to chop mine shorter and shorter... ^_^
eccentric
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
hee hee, don't worry silly, I have hair-cutting scissors, it'll be easy. ;-)

I think you're right on the two inches -- dammit, I want straight hair so I can be all punky!

I just realized that if I did it the way I had planned, my hair would be REALLY short right in the center and that would look horrid. The ponytail will have to start at the base of my neck. ;-) silly me.

Um. Are you willing to do the braiding? That's really the hard part. :-p

Not sure exactly when, but it will be after the 29th, 'cause I have a long-hair shoot then. ;-)
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
bliss
invisibleglue ══╣bliss╠══
The first time I saw a picture of you, my immediate thought was 'she's got super long hair' And even though your hair is absolutely beautiful, I think it distracts from your also very beautiful face! Also, more importantly, from what I've read in your journal it seems like the ideal time to cut loose.

I'm excited for you!
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
thank you!
angeleyes831 ══╣╠══
that is a huge step. I did the same thing a long time ago and the feeling is amazing. I loved having my hair short (plus I got less frequent headaches). I hope it goes as well for you. Have fun at the ceremony!
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Thank you!
beautymess ══╣╠══
My $.02
Do whatever you believe is right for you, of course. I'm sure hair as long as yours has got to be confining, in a sense--the weight alone must be a burden. I agree with your decision to cut your hair, but I would go chin length at least, if I were you. Chin length would still be a dramatic change from your current style, and it would give you more options/styles to consider (you could still wear barrettes, for example).

If you go chin length, or leave some sort of length, the hair you're left with will still be relatively new. You'll only be cutting off the old hair--getting rid of the past.

I hope whatever length you decide to keep, that you are happy with your decision--that's all that matters.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: My $.02
Thank you -- I think it will end up being about that long. Ben doesn't want me to go shorter than four inches. ;-)
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.