April 2018
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hmmm reflections / the story of Kaylene / forgiveness

Friday the thirteenth -- and all those other traditionally 'bad luck' things -- are nearly always good for me. Today, well, today was mixed. I spent a lot of time thinking about changes I've made -- and changes I'm making soon.

Last night I talked with Ben about cutting my hair, and he said he understood my reasons and he would support me 100% -- but he said it would make him very sad if I shaved my head, and he asked me not to cut it shorter than 4 inches. I'm okay with that, I think. That's a radical enough change for me. I've never had my hair cut shorter than collarbone-length. I felt so loved -- he's always adored my long hair, yet he's happy to part with it if it will be a forward step in my healing. I have such an amazing man.

And I'm really looking forward to having curly hair again (the length is so heavy it pulls all the curl out). I told Ben it would be curly, and he said, "how curly?" and I pointed to the stubborn little corkscrew wisps that frame my face -- he got this odd grin on his face and said, "I think I would like that."


I was thinking about Kaylene today... She's still a very important person in my life -- even though she hasn't been in contact with me for a good while now. She and I met at "Breakthrough To Joy" (a sort of general group counseling to help you get rid of some of your old baggage) -- the moment I saw her it was like I recognised her, and I felt like I needed to get to know her. We were in the same small group (6 people) and so we learned a lot about each other, and since we lived fairly close, I'd give her rides to Breakthrough sometimes. Then I asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime -- and we went out and talked for several hours about everything. I adored how honest she was, how blunt. As I was driving her home, I fought with my fear and finally asked her, point-blank, if she wanted to be deep friends with me, totally honest and open and supportive and all that. She said yes, and that she had wanted to ask me the same thing. I was flabbergasted -- nobody EVER had matched me in boldness of trust before. And so we did. We became deep friends. Yes, just like that.

Then I asked her to be a bridesmaid, and went through the whole wedding thing (this was a very hectic period, I was planning a wedding, working full time, and going to school full time, plus Breakthrough) -- she spent the night with me before the wedding, and I was laying on the floor frantically beading the bridesmaids gift necklaces (which I still haven't finished) and complaining about how I wasn't going to get any sleep, and she told me that they'd understand, and to go to sleep, so I did... then I woke up late and she calmed me down again, telling me that they couldn't start without me, so who cares if I'm late? It all went perfectly...

Then after Ben and I got married we rented a room from a couple, and Kaylene rented another room, so we were living in the same house -- it was awesome. I was blissed out -- my perfect man and my closest friend, right there all the time. She had a job but no car, so I sometimes drove her to and from work, and sometimes let her take my Sylvia -- more than once I even got up early to take her to work -- that's true love my friends.

Then life came crashing down on her. She had two huge debts storming at her demanding to be paid, she was making puny money at her part-time job, and the couple we were living with wouldn't let her have her boyfriend spend the night, which made her feel like a child. Ben and I had very little money, so we couldn't help... she ended up going to live with her mom and stepdad again, and shortly after that she moved in with her boyfriend. She just withdrew from me, stopped reaching out or reaching back, and I could rarely get in touch with her -- I didn't have a phone either, so I could only call her on other people's time and she couldn't call me back.

I was angry for a few days. Furious, in agonizing pain. I gave her so much of my heart, and she left me. But I understood why she did it. It hurt too much. She was trying openness for the first time which is painful in itself, and then her past almost literally came shrieking after her and attacked her spirit. I don't blame her for snatching her shell back up before her past had a chance to tear her to ribbons.

I forgave her. I didn't want to be angry, I wanted to cherish what little we had had, so I let go. God showed me how he had worked it all out so perfectly for us to be together for that time, and he had a purpose in it -- and I have every confidence that we will be deep friends again, even if it isn't this lifetime. But it still hurt -- I mourned for months. The pain gradually lessened, and now I feel nothing negative about her whatsoever. I don't resent her for 'deserting' me, I'm not angry, I'm not in pain, I'm not uncaring.

Part of what made all of that so amazing is the fact that I didn't hold a grudge. I've had my closest friends all desert me in one way or another, and with most of them I held a grudge until they apologised (if they did). It's quite possible that Kaylene didn't ever realise she hurt me, and that's okay. I'm okay with that because I truly forgave her, mourned my loss, and now I'm healed -- it's past. That gives me hope for myself, that I am able to forgive so completely.

I still love her so much. She believed in me and pushed me to achieve my dreams -- she believed in me in a way that no one else has, because she understood the depth of my passion. I wish I could explain better. We shared so deeply that she will always be an integral part of my heart, even if I never see her again on earth, and I will never forget her and never love her less. If I am ever in a position to help her, I will do whatever it takes.

I wonder if I had as much of an impact on her as she did on me. I hope so, not because I want her to need me, but because I want her to have been as stretched and enriched as I was by our friendship.

feelings: nostalgic
sounds: Portishead: "Mysterons"
connecting: ,

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sidheblessed ══╣ponr╠══
Special peopel like Kaylene come into our lives so rarely so that even though we may not have them around us forever, we shouldn't ever forget them and should always be glad they were there.

That's what I think anyway.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I agree. ;-)
juansrx ══╣*glm1╠══
Having a special person by your side is a thing you cannot describe, but you cannot stop thinking about it.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
so true.
12thknight ══╣╠══
I think you explained just fine. ::hug::
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
*hugs back*
evileve ══╣╠══
she comes around when she wants to. I'm the same way.

I really don't feel the need to even call her. It comforts me just knowing that she is out there somewhere.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I haven't felt the need to get in touch with her either... I think when I'm supposed to get in touch with her, I'll feel it -- and it won't be difficult.
evileve ══╣╠══
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
Just reading most recent entries, very very briefly, going to read the rest after my exam on monday. So I shouldn't comment yet really, but this made me smile. I would be very surprised if Ben didn't support you, considering he's going to be with you for life, and hair does grow back. Surprisingly quickly, at that.

Looking forward to seeing you with shorter hair, drastic changes are always exciting fun things :)
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Thank you, glad I made you smile! *hugs*
invisibleglue ══╣bliss╠══
You sound like an awesome friend to have, just an observation.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
*blush* thank you.
littlemo130 ══╣╠══
Curly hair is deff. the best. That's wonderful that Ben was understanding on the matter.

Good luck with it!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
carorules ══╣╠══
Those really passionate people who tend to push us and make us accomplish big thing tend to disappear at some point. I don't really if it's because their need for continuous change or just cuz they've accomplished what they had to with us. Not matter what it is, it always hurt to lose touch with a friend, but if it's real friendship, it shall remain forever in your heart.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
very true!
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
Wow. Thanks for sharing that story. It's something I can so relate to, as can I think a lot of folks.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
you're welcome. ;-)
shespoke ══╣╠══
I hate when I give so much of myself to a person and then it turns out that the leave me with nothing.

With that said, I can't say that I wouldn't want them to not be in the my life or have entered it. They really made it happy for awhile, even if it was not meant to be lasting.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I feel the same way.
blakeseventy3 ══╣╠══
Wish I wrote nearly as good as you!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thank you!
paperwings21 ══╣╠══
'Bad luck' is my 'good luck' aswell.
I've never been able to figure that out.

belenen ══╣teasing╠══
it's cause we're the cool ones. ;-)
paperwings21 ══╣╠══
carodus ══╣╠══
Friendship is something that I have never undervalued - possibly because 'true' friends are hard to find. I've had many people I like to spend time with - and we drift in and out of each others lives - making that brief time together special and rich. But I am incredibly thankful that the people I call 'friends' are still in touch with me.

My best-friend and I did have a 'sticky point' in our friendship once. We have always been open and honest with each other - but without realising it we had begun to drift. Both of us were reading into our friendship the wrong 'vibes' -- both of us felt a little neglected and empty about our friendship. (We joke that we always seem to think the same things at the same time - and can second guess each other). Well we had our only 'semi-heated' discussion and realised that we were both feeling exactly the same thing. Now we are closer than ever. I think our friendship is deeper now -- but it made us both realise not to be complacent about our relationship.

Now her and her husband are expecting a baby -- and guess who gets to be the adoring aunt :)
That and babysitting duties - lol.

I guess part of friendship is the possibility for letting go -- its hard but sometimes necessary.

You sound like a great friend -- and I'm sure that Kaylene appreciates that - even if she can't be with you now.

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Re: friendship
That's awesome that you guys realized the problem and worked at the relationship! good for you. ;-)

Thank you. *hugs back*
hikeonwheels ══╣╠══
Good luck with the short curly hair!

I'm sorry you lost a close friend like that, I hope she comes back to you one day and I'm sure you reached her as she has reached you. You won't be forgotten.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you.
eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
Yay on the hair thing, I think you'd look lovely with it short. I went from 2 feet three inches of hair to...well, three inches of hair, heh. I love it, although it's almost to my chin now. :-)

Your ability to forgive people really does astonish me. Not that Kaylene sounds like she was an awful person or anything, but I know how painful it is to have someone you love withdraw like that.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Thank you. ;-)
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.