This journal, I have realized, has contributed to my mind-worship. (although it has also helped give me the confidence to be more myself, because what I have thought people would see as stupid they have seen as beautiful)

I am torn -- I want to dedicate my intellect to God, but I think I might just end up using my intellect to try and earn God's love. I was considering quitting LJ -- shocking, huh? But I don't feel like that's what God wants. I think he wants me to change something, but I'm not sure what. So confused right now.

For the past few years I've been living this: "in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." To me that means that all I have to do is seek him and focus on him, and then whatever decision I make is the right one, even if I don't get a clear answer. Yesterday he pointed out to me that I haven't listened to the verse that comes right before that one (even though I had it memorized too): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." I don't even know how to begin. I'm still trying to figure it out -- when I ought to be trusting God to tell me what I need to do when I need to do it.

For now, I have decided to make a new prayer list, and pray it as often as I can remember to, and to read -- really read, not just skim -- at least a chapter of the Bible every day that I remember. That's not a sturdy enough commitment to make me feel trapped, but it is sturdy enough to be a help to me, I think.