April 2018
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I will not be unfaithful to my God.

This journal, I have realized, has contributed to my mind-worship. (although it has also helped give me the confidence to be more myself, because what I have thought people would see as stupid they have seen as beautiful)

I am torn -- I want to dedicate my intellect to God, but I think I might just end up using my intellect to try and earn God's love. I was considering quitting LJ -- shocking, huh? But I don't feel like that's what God wants. I think he wants me to change something, but I'm not sure what. So confused right now.

For the past few years I've been living this: "in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths." To me that means that all I have to do is seek him and focus on him, and then whatever decision I make is the right one, even if I don't get a clear answer. Yesterday he pointed out to me that I haven't listened to the verse that comes right before that one (even though I had it memorized too): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." I don't even know how to begin. I'm still trying to figure it out -- when I ought to be trusting God to tell me what I need to do when I need to do it.

For now, I have decided to make a new prayer list, and pray it as often as I can remember to, and to read -- really read, not just skim -- at least a chapter of the Bible every day that I remember. That's not a sturdy enough commitment to make me feel trapped, but it is sturdy enough to be a help to me, I think.

feelings: resolved

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eternitywaiting ══╣╠══
(I read your other entry, but figured I'd respond in here 'cause it's easy to get to on ye olde friends list and it's pretty much the same response. Plus, it makes my life easier. :-P) Perhaps I'm oversimplifying, but I'd think that since God's the one who gave you that intellect, he wouldn't mind you taking pride in it or relying on it...I really don't see how you in any way put yourself ahead of Him, so I don't image God would get pissy about it. There's nothing wrong with being intellectually gifted, and so long as you don't use it to hurt others, or to tear apart your faith (IE, using science to try and disprove God's existence and the like) I really don't see how you're doing anything against your faith.

There's nothing wrong with using, enjoying, and revelling in the gifts God gives you. He gave you legs, and learning to not rely on walking won't make you a better Christian.

You can tell me to shut up if I'm just being an ass here, but I really don't think you're doing anything wrong, or anything you should be upset with yourself over.

And no quitting LJ! I'd have to hunt you down and duct-tape your wrists in front of the keyboard so you'd have no choice....
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I understand what you are saying... I'm not sure how to explain better, but I will try.

God wants me to use my intellect, but he also wants me to trust him, because otherwise we can't have a real relationship. What is a relationship worth if one person doesn't trust the other? My problem is not that I use my intellect, but that I depend on it to the exclusion of depending on God. I can't believe in his love if I don't experience him taking care of me -- and I can't experience him taking care of me unless I let go of control, let go of figuring everything out for myself. It's not a matter of denying my gift -- it's a matter of trusting in the giver rather than the gift. I'm really not sure what that entails, but whatever it is I've decided that it's worth it.

hee hee -- I'm glad you want me to stay LJing. ;-)
talkingpotato ══╣╠══
Bible reading is a great way to get in touch with your spiritual side, I'm really proud of you *hugs* Getting in deep is a wonderful way to learn something new about God each time you read.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
*hugs back*
mabels ══╣╠══
i think the stupid are blessed. Its so much easier to NOT be thinking all the time.
darkpool ══╣╠══
I know what you mean. Sometimes I think my life would be a lot easier if I just didn't think so much.
mabels ══╣╠══
Sometimes it really seems like the thinkers are the depressed ones too...because they think about everything, good and bad.
gyrlcentric ══╣╠══
maybe it is as simple as acknowledging where your intellect stems and moving on, it maybe that your use of your intellect to over analyze every step could be slowing down your achievement of peace

make your thanks and move your focus back to God

*** I need to make a note here: i am an atheist; this post came as a need to post and the words just wrote themselves; i do not know if this is significant to you in any way ***
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Thank you, those words were indeed very significant to me. Thank you for taking that step to write them for me. ;-)
kevloid ══╣╠══
even the saints had hobbies. :-)

well... probably. :-D

have you read the whole bible? I did (the kjv) as a new year's resolution a year or two ago. when I talked about it (the resolution) here and other places, I was shocked to find out that most christians I knew hadn't read it. and almost none had even opened a copy of the old testament.

I have the old testament on audiobook (downloaded), but I haven't listened to it yet.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I know -- it's really sad how many "christians" are taking all their 'truth' from the mouths of others rather than the word of God.

I've done the one-year bible 2.5 times (I did it for half a year and then quit 'cause I didn't like the NLT version) and last year I did a 40-day liquid-only fast and read the whole bible in those 40 days (I didn't finish Revelations in the 40, but I have read it on its own at least 5 times).

So yeah, I've read the whole thing, even though I skim Leviticus and Numbers (so-n-so begat so-n-so isn't that interesting). And James is my favorite book, I don't know how many times I've read it. He tells it like it is -- he doesn't sugarcoat anything. It's only 5 chapters long, but I think I've learned more from that book than any of the others.
kevloid ══╣╠══
what's the one-year bible?
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
it's the Bible divided into 365 sections, so you can read a section per day and have the whole thing read in a year.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
and it takes about 15 min per day.
juansrx ══╣*k9999╠══
Try to use LJ to do something according to your Faith, post comments on Bible, links to constructive pages, etc.

If quiting LJ is what The Lord wants, He will let you know...
evileve ══╣╠══
That's a great idea!
She speaks abour her faith, but I think that incoroporating the Bible more would help.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
thanks for the idea! And you're right, I'm sure he'll let me know.,
wandrlost ══╣╠══
i am in no position to offer much in the way of advice to people right now. i'm feeling a tad kicked about of late and my usual sage self is somewhat dormant.

but i would like to ask about your spirituality. is there a denomination (catholic, penticostal, baptist, etc...)? or are you more of a religious free-thinker (which in itself canbe admirable)?

just curious.

and i HAVE read the entire bible. partially for spiritual reasons, partially because it is an important piece of literature. and even now, when my spirituality leans towards buddhism, i will still use the psalms as short pieces to meditate on.

i guess all i can say is meditate and pray on your decision. and let your heart, as much as your mind, have a say in the matter.

may peace of mind come to you.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I don't really claim a denomination -- I refuse to allow tradition to become part of my faith. I take my truth from God and his word, not from people. Well, I will take truth from people, but first I see if it matches with the Bible and the Holy Spirit in me. I think that all of the styles of churches have different things to offer though, and I don't want to bash any of them.

The church I go to has a very long style name -- "Multi-cultural Interdenominational Charismatic Christian." What that means is that we are actively seeking to break racial/cultural barriers, we don't claim any particular doctrine but allow for personal interpretation of the Bible, and we believe that the Holy Spirit is still active and still here with us. I love my church with all of my heart -- I've never been to any that matched me so well. And I'm very proud of it too, I'm always tempted to brag about it.

Thank you for the kind thoughts, and thank you for sharing. Your point of view fascinates me.
abstractfish ══╣╠══
I think you have a wonderful god.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
me too. ;-) *hugs you*
paperwings21 ══╣╠══
I am glad that you are so in tune with your mind.
That is difficult to achieve.

aubkabob ══╣╠══
I don't feel that God wants you to leave LJ, either. Even if in the long run, you don't end up being here so much for your benefit, but to greatly enrich the lives of your readers and friends.

I know that I for one have become so much more of a spiritual being since meeting you. That is no small thing, missy.
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Thank you darling, I am so glad to know that I've been a help to you. *hugs*
aubkabob ══╣╠══
see? you're already on your way to becoming a phenomenal councellor!
belenen ══╣loving╠══
aaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, thank you sweetheart!!!
invisibleglue ══╣bliss╠══
I admire your faith in God.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
heh, thank you. It's been shaky in the past, but it is getting stronger as I am healed.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.