Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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Today was kinda...... yick.

It was pouring rain when I climbed out of my nice warm bed and took William to school and then went to work -- six hours with only a 15 minute break. That was yick.

Ben got Kaylene from my house when he dropped off William, and they decided to go shopping for my Christmas present. That was cool, 'cause they are both "Quality Activity" people, which means they feel fulfilled doing simple activities with people who they care about. So that was good.

Then Kaylene wasn't feeling good, so I took her home. She told me she wasn't coming to the shower, which reminded me that Paula didn't make any effort to come to either shower when she had two opportunities, and I got really upset, but I didn't want to be vulnerable so instead I was angry. And so I don't even want to go to the shower. Except for i3, the people I care most about aren't going to be there; Ben, Kaylene, Paula, Spencer, Gabe, William, Uncle Bob. The guys aren't going to be there 'cause they weren't invited, and the girls won't be there 'cause they're busy. But it is supposed to be a celebration. And you celebrate with people you love, not people you hardly ever miss.

Then I took my needy, angry self over to Ben's, hoping he'd take care of me. But he didn't do it the way I wanted and so I hurt him by telling him that he "always gives up" on me (not true) and leaving (I went upstairs but he thought I went home) and I hurt him terribly. Oh so terribly. My poor baby. That was a deep wound and I'm going to have to rebuild that trust. And I wasn't even really angry at him, I was just taking it out on him. He's forgiven me and we are healed relationally, but he's still hurting on a subconscious level.

Why do I not feel loved unless people go out of their way for me? Maybe 'cause my parents never did anything for me unless it was easy or necessary. I dunno.

My breasts hurt. They better not be growing; it's hard enough to find a 34D as it is!!!!!!! I have a black and white houndstooth bra with red roses on it 'cause I can't shop by style -- it has to be by size. And I don't want to have to spend 50 dollas on a damn booby-holder.

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