March 2018
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Kristy visits / skinnydipping! / restoration class #1

Kristy was in town for a few days... Tuesday night we went skinnydipping, which was fun but would have been heavenly if it hadn't been for the fact that I was Unhappy with her. I don't really want to go into it, but basically I wasn't happy because she didn't treat me like family and she wouldn't be real (and I didn't even try to coax her, so no fault to me). I love her but I just can't connect with someone who has their heart locked in an iron box, and if I can't connect, what is the point? I had to fight with myself to even go skinnydipping with her, and that is one of my top four favorite things to do.

But yes, the skinnydipping was fun anyway. Rebecca kept her swimsuit on, but that's to be expected (silly modest girl). It was about 10:00, I think, so it was dark but not very, and we were swimming in the neighborhood pool (it's a lot more fun to skinnydip in a private pool, because then you don't have to worry about getting arrested). But oh, the feeling of freedom! There's nothing like it. If I had my own pool, I'd be so fit, because I'd do swim for at least an hour every night. *sigh*

Maybe I'll be able to convince Rebecca to go with me a couple more times this summer.


I went to the first class in the restoration series (a group counseling thing for sexual abuse survivors), and I had a reaction that I totally didn't expect. I always look forward to my counseling sessions, but when I got to the class, I didn't want to be there at ALL. I felt raw and angry and confused. I wanted to go smash stuff to bits while screaming my head off. After the speaker finished, I just sat there (because our small groups won't be meeting until next week) and stewed. I felt rather nauseated and overwhelmed... so many emotions that I totally wasn't prepared for. They gave us a survey so that they could sort us into groups that have common ground, and when I was finished with the survey I just started writing, just pouring my feeling onto paper. Wonder what they'll think of that. Afterwards I went up to Patricia, who hugged me and asked me what I thought... and I talked to her a bit and suddenly got overwhelmed and started crying, hurting and not knowing why. So she prayed with me and I asked God why, and he showed me that I was hurting with loneliness -- that with my usual counseling it feels like we are working together for my healing, but in this setting it feels like I'm fighting a huge battle alone.

Patricia prayed with me... and then she felt led to give me a mother's blessing, and asked if she could, I stalled and she just hugged me and started blessing me. Unfortunately I wasn't paying attention, because my brain was still overwhelmed and I wasn't sure how I felt about that anyway... bah. I was very confused. But it soothed my spirit at least, I felt peace afterwards.

feelings: discontent
connecting: , , , , ,

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paperwings21 ══╣╠══
That must be upsetting to have the conselling (which is supposed to help) make you feel angry and frustrated.

For some people counselling does nothing. Maybe you could find another way to deal with your feelings? I hope it works out for you, sweetie, I really do.

BTW~ Skinny dipping is so much fun.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Well, I'm looking forward to next Tuesday, as we'll be starting small groups then. I don't think I'll feel so alone then, not so frustrated.

I adore skinnydipping, I really do. That's the only real reason I'd like to have a lot of money -- I'd like to have my own pool so I can swim naked whenever I want.
acid_burns ══╣charlie beauty╠══
Skinny dipping is muchos fun. My cousins live by the lake so we used to go skinny dipping there. Oh the memories.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
It feels so free, I love it.
invisibleglue ══╣ivlwingsmile╠══
Skinny dipping sounds so much fun...I just wish I had the guts!
belenen ══╣caffeinated╠══
oh, it doesn't take guts -- just a lack of clothes and some water! hee! Seriously though, if you've never done it you have to try it. It's an incredible experience that no one should miss out on.
angeleyes831 ══╣╠══
yay, I love skinny dipping, the pesky arresting issue stops me though, I need a pool. As for the counseling, unfortunately, anger is a part of it. Feelings come out with no warning sometimes. I hope you know you are not in this alone. There are a lot of people out there who have gone through similar things and, closer to "home", there are a lot of people who care for you and support you. :0)
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you sweetie. I've got good hopes for the next time, when we have small groups -- I think I'll feel less alone then.
shespoke ══╣╠══
I'm sorry that she didn't treat you like family. Especially since you've talked about how much she means to you. :( I'm really sorry about that, and I wish I was there to give you a hug.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I'd really love that. Thanks for wanting to. ;-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.