June 2018
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bellydancing disappointment -- no gift, no motivation


I have to fight with myself every time to go to bellydancing. I love it, but I feel like I have very little natural talent, and if I have no gift for it, why waste my time? If I'm not going to be more than average, why bother?

I'm spoiled, because I am usually better than average. And I'm a bit fucked up, because I have always been pushed to perform better than everyone else. So faced with the idea that I am not gifted at something I have so much passion for is just... painful. And why face unnecessary pain?

But I keep going back, mainly because I want to stay decently fit, and other than bellydancing (and practicing at home) I'm not active at all. That's not why I wanted to bellydance! I wish I could just... get a shot of confidence, I guess. No, what I really want is just to be naturally gifted, because I am spoiled fucking rotten and I want ALL the gifts and ALL the talents possible! To make life fun and make challenges worthwhile, because in the back of my mind I would know that I have a gift and can, if I put my mind to it, beat everybody.

Maybe it's just a pride thing. Maybe I'm proud, snotty, and don't like performing sub-par even though I'm trying my damnedest. I don't like being inferior to anyone in any way. Yeah, sounds like I have some pride issues. Hmph.

feelings: irritated
connecting:

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Comments
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belenen ══╣strong╠══
But if it is something that I want very much to do or love doing, but I just plain suck at it, I lose the will to work for it.

Exactly. I think it's because failure at something you love is so much harder to take than failure at something you don't really care about. The sad thing is, that mindset traps you into only doing what you don't care about.

Thanks for the encouragement -- and as for co-dependency, try something alone that's just a little bit scary first (like a yoga class, for instance), and ease yourself into it. One success on your own will propell you so far.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.