April 2018
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counseling hell

counseling was horrible... I want to write but I don't have the words...

and it ended badly -- we had to end without closing any of the issues that were brought up, and I was angry and hurt -- I didn't hug her back when she hugged me bye and when she waved I just looked at her. I think I may have hurt her, I don't know. And yeah, I was angry at her, not just in general.

I was at least two different people -- one very angry and bold and strong and the other just a limp blob of pain. This was the first time I've ever actually felt the difference in my selves -- it wasn't just moodiness, it was a whole different person. And then there was the self that just watched, that self that I hate.

I need to be allowed to be weak, to mourn, to believe that I was wronged and I have a right to feel pain. Of course I don't want to stay mourning forever, but I cannot just skip that step... as it seems everyone wants me to do.

I have been in such a place of confidence and clarity (compared to my life before, anyway) for weeks, and to be plunged into confusion and frustration again is overwhelming. Since counseling, I've been exhausted and my body is reacting to my spirit -- I've felt nauseated and aching.

Oh yeah, and right after counseling I went and spent time with my dad, who was in town for the weekend. It's almost funny. It wasn't a bad time, exactly, just fraught with the usual feelings of frustration, disappointment, tension, and exhaustion.

feelings: drained
connecting: , , ,

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steviepate ══╣╠══
I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out as planned. Stay positive! I wish you continuted successes...
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you for the encouragement.
acid_burns ══╣╠══
Life's unexpected like that, but it will get better again.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you, I really appreciate the encouragement. *hugs back*
misemifein2 ══╣╠══
I'm really sorry it's been bad for you this time. I don't know what to say other than I feel for you, and I care! Except, maybe, it is like medicine tasting bad or stinging, and pain is how you can tell it is working- but it doesn't sound very like that if it ended badly. Maybe next time you will get some of the issues sorted, or get to speak more about them, or something. It is all progress, I'm sure, just the rough with the smooth.

And (I think), I know how you're feeling spending time with your dad, the tension etc. I guess that there isn't much you can do about that. Can't choose our families, just unlucky if people don't feel they belong with them, don't click. More likely not to get on with parents than not, I think, like people are supposed to not get on well with other people who are too similar to themselves. With all the genes passed on, everyone must be pretty similar to their parents, even if it isn't in any obvious way. Personality is partly genetic, oddly enough, actually genetic, not just what has been learnt/absorbed from parents opinions, actions, etc.

Then there is breaking free, remembering that you are your own person. Conflict between trying to be what you are now and the feeling, reminder, of how you felt when you were a child. I guess. Difficult to explain what I mean.

I hope you feel better soon, I'm sure you will! And hopefully next counselling session will be better. When is your next one?
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
Thank you for taking the time and effort to encourage me, it means a lot. And yes, reading your comment was very soothing. ;-)

My next counseling session is on the 30th... which seems so far away. But I can wait 9 more days, I know I can.
darkpool ══╣╠══
Ouch. I hope things go better next time and you work it out. Sosorry you've been left in such a painful place. *hugs*
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
*hugs back* thank you for caring and commenting. It matters to me, it really does.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs* Hun, what happened that upset you so much? And not closing properly on issues, that's not good counselling practice. :/

I know counselling brings up issues but it's meant to cleanse not do this.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Yes, you are right about the closure -- fortunately this is the only time it has ever happened, and I don't think it will happen again. I think it needed to happen though. I plan to post about why when I get a bit more caught up on LJ.
carodus ══╣╠══
firstly - HUG

just had to offer that -- your healing happens when the time is right - there is no prescribed timeframe either (as you know so well). But let her know that you left feeling as though your discussion ended prematurely.

Being open with her when you are upset by her behaviour is crucial too.

I pray that your healing continues...:)
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you, your comment was comforting to me. *hugs back*
shespoke ══╣╠══
My counseler allows me to grieve. I appreciate her for that. She's like a 2nd mom. She gives me tissues and asks if she can hug me while I cry.

It's horrible when you can't close issues. I always take my watch so I can try to avoid that because it's the worst EVER.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Fortunately that was the only time we've ended without closure, and I don't think it will happen again. She's usually very good about wrapping things up. I think it needed to happen, though, even though it was painful... I plan to post about it when I get a bit more caught up on LJ.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.