Belenen (belenen) wrote,

I need a new name. I don't know how to introduce myself anymore.

I honestly cannot identify with my birth name at all anymore. I still think it's pretty, but it's so very un-me. Look at this thing:

I've underlined the rare things that actually apply, and bolded my responses.

# Your tendency to reckon with time is very much marked and you're almost always out of phase in relation with the present moment. You assimilate things slowly and always react in depth. well, the react in depth part is true, but I don't know about slow assimilation.

# In your life you've one if not many ideals which appeal to you and which you try patiently to achieve without ever losing heart and with ever renewed confidence. patient? never losing heart? HAHA!!

# If some kind of shyness renders you little talkative, little expansive, the lucidity of your judgments can amaze. You appreciate what's stable, positive, durable, and verifiable. You're patient, far-sighted, extremely thoughtful. You know how to keep your calm under all circumstances. I am not shy, I'm quite talkative and expansive, thank you very much. Although I'd like to claim that 'lucidity of judgement'. I hate stability (I enjoy being in a constant state of tulmultuous change), but I like the other stuff. PATIENT??? wtf, mate! CALM? Bullshit!

# You've the sense of responsibilities; if life does not invest you with them, you create or invent them. To be responsible is to be at the same time necessary, even indispensable and therefore less likely to be rejected. Sadly this is quite true, but I think that was because I was the third parent in my family from the age of 6.

# However, you've a somewhat too pessimistic vision of the world and particularly of human nature. If your judgment is lucid, you may lack comprehension, tolerance, and generosity. It would be well that you've a lighter feeling of life and reserve a greater part for fancy and the joy of living. seriously, omgwtf. I don't consider myself pessimistic, and I think I'm pretty good about being tolerant (though I admit I used to be very judgemental). I've been told I'm selfish but... I don't know. I'd like to think that I'm generous. I'm afraid to ask though. As for that last sentence, I can't figure out what it's trying to say.

# In addition to your tendency to withdraw into yourself and to pessimism, you're noted for your ready and sharp criticism, great difficulty having confidence in others, and a clear-cut propensity to nurturing stubborn rancors. Damn. This used to describe me perfectly. But I'm growing out of all that, only the confidence in others is still a problem. Maybe I'm just growing out of the name.

# To bear this first name means to feel frustrated. Whatever you're given, whatever one does for you, you'll always "get withdrawal symptoms". You're in dire need of attention, tenderness, gentleness. Thus there exists a phenomenal affective avidity in you and you'll have to learn to acquire some kind of detachment, of serenity to which you actually aspire and which should not become resignation or regret. Did anyone understand that last sentence? But the first part also used to be true and is no longer, now that I have learned to get rid of my expectations.

# You're believed to be a social climber and in some way you actually are. You've understood very early that when you possess some power on others, these have less power on you. And you don't hate running the show in your circle. Undoubtedly politics attracts you for this reason. Hmmm. This also used to be true. The politics and power thing, that is. I used to want to be president. Then I got older and realized that I did NOT want the responsibility of an entire country on my shoulders. And there's too much lying in politics, I'd be so depressed and infuriated all the time. But I do still like to lead.

# Ambition can play a very important role in the formation of your character and be a means of evolution. Little sensitive to flattery, you really aspire to an elevation to which you're ready to devote your most sustained efforts. Your ambition is never impatient. A well canalized activity will allow you to efficaciously fight your fears, your complexes, your feeling of frustration, and to manage your own destiny as well as that of others. blah blah mumbo jumbo. And I am so impatient!

(taken from acid_burns, bluebl00d, and lilerthkwake and this site.)

It's the most uncomfortable feeling, not knowing your own name. And poor Ben can only call me endearments.

I will be SO. very. happy. when I finally find it. It feels like a key to my soul. How can I get my inner self to respond if I can't even call her name?
Tags: names, recovery / therapy / healing

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