April 2018
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I need a new name. I don't know how to introduce myself anymore.


I honestly cannot identify with my birth name at all anymore. I still think it's pretty, but it's so very un-me. Look at this thing:


I've underlined the rare things that actually apply, and bolded my responses.

# Your tendency to reckon with time is very much marked and you're almost always out of phase in relation with the present moment. You assimilate things slowly and always react in depth. well, the react in depth part is true, but I don't know about slow assimilation.

# In your life you've one if not many ideals which appeal to you and which you try patiently to achieve without ever losing heart and with ever renewed confidence. patient? never losing heart? HAHA!!

# If some kind of shyness renders you little talkative, little expansive, the lucidity of your judgments can amaze. You appreciate what's stable, positive, durable, and verifiable. You're patient, far-sighted, extremely thoughtful. You know how to keep your calm under all circumstances. I am not shy, I'm quite talkative and expansive, thank you very much. Although I'd like to claim that 'lucidity of judgement'. I hate stability (I enjoy being in a constant state of tulmultuous change), but I like the other stuff. PATIENT??? wtf, mate! CALM? Bullshit!

# You've the sense of responsibilities; if life does not invest you with them, you create or invent them. To be responsible is to be at the same time necessary, even indispensable and therefore less likely to be rejected. Sadly this is quite true, but I think that was because I was the third parent in my family from the age of 6.

# However, you've a somewhat too pessimistic vision of the world and particularly of human nature. If your judgment is lucid, you may lack comprehension, tolerance, and generosity. It would be well that you've a lighter feeling of life and reserve a greater part for fancy and the joy of living. seriously, omgwtf. I don't consider myself pessimistic, and I think I'm pretty good about being tolerant (though I admit I used to be very judgemental). I've been told I'm selfish but... I don't know. I'd like to think that I'm generous. I'm afraid to ask though. As for that last sentence, I can't figure out what it's trying to say.

# In addition to your tendency to withdraw into yourself and to pessimism, you're noted for your ready and sharp criticism, great difficulty having confidence in others, and a clear-cut propensity to nurturing stubborn rancors. Damn. This used to describe me perfectly. But I'm growing out of all that, only the confidence in others is still a problem. Maybe I'm just growing out of the name.

# To bear this first name means to feel frustrated. Whatever you're given, whatever one does for you, you'll always "get withdrawal symptoms". You're in dire need of attention, tenderness, gentleness. Thus there exists a phenomenal affective avidity in you and you'll have to learn to acquire some kind of detachment, of serenity to which you actually aspire and which should not become resignation or regret. Did anyone understand that last sentence? But the first part also used to be true and is no longer, now that I have learned to get rid of my expectations.

# You're believed to be a social climber and in some way you actually are. You've understood very early that when you possess some power on others, these have less power on you. And you don't hate running the show in your circle. Undoubtedly politics attracts you for this reason. Hmmm. This also used to be true. The politics and power thing, that is. I used to want to be president. Then I got older and realized that I did NOT want the responsibility of an entire country on my shoulders. And there's too much lying in politics, I'd be so depressed and infuriated all the time. But I do still like to lead.

# Ambition can play a very important role in the formation of your character and be a means of evolution. Little sensitive to flattery, you really aspire to an elevation to which you're ready to devote your most sustained efforts. Your ambition is never impatient. A well canalized activity will allow you to efficaciously fight your fears, your complexes, your feeling of frustration, and to manage your own destiny as well as that of others. blah blah mumbo jumbo. And I am so impatient!

(taken from acid_burns, bluebl00d, and lilerthkwake and this site.)


It's the most uncomfortable feeling, not knowing your own name. And poor Ben can only call me endearments.

I will be SO. very. happy. when I finally find it. It feels like a key to my soul. How can I get my inner self to respond if I can't even call her name?

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Comments
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acid_burns ══╣╠══
So totally off topic but you look absolutely beautiful on that icon.

:)
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
awwww thank you! I don't know what it is about that icon, I've gotten more compliments on it than any other... maybe 'cause it's not all purple. ;-)
untoldeuphemism ══╣╠══
I hated my birth name so I changed it. All of it. I found it by accident. Sometimes I wish it were different becasue there are way prettier names but somehow this one just fits me so I am relictant to let go. It's hard to explain.
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I understand that! I think my birth name is very pretty, but it doesn't fit... I guess we don't always match what we're most attracted to. ;-)
kevloid ══╣╠══
my first name means 'handsome at birth'

my last name has GOT to mean 'what the hell happened?' :-D



why not introduce yourself as bel?
kevloid ══╣╠══
I should add that lots of people know you and love you as bel.
belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
synisterchyck ══╣╠══
Name changing is an ancient and time honored tradition. Nuns, priest, shamans and others all take on a new name as they find their true calling.

In Some cultures you have your child name, and then you get an adult name.

With all that you have been through it is no wonder you would like name change. It is like getting a new skin for your soul.

Also name changing is a great way to duck bill collectors
giggling
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
a new skin for your soul -- what a perfect way to phrase it.

And then you make me laugh heartily -- "a great way to duck bill collectors." That's what I love about you -- your blend of philosophy and humor!
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
Sometimes name changing can annoy the pants off of people. This girl in high school changed her name a good six or seven times. She was Rhonda. She was Kira. She was Lynn. Finally she settled on Kira our senior year and shortened her last name. Changed her middle name too. I wonder if it's still the same. Hmmm. Now that I think about it she probably went through a lot of crap that made her want to change her identity anyway.

Also, I put in my characters' names on that website, and some of them got the very same blurb as my first name. :P I took it with a grain of salt. Entertainment purposes only.

But you've been saying you wanted to change your name forever. I thought you settled on Bel. Isabel or Isabella. Did I ever give you that website where you can pop in the meaning you want and come up with a list names?
mabels ══╣╠══
I like Bel, Isabel/Isabella is so darned popular right now.
belenen ══╣╠══
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
*sputters* Okay, yeah, that's totally not you. A name-hunting spree is in the future; don't be surprized if I just start sending you names and meanings out of the blue.
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
oh, that would be simply groshing. ;-)
mabels ══╣╠══
I dont think that you have to take that version of your names meaning to heart. Ive found interpritations of "Erin" that ring true and others that are so far off the mark its like night and day. Even horoscopes and all the like can fit or mismatch. In the end it doesnt matter, you are you and even if you were called "mud" it wouldnt change who you are.

A rose by any other name...
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
even if you were called "mud" it wouldnt change who you are

Very true. but it would change how people see me -- and I suppose that's a lot of what this is about. Finding a name that gives people a more accurate grasp of me, I suppose -- it's hard to explain.
mabels ══╣╠══
mabels ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
shaybe ══╣╠══
Truth
When I think of you I think of truth and strength so here are some names that mean that.
ALETA Truthful One
VERADIS Truthful, Genuine
VERONICA Truth and purity
AMENA Honest Woman
DREA Courageous
NAKIA Pure, Faithful
DYLLIS Sincere
ANNORA With Honor
ARYA Honored, Noble
FAYOLA Walks With Honor

vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Re: Truth
awwww.... Those are awesome!! Thanks! I really like 'Aleta.' ;-)
kabandra ══╣╠══
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
'Kristen.' and thanks! ;-)
Aditu
aubkabob ══╣Aditu╠══
out of curiosity, i went there, too. about maaaybe half of it is right, saying that i rely heavily on my independance and hate having others want to protect me, and that i'm jolly in nature.

the other half said that i have MASSIVE problems with authority and never get along with bosses, teachers, etc., which is completely opposite from the truth. usually, wherever i go, i end up being teacher's pet. it also said that i have one HELL of a temper and will come out screaming a lot. um... not. most people that have known me for YEARS have never seen me angry at ALL, let alone screaming (brosely is different, being as he's my little brother and all, so especially when i was a teen, he witnessed a LOT of the screaming first-hand. hee hee.)

but i really like the technical definition of my name: Aubrey = leader of the elves.

i don't overly see you as a Kristin at all. in fact, the few times i've spoken to alariya on the phone, whenever she says "kristen" i think "who? oh yeah!". maybe that's because i've met you here and not RL.

YET.
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
'YET' INDEED.

I so can't wait to meet you. I think I'm going through Aubwithdrawal. :-(
aubkabob ══╣╠══
kelly. dream.
notashamed ══╣kelly. dream.╠══
I had a conversation about names just a few days ago and I realized how lucky i am that I have always loved my name. So I can't even understand or fathom what you feel towards your own name. I'm sorry that you feel uncomfortable or like it doesn't fit with you. I imagine that you are the only person who will be able to find a name that fits you better. I hope your search is successful.

I will tell you that I looked at my own name on that site and not ONE description fit me. I don't see that as my name not being for me I see that as proof that name = personality is untrue.
teasing
belenen ══╣teasing╠══
That is true, you can't believe those things. But I'm looking for excuses to change. heh heh ;-)

I love your name too, and I think it totally fits you. Short, bouncy, playful, and sweet. ;-) At least I get the impression that you're short -- are you?
notashamed ══╣╠══
talkingpotato ══╣╠══
Mine was the exact opposite of myself too however I have stumbled across places in the past that seemed to have my personality a bit more accurately :-)
What I like about my name though is it has several meanings depending on the root word and country it comes from. Funny enough all of those descriptions match me in different moods- even the 'wild cow' meaning :-D
artistic
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
May I go off-topic and say that I LOOOOOOVE that icon!!!!! There aren't words, love love love it!
talkingpotato ══╣╠══
ex_alariya46 ══╣╠══
I'll pray that you find your new name soon. It's difficult going through a change in anything, especially when it deals directly with such an intimate part of your identity...
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you for understanding. ;-) You're wonderful.
juansrx ══╣╠══
Well, You have a good name, Id pay for a special name.

Now, I like to be known as "Sebastian"(a greek name, I think).
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I am indeed praying for that special name. ;-)
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
;-) My parents always told me that it meant "Christ inside (her)" and I think I even had one of those name meaning cards that said that... I always liked that about it.
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.