October 6th, 2003


dream (Adrienne, me sleeping onstage)

I don't know what to do about me. How do I be me comfortably when "me" is always misinterpreted by the world?

I had a talk with Ben tonight. (Can't ya tell?) About Adrienne AGAIN. Well, I had dreamed about her, so that's what brought it up... and he says she prob'ly thinks of me as a fanatic. Not someone who actually cares about her without knowing her -- because except to me that concept apparently doesn't exist in this world -- but some worshipful fan who wants to feel good off of having a somewhat famous person think about them. Oh gosh. And he suggested I write a short handwritten note to her, asking her how she's doing. I feel exceedingly awkward now about doing anything that way, because if she thinks of me as a fanatic, then good grief I don't wanna give her MORE cause to think so!

I wanted to bless her, and I didn't know how except to write and tell her I was praying for her and let her into my life, tell her about me. I've GOT to stop thinking that because it would bless me it will bless someone else.

--oh, the dream.--
Well, in the beginning I woke up on a stage, naked (cause I sleep that way) with a blanket. They had let the audience in early, so I had to pull off this awesome move that allowed me to get up without showing myself off to the audience. I was pretty pleased with myself about that.
Then I went to a "meet and greet" with a bunch of other women and Adrienne, who niether looked nor acted like I expected. Half the time I thought, "so she's not deep" and the other half of the time I thought she was posing to protect herself from the other women. They weren't all that nice, very nosy and picky toward her. I listened and watched Adrienne, didn't really say anything. And that was it. At least that's all I remember.

Ick. I can't stand the thought that Adrienne thinks I'm some fan who worships her and is demanding to be let into her life. How I wish I knew what she thought of me.

???????????and should I write her again???????????????