September 2nd, 2004


my first real taste of prejudice

I went to visit Paula and babygirl, but couldn't bring myself to ask for anything. My arms ached with desire to hold this magnificent little spirit, but I didn't want to hear Paula make up excuses to say no. She has a million at her disposal; but none that honestly matter enough to keep me from holding her for five minutes or even ONE. It hurts, it hurts... And I'll never tell Paula, but Risa is far more like me than like her -- this baby is such a kindred spirit with me. I understand her, even at four days old. I can't see auras -- but hers must be a beautiful flickering rich red. I understand Paula's greediness, but it saps my spirit, all the same. I get that tearing feeling, where you feel like ripping your body open to match your soul -- oh.

And while I was there, Jessie came over. June (Paula's mom) and Jessie and I were sitting around Paula and Risa, just talking. There was a lull in the conversation, and June said something in Spanish (which they all speak, being Panamanian). When Paula began to translate for my sake, June said, "No, no, no, no -- that was just for Jessie." She laughed and smiled at Jessie, who looked a little uncomfortable (she's a gentle person). A few minutes later the conversation went on. I reined my feelings in tightly, 'cause I felt like crying but fvck if I'd let June (or Paula, who would defend her) see. I can't help it that my skin's not dark, I don't speak Spanish, and I wasn't born in their culture. She very effectively walled me out with that action; it would have been more honest to say, "Get the fvck out of here, you don't belong and you're not welcome." I don't know if this little situation translates as prejudice for the rest of you -- but it sliced through my heart. I love June, I'd sacrifice for her -- but she has a grudge against me, while Jessie, who has done far less for Paula and happens to be a black Panamanian, can do no wrong. It felt like prejudice, and if that is what minorities feel, my heart bleeds more for them. I hate all prejudice, all "us and them" mentalities; but when it's someone that you thought cared about you, it feels like... how do you express it? You suddenly realize that even if they care, it's weak caring -- they'd trade you for a stranger of their own kind at any opportunity. It's betrayal, and fighting would do no good. There's no way to express it! It makes me feel defeated and thrown away, like my spirit isn't enough to redeem my skin and my mind. Doesn't it matter at all that I love your skin and your culture and want to learn your language? My heart was yours for the plucking and you plucked it all right -- took a bite and dropped it, 'cause it wasn't the taste you were used to.

I don't feel that Paula is the same way -- but she didn't stand up for me, not even to look bothered by what her mom did. And she had to feel my hurt! Jessie felt it and she doesn't know me! (And in the back of my mind, it bothers me that when Paula and I were talking about my kids-to-be, she said she hoped they had Ben's skin -- he's part Seminole. ...even though I also like Ben's skin better, I don't want to be told that mine is ugly.)

At least I know that Spencer and Gabe trust me. They both share their hearts with me, and they accept me, pale skin, white culture, and all. If Spencer has any prejudice against me, it's that I'm not into sports (he's a coach). ;-)

dream (Angelina dancing, worshipping with me & lil sis; eminem and I saving the world from evil)

The other night I dreamed of Angelina Jolie coming to my (old) house and dancing and singing worship songs with me and my little sister...
then the next night I dreamed of gathering humans onto a spaceship to leave the planet we were on because it was full of another sentient being that knew nothing but hate. There were humans who had grown to be as hate-consumed as the aliens, and they would be left behind, destroyed with the rest -- I felt sorrow, but knew it was necessary. As I was gathering these people (some were in prisons held by the aliens -- my old house had been converted into a prison -- and I had to hold onto them and fly out), Eminem came up to me and I gathered him and his friend into my car. He was asking me many questions, mostly dealing with those being left behind. (All humans were offered the chance, (without knowing that we were going to blow up the planet) and those who chose to stay were the hate-consumed ones) It was hard for him because nearly everyone he knew was going to stay. But he chose to come.

--- In both of those dreams they came to me. Since I hadn't really been thinking about either lately (though I love them in a way people not like me cannot understand) it seems a sign to me -- that God wants me to pray for them. They both lead such difficult lives -- struggling to maintain themselves in a world that screams, "CHANGE! CHANGE! Your natural self is wrong, stupid, bad, evil! You're not good enough!" They're in my heart; if they could know that and understand what it means I think it would be a bit of comfort to them.

Last night I had a bizarre dream of a woman that gave me things (all kinds of gorgeous beads, new contacts) -- and then demanded that I repay her. I didn't have enough money, so she said, "But you can write on your story, can't you? Write!" At that, my mind went hazy and I saw a face which slowly widened into a scene of a girl on a horse, which widened to a storyline -- but then it confused itself into mundane life, with Paula and such.