March 20th, 2005

pain

painful ambivalence... fighting to be weak

There's a room in my soul that's filled with pain. I've kept it locked up because pain makes me weak, and I can't bear to be weak. When pain happens to me now I deal with it rather than shoving it into the room, but there are years and many horrible experiences in that room, many that I never even processed enough to realize that they exist.

I've always been the strong one. Collapse ) I've never allowed myself to rely on anyone else, not really. Relying on someone means that if they don't come through, something is amiss -- I rely on people, but keep enough distance that if they don't come through, I say to myself, 'oh well, you knew better than to trust them, let's build an invisible wall.' Because I am so much more open than most people that I can build walls that they can't see -- I feel distance, but they don't. And then I either slowly paint the wall so that they're blocked out, or I tear it down again.

I'm at a crossroads now. I can either continue to yank the door open, snatch out a bit of pain, slam the door shut and work out that one bit... or I can open the door and not shut it and be overwhelmed and drowned and crushed by the pain, until I've felt it all and there is nothing left to fear. I can either spend the rest of my life trying to do it gradually while it slowly kills me, or I can be weak, let my guard down, and be useless for a time. And I know I will be useless. I don't know how long, but I know it will break me down.

I sound matter-of-fact, but this is the most painful ambivalence I've ever experienced. I've gotten past fear of the pain itself -- now all that's holding me back is fear of being useless, broken, and unreliable for a time. Fear of trusting in God and Ben to take care of me. It seems so puny and silly a fear as I write it down. I want so badly to not have to be a responsible adult; I want to be the one that gets taken care of... I'm sick of being responsible for everything, but I'm deathly afraid of letting go.