April 14th, 2005



I don't feel black enough. And that makes me feel stiff and boring and inadequate. And I know it all has to do with my dream of being part of Paula and Spencer's family. That stupid fucking dream just won't DIE. DAMN YOU! I want to carve out my idiotic heart and slice it into tiny pieces. STOP HURTING ME stop hurting me stop hurting me stop hurting me stop hurting me stop, please. Why can't I get over this? And I wonder... if I was black or if I just had more 'black culture,' would Paula trust me more? Would she call me like she calls Danica? Would I be part of their lives? Paula wanted to be Danica's 'spiritual mother' -- but with me, she freaked out and got very cold when I confessed that I wanted that from her... and Danica's white too. But something's different about her, something that makes her 'fit.' Danica's an incredible person, but am I not too? What's wrong with me? I know I lack, show me where and I will work on it I promise!

Please don't tell me that I'm fine the way I am or that my culture is fine and I shouldn't try to be something I'm not... I know I'm fucked up and I know I have racism and I KNOW that and I'm trying to get over it, really I am. But white culture is incredibly boring, stiff, colorless, dull, lying, for the most part. There are wonderful subcultures, I know... but.

I love Paula and Spencer and my brother and William and my babygirl so very much but I try hard never to think about them because it always, always makes me cry. I'm writing this entry blind with tears. I wish I wish I could just LET IT GO.