May 3rd, 2005


counseling -- forgiveness (in-depth) = not so much sleeping problems / the gift of counseling

So Saturday I had counseling for the first time in three weeks that felt like two months. Blech.

I came in, told her all about what had happened the previous Saturday with meeting the lady at church and forgiving everybody, and then Rebecca and I forgiving each other... and she told me that God had told her that if I came in talking about forgiveness, to lead me step-by-step through a thorough forgiveness prayer, so we did that. It was a little emotional at times, but it didn't really faze me, and I didn't feel any different. She said she could see a difference in me already, and later Ben told me the same thing... mainly she said I have to walk it out, everyday refuse to pick up anger, resentment, all that shit.

I still don't feel different -- but for the past two days I've been able to go to sleep when Ben does and get up at 6:00am in the morning without a struggle. If you know me at all you know that is huge -- my whole life, even when I am happy I have a very hard time getting up before 10:00am. I don't know if this will stick, but it is a good change to not feel like sleeping from 7am to 7pm and then get up and want to take naps! I feel more alive.

I'm not happy that my next session is so far away -- the 21st. But I don't feel so much like I am wasting my life, because I'm not sleeping or drowsy all the time... and Patricia gave me some titles to look up to help me grow in the meantime. And starting June 14th there's going to be a restoration series held at the church that I will hopefully be able to go to... it's $125 but my 'scholarship' might cover it.

Oh yeah, I don't think I've said this before -- I'm going to counseling for free because one of the ladies at my church considers it her ministry to pay for other people's counseling; God points out people to her and she offers to pay for them. God was really taking care of Ben and I, because she gave us counseling for our wedding present, and we had to have it. I don't care to think about what we'd have done without it. We had couples counseling for about six months, and since then it's been just me. Ben had amazing parents and one of those families that you think went extinct 100 years ago -- they have a few small problems, but nothing like any other family I've seen. So he didn't need that much help. Me, on the other hand... I am so incredibly grateful to God for leading that lady to us (we don't even know her personally, she knew Ben's mom) and so grateful to that lady for following Him.