July 10th, 2005

mysterious

lj friends?

A month or two ago, I was very attached to LJ -- too much really. I had started censoring myself because I didn't want to lose any of you; you had become more important to me than my own freedom. Then I started distancing myself, not intentionally, but I just lost interest, probably because of my lack of freedom. Now I've gotten over all of that, and I care about your opinions but not to an unhealthy point anymore. Which is a huge relief.

Not really related: the past few days I've been thinking about going private with my LJ. Just stopping all the friend-part of it and using it as a journal only... I doubt I actually will... especially since that wouldn't really be a solution.

See, even though I'm not putting your opinions above my expression, I feel like I invest too much in you. Quite a few of you mean so much to me; it feels like I'm taking you too seriously, and I'm embarrassed about it. I shouldn't be, but I am. It has always seemed pathetic to me to care a lot about someone who cares only a little about you. And I don't know how to explain this without sounding whiny, so let me just say that this is not a plea for more attention... it's just me fighting with myself on how much it is okay for me to love people I've never met.

One of you I just recently friended (less than two months ago), and even though you haven't posted a lot of soul-exposing stuff in the short time that we've been friended, I feel like I have a really good feel for the person who you are, and I adore you. I'd love to have you come stay a week with me -- and by all accounts I know you not at all.

Does anyone else ever fall in love with people by mere intuition?

Maybe I'm feeling like this because I'm depressed -- hopefully my feelings on this will change when I climb back up to stability.