October 9th, 2005


breakdown of faith, outpouring... that poisonous question

I think God arranged for the computer to break when it did… lately I have been too busy to peer into my own heart. Before I was working I had plenty of time… nowadays I'm either working, at counseling, or on the computer, never spending time alone with myself.

So since the computer broke, I've been reading a novel based on the story of Joseph, from a Christian perspective. It's no pretty little fairy tale – and it's really been bothering me, because the main character (Tuya) struggles with trust, and I feel her pain. And the 'consolation' of other characters is just shallow and stupid to me. 'O, just trust' they say.

I really think it would be so much easier if I hadn't always been so devoted to God. It's much easier to start trusting a stranger than it is to have trusted someone for as long as you can remember, and then discover that he let your soul be shattered despite his omnipotence! How do you trust after that? I feel like I've been betrayed, and as much as I would like to believe that God is trustworthy, I just can’t. Or won't. whatever. I devoted myself to God at the age of four, and that experience was very real and completely true. I can still remember details of that day, oh-so-vividly.

So all this time I've been loving him, and for what? If he let it happen in order to teach me something, then he is evil, and I cannot worship an evil god. So I cannot believe that, will not believe that, and I spit on anyone who tries to tell me that.

If he let it happen because he gave responsibility for me to my parents and cannot steal back what he has given – then I suppose I can understand that, with my head. But what about all the adult rape victims? what happens when they pray to be rescued? Does he just sit there and say, "sorry, I can't force anyone – free will, remember?" How does it interfere with free will to have an angel appear and command the human to stop? I think most humans would be freaked out enough by that to stop. Or give the aggressor a heart attack, or simply strike him dead for daring to desecrate another human's soul? If God did it for touching his 'ark of the covenant' why the FUCK can't he do it for something that is far more important than a SYMBOL??? I just can't find an answer, and I NEED an answer to that question.

I refuse to simply throw out the question. I just can't do it. It would be nice to be able to blindly trust, to pretend until I deceive myself into thinking that I truly believe that God is worthy of trust. And if God's not worthy of trust, the whole world falls apart, because he's the only perfect being. I really don't see any way out – other than God giving me an answer directly. What is there to live for or die for if I can't trust God? It's all emptiness and it hurts so badly. I don't fucking know what to do, my soul is breaking. Where can I turn? No one has an answer… even my counselors say that they 'can't explain it, it's something you have to get for yourself' – how do I know they didn't just deceive themselves? How do I know that they aren't hiding the same poisonous question, deep down where they can't feel its sting?

I feel betrayed, hurt, lost, so alone. I have no anchor, I'm floating on an immense dead black sea… no one can comfort me, there is only one comfort and I can't find it.