March 23rd, 2009


on tools to create balance: power and immutable-self-determination

Thank you to all those who explained your feelings about BDSM. Reading them helped me to understand it better, I think. I started out thinking that it wasn't ever positive, and through your sharing I learned that it could be. It seems to me that it's a way of using power to create balance -- either between you and your partner through discussing and deciding together, or between you and your public self, or both. Obviously those are positive things; where my personal preference differs is the tool used to create them -- power.

Rather than the tool of power exchange, I prefer to use the tool of immutable-self-determination to create balance (it's ironic that a single word for that concept does not exist). I have the goal of eliminating power/control/authority/roles from my styles of relating. Most people believe that authority is inevitable in human styles of relating; I don't, because I have experienced relating without authority (and I vastly prefer it). I strive to refrain from giving away my authority if I am able to take care of myself, and I strive to refrain from taking responsibility for someone else if ze is able to take care of zirself. I don't want to interact with anyone in a way that uses control, power, authority, or any kind of role -- I want to completely eliminate those from my relationships. This is possible, at least in my reality.

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*I previously had used the acronym BDSM in this paragraph and now that I understand it better, know that I was using the wrong word for what I meant. BDSM does not necessarily include power exchange, and I have varied feelings about the elements that don't include power exchange.