August 6th, 2013


relationship updates: Topaz, Abby, Arizona, Firekat, Aurilion, Kylei, etc, self, Hannah

At intimacy practice one of the things I talked about was about how Topaz and I haven't had much time together since I've been working and ze's been in a constant swamp of stress for at least six weeks, through work and family obligations. A few days after that we had a conflict over some misunderstanding and we didn't have time to heal it right away which felt HORRIBLE. The next day we had long talks over text and agreed to have just quiet healing time and not discuss our relationship, and I think that has sort of kept on going, which makes me a little nervous. I'm not sure that that is accurate because it all feels good between us, I just don't feel resolved on the tangled worries that Topaz was having that might or might not include our relationship changing. I miss time with Topaz so much, real time where we focus on each other and explore life. I have maintained my own internal health though, instead of trying to fix everything and spending all of myself on it. I give what I can and also take time for myself.

Abby and Arizona and Trevor all moved out of state and I was feeling not only sad that they're so far away, but also worried that I wouldn't have enough open/honest people in my life and wouldn't be able to find more. I feel reassured after last week's intimacy practice, because there were three newbies who all participated fully. I felt so honored that they all opened up so much, and also felt encouraged that our friendships would become lasting ones.

I've spent time with friends (Aaron, Laure, Taz, Camellia) who had all been on my 'list of people to invest time in' which is a fantastic development as it means I have actual energy for more than survival! And I've had really positive interactions with Aurilion, including a conversation that made me realize that (as Aurilion put it) ze wasn't ready to claim zir agency when we were together, and is coming into true ownership of zir life now. I don't know what that means for us, but it is really good news for zir. Also I randomly messaged Viv tonight and exchanged updated contact info; hopefully we can reconnect. Also I skyped with Firekat and with Abby, which made them feel much more within reach. I feel like I am much more of a person when I have active connections. I feel a strong need for a local heart connection, and I'm trailing out little energetic tendrils looking for that.

I feel like Kylei and I are finally getting to a good place; I'm beginning to feel affection for zir again. It's pretty bizarre how I get totally numb -- I guess it's my psyche's way of saying "no really, if you give one more speck of energy you're gonna die, so I'm gonna make you stop caring." I remember this happening with Hannah when we broke up after our short romance, and how it was scary as fuck. At least with Kylei I knew it would be temporary, but I also know if I try to rush it it will be completely counterproductive. But hugs feel better, and I am encouraged to know that the stasis has ended and the recovery has begun.

My relationship with myself is blossoming right now, as I'm editing and sharing photos (on dA and tumblr and flickr), writing and crafting, reading and organizing, listening to lots of music at the rate of about 2-3 new albums a month. I'm really happy at my self-kindness and pleased that I haven't sacrificed my relationship with myself for other things that I want.

I miss Hannah so much. I feel hopelessly out of touch; I keep trying but haven't managed at all lately and I feel sad and a little hurt about it. But I'm saving, and hoping that ze can come visit me this December.
kanika kitty

Kanika is happy and less anxious now

Kanika is definitely the happiest ze has ever been. Ze spends most of zir time alone in a lot of space where there are no other animals, with plenty of windows for entertainment and a load of soft things to lay on. When I'm home we play or cuddle, or ze curls up at my feet while I'm on the computer (to overlap energy with me). Ze has not had a stress-free home since 2009, due to sharing space with cats and/or humans ze disliked. It's amazing how zir anxiety has lessened -- at the last two gathers, ze greeted everybody and attacked no one, and even sat in someone's lap for a minute. Ze actually enjoys company now, I think, and doesn't feel the need to be in the middle of everything making sure nothing bad happens (and then overreacting to swishy pants and bouncy energy). Ze goes outside a few times a week and even though ze has had run-ins with other cats, isn't fearful. Zir coat is as soft as a kitten's, and ze stopped overgrooming (something ze does when stressed) months ago. Ze likes being held (by me) once a day (instead of once every two weeks) and will occasionally come to me, stand on back paws with front paws on me and meow, get a few pets, then go away content.

Also I'm starting to realize that ze is even smarter than I thought, because ze is getting more cooperative. I am used to having to repeat myself and gesture to get zir to do things, and there was no way to tell if it was obstinacy or obtuseness -- til now. I'll ask zir to move over (for instance) without even gesturing and ze will do it immediately (not all the time, of course), so now I know every time ze stared at me and made me repeat myself, ze was just being a shit and knew exactly what I wanted.

I had a dream recently that Kanika was friends with an adult orange female cat, and now I want to adopt one. I'd like to get a kitten but I am not home enough to give the attention it would need. I'm planning to keep my eye out because orange females are rare, and if I find one I will try to adopt it if Kanika allows.