February 3rd, 2014


fell a day behind, then had a weird night of failure to focus and some panic

Yesterday writing didn't happen because I had intimacy practice that went pretty late and then I went straight to bed after everyone left. Today I tried to write, a lot, but I could not get into it, I felt sad and panicky and frustrated and trapped. I had meant to go to Heather's for cuddles but the idea of leaving the house was too overwhelming, I'm not sure why. Topaz got off work unexpectedly early and we talked on the phone and ze agreed to come over even though ze would have to be working on stuff for work tomorrow. So ze did, and we had food and then I read while ze worked. I felt much better after knowing that ze was planning to come over, but I don't think the bad feeling was about being alone, I still can't figure it out, unless it is just that my inability to focus is becoming something that is overwhelming. I messaged my psychiatrist's office to make an appointment. I think it's actually that my brain is getting worse with ADD stuff and my old coping mechanisms just can't cut it half the time. I want to at least be able to see if that is the problem, because I have tried every trick in the book and lately it's like rolling dice -- it might work, or not, and I have no way to prevent the critical fails.