February 14th, 2014

gender abolitionist

psychiatric appt: yep I have ADD but no help so far

Today's been a fuckshit of a day. Had a psychiatrist appointment where ze was like "yeah you've got ADD but the meds that would help are a controlled substance so you have to either pay hundreds of dollars for testing or go to a non-school psychiatrist (which is also expensive shit). Also there is a med I can prescribe you but I want to be sure you're at your wits end so go read these four books about coping with ADD and come back and we can discuss meds." Then I sighed and ze asked if I was sighing with relief or frustration and I tried to say frustration and started crying (ugh), and explained that I'd been saying "I can deal, I don't need meds" for ages and when I finally get to the point where I can't deal anymore, meds are out of reach. Ze seemed a little more sympathetic then but not any more helpful, and said stuff that implied that if my life was falling apart, like failing classes, then she'd suggest meds. I don't want to have to fail before I get help!  I fuckin know my limits and I'm pressing up against them. Ugh. The biggest problem is that when I can't focus enough to do things that make me want to live life, like art and conversation, then I get depressed. I can always make myself do the things I have to do, even when I'm depressed, but forcing myself to do stuff when I am depressed makes me dangerously low. Its a terrible cycle and I don't need a lot of help, just a little, to keep the cycle from starting.

Do not give me advice. I had enough of that today and I already know all this shit, I've been living with it for my whole life. Its just gotten worse, chemically, maybe because of that hormonal birth control, maybe just age, I dunno.

Anyway, later I was writing on something important to me, and I got interrupted, and I just started crying because I was terribly afraid I wouldn't be able to start again.  Some things I've wanted to write on for literally YEARS and I got started on one and it was such a huge accomplishment, and I felt relief yesterday. But then it was harder today and I was swamped with sorrow and fear because the threat of having to deal with my toddler of a brain with no help, just hoping I can get it to behave, is crushing.