February 21st, 2014


I appear to trust more than I do / trusting intentions & trusting followthrough / 77x7 chances

I may seem trusting, perhaps even too trusting. Certainly people have thought that I trusted people because I brought them close to me. (I felt very bad about this after they ended up hurt thinking they could trust someone I trusted, not knowing that I didn't actually trust that person). Let me say this: I trust very few people all the way. I let lots of people know me and get close to me not because I trust them not to hurt me, but because I expect pain in life and I trust myself to be able to stop it before it gets too much. So if you see me spend a lot of time with someone or express affection for them, please don't take that as an endorsement of them as a safe person. Even if they are a safe person for me, they may not be a safe person for you; I tolerate a certain amount of shitheadedness depending on the circumstance. If you want to know if I think a person would be a good candidate for your trust, you will have to ask, because it is extremely unlikely that it will be apparent. I don't get more open around people because I trust them but because I want to know and be known; because I value connection over pain-avoidance. Trust takes time to build and once broken, takes extra time to rebuild.

Then there's different kinds of trust: I can trust someone's intentions differently than their followthrough. For instance, I have 100% trust of Kylei's intentions but only like 70% trust that those intentions will make it through to actions that are good for me on the average day. But I have 95% trust of Kylei's followthrough in emergencies. So overall Kylei is one of my most trusted people, but if I was the kind of person who needs people to be on time and not cancel plans, my trust would be much lower, even though I have no doubts at all of Kylei's intentions. I have 100% trust of Heather in intention but none in emergency or followthrough, because of lack of experience with those. I trust Topaz more than I've ever trusted anyone, at 100% intention, 100% emergency, 90% followthrough. Most people I know I trust at a 60% intention and 0% on the others because I have not experienced those.

This is part of why I have a 77x7 chances policy to anyone who has parted from me in the past. I don't say "never again" even if I've been shattered to the core by someone, because letting them back into my life is the first step in building trust with them again. It is not a statement that I already trust them. It is a willingness to risk being hurt again, with the knowledge that it will probably be a new kind of hurt as I have learned from last time. I am able to do this because I have built the resilience over time with the help of so many deeply loving people. I choose to do this because I have found the pain to be vastly worth the love and learning. I actually do value the pain for itself as well, because every time, it sparks a wealth of new growth in me like a burned forest.

This is building on "trustworthiness requires conflict-management skills."