April 20th, 2014


ADD-PI meds / my memory: external or none.

I've been on bupropion for ADD-PI for the last month or so now, and I think I am beginning to see positive change, but maybe with some negative change as well. On the positive side, I do find it easier to realize when I am getting "stuck" in thoughts and I can unstick them, and it's not quite so hard to get started on things (at least, for the past week that has been true), and I feel like I can manage self-care better, taking breaks that actually help me and recognizing when I am ready to get back into whatever project I'm working on (instead of procrastinating and building panic for motivation). On the maybe-negative side, my memory seems even worse, but I am not sure if that is simply a greater awareness of lost memories or actual increased loss of them. It is also impacted by the fact that I was deeply depressed all of 2012 and was recovering but not recovered in 2013; that makes my memory worse.

Memory is all that is real. I came across something that described how memory is formed and how reading fiction stores memory the same way that experiencing something does (can't find the link now). I feel this and it's why I don't watch things I don't want in my mind. I think that when you have high empathy especially, witnessing can be as powerful as directly experiencing. An experience I had and forgot has no impact on my life now, but a movie I've seen twice is there, a book I've read is there, a song I've heard again and again is there. I am composed of the things that stick.

If I lost all of my memory, I would absolutely not be the same person. The pathways in my brain might make it more likely for me to learn things I had previously learned, but I would be so different. This makes it terrifying to think that my memory is so faulty. I cannot remember my own life and so I cannot learn from it. I don't just lose unimportant memories either -- I lose even ones I would treasure, or ones that would have huge emotional impact. People have told me about experiences I had that I cannot even find a "error: memory missing" tag for, they're just 100% gone. Sometimes if the person I was with can describe in careful detail everything that happened, I can resurrect the memory, but mostly not.

That's why it's so fucking important to me to have an external memory through my journal and my photos. I cannot remember the most beautiful kiss unless I write about it (or thoroughly tell the story more than once). I cannot remember an amazing day with someone I love unless I have made memory tags for it with photos or writing. I am not a full person on my own, because my memory is a sieve that my self-pieces flow out of. I either catch them with my camera or my LJ, or they are lost forever.