August 27th, 2014


my minimum requirements for friendly acquaintances and actual friends / my ideal friend's qualities

minimum requirements for a friendly acquaintance:

Someone who is curious about me and/or who I am curious about, who does not attack people. I'm very permissive with acquaintances as I like to maintain a web of people I know, and I like to have the chance to find out if someone can be a decent friend. I will be acquaintances with people who are super problematic, who I would never trust, who I wouldn't want to spend much time with, and who I would not recommend others to befriend. There is always the chance that they grow into a person who can be a decent friend.

minimum requirements for an actual friend:

--- hurts you purposely or knowingly (only by accident and with growth after)
--- uses your vulnerabilities against you, even if they are furious or deeply wounded
--- defends oppression
--- talks about you behind your back
--- mocks you or calls you names or belittles you
--- shuts you up or treats you dismissively
--- tries to manipulate or otherwise violate consent
--- puts their convenience as more important than your need
--- tries to deliberately deceive* you for their gain in ANY way
--- assumes rights to things that belong to others
--- considers themself more important/evolved/inspired than others
--- flakes on an agreement without explanation or apology (both are not needed but at least one is)
--- chooses to benefit from their friend's loss (such as keeping the change if you buy something with their money)
--- uses 'rape' as slang after having been explained that it is harmful

--- treats you with respect
--- does their best to never use slurs
--- tries to tell the truth*
--- will discuss it with you if you upset them; does their best to listen and forgive mistakes
--- tries to give you help IFF they have the resources and you ask them for help
--- is fully respectful of any belief that does not cause harm to others, and is able to accept anything as true for someone else

*these two are both necessary because sometimes people fail to tell the truth even though they don't mean to.

these things are connected to my draws and dealbreakers: my reasons to fight for a relationship and my reasons to end one.

[my ideal friend]
My ideal friend:
--- is all the decent friend stuff
--- never ever uses slurs, and if ever there is a slip up, feels remorse personally and not just because they hurt me
--- is working on shunning/dismantling ranking systems like sexism, racism, heterosexism, lookism, elitism, etc.
--- has carefully explored themselves with regards to sexuality, gender, and sex, to figure out what is right for them (this includes people who happen to be cisgender, cissexual, and/or hetero, as long as they sincerely questioned those defaults)
--- looks for opportunities to grow and mature, especially with regards to increasing compassion and unlearning prejudice.
--- expresses feelings with depth and clarity; tries to figure out the most complete answer to give to a question, not the minimum acceptable answer
--- is respectful of all life and refrains from causing unnecessary destruction, at the expense of convenience (for instance, carefully walking around a line of ants)
--- really understands themselves and has good strategies for dealing with their difficulties. For instance, I would prefer a friend who knows they will run out of energy if they come to my house and chooses not to, instead of a friend who pushes themselves beyond their limits and does the thing I seem to want
--- doesn't consider anything to be above suspicion (not church nor science nor celebrity nor spouse etc) and doesn't sacrifice truth on the altar of their idol
--- is willing to end (or hiatus) relationships that are damaging them (this is because I find it stressful/hurtful/triggering to be once-removed from damage, and after a certain point I can't take it and will end/hiatus my relationship with them)
--- is willing & able to put time & effort into the relationship (sometimes I can't be close with people because they are too busy or something, and this is okay but it is not ideal)
--- doesn't get angry or upset when I can't measure up in some way, especially when I can't be there for them or do the wrong thing when trying to be there
--- appreciates my efforts even when I fail
--- negotiates expectations clearly and on a continual basis
--- is good at accepting when they are wrong or mistaken, and in incorporating new information into their world view
--- treats animals and small children with the same respect as adult humans
--- actively creates a more nourished and nourishing self and world
--- is curious about everything
--- is creative in some way or another (including work as an art form)
--- shares thoughts/feelings/motives voluntarily and truthfully, with a goal of being fully known
--- is cuddly and/or verbally effusive with affection
--- prefers to give away things that other people could get more use out of rather than keep it 'just in case'
--- is deeply curious about me in particular
--- feels a spiritual connection with (and love for) plants and microbes
--- values wonder in themselves and others: never is dismissive or blase when it would crush someone's wonder
--- is especially in awe of old and large trees, and loves and venerates them very much.
--- is able to laugh at annoyances at least half of the time
--- forgives easily when given true remorse and effort to change (NOT THE SAME as trusting easily)
--- loves music and isn't snobby about it: doesn't consider any music to be 'bad' or worthless
--- prefers consuming media with critical analysis and consideration of meaning
--- loves art and values my art
--- doesn't ask me to hide parts of myself
--- values eye contact with me
--- dresses in bright colors (color has a huge effect on my happiness)
--- works on their attractions so that they are not reflections of social stigma
--- responds to me expressing that they have hurt me by empathizing THEN explaining and then problem-solving
--- thinks I contribute good to the world and would have a worthwhile life even if I never made enough money to live on
--- is willing and desirous to read, watch, and listen to media that is deeply important to me (it's okay if not able)
--- feels energy and likes to exchange/work with it on purpose
--- is willing to risk my upset for the sake of openness and honesty
--- challenges me to grow, by asking me questions and respectfully suggesting ways I can improve
--- lives close to me - within a 15 minute drive (this is ideal but has almost never been the case for me)
--- likes giving foot rubs ;-)

^ This is not a list of requirements! it takes only a few of these to make me want to be close to someone, and I don't expect that anyone will have them all. The slurs one is the most important. It actively hurts me for people to do that, so there is only so much I can take before I have to avoid the person.

Also, all of this is true of me except for the last two ;-) I don't mind giving food rubs, but I don't actively like it either.