icon: "hopeful (close-up photo of me wearing cat-eye makeup, jewels on my cheek, and a violet glitter goatee. I'm gazing off to the side with a hopeful smile.)"
I am behind on LJ, sorry loveys. I really want to make some memory notes -- I didn't talk with anyone about it so I wrote stuff down so I wouldn't forget.
Evelyn came over (quite an ordeal as they went through rush hour traffic) and we had what I am now 95% sure was a date (it's always hard to tell beforehand with non-monogamous people). It was really wonderful in a bunch of different ways.
We hung out in my room, lounging on my bed (which is a comfysack - a giant beanbag that allows for many sitting/laying positions) and talking. I asked about their recent breakup and they told me about it, and when I mentioned a similarity between that and my breakup with Kylei years ago, they asked a follow-up question even after we had rabbit-trailed into other topics. I felt like this showed a depth of engagement with my sharing that I rarely get and really love (I went back and read what I wrote about hanging out with them the first time and they did this then as well).
I had an interesting realization about coffee through some rabbit trail. I realized that as a child with undiagnosed ADD, coffee was the only medicine available to me, and it gave me relief from having to exert so much effort to keep control of my mind. I hadn't realized why I fell so much in love with it as a kid -- I knew it wasn't wanting to be 'grown up' because I never wanted to be an adult (I was given too much responsibility as a child and knew that it would only get worse as I got older). Coffee (or black tea) is a sacred ritual for me because it has this very long-term association with comfort and relief. I feel about the smell of coffee the way kids who felt loved by their parents might feel about their parents' perfume/cologne/laundry smell.
When they arrived and I thanked them for braving the traffic, they mentioned that it was important to them to come here. Later I asked why it was important, and that was a looooong winding trail with many offshoots, but the gist that I got was that I am a catalyst for a particular kind of growth for them and they want that. They mentioned how I am analytical and challenging, and compared time with me vs time with most people as brussels sprouts to candy. This hit a nerve, as people often end connection with me because I am too much work and they'd rather have fun. I struggled for a minute to find words because I really didn't want to start crying but I also really wanted to be open. I want to be desired not just for the outcome but for the process, and I want to be desired for my physical & emotional being as well as my mental being. I didn't really manage to find words, I think I explained about half of it.
We also talked about love languages and caretaking, about our insecurities (me with feeling like people will stop loving me if I stop giving to them). We talked about how we're both very analytical and self-examining but most people are not. I told them I really like how honest they are, how fully they answer my questions. They said they like how I am unpredictable, which I expressed confusion at, and as they explained I realized that I think of myself as predictable because I am, from a macro standpoint, but from a micro standpoint I am not. So, you can predict that if I am given a new piece of information, I will analyse it and use it as a lens in various ways to get new thoughts, but you can't really predict where those thoughts will go. Evelyn said that most people are predictable in where they end up more than in the process and I thought that was interesting.
Don't remember how we got on the subject, but Evelyn feels a sense of connection and responsibility to Atlanta also, which is hugely important to me. I plan to spend the majority of my life in/around Atlanta working to make it better for oppressed peoples, and the white queer flight that I see is upsetting because it feels like a betrayal. This is why part of my identity is being southern and an ATLien with no intention of leaving. My sense of civic responsibility is here. I will not be leaving to find an easier life for myself.
At one point Evelyn was talking about the difference between reading a description I wrote for a cuddly communion and listening to me explain those same things, and said that text is the ultimate Rorschach test, you project onto it your own thoughts for tone and such. I thought that was brilliantly true and said so.
Evelyn played and sang a song they wrote on the ukulele, one that was funny in that almost-painfully-true kind of way. They were so fuckin cute while playing and singing, omfg.
A few times, they referenced 'things they do at the beginning of relationships' which they were doing tonight. I've gotten better at reading these things, I'm 80% sure that was an expression of romantic interest. Still 20% unsure just because indirect communication is so not my skill set, so I have to leave a large margin of error.
We cuddled little bits through the first part, mostly me petting their (incredibly sexy) arms and playing with their hair. After the brussels-sprouts-vs-candy part of the conversation I snuggled up to them with my face in their chest and arms around them and belatedly realized that I hadn't asked first and asked if it was okay and they said yes. Later they mentioned that it felt very familiar to be cuddling with me, and I agreed, and said that that was why I didn't think to ask first before burrowing into them (I am usually cautious and ask before each new cuddle with a new person). I felt a really strong pull to be physically close, and really loved cuddling with them. I spooned them (their idea) and they snuggled into me and intertwined our legs, fitting close. I haven't ever felt such a desire to be physically close with someone other than Topaz, Kylei, or Hannah. When we were talking, I kept wanting to touch their face, especially when they smiled (they have amazing dimples).
I asked if they had any sensitive or triggery places/actions and explained mine, mentioning that my wrists are as much of an ask-first area as my genitals. They asked what I call my genitals, which lead me to explain how I experience myself as intersex. They listened intently and I felt understood talking about my experiences related to my non-physical parts.
They asked to kiss me (again, like they did at the burn) and I said yes and we kissed but it ended quicker than I would have liked. Of course I'm pretty sure all kisses end quicker than I would like as I love kissing so much. Later, just before they left I asked if I could kiss them and they gave an emphatic yes. Then I bumped my face into their glasses and asked if I could remove them and they took them off and tossed them on the couch which I thought was charmingly dramatic. I kissed them and really loved it but was distracted by not having discussed what kind of kisses they like and also not being able to sink into it because they were leaving. I told them that if I was a worse person I would try to convince them to stay longer. I really didn't want them to go!
I'm nervous about being excited because I got excited about them last year and then they disappeared from my life for eight months. I'm tired of investing in and then losing people. But my gut is saying that they aren't going to vanish soon, so I will just enjoy the connection for now.