May 2018
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body changes & self image

This summer has been very difficult body-wise, despite all the wonderful positivity I've been surrounding myself with. I think part of that is that I know I grew very out of shape and unhealthy -- and I've always had a complex about being fit, due to my dad being a marine who thought that I was a marine too. Spending 5 months doing almost zero physical activity will take a toll on your body. I was pretty much housebound, partly because of sharing the car with Ben and partly because I just became agoraphobic. Dealing with the sexual abuse was so much on my mind, and I was driven by the fear of it happening again. I'm somewhat better now, but not the fearless soul I used to be. I used to believe with every ounce of my being that if someone tried to rape me, God would send angels to stop them. Well... I don't believe that anymore, and so all I have to rely on is my own puny self.

Anyway, lack of activity added pounds (I don't know how many because I believe that scales belong in the doctor's office, thank you) -- for the first time I can really remember. From age 12 to 20, my weight was the same. My shape changed, but I could always wear the same pants size and dress size. So my body's sudden growth to the point where I can no longer wear my old pants just freaked me out -- I had never experienced that before! And I'm left bewildered because I don't know what my body 'should' look like. (my pastor says 'should' is the nastiest curse word ever coined, and I agree!) Am I meant to be a size 8 or a size 12? I suppose getting back into shape will tell me that. And no, I don't need to work out everyday to get in shape.

My body's already changed just because I've been working -- my waist is more defined and my belly is more shapely (not flatter! Just more shapely, I don't know how to explain it) and I am getting this adorable little dip between my ribcage and belly. I'm really falling in love with my body in a way I never have before.

I looked at some photos of me at age 19 the other day and I was 'triggered.' I never had an ED, but I had an addiction to self-hate, and I was so tempted to hate my current self, looking at those old photos. How could I ever have thought of myself as fat? Good grief! I was actually pretty slim -- not skinny by any means, but slender enough. So when I looked at those photos I just wanted to start cursing myself out, calling myself all kinds of horrible names... and at the same time I felt so much regret, having wasted all that time hating myself when I should have been enjoying my sweet little body.

BUT! I refused to self-hate, and looked at those photos with new eyes. I had a cute body then -- but now I have a womanly body. My nineteen-year-old body had almost no hips, and my breast size was at least three sizes smaller. I've become a woman, and there is nothing unhealthy or shameful about that. I love my hips, I love my breasts, I love my ass, and I like my belly! I love my curves and I don't want to lose them.

I have come so far.


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Me - hmmmm purple
maladroitkat ══╣Me - hmmmm purple╠══
You are truly an inspiration.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
snowboom ══╣╠══
Curves can be quite good.
snowboom ══╣╠══
After hitting post I realized that sounded wrong. Let's try again.

Curves can be quite good. It definitely sounds you have a healthy attitude about your body!
belenen ══╣╠══
mina19 ══╣╠══
oh babe...i'm so the same, it's like i used to hate how i looked, i wanted to be bigger and not skinny with no tits. and now...i wanna be skinny again. but then again it's like somedays i like how i look then some days i go back into the old rut of hating how i look. but yeh it has freaked me out when i couldn't fit into some of my old clothes. and i have agorphobia myself so i don't go out, with doesn't help. but i'm moving out soon, to a better area, so then i will get out more. i'll force myself.

keep up the love babe, it's all good to hear. :)
curvygirl 2
belenen ══╣curvygirl 2╠══
I hope you begin moving forward on the journey to love yourself... it's a long road but once you get started the rewards are so sweet. Why not join curvygirls? It's really helped me and a lot of other girls, and it's for curvygirls of any size -- size 2 or 12 or 22, whatever.
soulresilience ══╣unicorn╠══
You still intrigue me like you wouldn't believe (in a good way of course). I have never come across your methods of thinking before...and I like it. It's rather addicting.
belenen ══╣amused╠══
heh heh, thanks! I hope you meant addicting like coffee and not nicotine! ;-)
soulresilience ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
tremontidood ══╣╠══
I understand how you're feeling. When i had my knee surgery 3 years ago, after a student in my school kicked purposely when we were playing pcik-up basketball, i wasnt allowed to start getting up and walk for a month and a half. Doctor's orders. And so, i layed on the couch for that period of time, watching movies and physical activities whsatsoever. I gained almost 60 pounds from that, and as a basketball player that is way too much. It wasnt i became fat or anything.....i did get a little big of course, but before i was in total shape, ripped shape.

What i did to drop that weight is i drank no fact i havnt taken a sip of any carbonated drink since then. I cut down my food intake, which also included sugars and fried stuff. I ran everyday, and got back into the weight room. By my sophmore year in high school, which began 5 months after my surgery, i lost 30 pounds. After basketball season, in which is was de-graded from varsity to JV, i lost 15 pounds.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
well good for you! It sounds like you've recovered very well from the injury.
dirtyandsmiling ══╣ChainWings╠══
Hey.. since you're all sweet and stuff and actually miss me [::loves you forever::], this is my new username. :D
I missed you! I added you [this new journal is friends-only], so take a peek at what I've been doing for the past few months [ha, which isn't much, but there are some cool pictures].

belenen ══╣loving╠══
YAY! I'm so glad you haven't completely abandoned lj. ;-)
dirtyandsmiling ══╣╠══
auntieda ══╣╠══
wow, that really got me thinking about how I view myself and my body.
belenen ══╣curvygirl╠══
thinking is the first step, joining curvygirls is the second! ;-D
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
I am in much the same boat body-consciousness-wise. I'm glad to hear that you've come so far.

I'm also so glad that you see your abuse and recovery process so don't seem to beat yourself up for the way that you've had to suffer through the re-experiencing and dealing with the abuse. It's tough, it makes you scared, makes you withdraw. And you're so very mature and facing forward. *applause*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you so much, that means a lot to me. It seems that most people just... can't relate, and trying to is uncomfortable, so they (unknowingly and unintentionally) belittle the desperate effort I'm making -- so it's really wonderful to be encouraged like that. Thank you.
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
Hope with Feathers
twisteddaydream ══╣Hope with Feathers╠══
Ever have one of those days where someone -- whether out on the street or on the virtual streets of LJ -- comes up to you and says something that you need to hear? Hi. :)

BUT! I refused to self-hate, and looked at those photos with new eyes. I had a cute body then -- but now I have a womanly body. My nineteen-year-old body had almost no hips, and my breast size was at least three sizes smaller. I've become a woman, and there is nothing unhealthy or shameful about that. I love my hips, I love my breasts, I love my ass, and I like my belly! I love my curves and I don't want to lose them.

You came to an important realization here. While it would have been so easy for you to go back and beat the crap out of yourself mentally and emotionally, you stopped and you thought about what was going on. Instead of taking that turn backwards, you decided to stay where you were and keep moving forward. I needed a reminder of that about something that happened last night. Thank you!

And welcome to the asylum known as my LJ. :)
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
Hi! I can already tell that we're going to get along smashingly. ;-) I look forward to getting to know you!
twisteddaydream ══╣╠══
sky_falls_down ══╣╠══
woo! go Bel!
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
nikare ══╣╠══
The mind controls the body. Be happy with your mind. : )
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
charlize theron / life is beautiful
acid_burns ══╣charlize theron / life is beautiful╠══
Some kind of wonderful.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
mimimandy ══╣╠══
I always feel so weird replying to your livejournal everyone explains themselves so well and I ramble too much but I understand how you feel somewhat. I've always been skinny (underweight is my issue) and the thing with being "naturally" thin (more unnatural if you ask me) is even if you get the chance to be confident and in control of your perception of body image people often make you second guess it. I've had so many females act that way with me. The thing is from my experience it feels like everyone wants to be skinny (which I know isnt true), but they're never happy if you actually are. And it really sucks a lot. I don't have a womanly body, and believe me you're lucky because I've always wanted one. I've been told countless times that I look "like a sophmore high school cheerleader" or like a "developing fourteen year old", and its not too flattering imo. I mean I've grown up too just like you and now I embrace my body. Imo, body image and looks is a mind over matter deal. I look cute, and I have a cute perky body. I don't let anyone think or tell me differently and personally I wouldn't care what people think about you, I've seen some of your face/icons and your face is absolutely beautiful and your shown personality is intelligent and beautiful as well which will imo balance out any "tummy"/"hip" flaws you have.
mina19 ══╣╠══
yeh i used to get that, i used to be flat (skinny in everyway) and i did have a ED which started as a child, which started because of summin very stupid, but developed into something serious as i got older. but even now, i get told i look like a kid, coz i'm small and short. but kinda pookified. i guess even the most body confident of us, even have somedays where we don't like ourselves that much :)
belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
johnnyinamerica ══╣greyliner╠══

I've gone through the same thing in terms of body hate. I had the beginning of an ED when I came to college. But I won't get into that.

I've become SO much better, though. Partly through my transition into feminism. I highly recommend the book "The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Woolf. Fantastic read, and it'll really open your eyes to the crazy beauty standards in our society.

I have also heard that women's self-defense classes are fantastic for building up self-esteem, releasing anger from past experiences, and giving women a feeling of control and hope and helping them get rid of their fear.

I'm glad you're doing better. Hating yourself is such an awful feeling to be dealing with.
mina19 ══╣╠══
yeh i so want to do those self defense classes....:D
belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
baka_shampoo ══╣╠══
out of the majority of girls. YOU DEF. HAD.
It's good to like yourself.
some pictures I look at myself and go, "hmm.. that's actually okay!"
but then I'll have a sister who says, "check out fatty."
so it's hard for me to like myself.
I like your community, Perhapes I will join it. fun, fun!
It's good to like yourself, I bet you'll achieve more with more appreciation for yourself, at least that's what my mum says.
curvygirl 3
belenen ══╣curvygirl 3╠══
I def. had what? *confused*

I hope you do join the community. ;-) And fie on your sister! I'm sure you're gorgeous.

By the way, is that you in your icon? If so, you're so very lovely!
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.