Belenen (belenen) wrote,
Belenen
belenen

body changes & self image

This summer has been very difficult body-wise, despite all the wonderful positivity I've been surrounding myself with. I think part of that is that I know I grew very out of shape and unhealthy -- and I've always had a complex about being fit, due to my dad being a marine who thought that I was a marine too. Spending 5 months doing almost zero physical activity will take a toll on your body. I was pretty much housebound, partly because of sharing the car with Ben and partly because I just became agoraphobic. Dealing with the sexual abuse was so much on my mind, and I was driven by the fear of it happening again. I'm somewhat better now, but not the fearless soul I used to be. I used to believe with every ounce of my being that if someone tried to rape me, God would send angels to stop them. Well... I don't believe that anymore, and so all I have to rely on is my own puny self.

Anyway, lack of activity added pounds (I don't know how many because I believe that scales belong in the doctor's office, thank you) -- for the first time I can really remember. From age 12 to 20, my weight was the same. My shape changed, but I could always wear the same pants size and dress size. So my body's sudden growth to the point where I can no longer wear my old pants just freaked me out -- I had never experienced that before! And I'm left bewildered because I don't know what my body 'should' look like. (my pastor says 'should' is the nastiest curse word ever coined, and I agree!) Am I meant to be a size 8 or a size 12? I suppose getting back into shape will tell me that. And no, I don't need to work out everyday to get in shape.

My body's already changed just because I've been working -- my waist is more defined and my belly is more shapely (not flatter! Just more shapely, I don't know how to explain it) and I am getting this adorable little dip between my ribcage and belly. I'm really falling in love with my body in a way I never have before.

I looked at some photos of me at age 19 the other day and I was 'triggered.' I never had an ED, but I had an addiction to self-hate, and I was so tempted to hate my current self, looking at those old photos. How could I ever have thought of myself as fat? Good grief! I was actually pretty slim -- not skinny by any means, but slender enough. So when I looked at those photos I just wanted to start cursing myself out, calling myself all kinds of horrible names... and at the same time I felt so much regret, having wasted all that time hating myself when I should have been enjoying my sweet little body.

BUT! I refused to self-hate, and looked at those photos with new eyes. I had a cute body then -- but now I have a womanly body. My nineteen-year-old body had almost no hips, and my breast size was at least three sizes smaller. I've become a woman, and there is nothing unhealthy or shameful about that. I love my hips, I love my breasts, I love my ass, and I like my belly! I love my curves and I don't want to lose them.

I have come so far.
Tags: body image
Subscribe

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 53 comments
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →
Previous
← Ctrl ← Alt
Next
Ctrl → Alt →