July 2018
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breakdown of faith, outpouring... that poisonous question


I think God arranged for the computer to break when it did… lately I have been too busy to peer into my own heart. Before I was working I had plenty of time… nowadays I'm either working, at counseling, or on the computer, never spending time alone with myself.

So since the computer broke, I've been reading a novel based on the story of Joseph, from a Christian perspective. It's no pretty little fairy tale – and it's really been bothering me, because the main character (Tuya) struggles with trust, and I feel her pain. And the 'consolation' of other characters is just shallow and stupid to me. 'O, just trust' they say.

I really think it would be so much easier if I hadn't always been so devoted to God. It's much easier to start trusting a stranger than it is to have trusted someone for as long as you can remember, and then discover that he let your soul be shattered despite his omnipotence! How do you trust after that? I feel like I've been betrayed, and as much as I would like to believe that God is trustworthy, I just can’t. Or won't. whatever. I devoted myself to God at the age of four, and that experience was very real and completely true. I can still remember details of that day, oh-so-vividly.

So all this time I've been loving him, and for what? If he let it happen in order to teach me something, then he is evil, and I cannot worship an evil god. So I cannot believe that, will not believe that, and I spit on anyone who tries to tell me that.

If he let it happen because he gave responsibility for me to my parents and cannot steal back what he has given – then I suppose I can understand that, with my head. But what about all the adult rape victims? what happens when they pray to be rescued? Does he just sit there and say, "sorry, I can't force anyone – free will, remember?" How does it interfere with free will to have an angel appear and command the human to stop? I think most humans would be freaked out enough by that to stop. Or give the aggressor a heart attack, or simply strike him dead for daring to desecrate another human's soul? If God did it for touching his 'ark of the covenant' why the FUCK can't he do it for something that is far more important than a SYMBOL??? I just can't find an answer, and I NEED an answer to that question.

I refuse to simply throw out the question. I just can't do it. It would be nice to be able to blindly trust, to pretend until I deceive myself into thinking that I truly believe that God is worthy of trust. And if God's not worthy of trust, the whole world falls apart, because he's the only perfect being. I really don't see any way out – other than God giving me an answer directly. What is there to live for or die for if I can't trust God? It's all emptiness and it hurts so badly. I don't fucking know what to do, my soul is breaking. Where can I turn? No one has an answer… even my counselors say that they 'can't explain it, it's something you have to get for yourself' – how do I know they didn't just deceive themselves? How do I know that they aren't hiding the same poisonous question, deep down where they can't feel its sting?

I feel betrayed, hurt, lost, so alone. I have no anchor, I'm floating on an immense dead black sea… no one can comfort me, there is only one comfort and I can't find it.

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Comments
dianoia ══╣╠══
I think perhaps that God's idea of trust and rescue are different from ours. The promises we have from God are that he will never destroy us and he will always deliver us in our time of need. My grandmother has always said that God never gives us burdens to heavy for us to handle - and I think that is what is part of the first promise.

I have seen in my life that my prayers are always answered - perhaps not in the way that I want or expected (and quite often in ways that bring me unexpected hardship or pain) but always in exactly the way I needed - even when i did not know what it was that I needed and I think that is the part of the second promise.

I think we ask too much of ourselves when we query the nature of God...it is our own nature magnified to an infinite degree plus an existence we can not possible comprehend and we simply lack the ability to fathom - we can feel it but I don't think we can ever understand it and I guess that is the function of faith. We want to know why but when has any answer to that question ever been satisfactory? When does it ever really comfort? Why is a good exercise but in the end I think it is not relevant to us in this plane in this existence. Why? why not? It is what it is and we can either accept it and do the best we can with what's at hand or we can let it weigh us down...we can drown under the weight of it - and that is no one's choice but ours.
strong
belenen ══╣strong╠══
I think differently. I think it is the glory of God to conceal a matter, and the glory of humans to uncover it. I think we were meant to question, to seek and search and find. We were never meant to blindly accept anything without reason. If we were, we wouldn't really have free will.

Of course I don't think God can be completely or even mostly understood... but his ways of interacting with us can be understood, even if it is only in simple terms. We just have to keep asking, seeking.

Also, I don't think God ever sends us pain, or wishes it on us for our eventual good. I think all pain is a result of satan's work and human fallenness, never God's plan. God can work it for good, but he doesn't deliberately bring it on us. Discomfort, yes; actual harm, no.
dianoia ══╣╠══
maybe what I am about to say is all matter of semantics ... but

I don't think it's wrong to question, I think asking the wrong question is more hurtful than not asking at all ... and I just never understood they purpose of why? We are like children sometimes...you can ask why from here to eternity and never understand. And all that time has been wasted trying to find a truth that may not exist. And when that question is answered it's always the last thing you want to hear and (like I said before) leads to another "but why." I think why can be a fun game for philosophers and scientists and I indulge in it my self...but I think for the purpose of life - for living, there are far more important and vital questiosn to uncover and why is a distraction with no end.

I personally don't think anything is concealed by God, I think everything we need is exactly where it is waiting for us to find the vision within ourselves to discover it and if God gives us any thing it's tools. What we do with those tools is our decision. I think everything is a matter of desire and choice ... and what we choose directly influences our lives. I think God influences...Satan tempts...but God chooses not the make us do anything and Satan can't.

Also, I've never been quite sure about the God's Plan thing. It seems contradictory...If God has set a plan in place and that plan the creation in which we all exist I don't see how anything within creation could not be part of that plan. Also, if God is everything, how could anything exist that is not also part of God? Nothing is outside of God, not even pain or anguish. I don't think he *gives* them to us, I dont' think God gives us anything specific...however I do think they are indeed products of God's plan. Perhaps created by our own choices but the basis had to be there somewhere.

I don't think faith is about being blind or not questioning - I think questions are part of the joy or life and I never intended to convey otherwise.



garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
When I said that about God concealing stuff, I was paraphrasing from Proverbs 25:2 -- "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings."

I suppose we simply disagree -- I feel that there is no such thing as a wrong question, and I think all searching for truth is beneficial.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I can see where you're coming from. I think it's very natural to wonder why God couldn't or wouldn't save you. Why he let one of his children go through that.

I do believe though that God, by whichever name you call them, never gives you any burden you can't survive. I think there is always a reason. Maybe this is something you needed to go through to learn to be so compassionate or to be as strong as you are.

I don't know though. I'm not Deity after all.

*hugs*
strong
belenen ══╣strong╠══
I don't think God ever sends us pain, or wishes it on us for our eventual good. I think all pain is a result of satan's work and human fallenness, never God's plan. God can work it for good, but he doesn't deliberately bring it on us. Discomfort, yes; actual harm, no. That's the difference between 'trials' and 'tribulations.'

Thanks for caring. *hugs back*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.